Science Jokes
WARNING: These may be the worst jokes you have ever heard or will ever hear! Proceed further at your own peril. Or if you are an oyster or a computer programmer at your own pearl/perl respectively. I warned you!
Note: Jokes not originally mine will be marked with a *
A proton walks into a bar... OUCH!
A nucleus walks into a bar... an un-related bar... and complains that all protons are alike. They just have commitment problems! I've lost two alpha particle males just this week!.
Monks go streaking out of habit.
explanation: The robes of a monk are often refered to as the monks habit.
Tennyson walked in front of an alcohol serving establishment and promptly died.
Explanation: Tennyson was a famous English poet whose most well known piece is entitled "Crossing the Bar" which is a symbol of death. Therefore tennyson crosses in front of a bar and dies.
*Descartes was on a plane when the flight attendant came by and asked him if he wanted any coffee. decarte told her "i think not" and disappeared.
Descartes was a philosopher famous for his invention of the Cartesian plane. his most well known quote is "cogito ergo sum" or in english I think therfore i am.
Mr. Edd takes to writting poetry and is so successful at it that he comes to be known by the name of Horse-speare. A upon hearing this a greek scholar was reported to have said "Horse Spear Oh! for Laoquan's snakes!"
explanation: (and this one really needs it) laoquan was a priest in troy who violently protested against taking the trojan horse into the city. He is reputed to have thrown a spear into its side and warned the cities residents of greeks bearing gifts. Athena is said to have been displeased by this and sent a pair of gigantic snakes to eat him.
An anagram is a rag man
explanation: An anagram is a rearrangement of the letters of a word or phrase into annother word or phrase. take for instance the word anagram which can be rearranged like this "a rag man"
If san is without and Ity is a general term for characteristics then is sanity to be without character?
Two children were comparing longevities of their respective pets. the first boy had a cat and was proud to report that his cat had lived for over three years. Since cats have 9 lives his cat was sure to live at least 27 years. Not deterred the second boy replied "thats nothing my toad must have hundreds of lives he croaks all the time!"
if you have two piles of pine logs with ten logs in each how many logs would you have if you multiplied
the number of logs in each pile by the other.
answer: 20 everyone knows logs add when multiplied.
explanation: Logarithms are used to deal with variable exponents in mathematics. they are often abreviated as LogaB and use a peculiar set of rules concerning multiplication division etc. one of these rules is that log A*B = Log A +Log B which means that logs add when their variables are multiplied.
You know what you get when you cross a philosopher poet with a venture gain capitalist?
Paradise losttm by milton-bradley
explanation: paradise lost was a famous poem/book loosely based on the bible written by the poet milton. Milton-bradley is a board game manufacturer. (if you roll three sixes in a row, thats 666, do you lose the game?)
*"nice bunch o' cow's you got there."
"it aint a bunch it's a herd"
"a herd a what?"
"heard a' cow's"
"why 'course i heard a cow's"
"no i mean a cow herd"
"well what do i care i don't keep no secrets from cow's!"
*There are only 10 kinds of people in the world those who know binary and those who don't
explanation: In binary 10 is equivalent to 2 in base ten.
* "Create a wise saying and your name will live forever"
Anonymous
Not Quite Hamlet
Which make better pillows big duck feathers or small duck feathers? well i suppose that's a matter of pinion.
What was the name of the girl the meteorologist married?
gail
porkus
explanation: Porkus is pig in latin, get it pig latin!
A lazy cleric could be said to have fallen victim to the sin of letheurgy.
Winnie the pooh was wandering the halls of a mansion looking for some silverware when he found a butler. Winnie the pooh asked him for directions to the nearest eatery equipment. Kindly the buttler pointed down a side corridor and said "sterling a hall away"
Explanation: Sterling Holloway is the voice of winnie the pooh.
Q. Where do long tailed clawed arthropods go when they want to have little arthropods.
A. To their lobstertrician!
A disembodied head floated into a hospital looking for someone who could cure a terrible head cold. But doctor after doctor couldn't help him and simply passed his case onto the next higer up doctor until finally he reached the doctor in charge that night and the doctor dispatched his cold with little trouble. The reason? Because he was the head doctor!
A vivacious gardener took it upon himself to make some poles so that his pea plants could have something to grow up on. So he planted a tree in his front yard and waited for it to be ready to trim so that he could use the branches to support his pea plants but just before he went out to trim the tree his neighbor came over and visciously trimmed the tree for him and threw away the branches. angered the gardener left his neighbor a nasty note that said "Let my pea pole grow!"
there was a group of sailors that while out on the sea got so bored that they decided to play baseball amidship. They didn't have any balls to pitch so they just used pitch balls. They all took turns pitching the rules say you should have only one pitcher at a time but they couldn't get the ship to stop. They had a lot of fun despite the fact that just about every play ended in an out of the barque home run. When the sailors returned home from the sea they wrote up a software proposal to make ship baseball a computer game so that people at home could play baseball amid chips! Unfortunately the software company thought the idea was all barque and no byte.
A gambler had a special ship made to his specifications to have 26 lines going to the sails on each side of the ship. That way he reasoned he would always know he had a full 52 cord deck.
what quark is the gamblers favorite?
ans: The anti-up quark!
Q. What isotope of hydrogen is the groviest?
A. Dude-terium!
a lazy knight was told to seek out and destroy a certain theif. Not interested the lazy knight simply lay around all day. Finally in desperation the knights lord hoping to preserve his reputation went out and apprehended the knave himself. He brought the poor thief to the knight and told him to execute the thief and finish his quest. The theif had just one thing to ask of the knight he looked at him and said "would you please be so kind as to repeat the quest-shun?".
When asked why he didn't simply slide down the mountain a glacier responded "I'm waiting till I can af-fjord it"
when a prominent investor learned that his iron ore retrieval opperations were no longer producing sufficient ore to make the operations profitable he concluded that this was a clear case of "matter over mined"
Do you know how Caeser was born?
With a caeserian section of course!
You know what you call zeus in glasses?
A geek god!
you know what the jock said when he read some of a programming book?
Its all geek to me!
You know what language untidy people speak?
czechsolobian!
You know what accumulating fat through the cooking of a civil wife is called?
Bulkanization! (For your enlightenment balkanization is the breaking up of a state by civil strife)
Speaking of eating you know what you call a man eating steel cylinder to put lies in?
A can-a-bull!
Do you know what tupperware enthusiasts go to spain to see?
The Bowl fighters!/ The running of the bowls.
How do lycanthropy and plastic containers relate?
A tupperwere turns into a spatula under a full lid.
What do boys do to their eyes at tupperware parties?
Put the lids on.
A librarian was asked what their favorite kind of writer was to which he promptly responded "childrens fantasy writers are the baum."
* Question: what do you call a giant with carrots in his ears?
Answer 1:anything you want he cant hear you!
Answer 2:a carrot top... you know like a tube top only well bright orange and as annoying as hell.
What do cooking and hippies have in common?
flower power!
P.S. If you found more than 5 of these jokes funny or actually suffered yourself to read all of them you should either seek professional help or immediately attend an institution of higher learning.
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