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Fuck if my Senior year English teacher didn't ruin poetry for me forever.

I can't write a serious poem to this day.

My head hangs in shame, but on a good note, I did write some random crap before this happened, so feel free to enjoy it while it lasts.

Ode To Chocolate, 1996
What is brown
And sweet and round?
What'd I say?!
Yes, it's brown
And coming to your town.
What'd I say?
Milky, bitter, dark, and sweet
Boy, is chocolate good to eat.
Like it day,
Like it night.
What if the whole world was chocolate?
Well, I just might...
Eat the cars and houses and trees.
Eat all the kids and my Aunt Louise.
Chocolate bunnies,
Puppies, too.
Chocolate cows that all say "moo".
I'd have some pie,
Maybe French Silk.
Hey! What the problem is?
Got Milk?
Chocolate fishies,
Chocolate moose.
Fried fucking chocolate goose.
Chocolate soda
Ate my neighhbor's chocolate pug.
Chocolate lakes and chocolate beaches,
Got bad grades,
So I ate my teachers.
Ate everything in the whole wide world.
I'm a jelly roll, zit-covered
Kind of girl.

Orange sun and cheesey moon,
Which I won't eat any time soon.
Sun bakes down, what's that I smell?
It smells so good...
Licked my arm,
What a tasty treat.
Bent right over and ate my feet.
Ate my eyes and ate my toes,
The lint in my belly and the snot in my nose.
Pretty soon, what did I hear?
Nothing! Cuz I ate my ear.
I ate my whole body,
But not my head.
But hey, guess what?
It don't matter cuz I'm dead.

Shitty, no? They get a little better. But not much.

Untitled, 2001
Shooting up desire
In the track marks of your smile
My love was pure and strong for you
When I was in denial.
Your mouth eats all my anger
And swallows all my pain.
My tongue licks up the carnage,
And every dirty stain.
I scratch my nails down your back
And rip your heart to shreads.
Your blood runs cold inside you.
Inside, my blood is dead.
Your soul is like infection,
My mind an open sore.
Abuse my vulnerability,
A hell so true before.
The sting of notoriety,
Disfiguring my mind.
Makes it so much easier
To leave this all behind.

Perchance To Dream, 2002
Wrapped in the arms of
Humanity, I am now
Completely asleep.

Ode To My Ex-Boyfriends, 2002
Joe didn’t count;
We were in the 6th grade.
Luke was disgusting,
And then there was Duane…

Duane was a member
of the “lovely” GD’s,
He got a fourteen-year-old pregnant.

Then after Duane,
me and Travis went out.
It was over when Travis
hocked a loogie in my mouth.

If my memory serves me,
Eric was next.
He dumped me because
I wouldn’t have sex.

Paul was a sweetie; I miss him a lot.
He wrote me poems
and called me hot.
But there was this guy,
Brian Elza was his name,
His band, Sans Everything,
enjoyed local fame.
I thought he was gorgeous,
I left Paul in tears,
Too bad Brian wouldn’t go out with me in a million years!!!

Then after Paul,
I went out with Dave Lane.
Now when I think about it,
he was kind of insane.
He laughed like a maniac,
even when he was alone.
And then he dumped me
for a lesbian named Simone.

Then after Dave,
I went out with Mike.
But a guy named Amos
I really did like.
I went out with poor Mike
for only a week,
Then I dumped him for “Anus;”

He had crooked teeth
and greasy, long hair,
He had pretty blue eyes,
But that’s all that was there.
He joined the Marines,
He got me grounded all summer,
I worked all the time.

I had crushes
on Neal and Chuck,
But I got stuck with Jorge.
Just my friggin’ luck.
Jorge was a jerk
and a smart-aleck twit.
He was a good kisser,
But that’s about it.

I’m with a different Brian now,
He’s the best guy I’ve had.
If I ever lost him,
I’d be incredibly sad.
But he might not end up
On the Ex-Boyfriend list.
Because of he does,
I’ll be pretty…

Breast Prose, 2003
Dear Twins,
I hate you. You suck. You are the worst things that have ever happened to me.
I liked you better when you were almost non-existent. Then again, I was like, 2.
Sure, all the guys like you. But I don't.
I go to buy a shirt and it's halfway up my stomach because you hog all the room.
Why must you force me to buy my bras at Walmart?
Why must these bras only come in white, beige, or black?
The day I find a colored bra is the day I get down on my knees and praise the heavens.
Why must you hurt me so?
I cannot run with you in the way,
for fear you might rise up and give me a black eye.
I have to run with my arms in,
so I look like a crazy fool...
who is running.
A crazy running fool.
Good thing I hate running.
Perhaps I would like running if it weren't for you.
You awful pendulous joykills.
Oh, you will rue the day you sprouted on me.


Limericks About My Friends, 2003
There once was a man named Sukhvir,
Who drank all of Capt. Hook's beer.
The Oracle said
That poor Sukhvir'd been dead
And deleted from the Matrix... *tear*

Sukhvir is my kind of guy.
I think I will make him some pie.
What "pie" really means
Is the slice under my jeans.
Ah shit, you just came in my eye.

I once knew this girl named Greth
Who made her living selling crystal meth.
The pimps, crackheads, and ho's
Snort that shit up their nose
While Grethel bling blings it with Seth.

I really can't tell you his name
But he does have this one claim to fame
With a puppet in hand
He plays in a rock band
And... oh my God, I think I just came.

My Monkey is awesomely great
She took my ass out on a date
She loves cheeses and meat
But not that guy Steet
Says Monkey: "Shake fisty WITH HATE!!!"

Donny is an excellent man
Who really is fond of my can
It's really quite tight
So he'll lube it up right
I just hope I don't shit on his hand.

While Donny drifts off to sleep
He playfully tries to count sheep
I put on some wool
He gives my pigtails a pull
And then, we proceed to make *bleep*

One day, it started to snow
So Suzipie went to the show
She was feeling quite "rand"
And had sex with her hand
Drink up, me hearties, yo ho.

The Official Band of The Jen:

The Official Make-Up of The Jen:

The Official Drink of The Jen:

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