I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer lick envelopes because I could cut my tongue and millions of spider eggs would nest inside my tongue and hatch a few weeks later.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
I will now return the favor. If you don't e-mail this to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.