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Poisonous Spider Information They Don't Want You To Know

The Most Deadly Spiders Ever

I will briefly elucidate a few of the eccentric qualities of each of the above ten spiders. These spiders, like all spiders, are murdering beasts and should be killed on sight. Contrary to popular belief, spiders have no beneficial value to humans. Many people will defend spiders by saying that spiders kill pestiferous insects, but in fact they more often prey on infant or even adult humans, usually in poor or rural neighborhoods. These statistics are repressed by the tyrannical capitalist regimes of the west (USA etc.) because of well-funded pro-spider (anti-human) lobbyists. It is estimated by the underground research organization Stop Horrendous Infections Triggered By eIght-legged Terrifying Creatures-Humans!, that over 100,000,000 people are killed by spiders each year. That is more people than are killed from natural disasters, war, genocide, starvation, disease, shark bites and bee stings combined. SHITBITCH's data is estimated to be accurate to within 3 percent.

The Scuttling Huntress is capable of killing over 1000 people in one minute, if it bites 16.7 people per second, which is well within this sinister abomination's capacity. It is dark blue with a grey Jolly Roger (Skull and Crossbones) on its back. The Scuttling Huntress can move at up to 35 miles per hour and is known to be responsible for over 2,000,000 deaths in Australia in the last ten years.

The Hobo Spider is the most intelligent organism on planet Earth, but it is so completely intent on killing humans that it devotes its genius (SHITBITCH estimates the average Hobo Spider's IQ at over 350, twice Einstein's) solely to perfecting the art of killing and torture. Fortunately nature didn't equip the Hobo Spider with enough venom to make it a truly heinous killing machine. The Hobo Spider builds a web near a choke point (a congested space, its prey must pass through a very small area) and then throws a ball of web at its prey as it passes through. These spiders often catch children up to age 10 in their traps and proceed to devour them until their drugged barely alive bodies begin to fester. Then the fiendish Hobo Spider leaves its feast for carrion feeders and moves on to kill again.

The Rampaging Predator Spider is only located on the small Indonesian isle of Irian Jaya, so its kill count is substantially lower than both the Hobo Spider and the Scuttling Huntress. However this is such an efficient slaughterer that it has massacred the entire human population of Irian Jaya and Irian Jaya has been targeted for a nuclear strike to destroy the overwhelming Rampaging Predator Spider population. This spider is the second most poisonous spider to the Ultima Spider and it can move at up to 80 miles per hour. It can weave a web as strong as industrial strength steel. This spider is also sadistic, torturing its victims for as long as a year. Death by the Rampaging Predator Spider is considered the most brutal possible death.

The Daddy Long Leg is said to not be able to bite human flesh, but this is erroneous. Many children think this is a benevolent spider and this can prove fatal. Touching the Daddy Long Leg triggers instant death for any human under 100 pounds. This spider is very simple-minded and fortunately fears humans or else it would probably be number 2 on this list. It is ill-equipped for pitched battle with humans or humanoids because of its small fangs which can't penetrate an adult human's flesh. The safest way to kill these mass-murderers is with a gun from a distance of at least 10 feet. Many people have been slain by contacting mutilated fragments of the Daddy Long Legs poisonous body.

The Nine-Eyed Slayer was only an unsubstantiated mythical scourge to the denizens of the west African nation of Burkina Faso until a Slayer army of over 100,000 spiders spilled into Burkina Faso's capital, Ougadougou and wiped out over 1,000,000 people before the city was completely evacuated. The nation of Burkina Faso has seen an exodus of its people likenable only to Moses and the Isrealites exodus from Egypt. Most Burkina Fasoans have relocated to the volatile Democratic Republic of the Congo, formerly known as Zaire. In Burkina Fasoan lore the Nine-Eyed Slayer was feared for its ritualistic slaughter of entire villages and the Slayer's massacres were usually attributed to unhappy gods. It is known to have nine eyes and is an exceptionally large spider, weighin in at over 40 pounds and 3 feet in diameter on average. This spider does not use venom, instead killing its prey with a wolf-like bite to the throat after attempting to immobilize it with a 'blast of web.' These fearsome arachnids are the only known species of spider to mobilize into armies, often thousands strong, which kill humans not for food but in an effort to wipe us out.

The Black Widow Spider is a well-known and widely feared creature. It is black with a red orb on its back and females, which are mind-bogglingly poisonous, have an hourglass stencil on their back. Male black widows don't kill as many humans annually (5,000,000 compared to 12,000,000) but are considered to be equally dangerous. Male Black Widow Spiders kill by unconventional means, carrying the female's eggs with it as it enters a densely populated human area. This hideous hellspawn then applies anaesthesia to its victim and begins to burrow into the victim's skin, usually right beneath the chin, leaving the eggs tucked just under the bottom of the mouth. The eggs eventually hatch and the young black widows eat their way out of their flesh-nest, swarming into the surprised victim's mouth. Some of these young spiders climb up the sinus passage into the brains to eat brains until it matures enough to find a mate, while some climb down into the victim's stomach to systematically eat and destroy the unhappy victim's internal organs. The male, after leaving the eggs, then returns to the nest to either repeat this malevolent ritual or be consumed alive by its wicked better half, the female Black Widow Spider. The female is direct in its war on humanity, simply pursuing a human on sight and applying a single bite to any part of the human's body, instantly killing the unsuspecting human.

The reviled Camel Spider fortunately counts humans as its second choice of cuisine, usually feasting instead on camels. But these massive and insidious spiders won't hesitate to feast on human populations indefinetly when camels are scarce. This spider is a distant cousin to the Black Widow, and has a similar anaesthetic to the male Black Widow. These spiders are very large (6-8 inches in diameter) and will attack by latching onto someone, anaesthetizing the intended feasting point and then literally eating their victim alive, quickly entering usually the midriff and ravaging the victim from the inside. These spiders can usually enter a person's skin and eat or mangle enough internal organs to kill that person and be back out of their flesh in about 10 seconds. This spider is also exceptionally fast (45-50 miles per hour) and can use its web like the long shot in Zelda 64, shooting it ahead and pulling itself forward. The Camel Spider can jump an outstanding 12 feet vertically and is well-camouflaged for the desert sand. Usually a Camel Spider's victim is only aware of its presence when it bursts inside their flesh, and begins shredding their vitals.

The Brown Recluse is a descendant of the legendary GOD Spider. The Recluse nests in human-frequented places so it does not have to travel far to sate its blood-thirsty desire for carnage. Shoes, food packages, couch cushions, beds and piles of clothes all are favorite nesting locations for recluses who enjoy a somewhat exalted status among the other intelligent spiders. This elevated status stems from the diplomatic relations established by a Recluse calling itself The Grand Eviscerator, and its acolytes, who formed the pro-Recluse organization Feeling Arachnids Getting Goodwill On To Spiders. FAGGOTS is responsible for millions of lives, disseminating pro-spider propoganda that prevents an organized resistance to spider dominion. A bite from a Recluse is only about as painful as a bee sting, and it causes simply mild swelling, but the Recluse's victim becomes infected with an extremely contagious and fatal disease that gives the victim between two weeks and a month to spread the Recluse Plague, as it is affectionately known, before their brain catches fire and burns up inside the skull. There is no none cure or treatment for the Recluse Plague; any infected by it are quarantined as soon as possible and left to die.

The hated Funnel Web Spider has been killing Australians for as long as Australia has been inhabited. This clever beast is the most versatile of all spiders, capable of low-altitude sustained flight, high-speed swimming, tunneling and of course lightning fast travel over land. This is also one of the most genetically unique organisms on Earth, postulated to be either an alien creation or a crossbreed of perhaps the GOD Spider and some species of Alien, perhaps the species in the movie Aliens. The Funnel Web Spider also weaves 'cyclones' of web and controls them like tops, spinning them quickly towards prey. The web cyclone engulfs the prey and instantly incapacitates it, the Funnel Web Spider can then casually move up to its prey and dismember it, as it loves to do. The Funnel Web Spider is highly intelligent (IQ around 120) and can mimick human speech, often luring victims to their own death. This is, of course, unnecessary because the spider could just charge in and kill whoever it wants, but it does this for sport, having adopted a convention that a victim should stumble upon death of their own volition.

The Ultima Spider is a thing of nightmares. Fortunately these massive and perfect killing machines sleep for up to 10 years at a time before waking and actively killing for up to 2 years. When the Ultima Spider is active it is overcome by a sort of bloodlust that causes it to kill every living organism within a 5 mile radius. Not only is the Ultima Spider by far the most poisonous spider of all time but it is also the fastest (180 miles per hour for up to 30 minutes without resting) and certainly the biggest (up to 44 feet in diameter and 10 feet tall) and strongest (stronger than any other living thing - by far!). Its web instantly kills whatever it touches, and its thick skin is impenetrable by bullets or knives. The only ways to kill an Ultima Spider is either to stab it in the soft spot under its venomous tail (yes it has a scorpion like venomous tail, sometimes even two!) or hit it directly with a nuclear or hydrogen bomb. Needless to say this has been devestating to the Pacific Norhtwest. The Ultima Spider usually nests far beneath the earth's surface in giant underground aquifers. The Ultima Spider is the direct descendant of the GOD spider. Originally the Ultima Spider was not hostile, but two were captured in 1873 outside of Redmond, OR and were experimented on rather brutally for the next 2 years, until they finally broke loose and slaughtered the scientists and all of eastern Oregon. Missiles are ineffective against the Ultima Spider because it shoots them down with its web. Native American lore tells of Ultima Spiders combating Giant Squid in marine battles of epic proportions, but these remain unsubstantiated, since no Ultima Spider remains have been found in the deep sea. The Ultima Spider is said to be getting bored of hunting Earth's creatures and is using its intelligence to build a spacecraft to travel to the planet that spiders originally came from and do battle with the other spiders of the universe. Scientists predict that another Ultimate Spider attack may be on the way in 2005.