So there I was pondering about differences in religion across the globe when I realized that if I didnt follow someone else's religion, then I'm going to hell. Well that sucks. I decided to calculate my odds of going to hell and find the best way to avoid swimming in a lake of fire for eternity. So without further ado, here is my rundown of world religions and reasons why I'm going to hell.
Chance You'll Be Tormented For All Eternity For Screwing Up: 95%
Famous People of This Religion: Sir Isaac Newton (invented gravity), Blaise Pascal (invented PASCAL), those fat white guys with puffy red cheeks who are always yelling on network TV.
Brief Description: Christians believe in an old book called "The Bible" which can be found in the sock drawer of many motels across America. The Bible is so old that if you went out and looked for the original copy, you would probably never find it (even if you looked on Amazon.com). This book is a collection of crazy stories, fanmail sent into Jesus by people in his club, and the overall theme that Jesus was a great guy and all of us, by comparison, are pathetic jerks. Christians believe that Jesus is God's son and therefore God has a magic penis because he somehow caused a virgin woman gave birth to Jesus. This is kind of a scary thought, which is why many Christian leaders hate homosexuals and refuse to talk about God's penis, even in the Confessional Booth.
JESUS: "Do you believe in Myself and My Holy Father?"
DIRT FARMER: "Oh yes Jesus, my family and I worship You all the time!"
JESUS: "Excellent. I will now kill your family and give you the plague and make all your crops die and then you can reflect on how much you love Us."
DIRT FARMER: (Happy) "Praise Jesus!"
That was only in the Old Testament though, which is like "Bible: Episode I." The Old Testament was really cool and it featured such hits as the Book of Ezekiel, which I believe was about Martians or maybe time travel. In the New Testament, Jesus turned into a real pansy and didn't do much smiting. He just walked around and said nice things to people until a group of Roman soccer hooligans killed him. Then there's some magic ghost called "The Holy Spirit" which flies around and shoots lightning or something. So essentially, Christians believe in a three-headed beast composed of God, His son, and a ghost, which rule over everything and solve mysteries in their free time. Like any good religion, Christians tend to believe that essentially anything you do will cause you to go to hell. By default, we're all going to hell because Jesus got killed for our sins. So to make it up to Him, His Father, and the Holy Lightning Ghost Spirit, we must do a bunch of boring and repetitive crap all the time and torture ourselves out of guilt for Jesus. There are certain days when we're supposed to eat Holy crackers and Holy wine (Communion) and days when we're supposed to be miserable and think about how we'll never be able to amount to 1% of Jesus and how we're probably all going to hell (every day). If you don't dip your kid into a pool of water after he's born, he will go to hell and you probably will as well. If you have sex before marriage, you and your significant other and your kids will go to hell. If you don't cut off your body parts that cause you to sin, then you're going to hell. If you don't Anoint the Sick then you'll go to hell. I don't even know what Anointing the Sick consists of. I think you have to go out on weekends and give Advil to lepers. I'm not sure where the lepers in my city hang out. Maybe in the trailer park that has the three broken 7-Up machines in front.
Summary: Although there are three major players in this religion, there is still a very high chance that you'll be punished for all eternity. Quantity certainly does not equal quality, except I think that the more money you donate to the Christian church, the better chance you'll have at getting into Heaven. Poor people and minorities are not welcome.
Chance You'll Be Tormented For All Eternity For Screwing Up: 98%
Famous People of This Religion: Robert J. Avrech (helped Brian De Palma make crappy movies), Dr. Laura Schlessinger (woman who yells at pregnant white trash over the phone), most of the people from the smash hit Melanie Griffith movie, "A Stranger Among Us."
Brief Description: It's hard to summarize all Orthodox Judaism groups because there are about 100,000 of them and they keep growing by the minute. While they disagree with a bunch of major policies (Zionism, cooperation with non-Orthodox Jews, in what sinister ways they can rule the world and control all the money and gold and diamonds and cubic zirconium), they all agree that they should dress really funny and be very comical. I'm poking fun at Orthodox Jews because I'm fairly sure that it's against all their laws to use or even look at the Internet, so I'm relatively safe from getting hatemail from "firstname.lastname@example.org." In order to distinguish themselves from the rest of the non-Orthodox Judaism population, these religious fellows have adopted a lifestyle that many of us find to be very silly, although I'm fairly sure they don't feel the same way. This includes:
Orthodox Jews spend all day studying the Torah, observing Orthodox Jewish law (which consists of over 150,000 different rules), and brushing up on various other required reading material. When they are not studying, they are either sleeping or not talking to their wives. Their ancient Jewish Law is written in Hebrew, a language which looks like the symbols from Ultima IV only they don't shoot large fireballs (In Vas Flam). Orthodox Jews separate themselves from the rest of society by living in large groups that have their own secret stores and secret codes and secret handshakes. Another trademark of this religion is their really silly music which sounds like a cross between the polka and a Mexican Mariachi band on crank. If there is ever a major crime in the Orthodox Judaism community, they will not let outsiders come in to solve it unless they slowly but surely adopt their principles and ideals, a process which takes roughly 19 years to accomplish.
Summary: While this religion certainly has its positive points (secretly ruling the world and all its monetary reserves), it does contain some very defining negative aspects (everything else). Unless you enjoy a lot of facial hair and spending 19 hours a day in a musty library full of old books, you should probably skip this one.
Chance You'll Be Tormented For All Eternity For Screwing Up: 71%
Famous People of This Religion: Tupac Shakur (drug-using rapper who was shot to death), Mohammed Ali (badass boxer), many people who have blown themselves up with bombs to prove how much they enjoy Islam.
Brief Description: The basic belief of Islam is that there is just one important God, not multiple weird things like Christians or anybody who really liked the Three Stooges. While they share a common bond with Jews, the Muslims and Jewish people really hate each other for many vague reasons. I think the primary cause is because the Jews think The Torah is the best book in the world, whereas the Muslims think the Koran is the best book in the world. It's like those people who argue on forums about the Playstation 2 being better than the X-Box, except these people will stab each other to death just to prove their point. They feel that Jesus, who was a lot like Moses and Muhammad, was trying to encourage the Jews to adopt his policies regarding how they should act, but the Jews denounced him and screwed up big time. As a result, the Koran wisely advises all Muslims to kill non-Muslims like Jews, Christians, Mormons, plumbers, Moon People, and Big Bird. This "killing" thing really causes a rift in the whole inter-religion community thing.
Muslims also have a belief system which they feel is more based in science, not some nonsense that a traveling Son of God talked about when he was smiting people and forcing others to kill goats and smear the blood on their doors to prove how much they loved Him. For example, the Koran supports the "Big Bang" theory, as shown in this except from the Koran:
"Quran 21.3 Do not those who disbelieve see that the heavens and the earth were meshed together but We have torn them apart? And then We have made of water everything living? Would they still not believe? Also, kill the Jews."
The Koran is the "Big Book O' Rules" for the Muslims, the pure, untainted, 100% pulp-free version of the Bible as was told to Prophet Muhammad. They feel the Bible is kind of messed up and wrong in some parts, like when Paul sent Jesus some contradictory fan messages to his website, talking about "hearing sound but not seeing light," which he later changed to "not hearing sound but seeing light." This, therefore, completely invalidates the Bible and makes the Koran #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List. God apparently said some stuff to his Prophets, guys like Noah and Moses (the two people who collaborated to build the Ark), but what he told them was kind of wrong or something. Maybe God was loaded when he was chatting with them. Regardless, the only person who really knows the truth about everything was Prophet Muhammad, who was smart enough to record God's teachings on tape cassette. The cassettes are no longer available, but copy-proof CDs are available through BMG Entertainment.
Another fundamental feature of Islam is throwing rocks at people. If you break any one of their strict laws, you will be executed by having rocks thrown at you until either you die or they run out of rocks. The Shari`ah, which was not an alien race in Star Trek, recommends harsh penalties for anybody convicted of murder, personal injury, theft, kissing in public, thinking about the color pink, double-parking, or failing to jump over the flaming barrels in Donkey Kong. These punishments include public stonings, crucifixion, chopping off a hand or foot, or banishing the criminal to a post-apocalyptic desert area where they must fight radioactive mutants and raiders in dune buggies. Women are also required to wear an intricate series of holy towels and scarves so no male can differentiate them from a pile of moving rugs.
Summary: Although there is a better chance of you ending up in Heaven, there's also a better chance of you being murdered to death for really trivial crimes such as spitting in public after arguing with the umpire's call.
Based on the already ridiculous length of this article, even though there is some quality humor residing within, I am only giving brief descriptions of a few more religions.
Brief Description: There are a whole bunch of Gods and you can pretty much do whatever you want as long as you wear the right clothing. There are a lot of Hindus in India, but not quite as many in Indiana. Oh yeah, there's also that thing with the red dot on your head which makes it look like a SWAT team has you targeted in their laser scope.
Brief Description: Just chill man, and don't like freak out about anything dude. It's bad karma man, and you just need to cool out unless you want to be reincarnated as a sloth or filthy anteater. If you're a really good Buddhist, you'll reach Nirvana, which is a large atrium in Canada that houses the ghost of Raoul Julia.
Brief Description: Aliens traveled to our planet and got blown up, forcing their spirits to roam around and haunt us because their leader is trapped deep inside a volcano, and the only way we can get rid of them is by understanding this idea. The movie "Final Fantasy" was based off this concept, although the estate of L. Ron "Ronny" Hubbard has not sued Square Inc. Yet.
Based on this in depth analysis of worldwide religion, going to hell is inevitable unless you're atheist, cuz they don't believe in hell. This just isn't very motivating. I think I'll turn this around and leave everyone with a positive mental state. Everybody is going to heaven. That's right....everyone, even atheists. Atheists? Yes, atheists. I can prove it. Everyone gets to go to heaven and worship God/Allah/Jesus/Xenu/Charleton Heston. And since an atheist's hell is to be disassociated with God, his hell will be in heaven living with the big guy. I don't know about you all, but I think I'll just stay here and be the supreme allied fuhrer emperor tsar commander of Earth and rule over the lions and gerbils while they bring me grapes and tell me jokes. That's living baby.