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Hey Tubby, tell me a story!

The Birthday Squirrel

Ah yes I can remember it like it was yesterday, gee with my memory it could have been yesterday. But it wasn’t, it was a couple of years ago and I am just now writing about it which proves Tubby lives in a very disorganized world. This is a true story, I would swear on a stack of something to prove it, heck I swear all day long so I guess it is a moot point, but it is true, so on with the show.

Tubby got up the morning of his birthday and found his trusty old Hewlett Packard had bit the dust, in frog talk you would say, “IT CROAKED.” What to do, what to do, I love my computer, I spend 99% of my life with this grand dame of the electronic world, she was in a coma and it looked fatal. But most of all I had about thirteen swell deals going on Ebay, shooooot!

A friend had told me he uses the computer at the local library and it works great for him, give it a try fat boy were his words, give it a try. Gee the library it’s been years but what the hey, Tubby would check it out while he figures what to do about the black screened beauty sitting at home.

I jumped in the tubby-mobile and sped off to the local library, no big deal I told myself this will get me going again, a piece of cake, hmmm cake, I stopped and got a doughnut on the way. Gee’s what a crowd and on a Friday to boot, as I entered I found the place full of kids, teachers’ workshop? Ok I sign up for my 30 minutes of time and decide to read a magazine or two. “Pardon me, where is the Playboy Magazine,” just a frown from the soft talker working the desk.

Mr. Nevada? “Yes Ma’am, that’s me,” I replied as she marked my name off the list and showed me how to log onto the Internet. I am poking along, trying to access my email when a familiar wisp of peanut butter and chocolate drifts by. I turn around quickly and impeding my space is some smart mouthed little fat kid with chocolate on his lips. He squinted at my screen and said. “You would get more done if you would type faster.” I stared the candy-clad brat down and said, “If you don’t want to look like me you had better keep it down to about seven meals per day.” Ah yes with a recognizable lip quiver he waddled off to find his mother. Another job well done Tubby!

I am just getting started and realize I have wasted 25 minutes and done nothing, I only have 5 minutes left and turning to the gent waiting for his shot at this loaner box I said, “I will give you 5 bucks for your time?” A slow headshake no is all fatty got so I immediately started printing all my Ebay stuff and opened up a free email account. Something I think, I have done something. I am so pleased with my plump self I spend the next two hours looking at books on boats. A productive day I will tell you, yesiree.

The Tubby Mobile is pointed home the windshield wipers are working hard, and I have a whole pile of printed out material so I can mail off sold Ebay items and send billing instructions via snail mail to my customers. Gee Tubby, the day turned out pretty swell after all, makes it easy to overlook the dark rainy afternoon and the still comatose computer sitting at home.

I pulled into the drive and with printed material in one hand, my keys in the other I see all the little squirrels I feed waiting patiently on the porch for that afternoon peanut treat. I love these harmless little cuties; they run around chasing each other and come to my door begging for chow. “Ok little buddies,” I say, “Just let Tubby put this stuff in the house and!” Something flew through the air landing right on the pile of printouts! Then the pain hit me, “WHAT THE #%$&*(#$@,” It’s a squirrel, a cannibal squirrel and he is chomping into my thumb like it’s a piece of stolen suet, HE WON’T LET GO! Tubby throws the papers in the air, running wildly while trying to shake the squirrel from my thumb. Like the old silent film star trying to shake off flypaper I ran pell mell back and forth finally throwing this fur ball felon and my keys into the yard.

Tubby quickly gathered the soaked and blood stained papers, grabbing the keys I dashed into the house to wash the now throbbing thumb. Gee’s what a hole, and how do you care for a squirrel bite I thought. Quickly I called my daughter-in-law Missi, who was busy at work in admitting at a local hospital. “Missi I squealed, a squirrel just bit me!” Quiet, not a peep, then gentle laughter, then louder laughter, then hysterical laughter as she told her fellow workers. Finally she said, “ I will ask one of the doctors at emergency what to do for a squirrel attack and bite.”

She called back later and said, “No known rabies from squirrels in our area, just wash it well and put on some salve.” She then added that everyone is laughing like crazy at my squirrel attack.” Sympathy did not exist for this painful injury, laughs did abound. Yes, Tubby was the butt of many jokes, in fact one day when I didn’t quickly jump into a conversation a friend said, “What’s the matter squirrel got your thumb?”

So as I sat at my black-screened computer, thumb wrapped and throbbing, I reflected on my special birthday. Computer broke, fat kid made fun of me, squirrel attacked, I ruined all my paperwork and I provided entertainment for the usually tense emergency room at the local hospital. Yesiree about the only other thing that could go wrong would be if I burned the squirrel I have roasting on the old barbecue. Tally- Ho and thanks for the visit from Tubby.