With the popularity of the first Alternate History X, it has been decided by the staff here at BS to create a second season. This year, we won't hold any punches and will be more offensive and riduculous than ever. We are welcome to suggestions. And without further ado, proceed to Alternate History X: Season 2.
Alternate History X: Season 2
Based on recent turmoil in the Middle West between the czar of Mexico and semantic ice cream vendors who have been suicide bombing the Alamo, the czar reluctantly agreed to perform Belgian style pole dances at Disneyland. This caused stock prices in Michael Bolton Inc. to plummet before Martha Stewart could sell and she had to prostitute herself to OJ Simpson once again for crack money. Deaf World War 4 Veterans across the globe were very upset by these events and simultaneously crapped their pants, releasing millions of deadly clorophorons into the ozone layer ripping a hole the size of Rosie Odonnellís mouth and raising the average yearly temperature of Earth by 3 degrees. President Bush VI decided that the best way to get the public focus off of these events was to declare war on the Roman Empire and justified it by the supposed recent discovery by U.N. inspectors of stockpiled chemical weapons and sex toys hidden in the Popeís bubblecar garage.
While America was busy engaged in guerilla warfare deep inside the Italian countryside with adamant pizza monsters and the 4th Reich Royal Catholic Army, Peruvian nationalists seized the opportunity to inflict a naval blockade on South Dakota allowing them to raise tariffs on the export of plastic forks and 3 headed horses. The flagitious Peruvian coalition was reminiscent of the puissant rebel army that pillaged Canada in the 15th century in an attempt to obtain cheaper rates on rental bobsleds.
As the possibility of a global war drew nearer, millions of French committed a mass suicide and the remaining French surrendered to the Spice Girls during a reunion concert. The mass suicide caused the country to smell like a rotten asshole that had been festering in ancient medieval nuclear skunk bomb fallout, as opposed to the usual smell of France that is often referred to as "Grandpa's breath after eating an egg mcmuffin"
With the sudden demise of the majority of the French population, a secret clan of Bazooka Joe enthusiasts from Guam claimed the land and built a mass network of micro machine cityscapes. This caused the Dhali Lama to convert to his alter ego of Christopher Reeves and begin hunting down Elvis impersonaters with fetus grenades while disguised as Paula Abdul. Because of the liberal biased news infrastructure in California whining about the the abhorrent misuse of fetuses, all newscasts were focused on the tragedy and preempted many late night reruns of Star Trek, causing Trek fans across the state to become disgruntled and loot grocery stores. The situation snowballed into a mass calamity when the Trekkies ran into the Star Wars fans who were stocking up on peanut m&ms in preparation for the newest Star Wars movie. Deep hatred between the two groups who had been fighting for the official title of "loser of the millenium" caused a sudden nerd war to ensue with battles ranging from knife fights to dungeons and dragons matches. California's governor Bubba Bush couldn't decide how to handle the situation, so he called up his brother Earl Bush, the governor of Kansas. Neither of them could decide how to handle the problem, so they went to the High Council of Bush, a faction of the Bush Political Party. It was decided that the country would have to declare war on some inatimate object like terrorism, poverty, or homelessness again to ease the turmoil.