5-13-03 My first entry from my mind to this unforgiving world of hate. Today i learned what real pain was to feel unsatisfied with my self and with my actions as to feel pain not just for mine but for a significant others actions as well. i live and try to live each day as its own but lost thoughts from the last day always seem to mingle in with the new ideas that ponder around my seemingly hopeless mind. How can one fell so heartfelt for one and remain so cold to another. How does one instore the mind power. Love is not to be mixed with pleasure but often is a result. Sometimes even love is more pain than love its self. How does one seperate love, Pleasure. There is no set way just a set thought for the set time in a set moment. If u have never loved someone and lost them u will never know true pain. Love lost is the worst pain of all. 11:17 Lost love
5-14-03
troubled minds heal and painful thoughts grow like uncontrolable actions in the mind of a unstable person. if u live ur life through the eyes of others ur not really living ur life ur living theres in duplicate. for a life is not a life without a person to run it like a job is not a job with out a person to work it. make u day worthwhile and do something new if u go a day with out learning ur not doing ur job of living ur life ---learning---
5-19-03
If u live ur life scared of what others think ur not living at all. lovers come and lovers leave but the one that is real will always come back. As the quote says true love conquers all but the question i have is love up to the challange. If true loves only comes around once and u loose it will u ever find true love again. U know ur real friend are when everyone else leaves and they walk in
5-28-03
I lost my love i lost my life but with life comes new love so have i really lost a thing. friends are like clouds all around till u need them. real friends walk in when the rest walk out. if u love someone well fuck this i dont love anyone goodnight im out like a fat bitch in dodge ball
6-8-03
things are looking up i havnt felt so good in a long time kinda short but oh well im happy
6-10-03
i thought i found a love that i lost. for a few short hours i thought she loved me. i watched her come home in his car and call me and lie to damn far. she hurt me once but not quit like this the pain is deep and burns inside. i wana kill him cause he should die but then i realise that shes to blame cause panty droppin bitches are all the same.fuck u sara stay the hell out of my life.u really know how to just get someone up and fuckin beat there ass down.
7-22-03
Its hard enought to love someone Let alone forget them. Sometimes it takes the better man to let what is said and done alone. Sometimes what you dream about for your whole life might only turn out to be a heartake but sometimes it can be everything u have ever dreamed about. sometimes true love can lead to nothing more than the worst pain u have ever felt.
Your sleeping and im dreaming of u and ur dreaming of him. Love only holds it strenght when love is held together by truth. when a person denys love is it because that person is not ready or is it because that person subconsciencely knows what loves holds for him or her. what does it mean to love someone so much that u would rather die than have to love someone the same way again. like i asked before if true love only comes once and u loose that love will you ever find that same love u once lost. In my case i hope cause to equal what i lost its going to take alot to make me love again. i know every thing will be ok just stay gone stay gone
8-1-03
what the fuck has my world go to hell in a hand basket just doenst cut it more like shit off the wall that bounced in a hand basket.
what am i doing. why do i care what is right why do i keep turning around and looking over my shoulder hoping to catch a glimps of her. i did her wrong she did me wrong we should be even or is are love merly a love to hate and to hurt. we dont get along we fight all the time sometimes i dont know whats up but we always just want to hold eachother. ive never cared so much it hurt ive never hurt so much i cared but i guess life goes on and so will I as for now she doesnt want me i will move on
Blue October (calling you)
there something that i cant quit explain im so in love with u. you would never take that away and if i said that a hundred times before expect it a thousand times more.
8-05-03
Garth Brooks (unaswered prayers)
Just the other night a hometown football game
My wife nd I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be
She was the one that I'd wanted for all times
And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine
And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then
I'd never ask for anything again
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
Inn her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn't much we could recall
I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all
And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thankedd the good Lord
For the gifts in my life
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
Some of God's greatest gifts are all too often unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
(last entry) just like my feeling have stopped so shall this
In The End
(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Trust it come from so many things, from who we are and from who we use to be. trust follows some and hides from others it. it hides in a corner under a sheet like a child hiding from a shadow a shadow of himself. You cant hide from trust, trust is who you are if you run it will only be worse. trust in yourself dont put trust in what others have to say. hold true to ur self bileve what you are not what people tell you. No one knows you like u know yourself. Your the only one that can hold ur truth no one to speak for you no one to testify about ur life just your own mind and your own eyes have seen what you have done. Are you proud of what you see or does it decust you. Do you trust who you are, do you trust yourself. If you where a unknowing person would you put trust on the person you call your self. Would you be willing to spend the rest of your life with your self. could you trust who you are. how do you decide if you can trust your self can you betray your self. can you hold your self responsible for your own actions. If someone doesnt trust you is it because of who you are or who they think you are. everyone holds a past. If you have a bad past should it be held against you for the rest of your life. Should people be able to say ur untrustworty cause of actions that happend 2 years ago. Or do they only try to bring up your past to take your mind off of there's. What do they hide are they trust worthy are they worth all the things said if someone loves you why would they make you feel bad about who you are. why would someone want to see the one they love hurt why ........why .... why does this keep running who i am posession is 9/10s fo the law i thing trust is 9/10s of love with out trust there is no true love just two people waiting and watching for one or the other to fuck up. Thats not a way to live not a way to care. not a way to care for someone you love. if you love that person for who he or she is then trust should not oven be a factor with loves come trust cause if u cant trust someone then u must really hold no special love for them
A new begining
Today i awoke. I saw what i would have never thought to be. I forgot what i loved instead i broke free. sometimes i dont understand how or perhaps why you would want to break free from love. After all some people spend there whole life chasing it like a never ending stories end. If there is no end then will u ever really get to a conclusion? think about that...
Anyways im proud of my self i learned something important if u hide how u really feel your never doing to know what you really want. If u doing something so many times out of love is its infact really love. And most important if you have to push on and try harder every day to love someone is it really LOVE... Maybe it was, maybe a long time ago love always is going to either grow or get weaker. which on is better. i loved someone like there was nothing else to love but i got nothing in return close to my love. But for a strange reason i kept going back for more like at a bad buffet if u paid for it u might as well eat it right...
Well i guess i learned my lesson i went off and fuked up i ate way to much of that shitty food and now i puked not just on my self but on my friends. so i promised my self and them i wouldnt go there ne more i fig it would be better for the both of use.
Well the most important thing im hear to talk about is that one girl someone that u know but u really have no clue about them. sometimes i meet someone and you just click. i feel like i made that connection with someone. she is kind, sweet, and willing to give in order to recieve. she makes me smile when i talk to her. something i havnt had in a long time. she calles me just to let me know she is thinking about me. ne ways enought about miss suzi.
feelngs hide and feelings grow the last forever atleast till you let go. Some can be hidden some can be put away like a pair of old sneakers that u dont want ne more. if you hide something long enough whats the reason for keeping it around. its kind of like if u live ur life to someone elses standards whats the point of living your life cause its not urs then.
sometimes you try your best to understand someone and when you just think that u understand them you realize that hey thats not that person thats who that person thinks they are. You just realized that you where understanding there friends and actually not that person. Ok now think about this how many times have you came hm sat around and heard a song u liked and just danced to it. now if you where infront of your friend would u have done that. how many times have u just sat around and started singing would u have done that infront of your friends. Chances are you wouldnt have. If u have to hide who u are inside to be friends with someone then chances are its not worth trying to make that friendship. I know some of this is just rambling on but its important and i no that this prob wont be read bye alot of no one but maybe that on person that stumbles across my site surfing the world wide web will read it and get something out of it. if that happens its worth my time to keep writing and just vent everyday common bull shit. till the next venting session have a fucking good night ---Seth--- sometime in december 03
Im going to try this again last night was just words that never matched
ALONE... How do you know when your alone. why would you want to ever find out. I guess im at a point in my life that i just feel like im alone. I miss having someone, someone to hold, to love, to think about. i guess thats how u know when yoru really alone. im not talking about the feeling u get when ur friends are not around. im talking about that empty spot that you hold on your inside. the spot that use to belong to someone that you cared about maybe even loved. That spot of happiness that is now filled with sadness. That one spot that eats at you till you cant take it anymore. It slowly weakens you like the way venum from a snake kills you. it doesnt really hurt till the end. and ou either make it through the pain or you dont. there isnt a medium. just a black side and a white side.Right now my soul is empty I feel like i cleaned my room for nothing i made a space for something that never as mine at all, just something that i thought was mine. lonesomeness if thats even a word, its a silent killer its like that snake you never saw its like that car u didnt see and pulled out infront of. It just sneaks up one you and hits with a impact so strong that you never know what to do.I guess it all comes down to one thing i miss not being alone i miss having someone to hold, someone to care about, and someone to love.
