Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in traveling in a stage-coach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position and be bruised in a new place. - Washington Irving
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. - The Devil's Dictionary
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. - G. B. Burgin
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - Charlie McCarthy
"Trying" is the first step toward failure. - Homer Simpson
Steve: Johnny, what can you make out of this?
[Hands him the weather briefing]
Johnny: This? Why, I can make a hat… or a brooch… or a pterodactyl!! – Airplane!
What we do in life echoes in eternity. - Gladiator
Conner MacManus: Jesus! He brought a six-shooter!
Murphy MacManus: There were nine of them, you retard! What were you going to do with the last three, laugh them to death? Funny man? - Boondock Saints
Doc: You know what they say: People in glass houses sink ships!
Rocco: I got to buy you a proverb book or something, because this mix 'n' match shit's got to go.
Doc: What?
Conner MacManus: Well, a penny saved is worth two in the bush, right?
Murphy MacManus: And don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen. - Boondock Saints
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - The Devil's Dictionary
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. - Edward Flaherty
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.