The Floater!


They call it, fun in the sun, playing in the lake but I call it just another strange incident in the life and times of Tubby Nevada. Yep, I have written about peeing on the neighbors roses, peeing on the roof but this true story would be rated a number one or a two, let’s just say Tubby has made a number two.

It was a nice warm summer day and with the Nevada clan owning a house on a lake we were boating or swimming, this day it was swimming. My brother had some of his friends over for a swim and his little fat brother, I was again a tag-along. It was wonderful as we splashed and dived, a few canon balls, a belly flop or two, yep a great day in the lake- until?

Tubby felt the need to take a dump, yep a crap, a shit, make doo-doo and as this butt buster starting poking out I needed to make a decision as to where I would take this dump. Now I could have done the sensible thing and gotten out of the water walked down the dock, gone in the house and used the toilet. Or, I could do another one of my, “It makes sense at the time things,” drop my suit and let her rip into the lake.

It started easy enough, even talked a bit to the other swimmers, yesiree ignorance of the act is bliss when your fellow swimmer is crapping right next to you. But then the need to for a grunt came- ahhhhh under water I went, hey that worked swell, bubbles out both ends. Wow this one was going to be whopper and no need for a stick when you have delegated the whole lake as your toilet bowl. I cruised over by the edge of the swimming area and prepared to jettison this two headed monster. Oops a swimmer with a diving mask- would he see my suit down and this corned back rattler poking his head out of Tubby’s fat white ass. Nope safe passage and with one last grunt ahhhhhh, ahoy “Mr.Turd,” I hope you enjoy your new life at the bottom of the lake, or?

A couple of things one should think about when you think you are sending a depth charge to the depths. Make sure the charge sinks- and if it doesn’t sink what direction will it drift. Yon master Tubby had not thought about any of these things and as the old song says. “The Answer my Friend is Blowing in the Wind!” Yes the wind was blowing right back at the dock. Preparation my gramps used to say, preparation Tubby is what you need before attempting a big deed and this was one BIG deed.

I was as stunned to see this lake monster floating right back into the swimming area, maybe it was someone else’s, would the other kids notice, maybe it would still sink. Ah, the answer was no, no and no. Then I saw brother person running up the dock yelling for our mother. “Mom,” he yelled, “Tubby just shit in the lake.” Hmmm, things are not looking as swell as they just had.

My mother was a big lady but when on a mission she could run as fast as a sprinter at a track meet and she was flying today. “Tubby, you get out of the lake and get into the bathroom,” she yelled. Now she was a smart lady and the best mother a fat little shit could have, but I have to question her logic on this one. I had already dumped the deuce, why go to the bathroom, strange call but it was not open for debate. I headed off to the crapper and she ran off to get an empty Tide detergent box and a spoon to fish this errant floater out of the lake. You know, I wonder what ever happened to that spoon?

When I finished sitting on the toilet I was told I had to spend the rest of the day in my bedroom and couldn’t swim for a day. My mother went on and on how horrible it was what I did to the lake- gee mom you ever watch what ducks do as they swim, they are grunt factories, but like I said you didn’t get to debate with mom. Now here is the strange part. My mother with her motherly wisdom made me bury the deed in the woods. What- she had just made me go to the crapper because I shit in the lake and now I can’t dump the dump in the thug but have to bury it in the woods? Ok, as we know Mom is always right so I dug a hole and buried that floater box and all. Goodbye you traitor I said with a little salute, your only task was to sink and you failed. Oh well just another day in the life of Tubby Nevada.

So that be it my friends, enjoy this little story or hate it, makes no difference to this old lake shitter, it was fun whipping it up for you. Tally-Ho from Tubby.