Sometimes as a kid you do things that no matter how long you think about them you just can’t figure out why you did it. Here is one that still baffles the tubster today.
The Nevada’s lived on 2nd street in the town of Auburn, Washington. It was a nice house, 3 bedrooms, and two bathrooms with an unfenced yard. Note I said two bathrooms, so on with the story.
For some strange reason Tubby would sneak over to the neighbors and pee in their roses. I would be playing inside and run outside past the bathroom door to go next door to take a leak. The more I pissed the deader the roses were and the more baffled old Mr. Carter got. I would see him with powders and sprays tending to his sick rose plants. With instructions in hand, products scattered around his feet he worked to save his precious roses.
Day after day I would use his rose bed for an outhouse never thinking that it caused any harm to his plants, I guess I just enjoyed standing in his beds little tubby in hand hosing down the foliage. Yep no worries, that is until-
I had just walked across my back porch, the one that had a bathroom in it and headed to old man Carters for a pee. Wee, pee on the roses, pee on his siding yep the perfect yard pee until I felt a hand on my shoulder. “What the hell are you doing?” Old man Carter yelled then spun me around. Ahhhh not a good idea to spin a little kid taking a piss around, first they have great water pressure and shoot a stream like a fire hose, second they are poor shots, good aim comes with age. As he is yelling at me I am still peeing and let me say he now has no dust on his shoes. Grabbing me by my hand we march off to the Tubby Mansion.
”Mrs. Nevada,” he is yelling as we march through the open back door. Will you please make Tubby quit peeing on my roses? My mother is in total disbelief and says, ”What makes you think he is peeing anywhere but in the toilet.” “ Smell me he yells, just smell me, you don’t think I smell like this all the time do you?” My mom gives me the eye and says, “Tubby, are you peeing in Mr. Carters yard.” Now I could have lied but my pants were still open and the old man blaming me was standing in my living room stinking of pee. All I could squeak out was a little yes. My Mom said, “From this day on you will only pee in the house, if you have to go and you are outside you come in, OK?” She made me apologize and promise to old man Carter that I would never pee in his garden again. He accepted my apology, thanked my mother then left to clean up.
Like I said little kids do strange things but a deal was deal and I kept the promise to my mother and I never took a pee in the roses again. In fact I never had the urge to yard pee again after all that. Whenever I felt like I had to take a leak, I would march into the house, up the stairs past the bathroom and pee out my bedroom window. I still remember how swell it was watching that stream run down the shingles then disappear into the gutter. My very own little river of piss plus I was inside and I wasn’t peeing in the roses. Yep, as I said, little kids do strange things. Someday I will tell you about taking a lake crap- darn floaters.