A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again. "Mom's weighing the mailman."

********************************* Bite your tongue
What's one thing you don't tell to a vampire?
Bite me. ********************************* Yo mama so short Yo' mama so short, she tripped over a skittle, hit the curb, and died on impact! ********************************* Blonde on the Run
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says the brunette.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says the blonde. ********************************* C.E.O. D.U.M.B One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper.
Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy." ********************************* MEN ARE LIKE.....

Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ....... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ....... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ....... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ....... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ....... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ....... Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like . Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ....... Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. ********************************* Dont talk to drunks!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly." *********************************
A Day in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As
he is wallowing in despair he has his first
meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot
of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and
fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we
drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We
get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love
the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you
want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead
anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't
mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
pall the drugs you want and if ya overdose -
that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a
swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate
Fridays. ***********************************************
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each
other in bed.
The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a
very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I
guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!" ***********************************************
Ever Wonder?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to
click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who
tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is
used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole
plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress? ********************************* The Ranch A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired! ********************************* The Phone Call to Daughter Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?" "NO, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause. Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now." "Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house." "Okay Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore." "I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'? "He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause. Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"

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