TRY AGAIN.

Three Days Grace - Burn

[ Friday, April 2 ]

whatever r chooses to pon is sure to be a once in a lifetime experience.

camp was good. there was a lot we all didn't enjoy, like excessive "self-motivation" sessions. in fact, i had initially thought that we'd have more outdoor activities, but it was mostly talking about self motivation and all that stuff. i guess it DOES help in a way. but i would have enjoyed the outdoors since we were out in the country. anyway.

on the day we left it was careers day, which got me thinking about overseas work experience.. like teaching english in china.. for the less privileged kids and all that.. could be damn good, since i need to brush up my chinese. and got me thinking about my uni courses again. and DAMN nursing sounds damn good. jos says i'm too good for that though.. i think she's being overly polite.. and honestly.. nurses are sometimes more vital in the healing process than doctors.. i suppose its the dedication.. so we had a whole day filled with talks from people from unis etc.. and i suppose i was inspired.

then buses came to pick us up to go to the campsite. after quite a long drive we got there.. and it was this christian retreat place.. the cabins looked like a refugee camp.. really. ok maybe not, maybe i'm just being my upper-class-bratty self. but we got used to it soon enough. anyway. we had our motivation activities, then had a dinner. man they fed us every 2hrs there. it was great hehe. we had bingo and trivia.. which was more fun than i had expected. =) anyway the first night led on to april fool's so we locked our door in case we got attacked (which some people did, with shaving cream). heh we were the only group there so we used the gents toilet for showering.. heh =) "shower-bonding".

that night we dragged mattresses off the bunks to the floor and we shared the megabig bed. me and mso told ghost stories, freaked the rest out. but something freaky DID actually happen that night.. it goes something like this:

Me: tomorrow night we'll go over to their(the others) cabin and tell them ghost stories!
L: yea...your ghost stories are actually scary

and then this raspy voice, that sounds a bit like gollum goes, "RrrrRrrreaAAaallyy?"

we all turn to look at G, from whom the voice SEEMS to have come from, (which i didn't think she was capable of producing). but it wasn't her! and then we go around the room. NO ONE SAID "REALLY?" i was beginning to freak out and started scrambling towards the light switch.. L, who couldn't handle the intrigue any longer, burst out the door and saw the class joker running off in the distance. HAHAHA... priceless moment. =)

we did a little more bonding/talking.. then we all fell asleep to be zombiefied the next morning. more, motivational stuff.. face painting.. and then came the night, where we had a little liturgy.. i was going to zone out, as i always do in their religious ceremonies.. heh but that service included this ritual where we were invited to "bless" people that we didn't talk to often, we recently fought with etc in a way to make up with them. at first no one moved, but after the first person got up, others followed, and people were blessing each other like mad and crying.. groups making up and stuff. someone randomly blessed me heh. next we did affirmations, which involved writing something positive about your friends... and still more crying. in case you're wondering, i didn't cry a bit through all this.. that part comes later. just before bedtime they aired a video of the class' year 7 camp, which was so cool cause you got to see all these little people who changed so much.. actually made me wish i was in monte from the start.. would have been so interesting to know everyone better..

anyway i didn't stay too long for that cause i wasn't all that interested (heh). so we took showers and went back to our cabin to pig out and talk some more.. this time i think we were all tired.. after some talk we passed out. next morning we had breakfast, more motivational crap and then... the interesting stuff happened.

what they had done secretly was ask parents to write a letter to us and send it to the school so they could give it to us at camp. mso had told me about it the night before and i was kinda convinced that my mother wouldn't have written anything much.. wasn't looking forward to it cause we were fighting before i left for camp. but as it turned out she DID write soemthing to me. and for once.. she was talking directly to me.. not about trivial matters, not about studying harder.. but about my good points, that i had grown up a little... for once.. it was a little too much for me to take la.. i cried. but i still dunno how i'm going to face her tonight.

then we all had more activities.. the class had a major dance party with the music dancing.. it was DAMN COOL.. although i was too paiseh to join in.. i enjoyed just watching. we've got some really cool performers in this class. damn damn impressive.

i suppose i'm very grateful for these 3 days, because i could get away from the mess which is my household.. my computer.. and basically everything in my usual habitat.. but i dunno. it seems i will never have the best of 2 worlds.. i had so many thoughts and theories that i just didn't want to work things out anymore. like, wanting to be part of the community, yet not totally making it, cause there are just too many things to hide... wanting to be reborn, but unable to let go of the past... being happy, but losing myself, my identity by hiding ... bonding but seeing faults... its just too much for me to try to get my head around.. i should just sleep and go with the flow.

as for all the crap that i managed to get away from over the camp. eg cold storage. i was happy to be away from. private time is invaluable.. although i don't think i'll need much more, i still don't feel like dealing with issues up front.. not just you, but my mother, future.. everything else. i don't wanna say anything that will potentially blow everything apart. so.

later.

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

still alive at 4:57:28 PM. |