First thing’s first. Right click on that window there, and go to “Options”. In the bottom left hand corner of the window that opens there’ll be an option that says “Repeat forever”. Click on that and cackle in a way that would imply that it will, in fact, play forever all for a very nefarious purpose. Oh yeah…then click on “Okay”…because it’s okay…really…well it should be, at least. If you don't see that...um...right click on the player again and check "Properties". "Options" should work, though.
Here's the best thing about Texas: we've got everything. Absolutely everything. You want a large center of Asian culture? Go to Houston. How about a city where there are more Mexicans than anything else? San Antonio. My point? What better way to counteract a mob of angry self-loathing hippies from Vermont than a horde of militant and hopelessly self-assured hippies from Austin? I rest my case.
So it’s depressed-ass Rey time again. The Christmas trees came in last Monday and my co-workers decided I get to work the tree lot all weekend because I didn’t have to unload the things from the truck. So once again I get to stare numbly at all the happy couples and cute little kids scurrying around looking at them with bright smiles and…well we’ve gone through this before. This time of year just kills me.
So...on to this serious question asking. I’m obviously in peak shape for it too: First a little back-story. I was sitting around with Mr. Will, discussing how he's going to get retarded rich by virtue of...well we won't get into that, it's a long story. Anyway, he proposed the plan that we buy a home here in Austin and then build a compound in Alaska where we'd stay during the 4 months out of every year when that state forgets that it's an arctic tundra. But I demanded that he alter the original plan - Chez Russell and two guest houses - to accommodate both you and me and a brood, so now there shall be a Willybacker home, and our house, and the two guest houses. He also expressed his opinion that the Mundo should multiply and that I'd be a good father. It galls me that I trust him enough to think that maybe he's right. Anyway, at this point he gives me a funny look and says "So...uh...what's the deal with you and Lizz anyway?"
I blinkses at him for about 37 seconds or somewhere thereabouts. Finally I manage to stammer “What do you mean?” to which he replies “Well, I mean...is she your girlfriend...or...can you guys date other people...or are you actually engaged, or…?” More blinksing. “Uh…I don’t really know.” “Well don’t you think that’s sort of an important thing to know?” I contemplate this possibility for a little while and then say some smartass thing, and in Will’s pot-addled world all questions had been answered.
So that’s the question: what is the deal? I’ve never really given it much thought because…well I know on my side it’s just not an issue. No one’s going to date me. I haven’t even gotten a single girl’s number in over 2 years, let alone gone out with anyone. And before that, it was an even longer period of time. Girls don’t like me. No…girls hate me. I have proof. Quite honestly it’s better that way. I don’t have the time or money to go through the “getting to know you” phase of dating when I have to pay $37 for cheese balls at some foofy restaurant just because it looked nice on account of having candles on the tables and waiters that weren’t wearing flip flops.
Ahem.
I think the dialogue in my mind about the issue runs more or less thusly: "Phbt…Lizz knows that if she meets someone she’s into I would want her to be with him. There’s no reason that she should have to sit around and get frustrated because I’m all like…in Texas. That just makes no sense. If she does that then she’ll just end up resenting the whole situation and burnination will surely ensue. She knows that…I think. Right?”
Seriously though, I have no idea how you feel about this subject because we’ve never had a relationship conversation beyond “We should get married” and “I can’t believe we’re doing this, what the hell is wrong with us.” It’s all just come along so naturally, and I think it’s beautiful. Then I go and do something drastic (like this) because in my mind I’m worried that there are throngs of guys who are just waiting to hook up with you and you’re staving them off with a gnarled walking stick or something of the like because you think you’re supposed to be devoted to me.
I don’t mean this to sound like I’m saying “we should see other people” because…uh…I’d rather we didn’t. In my perfect little world we’re all we need and we really wouldn’t think of being with anyone else. Sure, there’s a lot of stuff we’re missing out on, but we’ve both survived this long without it and we can manage a little while longer.
But obviously we don’t live in a perfect little world. We live in a world where I work 32 hours every weekend and get screwed into being stuck at this damned school for an extra year, doing things I don’t want to do and dealing with people I hate. Where something rather vital to your car, including the car itself, gets wrecked every 3-5 months. We don’t live in the world where things work out that tidily though. What should happen and what does happen are often two wildly different things.
For the time being I’m content with bouncing emails back and forth at each other and me doing stupid things with websites from time to time in a pathetic attempt at being creative. I read about radioactive bacon and think “You’re crazy…I can’t believe how wonderful you are.” I get an email saying nothing more than “You’re my favorite” (yes, I have that email saved, and I seriously doubt that I’ll ever be able to bring myself to delete it no matter what happens) and I’m left completely unable to think or do anything but stare at the screen for 10 minutes blinking occasionally. You constantly amaze me and you make my heart flutter in stupid ways that don’t make the first bit of sense. It’s been about a year since the first time I told you how I felt about you and nothing’s changed except that now it feels like we’re closer than we used to be, which is an entirely different brand of disturbing.
I don’t want you to think that you’re the only one who’s a little off-balance by what’s going on between us. You’ve said a number of times that you’re bothered by how close you feel to me. It is unsettling to catch yourself thinking about someone you’ve never met, let alone think about them every day. I've been in an online relationship before so that doesn't bother me so much. What is freaking me out is that I’m constantly getting more and more attached to you. It's like I'm really in love with you. And I mean the romanticized version of "in love" that I've been bitching about for years because it’s just bullshit that got made up by writers and moviemakers and it never really happens. The kind of “in love” that people hear you talk about and then roll their eyes and say “Well that’s just impossible. You just have to compromise.” What’s with you trying to screw up my worldview?
Okay so all of these things I’m saying have a lot of implications and can be taken in a number of ways so I’ll just be blunt. Usually I’m an advocate of confusion, but for this occasion, es no bueno: 1. I know that actually physically being with someone is an enormous advantage. It’s much more than just sex…it’s a meal you didn’t have to cook, or a hug at the end of a bad day, or any number of other things that 2,000 miles separation makes rather difficult. 2. I don't want you to think that I question your...uh...devotion I guess. 3. At the same time I don't want you to feel like you’re trapped with someone you’ve never actually met, because if you’re in that situation you’ll end up hating me, and that is the last thing I want. 4. I’d rather you be happy with someone else than pissed off that you’re not with me. If there’s someone right there that might make you happy, you should be with him. 5. If you happen to not bump into anyone who fits the bill, then I win and you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life ::cackles::
Life’s annoying enough without these kinds of complications, and I guess I just want to make it as easy on you as is humanly possible. There are a thousand things running through my mind right now and if I wrote them all out I’d have a book of senseless romantic babble and failed attempts at explaining emotions mixing with rational thoughts and making a huge mess in the process.
So I’ll try to sum it all up in one paragraph. Part of me says I’m worrying over nothing. Then another part of me says “Rey, don’t start thinking like that, asshole. Every time you assume that everything’s fine you get yourself in trouble.” Then the part of me that knows I’m ridiculously paranoid is like “Man, calm down, you’re just going to freak her out if you actually tell her all this crap and then you will get yourself in trouble. You better figure out a way to be more concise.” Then the smartass part of me that’s been in school too long says “When the fuck did you turn into an English teacher? Concise? That’s almost a dirty word. Take it back…take it back!” and then those two get in a wrestling match. Then the calm, optimistic part of me crawls out of its dark corner, clears its throat and says, “All you have to do is say something funny at the end and everything will be fine. That’s why she loves you anyway. She’s probably cursing you right now because you called her on it. And now she’s probably cursing you because you knew she’d be cursing you. Wheeeeeeee!”
I can’t believe I get away with this shit.
