I want to stay alive because I want to get there, but I don’t want to ride along the way. I want to close my eyes and wrap my arms in tight, wake me up when its over please? There are little moments that seem to make it worth it, but even they are not enough to overcome the rest, that swarm of negatives cannot be countered. I know I will survive but I don’t want to have to... I just want to be there at the end already. I want to save myself the pain, but it is inevitable. The question is, will it get better after? Or will the light at the end of the tunnel turn out to be a small crack in the lining of an otherwise completely dark path?
I can't do this forever
I can't go on forever
I can't be here forever
I can't push forward forever
I can't keep putting out and taking nothing in
I can't feel this way forever
I can't hurt this bad forever
I can't give this much forever
I can't work this hard forever
I can't even try to win
I can't do this forever.
I can't even do this now.
I won't last.
It hits me like an illness.
Stomach pain,
a churning of acid
I can hear and feel and taste.
Headaches,
a swirling of physical dizziness
and mental confusion.
Heartburn,
a weight from every direction,
an emotional wrenching.
I can't find the cure.
I sometimes find I'm drifting
Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I'm truly
Worth what I've been blessed.
I search through days that have been hard,
To try to understand,
The many trials that I have known,
The life that I have had.
You see me in my daily grind,
So confident and strong;
Yet when I am alone, I question
Just where I belong.
I often try too hard I find,
To analyze and guess,
To scrutinize, investigate
My life I will confess.
For somewhere deeper, there must be
Some meaning to this life,
Some way to make a difference,
Give a reason for this strife.
Is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found?
A greater purpose waiting
If I care to hang around?
It teases and it taunts me,
Always slightly out of sight;
A hazy vision out of reach,
Where darkness hides the light.
I struggle to bring clarity
To what awaits me there,
And yet this weak illusion
Always fades before my stare.
It seems the harder that I try,
To focus through the haze,
Just serves to add more questions,
Through my endless, tired gaze.
Perhaps I'm trying just too hard,
To understand it all,
For can we ever truly know
Just what we have in store?
Each incident, each moment passed,
Just adds upon the next,
But in the end, will I find truth…
Or will I be perplexed?
Perhaps I make it harder
Than it has to be sometimes,
But will my searching bring to me
My meaning over time?
Or will it leave me broken,
And confused as I feel now,
While questions bring no solitude,
To this, my wrinkled brow. – Kit McCallum