These four things I know are true! If God had intended for us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates. Forget Ernest Miller, someone needs to call Mike Tyson's momma because he needs a place to live. Serena Williams in the Ultimate Fighting Championships might be a good idea, and my name is Dave Banks. It's true, you can ask my mom!
Hello again and welcome to the second edition of my dad's second favorite column. Today I rant on the (su)X Games, Serena Williams in a cage, Jason Giambi and his tumor and I'll even squeeze in a little bit of thanks to my readers.
Leading off, the X Games will be coming to you from Los Angeles in the next few weeks and will be shown live on ESPN..............2. These stupid things wouldn't bother me so much if they weren't taken seriously, but they are. This idea of a bunch of pot-smoking guys with a severe peter pan complex putting themselves in danger is not my idea of a sport. We have all been force-fed these commercials for the games for the past month of these X Games contestants destroying things in the airport at Los Angeles. I have to tell you the truth, if a skater tried to jump over my luggage while I was in the airport terminal, I think I might punch him in the face. Isn't it enough that kids these days are doing this stupid stuff in skateparks, do we really need to encourage this anymore? 40 years from now the next generation will be pointing and laughing at mine because of the X Games. Who wants to watch this kind of thing anyway? Quite frankly, I'd rather watch Oprah Winfrey perform the nutcracker than sit through the X Games and feel my I.Q. shrivle up to a level so low that I could trip over it. Next topic.
I recently recieved an e-mail, now might I remind you that I was just having fun with the idea of a celebrity match at Wrestlemania 21. This e-mail was from a man in Mesa, Arizona by the name of Carl and this is what he had to say. "Yea buddy i think that ur right about that Williams girl. great idea, her and chyna in a match at wrestlemania. i think she is better at a UFC match tho." I think this might work Carl, Serena Williams versus Ken Shamrock inside the cage. No rules, no holds barred, anything goes. In fact, I was flipping through the channels today and saw that Serena pulled out of her last tournament because of a knee injury. I got news for you people, there is no knee injury. She is probably training for her bout with Shamrock as we speak. Either that or she is scared of being busted on her steroid abuse problem. Of all places to have a steroid issue, womens tennis. Who would have ever thought? If you think I'm wrongly accusing her of anything, look at her and then look at everyone she plays. I see her playing these 120 pound, russian girls and it just makes me wonder. Do the other girls just not work out? I doubt that is the case. Is she just genetically different? Possibly, but it's hard to believe that there can be one of a kind that way. And by the way, what does Ric Flair say about steroid use? I believe he said it just makes you more injury prone. Why isn't Serena playing tennis as we speak? I knee injury. Next topic.
It was announced today that Jason Giambi has a tumor in his "guts" that has to be removed, it's not just intestinal parasites. I just want to take a moment and wish him a speedy recovery, even though I'm a die-hard Red Sox fan/Yankee hater. I want to take a few more moments and bust on everyone of you who said Giambi was on steroids and that's why he was sick. I personally didn't find it possible that someone like Giambi would take anything to drop weight, especially being the power hitter he is. Shame on you all! Shame, shame, shame! Can you imagine the toughness of this man? Walking around with a tumor in his intestine this whole time? Maybe he should be the one in the celebrity match at Wrestlemania. Give him a contract right now! That's what I say!
Last topic, Mike Tyson was knocked out in the fourth round last night in his bout with Danny Williams and tore a ligament in his knee in the process. Now Tyson's future is not so certain and the hole he was climbing out of just got a little deeper. I don't know about anyone else but I'm really not surprised at the outcome of this fight. Iron Mike has turned into a nice, well-spoken guy instead of the rugged and angry guy he was before. We're going to have to start calling him Charmin Mike if he doesn't snap out of it soon. I don't want to see a Mike Tyson in the ring who respects his opponent and will think twice about biting their ears off. I want that old Mike Tyson back, the one who I genuinely disliked and wanted to kill anyone in punching distance. I don't know but the new Iron Mike is a little bit scarier than the old one, he's going to explode sooner or later, I just hope camera's are around to capture it!
Thanks to all my readers out there for a great first week. I recieved 742 hits which was way more than I expected. Thanks again!
Well that's all for this week, you all may return from the edge of your seats. I'm on a 188 hour break, see you all next week!
