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The Onion's Greatest Headlines




Field Trip Mishap Fulfils Child’s Wish to be an Oscar Meyer Weiner

Scissors Defeats Rock

Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants

Jews to Celebrate Rosh Hashasha or Something

Basketball Star Blames God for Defeat

Perky ‘Canada’ Has Own Government, Laws

Christ Returns to NBA

Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia: Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grznc to be First Recipients

Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeros

Hate-Crime Bill Stalled by Pro-Hate Lobby

Painting of Jesus Totally Knows Area Man is High

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character with Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow Clinton on Senate Floor

Bleary-Eyed Cosmopolitan Staffer Cranks out 10 Billionth Way to Bring out the Animal in Your Man

Prisoner Sort of Expected to Get Raped more Often

Guy from the Strokes Accused of Trying to Look like Guy from the Strokes

Jesus Surprises 700 Club with Walk-On Appearance

FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing to Cover Up

Bush Gives France 30 Days to Speak English

Grandma Knitting Escape Ladder

Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot

Decision to Ask Girl Out Made Using 10-Sided Die

Okay, TiVo Gets it, You Like Porn

God Quietly Phases Holy Ghost Out of Trinity

Kuwait Deploys Troop

Side Effects Sound Awesome

Bush to Lovely Chilean Ambassador: “I Must Paint You”

U.S. Mint Employee Disciplined For Putting Own Face on Nickels

Christ Returns for Some of His Old Things

Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe

Seven-Foot-High Grammatical Error Displayed Next to Car Dealer’s Head

I have an iPod – In My Mind!

God Under Investigation for Failure to Provide

Gorillagram Employee Shot by White House Security

Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open for Public Drilling


Historical Onion Headlines

(1914)War Declared By All!:

Serbia Declares War on Germany Declares war on Turkey Declares War on France Declares War on Russia Declares War on Bulgaria Declares War on Britain:

Ottoman Empire Almost Declares War on Self

(1923) Russians Continuing to Kill Rasputin

(1933) FDR’s Fireside Chat Last Night Just a Stream of Cuss Words

(1937) German Jews Concerned about Hitler’s ‘Kill All Jews’ Proposal

(1939) WA-(headline continued on page 2)

(1939) French Surrender after Valiant Ten-Minute Struggle

(1946) U.S. Army Finds Last Place on Earth Untouched by War, Blows it to Hell

(1947) CIA Denies CIA Founding

(1954) New Magazine, ‘Playboy’ Offers Astute Literary Criticism, Tits

(1963) Martin Luther King: I Had a Really Weird Dream Last Night

(1969) Nixon Vetoes Federal Love and Happiness Act

(1969) HOLY SHIT: MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON

(1982) MIT Scientists Have Three Sides of Rubik’s Cube Complete

(1985) Victory! U.S. Wins Vietnam War at Last with Help from Rambo

(1993) New President Feels Nation’s Pain, Breasts

(2000) Muhammad Ali K.O.’s Ronald Reagan in Nursing-Home Scuffle




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