Today sucked. I have a real problem with getting up in the morning now. My body is fatigued ALL DAY no matter how much or how little I sleep. I dunno if it's a virus or sign of depression. I feel no motivation to do anything anymore. If I do force myself to do something, it's usually one small minor thing that wears me out so much I feel like sleeping. Today I ironed. Big freakin deal. I ironed then I felt like doing nothing for the next 5 hours besides watch the Jets lose. (At least they made the playoffs.)

After the Jets game ended (around 5pm) I realized what little I did during the day and felt a dire need to get out of my house. I hadn't gone out for more than errands since Dec 26th! i really wanted to chill with Zack. I had made the plans in my head before I even got to contact him. unfortunately for me, he doesn't read minds and went out with his friends to the city to see UCB. Irrationally, I flipped out and cried and the proceed to call anne in a desperate rage to escape my evil prison. Luckily, she was around, free and on the road, so she picked me up and brought me to applebees for dinner. After I had my traditional meal that i always share with Zack, I calmed back down into a human again.

After dinner we rented the worst movie ever - George Lucas' first film THX 1138 I believe it's called. It made no sense and gave me a headache because every scene had a white background against the dark of anne's living room. After the movie, we played a thousand games of backgammon and after being fed up with losing forever, I finally made a comeback and won two games in a row.

I swear, Anne cures all ails.

I want comments!!!
No one ever comments on this thing. argh.

Anyway, today i survived a shopping spree with my dad that lasted over an hour and a half :) I think I set a new non-fighting record. I bought some cool stuff for myself for the first time in like forever. When I mean I splurged I mean I spent over 20 dollars on things for me! :) I'm so cheap with my money. Oh well. After a long sucky day this was a good finish to it.

Apologies
I know it's been a while. Sorry to the few who might actually check this site occasionally. I haven't felt the urge to write. Even now I'm forcing myself.

I've found this journal is useful when I need to vent, but when my schedule slows down, I don't need it as much. One day maybe I'll have the discipline and energy to write down some happy stuff. But today is not that day folks...

As this semester winds down, I realize just how fast things went in the past four years. In a lot of ways, I've made huge progress and in other ways, I'm still at the very beginning point on the road to fixing what I don't like about myself. I've always prided myself on having good grades, strong morals and being a good friend. after a discussion with Liam i realize I'm only a good friend when I'm not in a bad mood (which is seldom). But I also realize that friendships aren't everything. I can only think of 4 people from here I'll keep in touch with after graduation. The people who upset me because they can't be the friends I want them to aren't on the list of 4.

I thought long and hard last night about what each of my friends from FDU bring to the table. It was nice to know that most of them are consistently there when I need them and those who aren't I appreciate in a different way. The ones who aren't have value to me because their outlook on life is always brighter or they can let me escape my problems by just being themselves. These are the people I cherish and should worry about.

I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff anymore (or at least I'm gonna try not to). When thinking about this semester I realize how short life is, and how serious some people's problems are - and mine are nothing compared to that. It's time I realize I'm 21, I'm living away from home and should enjoy every minute before thrust into the real world.

My latest pattern has been to write every 5 days or so. So I figure its time for an update. My female friends (aside from Anne and Erin) are weirding me out with their two-facedness (I know thats not a real word but work with me here). I know girls are moody and half the time they don't mean what they say when complaining about other people, but I'm still hurt about finding out some things were said behind my back that DIRECTLY CONFLICT with my understanding of the situation. Geh. It's over now. I'm not letting petty shit upset me.

As for other things, today is my first day off the stomach pills and i've had no pain even when drinking soda. :) I'm too tired to keep writing... All I can say is Anne and my guy friends rule!

Can I handle it?
It's been a few days now since I've had stomach pain or an anxiety attack. Maybe the medicine finally kicked in and I realized I don't have things have as bad as some of my friends. I think about Stephanie Hare and her strength and optimism. To face cancer with a great attitude til the very end, that is true strength. When I see examples like that, I know I have to try harder. I know I am blessed and should enjoy most things in life instead of pretending to hate them (aka cats and babies, etc). Clearly the absence of these attacks is letting me know I can handle what is thrown at me. The next step is in enjoying it all...

The last day or so has been to chaotic to document so I'll refrain from details. For some unknown reason I'm having anxiety attacks. I made up with my parents a few minutes ago. We had a big loud venting session on Sunday that didn't end how I liked. Maybe my stomach can settle now that that is dealt with. If only I could make peace with some other people I care about, like Stacey and Joe Q, etc. I know I didn't have any issues with Joe but it feels like just another loose end that needs tying sooner or later.

I'm proud that I've made peace - in my mind at least - about letting go of my friendship with people like Prehm and Josh. I know sometimes you just have to let the past go even if it hurts. I always second guess though. I'm still working on fighting the temptation to I'm or call one of them, for better or worse, just to have an outcome. But then I think sometimes demanding closure on something that doesn't need to be well defined is a waste of time and energy. If there is one person who taught me that closure can sometimes be more painful than letting things be it's Liam. I'm trying hard to never hurt anyone like I hurt him by constantly re-evaluating a finished situation. Sigh. My stomach is in knots.

Anyway, I'm desperately trying to cure myself through "common sense" as Zack would say. I don't think I need a therapist nor would I think telling yet another person would solve the situation. It's something I can handle because in reality my problems are nothing. I'm healthy, my family is intact and safe, I have a wonderful boyfriend and a good group of friends... I thank g-d every night for these things and yet somehow I can let little things eat away until my nerves are frayed. I just don't know anymore.

I'm thankful for...
My grandma. She managed to have her first hospital free family event in a long time. She was beaming today as she enjoyed dessert. She has such a love for the little things in life!

My mother's health. Although her mood has been poor bc she is not getting enough rest to recover fully - and that has tried my patience a lot - I'm still very glad that she is cancer free and recovered relatively fast from her thyroid surgery.

My boyfriend Zack. Not to be a total mush but he means so much to me and helps in almost every aspect of my life. He has eternal patience when putting up with me and also has a view of the world I only wish I could see.

Other stuff I can't think of right now. But I know I'm a very blessed individual.

I've truly found my calling in life. If there is one thing I know I can do totally on my own its teaching. I love it. I succeed in it. It is my passion in life. The best part - I'll always have a job and no matter what, my job will not be a source of stress but enjoyment. Granted, teaching is stressful but I thrive in the academic environment. I might be stressed now in advanced calc, but i will manage to survive it.

It feels good to know that no matter how unstable the rest of my life will get, 9 months out of the year I'll have a wonderful outlet to make me feel valuable. The key to sanity is finding what will make me tick during the summer months. I'd like to think I'll have the motivation and funds to really open an SAT prep course out of my house one day. How feasible it will be is another story but I have a plan for the future. And finally, that's something.

All is right in the world (Not jinxin myself of course)
So last night i had an awesome convo with Liam and I think for once in my life i can safely say I've achieved closure. This is interesting since my dreams as of late have been about people I lost contact with and me being with them again. This included Joe Q, by cousin Stacey and the coffeehouse girl Shannon. Anyway, I went to bed with a good feeling that everything is gonna turn out just fine in the near future - for me and my friends... we just have to wait and see if I'm right. :)