John Kerry Voter:
Today we salute you Mr. John Kerry voter. While others were at the polls making informed decisions about their candidates, you were relying on Michael Moore for political advice. Yes, No, Maybe. The only thing we know for sure about Kerry are his three Purple Hearts. Sure George W. isn't the most articulate public speaker, but he's not scared of a football. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Democratic Douchebag, because the Republicans have Four More Years!
Mr. Constant Collar Putter Upper:
Today we salute you, Mr. Constant Collar Putter Upper. You, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold, back of the neck. Sure, your Pink alligator polo may look feminine to some, but not to the 17 other frat guys wearing the same thing at the bar. Where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where its okay for a man to go tanning. You ask "why can't we wear make-up, and use shampoo with lavender essence?" So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Mr. Abercrombie (or is it Fitch?), because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you might have one...in your man purse.
Sorority Girl:
Today, we salute you, Sorority Girl. In your pointed-stilettos, you understand that having blisters and cramped pinky toes is a small price to pay for the approval of your peers. Sure, your Vera Bradley bag and oversized pearls may appear to have been stolen from your grandmother, but we rest assured that your Daddy bought them for you fair and square. And yes, you may be snobby to every guy that approaches you, but we know that you're only doing them a favor by helping them understand that they are in fact, gay.
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Sorority Girl, because everyone knows that behind your dyed blonde hair and falsely tanned skin sits a real person in the driver seat of that Lexus SUV, and that real person is a pale brunette.
Rich Rodiguez:
Today we salute you, Rich Rodriguez. You, the coach of the currently unranked West Virginia Mountaineers, prove to us that starting out the season with a #10 ranking means squat. Sure, all we had to do was beat two unranked, unworthy Big East opponents to clinch a BCS berth, but instead, the Big East is in a 4-way tie and we now get return to Jacksonville to watch a team without a solid quarterback and a 79 year-old coach smack us around and make us cry. While all other 116 NCAA teams see this as "embarrassing", people such as yourself, Ed Pastilong, and David Hardesty say, "8-3, What a great season!" while fans who normally want to burn couches want to burn down your house. So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Coach Rod because when the Big East is informed it will never see a BCS berth again, you can just call on Chris Henry to give them the finger.
Stressed Out College Student:
Today we salute you, stressed out college student during exam week. As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on starbucks & aderol, you think to yourself, "am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life?" The distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. Christmas break is just days away, and your prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold bud light after that last exam, because for most of us christmas break will be spent in rehab.
Facebook Addict:
Today we salute you, Mr. Facebook addict. You thought you could just log on once, but little did you know it would consume your life. Joining one pointless group was just not enough. You find yourself adding every person you never spoke to in high school just to be "virtually" popular. As if IM wasn't enough to feed into your stalker-ish behavior, Oooo look at you with your 340659 "friends". So go ahead, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Compulsive Away Message Checker Turned Facebook Psycho. It's too bad that you're not too popular at the bar, cause in virtual reality, you're the life of the cyber party.