I'm at the library right now (just got out of school) and waiting until my mom can pick me up. Been going through some of the old pages I've written, looking for one in paticular. There's so many things I want to tell to somebody and at last I'm in the mood to tell..so, I guess here it goes.
Last week I had an appointment at Scottish Rite a year later after two surgeries and three hospital stays done by a different doctor. After that torturous summer the surgery should have never been done to begin with. All thought out this "occasion" my thoughts have still been on the fire service. A lot of it with the question going through my mind of "Can I still be a firefighter?" A question I still don't know. Also a question I'm not about to ask. Partly cause I'm afraid of the answer and sometimes a person has to give themselves the answer they choose to accept. Nonetheless the appointment last week was because of the amount of back pain I've been having has gotten me to the point that I can't ride my bike (something I was doing every evening for numerous miles), carrying my backpack for school has become a major chore though as I say to defend myself, "It only weighs 18 pounds." They're going to do another surgery to take out the "hardware" and to see if the fusion is a nonunion. But nobody knows if the pain will ever go away.
At the same time I am a fire explorer in this city, a program I've been hoping they would start for several years. Throughout a lot of the meetings someone usually asks why we're interested in the fire service. I can never tell them why other than it's something I've always wanted to do. These things that I'm unable to do has become a big disruption to things I usually take pleasure in. It's strange to have somebody know nothing about you and some how ask the questions that means the most to you. Cause the plain truth is, I don't know where I'm going. And since someday last year when I made an idiot of myself I haven't been to speak to God. No doubt that is why I'm so lost. Grr..I dunno.