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badassadnd

HUMOR

other: how to drive a gamer crazy

i stole this from somewhere.. some are good some bad

1. Address anyone as 'Worm".
2. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
3. After a loss: "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
4. After a win: "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
5. After rolling a 'kill' against an enemy: "Tag - you're it!"
6. Announce "you'll need this", and hand the Dungeon Master cards with the suicide prevention hotline number.
7. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
8. Announce that you will play, but only under protest until obscure political/economic issues are resolved, such as the President authoring legislation to fund research for all-weather adaptation of biometric face scanning technology for Alaskan oil pipeline pumping station maintenance crew equipment access security. Make sure everyone is clear on your stance.
9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom. Use the grade school number system (I have to number two!)
10. Answer every question with a question.
11. Arbitrarily shout 'Halftime!' Demand to change table sides, and clear the field.
12. Around Christmas time, belch the tune to jingle bells. Have a friend with you who can sing the words to it.
13. Arrange a protest before the game starts (i.e. Threaten the dungeon master that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
14. Ask everyone to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
15. At a local hotel lobby, gather handfuls of pamphlets and brochures. Cram them around your gaming supplies, and litter the area every time you go into your bag.
16. At the start of every match, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about a minute. Then, one match, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
17. Babble incoherently at a fellow gamer then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
18. Bet the other players you can fit a quarter in your nose.
19. Black tie only.
20. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other players.
21. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
22. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the game. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
23. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
24. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Challenge the Gamemaster to find the section on musical instruments during games. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
25. Bring a pillow.
26. Bring a thermos of kool-aid and lots of dixie cups. Charge 25 cents a cup.
27. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
28. Bring an animal carrier for your 'familiar.' After a while, discover it is empty. Ask everyone if they've had their shots.
29. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
30. Bring chopsticks. Use them to position your figures. If anyone touches your figures, shake your head and say 'You'll regret that.'
31. Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
32. Bring personal cheerleaders, to stand beside the table.
33. Bring pets.
34. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. (Be prepared for people to join with you.)
35. Bring things to throw at the dungeon master when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
36. Bring your pet boa.
37. Call your dungeon master "sweetie".
38. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
39. Chew other people's pencils
40. Claim political asylum with the dungeon hordes or the evil wizard.
41. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
42. Come into the game wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
43. Comment on how sexy the dungeon master is looking that day.
44. Complain that one of his figures is 'watching' you. If he actually turns it away from you, claim that it's sneaking peeks.
45. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
46. Conduct long internal dialogues (talk to yourself). Digress. Spend a lot of time listening.
47. Convert your hitpoints to binary (8 becomes 1000!)
48. Crack open your dice bag or figure box, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
49. Deliver your commands through a hand puppet. If someone asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Master can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
50. Do a "show and tell".
51. Door prizes and a raffle.
52. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other players that this is your "personal space."
53. Dress in top hat and tails.
54. Drop a marble and say, "Oh !! My glass eye!!"
55. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.
56. Eat McDonald's packets of ketchup, and tell other people that they are astronaut food.
57. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If your dungeon master asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
58. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
59. Every so often, tell him how this reminds you of a scene from a James Bond movie. Describe it in detail.
60. Every time someone tells you something, ask 'Do you want fries with that?'
61. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.
62. Fake a heart attack. When your dungeon master gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
63. Fashion show.
64. Firewalk. (or, crumple lots of paper and throw down charcoal. WHEN they ask, announce a firewalk.)
65. Flex and show off those massive pecs.
66. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
67. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Dungeon master beans." Eat them, smiling at your dungeon
master.
68. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the game.
69. Give religious tracts to each player. (Be prepared for long arguments.)
70. Go into labor (especially for men).
71. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
72. Group prayer. Pick a god(dess) by rolling dice and consulting a chart.
73. Hand out 3-D glasses.
74. Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
75. Have a seance.
76. Have a sing-a-long.
77. Have one of your cheerleaders sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as enter.
78. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
79. Imitate Groucho Marx.
80. In a rules dispute, check several copies of the rules, just to make sure they don't change in each book.
81. Insist that your party recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you.
82. Instant replay.
83. Invite the homeless.
84. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an aggressive child")
85. Just before starting, invite everyone out into the parking lot for a ritual sacrifice. (Note: Be prepared for several people to take you up on this offer, depending on the group.)
86. Keep asking if his female figures are virgins. If he gives an answer, ask how he knows. When this stops bothering him, ask about his orcs....
87. Keep asking your dungeon master if he/she is a virgin. After any answer, ask how they know......
88. Keep shouting, "Do Over!" after any loss.
89. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
90. Lead the specators in a Wave.
91. Lean over to another player and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
92. Leave a declaration of war on your dungeon master's counter. Include a list of grievances.
93. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
94. Leave the plastic strings on new shoes and walk around taking 3 inch steps.
95. Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
96. Live radio and TV coverage.
97. Look for trapdoors and hidden escape routes. Not in the game, but the real world.
98. Make paper airplanes out of the rules. Aim them at the dungeon master's left nostril.
99. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
100. Meow occassionally.
101. Mime.
102. Mosh pit.
103. Name your dice. Get upset when people confuse them. "No, THAT one is Roknar Ace of Vengance, THIS one is Fluffy."
104. Never speak to your dungeon master directly. Make all communication as if talking to the army, yours or his. If you need to ask or tell him/her something directly, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
105. Offer a toast.
106. Offer name tags to everyone entering the store. Wear yours upside-down. If someone points this out, wink at them like a conspirator.
107. Only roll one die at a time.
108. OR, Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, THEY really prefer it this way."
109. Pass out dental floss.
110. Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
111. Pass the collection basket.
112. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice. Do color in Pee Wee Herman's.
113. Perform a rousing speech to your party before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
114. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty. Explain it to your dungeon master, and to your party.
115. Place a large Bible on the table, and try to 'save' your dungeon master. Get really agitated at any demonic influences.
116. Play battle music. "Battle of New Orleans" is my personal favorite. Put it on repeat.
117. Play drinking games. Drink for each kill. Drink for each resurrection. Chug for each fumble.
118. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
119. Print out this list, leave copies lying around.
120. Puppet show.
121. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of one of the following on your side of the table, loudly proclaim that it inspires you: (a) a pop star from 10-15 years ago (b) any cereal box character (roughly rip the cover apart and frame it) (c) the British Royal Family (d) just use the picture that came with the frame. This is especially useful if the price tag is attached.
122. Quote commercials.
123. Quote someone. A lot. Get it wrong. Refuse to be corrected.
124. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly, like the logistics notes.
125. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
126. Refer frequently to people who died while playing this game.
127. Release a flock of doves.
128. Remove the label from a can of soup. Relabel it "Whup-ass." Leave it by your dice, "just in case."
129. Replace his figures with Goblin Volunteers or Candyland kids when he is not looking.
130. Reply to EVERYTHING with "That's what YOU think."
131. Rewrite the rules book. Demand everyone uses your copy.
132. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
133. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" hands.
134. Set up mosquito netting around the table.
135. Shadow puppets.
136. Shake with your left hand
137. Shave.
138. Shoot rubber bands at your dungeon master while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
139. Show other players a wound and ask if it looks infected. For extra credit, use a plastic Halloween wound...in July.
140. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the game, you should start crying for mommy).
141. Sit and stare at the game, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person across from you.
142. Smile. All the time.
143. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
144. Snap your gum
145. Speak into a walkie-talkie in trucker's terms.
146. Spontaneously combust.
147. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your dungeon master it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili. Alternately, tell him you're not sure which god....
148. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
149. Stage your own death/suicide.
150. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
151. Start a brawl in the middle of the game.
152. Start a sing-along.
153. Start each game with a national anthem. Your party's nation, not yours.
154. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your party members. Explain 'that's what Custer would do'.
155. Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
156. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
157. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another player: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
158. Tell ghost stories. ('These two kids were playing D&D in a cabin, miles from town...')
159. Tell people they have bad breath.
160. Tell people who here has the WORST breath.
161. Try to bribe monsters and NPC's over to your side.
162. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
163. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
164. Twitch a lot.
165. One word: Wrestlemania.
166. Two words: "DICE FIGHT!!!"
167. Two Words: Fuzzy Dice.
168. Two Words: Turrette's Syndrome
169. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
170. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
171. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
172. "By the power of Greyskull..."
173. "Everybody rhumba!!"
174. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
175. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
176. "Marvin Martian" accent. 'Where's the Kaboom? There's supposed to be a dragon-shattering kaboom!'
177. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
178. "OK, everybody - heads down on the tables until you show me you can behave."
179. "There will be a short quiz after my attack..."
180. Two-drink minimum.
181. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
182. Use the phrase "from Hell" as often as possible. 'wow, that's the die roll from Hell. This, this is the strategy from Hell. Dude, that's like the Archer from Hell, man.'
183. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
184. Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries: Play (or hum) it every time your turn starts. Insist on finishing it every time.
185. Walk and talk backwards.
186. Walk in with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
187. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
188. Wear a feather boa and ask everyone to call you "Snuggles".
189. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
190. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
191. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
192. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And a formal business suit.
193. Wear headphones and plug them into your belt. Every so often, say "time to change the station" and move the plug to a pocket, buttonhole, behind your watch, your nostril, etc.
194. Wear lipstick stains in odd places. (ODD! Not Suggestive!)
195. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
196. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you dungeon master and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray arrows.
197. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
198. When the store is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
199. When you return from a restroom break, complain that everything has been moved. Move them back.
200. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
201. Whenever he/she is about to move, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
202. While waiting for a turn to game, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. When they glare at you, be sure to look them right in the eyes.
203. Whine piteously, beg, cry...
204. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Occasionally shout 'C'mon, Everybody!'
205. Write a battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.

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