Making the decision to have a child is momentous --
It is to decide forever to have your heart
Go walking around outside your body.

Men are like fine wine.
They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind
And, then turn full-bodied with age until
They go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

When a woman steals your husband,
There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Girls these days are growing up
And marrying men just like their fathers -
And we wonder why so many mothers
Are crying at weddings!

Man invented language to satisfy
His deep need to complain.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man
Are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

I don't have an hourglass figure.
I have an hour and a half.
I have a little too much time on my ass.

If you don't believe in oral sex,
It'd be a good idea to
Keep your mouth shut.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Marriage is very much like a violin;
After the sweet music is over the strings are attached.

A husband is like a TV -
Every time you start the same channel comes up.
But, a boyfriend is like the Internet -
Every time you log-on you see new sites with lots of options!

All tragedies are finished by a death,
All comedies by a marriage.

There's always a lot to be thankful for
If you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking
How nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
Because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

During sex, my boyfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night he called me from a hotel.

Drink within your limits -
That way you'll know when your having a good time.

There are three kinds of men...
Ones that learn by reading.
Ones that learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence. . .

Sex without love is a meaningless experience,
But as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good.

Young men are apt to think themselves wise enough,
As drunken men are apt to think themselves sober enough.

The most difficult thing in the world is to reveal yourself,
To express what you have to.
As a woman, I feel that we must try many things -
But above all, we must dare to fail.
You must have the courage to be bad -
To be willing to risk everything to really express it all.

An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
He will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between
A dog and a man.

There are a number of mechanical devices
Which increase sexual arousal,
Particularly in women.
Chief among these is...
The Mercedes-Benz 300SL convertible.

When I go out I go out in style...
I am the best dressed and the most messed
I am the one face down on the dance floor in the Gucci dress.

Younger women may be "getting it" more often,
But older women are more often getting it right.

Some people live life.
Others just suffer through it.

Money can't buy happiness,
But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom...
Sometimes age comes alone.

Every time I walk into a singles bar
I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

It's not the bulls and bears you need to avoid --
It's the bum steers.

I want a man that loves me for my mind and not my body. . .
But plays with my body and not my mind : )

Men: It is not what they take away from you that counts.
It's what you do with what you have left.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then,
What exactly are the others here for?

Money is not everything.
There's also Mastercard & Visa.

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of penis's
I'd come out sucking my thumb.

If you think all is lost,
then get off your ass and go find it.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
For they shall never cease to be amused.

For men sex is a lot like a car crash... first they go to fast,
There's a scream,
And then they flee the scene.

No man is worth your tears,
And the ones that are will never make you cry.

SEX: The only activity where you start at the top,
And work your way to the bottom,
While getting a raise.

No man is ever completely worthless.
He can at least be used as a bad example!

Everyone has a right to be stupid,
Most men abuse the privilege.

So many men - so few who can afford me.

If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.

Guys have feelings to. But like, who cares?

WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.

Stressed is merely desserts spelled backward.

If you want to make a woman nervous,
Just put her in a room with a hundred hats and no mirror.

The essence of marketing is about a blow job.
Promise a guy a blow job and you can sell him anything.

To love your fellow man is to know true joy.
To get him out of the house before your spouse comes home
Is probably also a good thing.

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together,
And your body starts falling apart.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
That you once got from a roller coaster.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst,
For they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges,
But, eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.
They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Life doesn't just begin at forty; it also begins to show then.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health.
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter;
It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
But she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here.

I saw a rather large man wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Shopping Tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius...
Because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace,
And he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets
Are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Sister.

Never do housework.
No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon,
They should be able to put the mall there.

lOOKING FOR A WAY OUT?
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet
Is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.

Go for younger men.
You might as well. They never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump Is unquestionably gay.

Definition of a Bachelor:
A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men.
Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually
"Oh all right, I'll stay the night."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
With a bald head and a beer gut, And, still think they are beautiful.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash,
And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT.

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen
--- just vending machines.

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

The difference between men and women is...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't! (Dedicated to MY X-Paul Roberts)

You don't have to be dead to donate your organ.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections,
Children tend to be sticky.

There are only two things a child will share willingly;
Communicable diseases and his mother's age.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
You want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When a woman is apologizing for her clothes,
It is a sure sign that her man hasn't admired them enough.

Man weeps to think that he will die so soon;
Woman, that she was born so long ago.

When some women kiss it reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.

After all women can keep secrets.
Imagine them telling the truth about their husbands.

The greatest of all human arts is that of being indiscreet discreetly.

Once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence,
She finds it almost impossible to get a husband;
She simply cannot go on listening without snickering. (Amen Sista!)

The resistance a woman offers to being kissed may be proof of her virtue,
But too often it is merely proof of her experience.

Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse.

A man may be a fool and not know it, But not if he is married.

A woman is as happy as she is pretty.
A man is as happy as he feels important.

Women love to believe themselves misunderstood.
One never realizes this until one understands them.

Love is a game in which men play for the fun of it and women for the prize.
Both usually lose.

In every woman's life there is one real and consuming love.
But very few women guess which one it is.

A woman always knows when a man is lying - (his lips are moving)
Except when he is telling a lie she wants to hear.

The idea that women admire their men-folks is pure nonsense.
The most they ever achieve in that direction is to pity them.

Most men's clumsiness at love and romance brings to mind the vision of a gorilla trying to play the violin.

Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom
That comes from experience.
To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.

No woman, examining her marriage intelligently,
Can fail to observe that it is compounded,
At least in part, of slavery,
And that she, herself is the slave.

I have simple tastes.
I can get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms, and men in love.

Single girls know more about men than married women.
If they didn't they'd be married too.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
Because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

There's a new medical crisis...
Doctors are reporting that many men
Are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'

A girl only needs 4 animals in her life:
1) a mink on her back,
2) a tiger in bed,
3) a jaguar in the garage
4) and a jackass to pay for all of it.

Pass this one to all you twisted sista's,
Maybe it will help us to understand these
Odd creatures called "Men"!
And, tell em to visit The HunkHouse
Spread the word...!!!!