| EYE-CANDY FROM A STRANGER |
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Maury Povich -- OK, I know Maury's picture has been up here for a while...but I can't get the man off my man. A lot of people think MP's show is made up entirely of paternity tests -- not true. They only make up about 80% of the shows. 10% goes to makeovers ("My mom has crazy hair!") 4% to questionable genders ("which of these three lovely ladies do YOU think is a man?") and rest goes to my favorite -- fat babies.
I call this one "Through The Dead Lense" -- an eerie photoshop altered pic of my chum Mikey. Wash some tranquilizers down with a shot of rye -- ok, now stare at the photo -- are you getting my vision, man?
Growing up, Mother would not permit me to read the comics that other young boys read, like Superman, Batman, or even Archie. No, she raised me on Ideal Romance. Ah, how I used to waste the days away flipping through backissues of Ideal Romance. Of course, the romance was far from ideal. Issues were full of affairs and scandal, heartbreak and despair -- pardon me, I'm swooning just thinking about it.
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 CUMMINS FINDS GIANT TELEVISION IN LOBBY
(AP)--Cummins found a big-ass television in a grocery cart in our lobby over the weekend.
"Thirty six inches of visual ejaculate," Cummins grimaced as he wheeled the bulky 34-inch picto-tube through the front door.
Danny, at first, was suspicious -- "Who, pray tell, would leave a godsend such as this in yonder lobby to be pilfered by any light-fingered gentry with youth and will on his side?"
Ignoring Danny, Grahame inspected the television with the precision of an expert inspector of discarded televisions. "Toshiba, eh?" He muttered, running a finger across the black plastic surface -- an action which took several minutes, you see, for to run a single finger, from end-to-end, across a television of such girth, is rather taxing undertaking indeed.
"The picture is yellowish and dim, but Lordy, the size!" Danny remarked, pressing his face against the screen.
"Get away from there," spat Cummins.
The future of the giant TV remains in question -- one cannot enjoy a TV of this size without raising it off the ground a foot or two, a situation not easily remedied. Cinderblocks have been mentioned in hushed voices, and talk of bringing in a professional from Berlin has arisen in certain circles.
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SMART AND/OR BEAUTIFUL 2004: AFTERBIRTH
One of these two traits will get you in the door
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| Have anything in common with these two? Lucky you! |
Well, if you haven't heard about it yet...you probably weren't meant to. I know, I know, life is unfair, you were born stupid and ugly -- not my problem. I have a party to organize: SMART AND/OR BEAUTIFUL 2004: AFTERBIRTH!!! Why 'Afterbirth'? Because we're celebrating four or five birthdays that are occurring in the two weeks leading up to the big day. Not your birthday? Not smart? Not beautiful? What a scam -- you'll have to have a talk with God about that one. Maybe you can have a DUMB AND/OR REPUGNANT party of your own.
Expect an orgy of social intercourse(!), music to both stimulate and inspire(!!), and, uh, limited seating(audible sigh). Uh, expect two working bathrooms!! Gawk at beautiful people! Speak with brilliant people! Or combine the two experiences by sitting in my lap and asking me my opinion on the new line of He-Man figures.
The rules are simple. This isn't Club Med. Bring a single bottle of alcohol, and perhaps some mix. Be creative. Should everyone participate we should have an open bar with some real personality. Bring food if you'd like, but we'll be doing are best to take care of that (not like last year, when all we provided to eat was molasses and a bag of flour).
Formal wear, please -- anyone in jeans will be poked with sticks and have a bucket of scabs dumped over their head (something I've been working on for years).
Oh, you lucky, lucky people -- to be attending such a gathering is to know that you are truly one of God's children. You have something to offer the world -- you don't understand it, you just know that you are blessed with great intelligence or stunning good looks or both. Like me.
Directions and trading cards below. See you there!
Directions: #1 -- Come to Islington Subway Station/the intersection of Islington and Bloor. #2 -- Call me on your cell phone. Just kidding. Well, kinda sorta kidding. Walk North on Islington. Under the second bridge, turn left(west) up the stairs. Continue to head west through the parking lot until you walk directly into a building marked 25. After you have recovered, stand up, dust yourself off, and enter the building. Buzzer number 0251 (Cummins/Chan). Apartment 2003. On the 20th floor. Knock. If no one answers, enter. Greet everyone. Take off jacket. Make small talk. Eat pork rinds. You've made it!
Or you can just enter "25 Mabelle, Toronto" into Mapquest and let a computer do the work for you.
SMART and/or BEAUTIFUL TRADING CARDS!! Because I DEMANDED IT!!
CYBERHOME OF THE BRAVE
My Battle With A Technological Deity
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| All the self-mutilation in the world won't bring you back.. |
Fuck with me, go ahead, Cyber-Home, I dare you -- any of you intimate with my media preferences know that when it comes to DVD viewing, CyberHome is the brand for me -- before that, it was ShinSonic -- these brandnames, long since etched into the public mind, have stood for quality, dependibility, and satisfaction since Hector was a pup (according to my Grandmother 'since Hector was a pup' is a very real cliche -- whether it is or not, I still like the ring of it).
That is, until yesterday, when, without the slightest warning, my CyberHome DVD Player died on the spot...
I have begun my all-out assault on CyberHome and you can be sure that all the juicy details will be posted here, for all to see -- we can't let them get away with this.
Click here to read the first in a series of jaw-dropping, contraversial emails that will strike CyberHome at it's very heart.
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| Keep smiling asshole, your days of DVD-enjoying are numbered.. |
FUCK THE BUENO
OH HENRY REGAINS IT'S CROWN
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| My kingdom for an OH HENRY..! |
All right, I've made a few mistakes in my life -- just ask my boy Brody, who lives with his mother in Kitchener, or my two girls Casey and Carmen over in Goderich, and that other kid whose name escapes me that lives with his 15-year-old mother and grandparents -- all of them will tell you: Dan Wettlaufer has made mistakes.
So when I trotted out here, my nose in the air and a Kinder Bueno in hand, predicting the Bueno would be the chocolate bar to change the face of the nation, I was only partially right -- the bar, itself, is a quality snack. But little did I know that an old friend was rolling into town with an eye on the crown.
OH HENRY has been on my breakfast plate for years and years -- for some reason, over the last few years, it has slowly dropped out of sight, despite the addition of a Peanut Butter version -- I just wasn't biting. Yet something deep and earth-shaking drove me to purchase an OH HENRY the other day, cosmic forces, maybe. And I am better for it.
I won't harp on about the OH HENRY -- if you've read this far, you're probably already familiar -- suffice to say, it's bigger and heavier and tastier than ever before -- if devouring miles of OH HENRY was a flaming homosexual act, then I'd be decked out in sequins and leather chaps, throwing streamers into the air and grinding up agains one hairy bear.
Take it from someone who really shouldn't be sucking back OH HENRYs -- give the old boy a chance, he'll suprise you again and again.
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"Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
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-Dylan Thomas (1960) |
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| This week's spotlight on: |
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| 'The Unknown'
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In sticking with our chocolate br theme -- A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE (with animated diagrams) DETAILING HOW THEY GET THE FUCKING CARAMEL INTO THE FUCKING CARAMILK BAR. Bookmark this one before the Government shuts down my whole page. Fuck.
The homepage of THE NATIONAL UFO REPORTING CENTRE, a place to report when little green men probe you, anally or otherwise. I hear they love just love pranksters over there.
OK, Corey Haim MAY or MAY NOT have applied for a job at the HMV on Yonge Street -- could be bullshi-at, but still worth a read.
NEWS IN A FLASH
 ABER CONTINUES TO
'HANG AROUND' MILWAUKEE(AP)--Aber Kingdom, also known to authorities as Ooter, Ebert, Abe, and the RubyStone, continues to 'hang around' Milwaukee, hassling women outside public bathrooms and checking payphones for leftover change.
"This is no big suprise," Johnny Vicious reminded reporters. "This is not newsworthy information, unless you're going for laughs."
Aber has a different take on things: "This is a big suprise, not just for me, but for everyone that once had high hopes for me."
"Newsworthy?" He continued. "I'd bet my best racoon-skinning knife that it is."
 DLF FOUNDER HOSPITALIZED AFTER ASSASINATION ATTEMPT(AP)--Danny Damnation, founder of the Diabetic Liberation Front was shot and wounded outside his Etobicoke apartment while on route to a political function. Danny may have been planning some form of military coupe at this function. Authorities have yet to point the finger, but one Mike Emberley has been singled out among insiders.
Movie Pick Of The Week
Hey kids! Go see Ju-On (The Grudge)!
Yup, more horror du Japanese -- I'm assuming you all ran out and watched Suicide Circle under my command, so let's follow it up with Ju-On (The Grudge). The story isn't really the issue -- we're dealing with ghosts here. Mean, intrusive, follow-you-home and hide behind your bed ghosts.
Just weeks before, I could be heard muttering to my roommate "the scary little kid is dead to me in horror cinema". And it was. Whether it be The Shining or The Ring, I simply had had enough. Ju-On changed all of that for me. That little bastard and his creepy cat will chase you long after the film ends.
A great movie to watch all alone at night -- and don't worry, whether you live in a house or apartment building, Ju-On caters to all. The shit will be scared out of you. Literally. Maybe you should crawl inside a garbage bag before you watch it to avoid nasty messes. |
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