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Don’t Wait for Marriage to Beat Your Wife Do it While She’s Your Girlfriend Beck I was recently given the opportunity to witness a fairly heavy argument at school. It was between a young couple and both were quite attractive. He was average height with an athletic build; bulky, broad shoulders, chiseled jaw and cheeks, and she was short, petite, very cute, with beautiful eyes that wore a tad too much liner. As I eaves-dropped their entire conversation I couldn’t help but tell myself that, although both sexes are depressingly stupid, women are the more reasonable. From what I could gather, which was quite a bit, the male, whom we will call Hank, was upset with the female, Julia because when another boy flirted with her she did not kick him in the testicles. (Although this was never exactly stated, I’m sure Hank wanted Julia to do nothing less.) The argument went, roughly, as follows: Hank: I can’t believe you did that. Julia: What? Was nice? Hank: Well, yeah. You were practically flirting back… Julia: I was not! Hank: You were! Whenever you are nice to a guy flirting with you, you are saying, ‘Yeah, it’s cool for you to flirt with me.’ Julia: So what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t going to be a bitch. Hank: Why not? Julia: God! I can’t believe you. Hank: Oh, shut up. I can’t believe you. Julia: Well, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t give him my number… Hank: He tried to get your number!? Well what’d you say? Julia: I said no thanks… Hank: You said, ‘No thanks?’ … Well, I hope you get the picture. The conversation continued as such for another fifteen minutes then he started talking sweetly to her, touching her face, telling her he was sorry for getting upset while she apologized for not kicking his balls, and then they began to make out. In short, there are two things that truly offend me in this situation; first is that rather than her say, ‘Sweet lord you arrogant ass-hole, if I wanted to be with him then I wouldn’t be with you. I would have flirted with him and given him my number, but I didn’t because I love you,’ she said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I guess I can understand some hesitation because Hank was holding in quit a bit of rage and I suppose Julia didn’t want to explain the bruises to her roommate. This, I believe, is more than enough evidence to lock a woman away for stupidity for some time. I find myself more offended by Hank. It could be that, being male, I take this sort of reaction very personally seeing that it reflects poorly on all men. I feel that Hank could have easily said, ‘Baby, I think I need to see a doctor because my self esteem is clearly too low to have a healthy relationship with you, or any woman. It probably has a lot to do with my competitive father, who was always besting my achievements, to prove he was never too old to show me he was still the boss.’ However, Hank chose to be a prick rather than being honest. I pray that you are all as offended as I am about this, but seeing that I have heard of this type of behavior before, I have my doubts. If you do have some shred of dignity, though, and see both reactions as an insult to humanity, then I ask you to do me a favour. If you ever meet a Hank or a Julia, kick Hank square in the balls and spit on Julia as she screams and slaps at you in anger. Good luck on not being stupid.

“Well, I guess when you put it that way…” he said dryly. They, or rather she, had been discussing something or other and Liz had been trying to convince him to realize the truth behind all of the somethings. He was just saying he agreed to please her anyway and he thought, for a moment, she’d noticed. “I knew you’d come around,” she said with a smile, “I was sure you weren’t like the rest of your lot even if you’re not like mine.” This pleased him greatly, though he worked quite hard not to show it. He was glad someone could tell. He wasn’t too keen on being associated with his group in the first place but there was no in between in this town. He was the in between in this town. Still, when you come to a new place you have to go somewhere and this group was the more accepting, more open-minded of the two. In his groups views he did quite well with them, and in their own unorganized fashion they sent him quickly through the ranks until he was considered quite respectable. It’s amazing how far humour can take a man if he doesn’t piss anyone off. “Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone,” Liz said cheerfully as she noticed his empty face, “although, it doesn’t seem that you’d care all too much.” He shrugged his shoulders. “You know…” she paused. He knew what she was going to say and he knew she hesitated because she was considering how to say it without offending. “… you can come with our group any time. They don’t really see you as one of them, you know? What I’m saying is, you’ve never really made any trouble for us.” She said this with a sort of sweet indifference that he found quite endearing. Wanting to smile, he hid it once again. “I’m not too sure they’d be too eager for that, and I’m surprised that they are even letting you try and recruit me.” She said defensively, “I’m not trying to recruit you. That’s a very unfair thing for you to say.” Now that he looked at her she seemed more than offended but truly hurt and wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that like it sounded. I’m just… I mean… I’m just surprised they aren’t more bitter to the idea,” he said. Her eyes began glowing again, not quite as much as before, but surely glowing, Liz looked up at him again and, with a weak smile, said, “I told you they don’t have a problem with you and you aren’t active enough in your group to prove a threat.” She paused to breath for a moment and looked reluctant to continue, “besides, I’d like you there. You are a lot more interesting than half of the dolts I have to talk to, and the other half continually hit on me.” She was half hiding a smile. He noticed this and before he could do anything about it he realized that he wasn’t hiding his own smile, not even half hiding. “You know? That’s probably the first time any of us have ever seen you smile,” Liz said. “What makes you think I wouldn’t continually hit on you… and what are you talking about? I smile all the time,” he said. “No, you laugh all the time, there’s a difference.” “Either way,” he went on, desperately trying to change the subject, “as sweet as the offer is, I’m pretty sure that you guys are right for me either.” She seemed bemused. “Well, if your groups not right and my groups not right where else could you belong?” “Somewhere in the middle,” he said, without a second thought, “right between the two.” “But there isn’t a middle group, just the two,” she said concernedly. “I’ve noticed,” he said quite bitterly. “Believe me, I’ve noticed.” “Well, group or no group,” she began shyly, “I might not mind you hitting on me so much.” She smiled nervously and began to gather her things. He wasn’t really sure of what had happened until she was gone. He had sat there seemingly paralyzed by the situation. Not in a bad way but an awkward way instead. He wondered to himself whether or not awkward was good or awkward was awkward or awkward was stupid, but had no way of answering. He wanted to ask someone else, but who? He sat desperately for the next few minutes, going through names in his head, and finally he thought of someone. He’d ask Liz.