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My *LAME* Online Journal & Friends Updates
Thursday, 21 August 2003

My Dearst Friend of All (My very sexy online journal),

Hey. I'm so glad I have a few minutes to write. This is going to be my last entry because I realized no one wants to read about my sad and pathetic "life". I am nothing but a good for nothing bitch that talks shit about others online because I am so jealous of them. I wish I didn't have to force people that are fatter than Bone Crusher to go out with me. I'm upset that I don't have enough common sense to know how to give head without reading about it from a gay guy. I realized that hey, I'm WAY BEYOND STUPID since I can't even get into a school where someone in my family is a DEAN. I can't believe how pathetic I am and how much of a loser I am. It kills me. I won't bother any of you with my stupid "journal" anymore. Ok..well, I guess I'll go and smoke up now. Peace out, I'll always love you online friends.
Love, Heathes

Posted by ultra/lameonlinejournal at 6:28 PM EDT
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Wednesday, 20 August 2003

Hey Online Journal,
I have some bad news. I found out that this guy I used to date Robby has herpes. Oh no! Can you believe that? Just my luck. Anyways, since I did let him kiss me I think I might have it too. Herpes could be pretty cool though.
Ohhh! There is this guy Steve. He is so hot and lives like 5 minutes away from my house. At night I like to sit outside his house and watch what's going on from the street corner. Wow. It is really interesting. I have learned which window is his, and it gets me so hot and turned on imagining all the things he does alone in there. Current mood= horny
Anyways, one time Steve can over our house because he's friends with my older sister Melissa. He left his shirt, and I wear it everynight while I sleep. I get all hot and bothered and start to finger myself. He's the real love of my life *even though he hates me with a passion and just hangs out with me because my parents pay him* Steve drinks cheerwine, and so now I do too! It's my favorite drink, and I even saved the can he drank from at my house!!
On to Adam (my sexy beast). Adam, wow, he is so amazing. He was feeling sick the other day so I decided I would go over his house and give him a lapdance. Adam was so excited and it opened my eyes to new career possiblities since I didn't get into Tiger University and am probably going to amount to nothing but a stupid housewife.
About Tiger University, I am still stressing about not getting in. My family not only WORKS there, but they know the real important dean. He wrote someone in admissions a letter telling them I applied and how much I want to go. Yet I still did not get in. I think it's because I'm a fat ugly bitch that wears way too much makeup. Ok, I know that's why I didn't get in because they told me that in my rejection letter. Oh, and they also said I don't have any people skills and the fact that I write shit online about my "friends" really turned them away also. OH well, fuck them. I'll reapply if I'm not pregnant or dead in a year when I start being a hooker. (I aim high).
I have more shit to bitch about, and lots of ways my friends did me "wrong", but ya see, I'm too depressed about Tiger University to get into it all right now. So I will be sure to write you another entry soon.
MUAHZ I have nothing but love for you. I love my online friends! Yay! Hey, will any of you come over to my house for my birthday party, so I won't have to use blow up dolls again? Well much love., don't ever lose weight. I love you and don't want any competition.

Until later. Stay sweet as sugar (like me).

Posted by ultra/lameonlinejournal at 1:41 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 19 August 2003
Donkey Riding
Hi Online Journal. It's me HEATHES! I know I just wrote but I have some very fun updates to give all my true online friends. A few minutes ago my friend Susanne (who isn't really my friend) and I went riding on a DONKEY! It was neat! We had a lot of fun talking about crushes and my man Adam (who can crush anyone if he sits on them). Oh my! How I love him! Also, this is a cool fact about myself: I read the satanic bible! And boy did I love it! Talk about good reading. I am a little confused though because last night I was drinking alone (as I often do-since my real friends are online) and I woke up without a shirt on my bathroom floor. Oh god! Please help me! I don't know what to do. Current Mood= scared and lonely.
A little while ago I also decided that it is time to give my hunk Adam a blowjob. I have been researching the best technique for a few days now. To make sure I could do a satisfying job I decided to read a 4 page essay written by a gay guy on the methods of oral sex. Boy! Did that turn out to be helpful! Adam had a great time! And so did I! I think I am going to suggest watching gay porn with him, and then we can act it out. You, my beautiful online TRUE friends, know I have ways to make that work :-)
I am so cool.
Oh yeah. Black people and mexicans were working near my house today. I threw big cylinder blocks at them. I hate blacks and mexicans. I hate everyone that is different from me. Except for you guys, I trust all of you with my life.
I have to go and return this awesome porn tape! I will write later! I have LOTS of friends updates!

Stay sweet and I love you Adam! muahz

Posted by ultra/lameonlinejournal at 5:39 PM EDT
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Dear Online Journal,

Hi. I just want to thank my cool online friends that I never met before for giving me this awesome idea to create an online journal. Wow. Today I got bad news. The school I always wanted to go to since I was about 16, Tiger University, did not accept me. I was so upset. I mean, how could they not? My aunt is a dean there, and my mom is one of the kitchen helpers. Wow. I guess I am really dumb. Current Mood= sad and confused.

Anyways, lets have a FRIENDS UPDATE!
I am going to start with my least interesting friend Tonya. Tonya is really confusing me. She used to tell me everything but ever since she got run over on a bike she has deep secrets. It scares me. She has a new friend named Barbie, and she's a slut. I don't like her much. She's Jewish. I hate Jewish people. They smell like Rye Bread (a food I can't stand).
Next, Susanne. She is so mean. I hate her. She is one of my best friends and we ride horses together. She is so smart and is applying to Yale University, I never heard of this school before but I think it is in Texas. All Susanne does is talk about school. God how frustrating. She thinks Tiger University is an awful school so I stole her horses fly net. That will teach her a lesson.
And where can I begin with that SLUT May. God, she is so gross. She wants to be a dishwasher *I convinced her it's the best job ever* and she has sex with all these random mexicans. May will never amount to anything because she is so stupid and doesn't like white guys. She has a boyfriend Derium he has the biggest lips I've ever seen. He is so gross. I like to pretend I'm him online and get his friends to hate him. It's neat stuff. I'm hoping that May and Derium have a baby because I really like to see my friends struggle.
I have a boyfriend now too. His name is Adam. I made him go out with me. He is 400 pounds and has the sexiest fat rolls ever! (I love you babe).
I will write again later and give you more friends updates and tell you more about the people I hate!
Until then stay sweet!

Posted by ultra/lameonlinejournal at 5:03 PM EDT
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