Scissors Defeats Rock
Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants
Jews to Celebrate Rosh Hashasha or Something
Basketball Star Blames God for Defeat
Perky ‘Canada’ Has Own Government, Laws
Christ Returns to NBA
Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia: Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grznc to be First Recipients
Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeros
Hate-Crime Bill Stalled by Pro-Hate Lobby
Painting of Jesus Totally Knows Area Man is High
Star Trek Introduces Alien Character with Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles
Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow Clinton on Senate Floor
Bleary-Eyed Cosmopolitan Staffer Cranks out 10 Billionth Way to Bring out the Animal in Your Man
Prisoner Sort of Expected to Get Raped more Often
Guy from the Strokes Accused of Trying to Look like Guy from the Strokes
Jesus Surprises 700 Club with Walk-On Appearance
FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing to Cover Up
Bush Gives France 30 Days to Speak English
Grandma Knitting Escape Ladder
Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot
Decision to Ask Girl Out Made Using 10-Sided Die
Okay, TiVo Gets it, You Like Porn
God Quietly Phases Holy Ghost Out of Trinity
Kuwait Deploys Troop
Side Effects Sound Awesome
Bush to Lovely Chilean Ambassador: “I Must Paint You”
U.S. Mint Employee Disciplined For Putting Own Face on Nickels
Christ Returns for Some of His Old Things
Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe
Seven-Foot-High Grammatical Error Displayed Next to Car Dealer’s Head
I have an iPod – In My Mind!
God Under Investigation for Failure to Provide
Gorillagram Employee Shot by White House Security
Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open for Public Drilling
Historical Onion Headlines
(1914)War Declared By All!:
Serbia Declares War on Germany Declares war on Turkey Declares War on France Declares War on Russia Declares War on Bulgaria Declares War on Britain:
Ottoman Empire Almost Declares War on Self
(1923) Russians Continuing to Kill Rasputin
(1933) FDR’s Fireside Chat Last Night Just a Stream of Cuss Words
(1937) German Jews Concerned about Hitler’s ‘Kill All Jews’ Proposal
(1939) WA-(headline continued on page 2)
(1939) French Surrender after Valiant Ten-Minute Struggle
(1946) U.S. Army Finds Last Place on Earth Untouched by War, Blows it to Hell
(1947) CIA Denies CIA Founding
(1954) New Magazine, ‘Playboy’ Offers Astute Literary Criticism, Tits
(1963) Martin Luther King: I Had a Really Weird Dream Last Night
(1969) Nixon Vetoes Federal Love and Happiness Act
(1969) HOLY SHIT: MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON
(1982) MIT Scientists Have Three Sides of Rubik’s Cube Complete
(1985) Victory! U.S. Wins Vietnam War at Last with Help from Rambo
(1993) New President Feels Nation’s Pain, Breasts
(2000) Muhammad Ali K.O.’s Ronald Reagan in Nursing-Home Scuffle
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