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I've finally got the chance to ride out, got the uniform. Yet, after all these years of wishing..I'm scared? Because...The one shift I've gotten to know thinks I'm quiet because they were talking to everybody else..in groups I'm generally quiet. But that alone isn't a good enough reason to be afraid. And actually by riding outtomorrow before the weekend and I can have a chance to proove myself to them without Nicole being there. That putting an end to some potential problems. But..the only thing is. I would be riding from when school gets out until 8ish. I would have been there in the morning to learn things that way. To be able to help with stuff and participatre and possible earn some trust. Or couild I? They would still be doing things. They were Monday. I dunnnnno. I wanna. Really bad. Years ago if I had had this opportunity I would've taken it. How in the world have I become such a wuss? How have I changed so much? Why is it so hard to be the person I was, the person I liked, the person other people liked, a better person than I am now. I've got to do this. But I don't want to feel like an idiot. This bad outweighing the good is beginning to get irritating. I need to remember only the good and leave it that way. Fine. I will. I'll go over there tomorrow after school with my uniform in my bag. Say to the battalion "I'm an explorer and I was wondering if I could ride out until 8 tonight." But I dunno what to do if we get a call. and stupidity is a word that highlights my forehead in big red letters. Dude, but I want to ride out. and I will. If not for me...I'll do it for Grandpa and Bailey and all of those nice daydreams I have before falling asleep. I'll do it for a worthy reason. I'll become a person Grandpa would be proud of if he were still here. I will.