Sunday night I thought I felt the babies move, I was driving home from my mom's house (going over the beltway 8 bridge). I started to cry and the guy that took my money looked at me like I was crazy. When I got home Robbie was sleeping, so I woke him up, still with tears in my eyes to tell him that I felt the babies. He smiled and hugged he, and laughed at me because I was Sentimental. I didn't feel anything else the whole night. I got up Monday morning and came to work like normal. I started to feel the feeling again, but it wasn't bad, like a hurt pain or anything. But I called the doc and make an appointment anyway. When I went in, they took me straight to the ultrasound. I could see my two precious little angles, (that was when I found out FOR SURE there were two). There was a Medical Student doing the ultrasound and I could see the screen and I kept asking him why I couldn't hear the hearts. (I was there a month before and could hear the hearts clearly.) The Med. Student wouldn't say anything to me; he just kept moving the thing around my stomach. Finally he told me that he would be right back, and went and got the doctor. The doctor came in and after what seemed forever he said there were no heartbeats. I guess I was in shock or disbelieve, cause I didn't cry then. He took me to a different room and injected me with some medicine and put me in this machine. There you could see the babies, and you could see a bright yellow color all over. The doctor took me off the machine and too a room and told me that their sacs were filled with cancer. One was a lot smaller than the other, and he said that he has been gone from some time now. He also told me that what I was feeling Sunday night was my body trying to reject them. I gave me a total of 5 shots before I left. He said that he wanted my body to aboard them itself, because if those sacs busted then cancer could go anywhere. Today is Wednesday, and I KNOW that my babies are not inside me anymore. Everyone knows that I have had a miscarriage before, but this hit me hard, I have never got to hear their heartbeats before, or see then in the ultrasounds. This one is hitting me real hard, and I am trying my best to keep calm. What hurts me the worst though is to look at Robbie and see his hurt. I also know that he is trying to be strong cause he is worried about me.

Its Been a Week

Its been a week since the day I found out. Im doing much better today than i was a week ago. and creating this site is helping me deal with it. But, every morning I still wake up and think about them. And I see other people will babies and I still dont totally understand why god choose to take mine. I dont want to stay in a depression state, so I keep myself busy. And just remind myself that they are in a much better place. You know yesterday was my birthday, and I saw a lot of family, and it was good. But in the back of my head I still had my little angels on my mind. I wish I would have know what sex they were. The more this rattles my mind, I know that they were not identical and the more I think about it I really truely believe in my heart they were a boy and a girl. They are my Hannah and Gabriel. I know that robbie and I could not have gotten though this mentally without the support of my family, and they have been great. But I want to think a very very dear friend. I wont say her name, but she knews who she is. This person, I have only know here for about 5 years now. I met her at work. We were never the kind of friends that you call everynight or make plans with over the weekend. Mostly I saw her at work. But even though when I need her mentally or spiritly she is always there. She always knows what to say. You know I dont go to church much and I havent picked up a bible in a while. But she is always there when I have a question. And when I first found out the babies were gone, and even now, i want to curse god, and ask him why me. But I dont and when I get those thought I think of the stuff she has taught me. I want to really think her for all she has done for me. Thanks Anyways, I know that things will get better. And they are. Robbie has started school back today. He likes it. And we are moving on. I know everything happens for a reason and I am just waiting to see what my reason is.

Its been 3 weeks

It's been three weeks. But everyday I still think about them, and so badly wish I could be counting down the days until i could hold them and kiss them, and tell them how much i love them. It doesnt really get easier as the days go by. But I learn to deal with it better. We have leona right now. So she is keeping us plenty occupied and it makes me think that god may have had other plans for us first. Because with leona living with us, I, have to be the grown up. And everyone that knows me, knows that was never me.  But today I got am email from a very dear friend. AMY. ( robbie and I met her and her husband in michigan, she was in my wedding). But she is one of the most kind hearted and sweetest people that robbie and I have ever met. But anyhow, she emailed me this morning. And she went into this great detail before she got to her point of, SHE WAS PREG. She thought that I would be mad or wouldnt want to talk to her. But even as i was reading this email, I was sitting here at my desk with all these people i work with looking at me like i was crazy, because I just started crying. I was crying, cause she was so kind enough to be so ,gentle, in the way that she told me. And of course I was thinking of my two angels that i will never be able to hold. But Amy, not because you are preg, but because I am so happy for you. You and Mark are some of the nicest people that we have ever met. And you are GREAT parents. And no matter my problems, I will always be happy for you. And right now, I am very happy for you guys.

Its been 2 months

The month is already October. We have had alot go on since that terrible day of Aug.24,2000. That is a Day that I will never forget. We are copeing, and going on day by day as it is nothing. But still on the inside I ache for my little angels everyday. People ask me if I am ok. And I am and will be, but still its like a pieces of my heart is missing, and for that it aches. I look and my precious little neice and wish so much I could be as lucky as per Parents. But I know that I have to look over that. Anyhow, we are doing good though. Today I go to the Dr, hopefully for the last time (i wish ha). Right after the babies went to heaven my white blood cell count was too low, now they got that back to normal, but NOW my blood pressure is TOO high. I have been going for two weeks trying to bring it down. Hopefully today I will get good news. But I do not physically fill bad at all, just sometimes real drained. I just wish that for Robbie I would be able to give him what he always wanted, A FAMILY.

 The mention of my child's name May bring tears to my eyes, But it never fails to bring Music to my ears. If you are really my friend, Let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart And sings to my soul.