sad poemz

~hoarding solitude~

That's my voice in you, I hear it, words that

cry from inside out, so much my

own they smell of charred mesquite

in summertime, a year ago July.

The layman's job I did of handing down

your solitude, a gift, an altar's

offering, that felt like steady blows

to what I held as real and true

and all things good.

The earth goes numb beneath a crackling sheet

of ice. I am an ailing cat - circling for

seclusion,

digging, thinly scratching for

a swatch of fiber

where my scent remains.I am a wooden Indian

inside a hutch, sedate, there are no

edges on my cardboard face.

You found the missing witnesses.

Scattered, casually conspicuous,

the trail you leave,

crumbs ladled with guilt

like lumps in southern gravy.

They thought we were a pair; they said I was

a pretty one; it's what you wanted me to be.

At least ten people asked, you say

they wonder where I am.

Tonight my stomach growls to

dine alone, to hoard my gift of solitude

that feels like holy water mending.

Gutters overflow the backstreet curbs I walk

in shoes you disapprove,

soggy squeaking canvas wet with clay.

Cold on biting cold, I feed my soul;

I own my skin.

A chorus line of keys shuffle

from a silver chain.I circle blocks of brick

and glass, one window to the next, tugging

up and down and to each side to find

an opening, a passage wide,

the melting point of pandemonium.

Alone and warm inside the transformation

of who I will become until I get it right.

I Hunger

So many tears i cried of loneliness

i feel so hollow inside like a carcass

darkness is haunting me

driving me into insanity

my life now shattered from all the pain

Don't know where I'm going

but it's someplace new

to a paradise of suffering

even though i shed these tears

it seems as though no one cares

i play the game that i just can't win

every time i try I'm destined to lose again

beaten by all the battles

that i fought over time

I'm lost into a paradise of suffering

Don't know where I'm going

but its someplace new

a place i know all too well

a paradise of suffering of inner hell

ripped open by torment of lust

watching me bleed internally

slowly killed by the ones that i trust

dejected from grace

sentenced to suffer from emptiness

for eternity

forever cursed for my need to be loved

these tears that i shed

from endearment of pain from

playing your game

open your eyes and realize

that i hunger for your love

Thank You

Thank you for the love,

the love that was never there.

Thank you for the memories,

the memories we never shared.

Thank you for the truth,

the truth you never told,

For all the hurt and lies,

were the things that made me whole.

And I really want to thank you

for never loving me at all.

Because you taught me an important lesson,

a lesson above all.