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Mark Twain Quotations



"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."


"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times."


“A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.”


“Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.”


“All humor is derived from pain; ergo nothing in Heaven is funny.”


“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.”


“You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.”


“Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.”


“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”


“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”


“The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.”


“The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.”


“Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.”


“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.”


“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”