miscellaneous

- Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spen their lives.
- The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
- Tell a man there are 4 billion starts and he will believe you. Tell a man a bench has wet paint on it and he has to touch it.
- A conference is a gathering of peopole who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Nothing sways the stupid better than arguments they can't understand.
- (on going to war over religion) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
- Do you have relatives that do nothing but complain and criticize? Don't let them get to you. God gace you 2 ears so things could go in one ear and out the other.
Use them.
- Sex appeal is 50% of what you got and 50% of what people think you got.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.
- The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probablity you'll get it wrong.
- It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, some idiot would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
- Light travel faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
One bright day in the middle of the might,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard this noise,
Came and killed those 2 dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.
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