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The Easter Bunny Gave me the Hives

Yesiree the Easter Bunny gave Tubby hives, for sure for sure. Here you go kids another true story from a fat little shit named Tubby Nevada.

I was about 7 or 8 years of age and already wearing husky cut jeans- yep in the good old days they used to brand your body type right on the tag. You were either a regular, slim or in my case “Husky.” You know it was hard enough being a fatty fatty four eyes and then they think it is fine to brand your trousers with a great big old HUSKY for all to see. That was a pretty rotten thing to do so here is a great big old "you suck" for whoever came up with that idea. Yea that makes me feel better!

As was the usual in the Nevada household we would visit my grandparents on Orcas Island in the San Juan’s for Easter vacation. Hmmm not PC anymore you have to say spring break, but when Tubby was a kid it was Easter vacation, so on with the tale. The week was spent playing on the beach and running in the woods all in preparation for the big Easter celebration. Now Easter was one of Tubby’s favorite holidays, why? Candy and ham and candy and did I say candy. Wow a fatty party you could look forward to all year. No holding back, dig in Tubby eat everything in your basket, eat the ornaments on the table, swipe a few treats from your thin brother, eat, eat, eat.

After the week of play it was easy to go to bed the night before Easter with all the expectations of what would happen the next day. Being the food addict I am, my dreams were of peeps, jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and eggs, yes and even those horrible weird colored hard candy things with a white crappy filling. They were the bottom ends of the candy chart but I did use them for filler for Tubby’s tummy thus I could ration out the high-end goodies making them last, you know an hour or two.

When Easter morning came brother person and I would get up and to our amazement little nests of green grass and candy were hid all over the house. Next to our bed would be our Easter baskets already full of big items like the bunnies and Chocolate eggs. Swell I would holler, this is so swell. We would jump up and start rushing around hunting all these little nests of goodies, tit for tat, it would stay about even as far as nest recovery. Ahhhhhh finally all the inside work is done now for the outside hunt.

The colored hard-boiled eggs were put outside and after dressing we would hunt them down, one in the tree crotch, one in the windowsill, some in the garden. When that hunt is done a quick count, hmmm two missing, so back out to hunt some more. Some years one or two would go unfound even the adults who hid them not remembering the hiding places.

Breakfast came next, a big old family feed, eggs, pancakes, links, biscuits, the works I tell you the works. My Grandpa Bill was the best damn breakfast chef in the world and you would walk away with a gut so full it would last until- hmmm until I could get to my candy. Nothing better to wash overeating at breakfast down with than a bunch of candy.

Not being a glutton I would pass on lunch and munch candy all day long, oh and throw in a couple of hard-boiled eggs. Eat and then eat some more was my motto plus you could smell the ham cooking for dinner, is this not a good life I would think. It is tough work eating all this stuff but I was just the fat one to do it.

We had an early dinner because we had to catch the evening ferry- oh here is a side bar, you had to take your car up early and put it in line so you had a spot on the last boat, then come home for dinner, then get a ride back to the ferry line in the evening. On returning we sat down to a meal fit for a king. Ham, spuds (two kinds I think) rolls, veggies, and gravy so sweet you could drink it. Top that off with an Easter Bunny cake and you know the drill, bloat, waddle, pants unbuttoned, and shirt un-tucked.

We would grab our stuff and rush off to the ferry line; hot rods to hell had nothing on us as we raced across the island. We would just have time to jump into the car and get on the boat waving to the grandparents as they stood at the ferry slip. Quickly I would grab a handful of Easter candy and rush to the ferry deck to wave goodbye.

The ride home was long and dark so I would doze then wake up and with basket of candy between my legs grab a little something to snack on. Hmmm feel a little flush I thought, oh well maybe scale back to some jelly beans, yea darn near medicinal in the candy family. Finally home, it is late and mom says you boys’ better get to bed since it is school tomorrow. Tubby isn’t feeling well, and when putting on my PJ’s I see this rash all over my body. NO WONDER I FEEL FLUSH, I have the measles or something, polio, does polio start with a rash? Note: When Tubby was a lad polio was around and every time you felt ill or your leg fell asleep you were sure you were heading for an iron lung. Quick tell mom she will make it go away.

Mom looks at me and says well young man, you look like you have the hives, maybe you overdid the sweets a tad. Good old mom, she said a tad, when she could have said. “Tubby you fat pig, you have eaten 10 pounds of Easter candy in eight hours.” Nope she was kind to her little tubster and said overdid it a tad. Loved that woman.

So that was that, and I cursed that Easter Bunny for giving me the hives, yes you see if that furry little crap dropper hadn’t given me all that candy I wouldn’t have the hives. Odd how my brother, the thin one as people would call him when they pointed us out didn’t get the hives. Odd too how he still had darn near a full basket of candy. Hmmm he must have gotten more, yea that must be it. Oh well my flannel sheets and a night without sweets made Tubby feel one whole lot better the next morning.

Did I really believe in the Easter Bunny- yes? Was I sure he was the one that gave me the hives- well to be truthful, yes. Did this ever happen to me again- can you say almost every year, I told you I was a food addict. So that be it my friends, hope you have a Happy Easter and bite the head off a chocolate something for the Tubster.