Chapter 2: The plan is set

Back aboard the YaFaced Beauty, Captain Andrew and first mate Adrienne sit in the vessel’s finest dining quarters. Everything has been fancied up, made its nicest for their special guest. She appears, right on time, in an awe-inspiring burst of smoke. As it clears, the figure of Gristhmans Kingdom’s own witch appears.

Courtney: Mwahahahaha…I LIIVEEE!!!
Adrienne: Wonderful! That is great to hear! Help yourself to some grog to celebrate!
Capt. Andy: Agreed! That is wonderful news! We should do a pirate jig to celebrate!

As the two begin doing the buccaneer’s dance like proper pirates, a tear forms in Courtney’s eye.

Courtney: You have no idea how much that means to me…
Adrienne: Why did ye decide to help us, anyhow? * says the sentence in beat with the dance *
Courtney: It’s the little things, like this. In the kingdom it’s never “Hello Courtney, have a drink and eat with us!” or “Let us dance in your honor!”. * her voice fills with rage as she recalls the horrors * No, whenever I appear there, they ridicule me. “Stop wearing a fake nose!” They say, or “You’re not a witch, you’re just a crazy lady!” I have feelings too…and they don’t realize it.

Both pirate’s dancing slow as they hear the terrible story. On their faces grow a look of concern and disgust.

Capt. Andy: They do not appreciate you! Not like us, what kind of kingdom doesn’t give their witch proper respect?
Adrienne: I’ll tell you what kind, one that needs to be taught a lesson!
Courtney: * nods furiously in agreement * On that note…shall we get onto business?
Capt. Andy: Aye…do ye have the documents?
Courtney: * Holds up the scroll * Why yes..muahahaha… I have kept it hidden from Edmundo for all this time, but I will show it to him, right before you and your crew will make your move.
Adrienne: WHEEEE!!! And, erm…we have prepared for their defenses as you have suggested.
Courtney: Very good…they will be crushed….
Capt. Andy: Then everything is going according to plan…muahahahaha…MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Courtney: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Adrienne: BWEEEEHAHWAWHAWHAW!!! The three began laughing maniacally, and it traveled throughout the ship, drawing all the crew to the dining room. As each entered, they were motivated and inspired by the laughing to laugh themselves. And as each heard each other’s laughter, they felt motivated to laugh even eviler and louder than before. Their evil laughter fed off each other, becoming stronger and stronger. If you like evil laughter, then this was the place to be.

Later, just before high noon, the kingdom’s witch reappeared back in the castle. Edmundo was just about to take Selona on a romantic walk to seduce her, so she followed along.

Edmundo: Ahh…the sun, the clouds…makes me want to thrust you onto the grass and make love to you right here, right now! Selona, I must have you!
Selona: But what about our previous discussion?
Edmundo: I…

Before either could finish, Courtney butted her way into the conversation. She seemed frantic, holding the same scroll she showed the pirates earlier.

Courtney: My king, this is urgent. I have discovered something of utmost importance! Bwahaha-err…nevermind that laughter.
Edmundo: What is it? I’m in the middle of something, if you haven’t noticed.
Courtney: It is your father’s will. I finally found it…but within the will there is a clause that you should know about.
Edmundo: Well, tell me then, don’t just hype it up. Geez!
Courtney: * gets an evil grin on her face * It says if you are not married about tomorrow at midnight, you forfeit the throne.
Edmundo: WHAT!??!?!?!? * sees Selona’s glare and begins coughing * I mean…well, that is no problem. My fiancé is right here, next to me!
Selona: * eyes light up in huge hearts * REALLY!? YAY!!!!
Edmundo: Of course! We are getting married tonight!

A few minutes later, at high noon, the YarFaced Beauty approached Gristhman’s Kingdom harbor. A large plow-like attachment is lowered in front of the ship, as it slams into the beach. It moves with such momentum that it begins to travel inland. A few moments later, wheels come out of small compartments, allowing the ship to travel on land and crush anything in its path. It travels straight towards the castle, guards shooting arrows and hitting the ship with swords, but unable to damage it. It rips up the roads faster than even ten street sharks could. It rams the large stone structure, causing it to tilt at an angle. The pirate crew assembles on the deck.

Adrienne: Alright ye scurvy seabags! Leave not one behind, take them all or our plan will not work!! WHEE!!!

The mighty crew lets out a deafening “ARR” before jumping overboard and storming the kingdom. Most of the knights are pitiful, falling to the pirates like Pana after he’s had too much to drink. The only worthy warrior, the leader Jenna, was being neutralized by the pirate’s plan. Courtney had warned them that she possessed the strength of five burly lumberjacks, so they hired SIX burly lumberjacks to battle her. She found herself only able to defend, not stop the attack that was occurring.
Jenna: Curse you! I will defeat you all, for the glory of this kingdom!
Lumberjacks: Eh?
Jenna: Your warcry is fearsome, but no match for the steel of my blade!
Lumberjacks: Eh?
Jenna: SHUTUP!!

Edmundo and Selona sit huddled in the throne room, oblivious to what is happened except that the castle is now diagonal. A moment later, Andy and Adrienne burst in, snatching Selona and running away. Before the king can even realize what is happening, he hears a distant, “Rubble rubble!”. All that is left for him is a note written by Andrew himself.

After a few more minutes of attacking, the crew reassembles on the ship and begins making a retreat. Edmundo watches it head back to sea, while getting a damage report from Jenna.

Edmundo: How bad is it?
Jenna: Our knights were a joke. Streets are ruined, your castle has been damaged…
Edmundo: All things that can be repaired.
Jenna: They also kidnapped every woman in the city.
Edmundo: WHAT!? EVEN MY WENCHES?!
Jenna: * seems to be getting a little enjoyment out of that * Yes, even your wenches.
Edmundo: But…* decides to read the note Andrew left him aloud * “As you can see, we have every woman in your kingdom as hostage. To get them back, you must deliver us all your kingdom’s gold and riches.” * he crumples the note in his hand, angrily *
Jenna: Sucks to be you, your highness. Without a woman in the city, you can’t get married, and if you don’t get married by tomorrow at midnight, you won’t be king anymore.
Edmundo: You and Courtney are still here. * both begin laughing at the absurdity of that thought *
Jenna: Correction, no women that WOULD marry you are still in town.
Edmundo: I need time to think…

An hour later, in the throne room, Jenna approaches him again.

Jenna: My king, if you do not have a fiancé, the people in the kingdom will get worried. I hate t o say it but we may have to do what those bloodsucking pirates asked.

As he is about to nod, Edmundo gets an epiphany while looking at his fruit bowl and his wench’s leftover underwear.

Edmundo: Not necessarily…I will hold a press conference later tonight. That is when you can all meet my new fiancé.

END OF CHAPTER 2