Apologies...
.. to anyone who still tries to read this. I've felt no will to bare my soul or rather bare my mindless recordings of daily events with the online community. Not much has changed but I feel inspired to start this up again after watching an E! Hollywood True Story special on Oprah.

Oprah is awesome. She is the epitome of what every American should do when they achieve the American dream. I'm sure she has her faults as well, but for all the money she donates to things (be it for her own satisfaction or the press) she deserves the ungodly amount of money she gets.

After watching that special I feel further inspired to find a cause I feel passionate about. I used to be into volunteering, but now that I dont have a group of friends from school with me it feels more like a chore than charity. I used to want to be a special education teacher but after working with many I felt I couldn't make a difference there.

Perhaps the only passion I was meant to have is teaching. If I lose that this Fall I will have to be satisfied with one on one tutoring because I feel I no other area of expertise. I really want to get some hands on experience doing renovations and interior design, but I feel like there is a glass wall blocking me from trying to do anything that would lead me in that direction. I need to break that glass wall with a hammer! I need to tear up all the obstacles I put in front of myself and just be like, "look out World, here I come!" Oh, if only...

It's been a while
So I just got back from my road trip adventures with Erin to go see Rob play Rocky in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was definitely a fun experience. I'm so glad me and Erin had some time to bond. I miss having a female to complain with at school. It was nice even if it came so late in the semester.

I'm beat right now so I may update more tomorrow. Talk to you all soon.

The Past Few Days
The past few days have been amazing. The weather has been beautiful, I've enjoyed my free time, things with Zack are perfect, and the world is at piece. I never enjoyed spring before, but it's having such a huge positive impact on how i've been feeling lately. Maybe I shall embrace this allergy forsaken season.

Anyway, big weekend coming up next weekend. I'm cutting my hair, possibly dying it, and then immediately after buying dresses for the dinner-dance and family functions, I must face my father's side of the family at two back-to-back family affairs (My aunt Meryle's 50th b-day and my dad's father's best friend, Herbie's 80th. It should be good times considering how crazy everyone on my dad's side is. I enjoy them more bc I see them less often. I haven't see Herbie's grandkids in a few yrs. The last I saw of little David, he looked like pictures I've seen of a very young Zack. I wonder if they look a like now that he's in college.

I'm really enjoying the last bit of time with the guys as school is winding down. I never thought I'd say this but I actually miss Liam's presence the few days he's been gone for an honor's conference. He's good people as much as I hate to admit it. I wish the group could get together one last time for a big hurrah either in the city or at shanghai jazz. It'll be so nice to make one final memory. I know, technically I have another semester to go, but things will be so different - so close to real life... I'm excited but sad to see my alternate reality of college dorm life go.

Weird Dreams
So last night I had a dream that a girl smaller than me sneeked up behind me and was holding me in this mall against my will. Everytime I'd break free of her, she'd have this switch on every stores, anti-theft device (those things you walk through and it beeps if u still have a tag on it) that was able to stop time and erase people's memory of my coming there! It was freaky. Later on in the dream, my kidnapper changed to some random guy and Brian Lark, a crush from high school, came in to rescue me. His finally attempts failed when another "rescuer" betrayed us but not moving out of the way as we ran through door to escape. My first grade teacher, Ms Rettle was also there (I think on our side) but it was bizarre to say the least. I'm not sure if our escape was successful because as the end neared, it was sold as a play (in my dream) and another show was about to come on after we left. Some short, fat Italian guy asked me to the show and i was freaked out. Talk about weird...

Ok, now going back to the night before's dream, I was fighting off an attack with syringe that was supposed to be lethal and somehow he got the needle into me first and i was screaming to my friends, "don't let him push the needle in, I'll die" and then I woke up... I also hallucinated a scenario that I thought was real but was actually a dream. I thought I heard a large group of voices in my common room and imagined going out side to find Amy's bio study group in the common room at 8:30 am! This apparently, never happened.

Am I losing it or what?

Long term update
It's been a super long time since I wrote here. I just got back from a very productive Spring Break. I worked a lot on my master's thesis and did most of the work for my two online courses. I also got some time to relax with Zack and my family and it made me very optimistic about how commuting next semester will be.

I rearranged my room so now my bed is underneath one of the windows and my desk is on the wall where you enter my room. What a difference. I wake up every morning with the sun shining directly on my face and I feel like everyday I'm on vacation! I'm so happy with the progress I made in the room and I'm only half way done so far! I came back to school, refreshed, renewed and optimistic!

Weird Day
My day was very weird. I was supposed to meet with Anne at 10:30 or 11 and she didn't get to my house til 11:30. Usually I'm used to her being late but I felt particularly apprehensive when she didn't show up after 11am. While me and Anne hung out we went to the mall and we in G&G checking out ober cheap stuff when I noticed a younger girl who looked like Stephanie hare. I don't know why it bothered me as much as it did. Are you supposed to feel guilty that someone you used to vaguely know died and their dying and death had more impact on you then when they were healthy? I don't know but I feel terrible. I prayed for Stephanie so many nights when I knew she was sick. Not because she was a close friend, but a fellow human being who was suffering. I hope that makes me a good person.

In other weird news, I had to drive home with my "check engine" light on all the way to school. I was afraid of losing control of the car or it overheating and blowing up before I could get out (I don't know what that warning sign means can happen). All I know is as I prayed to get over the Goethals bridge safely, I was consumed by guilt as I crossed it. There was a lot of traffic and a bad accident in the opposite direction on the bridge. Someone met a fate worse than me while probably driving a functioning car that had no warning light on it. As I rode over the bridge I noticed a lot of low flying planes. I've never noticed that many before. It got me to thinking about 9/11 and future attacks that might happen. Normally I'm the last person worried about terrorism -if it happens, it'll prolly strike so quick I wont have time to worry, so why live in fear now? But for some reason I was in this horrified state thinking about death all around me. To top weird things off, while I was driving on the turnpike I noticed a plane plummeting down with brown smoke coming out of the back. I thought this was another disaster but when I looked again later it straightened itself out. It was so strange though. Sigh. I cant handle so much heavy shit in one day.

I'm glad I got to spend some down time with the guys. I have to keep telling myself no matter how happy I am with Zack, that I have to not plan my life around him. This is difficult when picturing next semester if I chose to live at home. I love my parents, but a lot of things irk me when I'm at home for too many days at a time. I was hoping the weekends could be my escape from reality at least for the first 6 months of almost-real-world-experience. Ro says he prolly wont be around on weekends so it'd be nice to have some quality time with Zack each week, but the more I think about it the more selfish that is. He has friends and a social life too and I have to give him some space. Ha, listen to me, worried about something more than 6 months away... Eh, hopefully all will work out. Hes a great guy and I'm trying not to jinx things by planning too far ahead.

Geh thats about all I have the energy to report for now. What a strange, strange day. May my dreams be sweeter than my thoughts have been of late.

It's been ages since I wrote
I realize as I check my friends' live journals, that its rather annoying when you check out their site and see no updates for weeks at a time. So... I'm updating.

Valentine's day wasn't horrible. We went out to see Hitch and I liked it (and liked the fact Zack kept his opinion to himself lol). Unfortunately, on the way home he got a ticket for forgetting to turn his lights on outside of the parking garage. What a lame excuse for the police to gain income. Meh.

In other news, I realized on Saturday after a long session of my friend man-bashing, that I really am lucky to have Zack. As much as I bitch and moan about lack of romance, he's an awesome guy and he treats me pretty damn well.

Yesterday was fun times with the guys. We played rummy 500 til 3 in the morning and I even tried my hand at an x-box game (soul calibur) and wasn't half-horrible. Except for a headache and a few aches and pains my weekend was complaint free.

Chivalry and other BS associated with Valentine's Day
Chivalry has always creeped me out. Maybe I thought it never existed in modern day times - you know a sense of real romance and well-intentioned acts of love. But I see some examples in my friends' relationships where it actually does exist. Often I've felt uncomfortable at any attempts of chivalry because I automatically assume it's a ploy to just get in my pants. But now that I have a bf who doesn't just want to get in my pants, is it so wrong to want a little romance? Is it so horrible to want a mushy note containing his true feelings? I dunno.

Maybe I'm buying into America's obsession with the storyboard for every romantic film out there. Maybe all this stupid commercialized crap for a fake excuse for a holiday is screwing with my mind. Or maybe it's my sudden empowerment/bitchiness that has led me to believe I should be as worshiped and respected as I do to those I love... Meh - who knows.

Computer is back up and running
So I haven't posted to this in a while. I realize a lot of my posts are negative. So instead of endless babble of the negativity in my life I will pull out the positives I've learned from all that.

I've learned recently that I have to stop putting every guy I've ever liked on a pedestal. I do this and in turn make myself lower and lower. I deserve to be worshiped too! I'm sick of thinking that I dont deserve a good guy. I realized, every guy I've liked, with the exception of my 3 long term relationships, has been scraped from the bottom of the barrel bc I never thought I could do better. I made excuses for them and made myself feel unworthy. I WILL NEVER AGAIN do this. I deserve the best bc I give the best of myself.

This month, just like the other past 3 months is not lookin too hot. My mom officially has the flu on top of and ear infection and a sinus infection. Shes miserable and theres nothing anyone can do for her. The whole house dynamic sucks bc nothing can be done but help her and stay out of her way.

In non-family news I got a 151 on my practice praxis exam (I need 137 to pass) so I hope thats good enough... Hopefully zack can help me last mintue study enough.