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DERF

WARS


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Introduction:

About 12 years ago…

In a theatre class, not so far away…

DERF

WARS

It is around 1990, and Derf Essayassigner has just graduated from college, with a major in Theatre Education.

However, all is not well in the galaxy. Derf’s theatre professor has recently been murdered by an unknown assailant. This has left him alone in the world, and he has yet to know his unknown power that he does not know about yet.

Obi Aus Dennobi, the Great Theatre-Jedi-Guy, has also recently been murdered. It is up to the ghost-spirit-thingy of Obi Aus Dennobi, and the "parking attendant"-turned-"Jedi Master", Yoda, to train Derf to his full potential, so he can battle the evil Darth Cox, and save the galaxy from certain doom.



The following skit and remainder of this introduction contains major amounts of inside jokes, allusions, and ridiculous ridiculousness, and accordingly should not be viewed by anyone.



…The producers of this skit are extremely evil.



…A moose bit my sister once. No really, it was really quite disgusting.



…The producers of this skit would like you to know the writers of this introduction have been sacked.






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DERF

WARS

Derf Essayassigner - Pete

Obi-Aus-Dennobi - Austin

Darth Cox - Hoa Wei

Yoda - Hao Wei

SCENE 1 - -A College -1990

Derf: Radical! I just graduated from college! Now I am a certified theatre teacher! If only this day were not tainted by absence of my beloved theatre professor. I swear I shall avenge your murder!

-A CLOAKED FIGURE APPEARS-

Obi: Derf… Derf… you must go to the Pearce-oh-bah system…

Derf: Holy moly! Where did you come from?

Obi: You are not just a teacher. You have the Force, Derf.

Derf: The Force?! I am just a Packers fan! What’re you talkin’ ‘bout?

Obi: Yes, the Force, Luke- I mean Derf! There you will find Yoda… the parking attendant- I mean Jedi, who trained me.

END

SCENE 2 - -Pearce

Derf: Hmm… this doesn’t look like the training ground for Jedi.

Yoda: Be looking for a Jedi you are?

Derf: Oh-my-god! A small shriveled man!

Yoda: No small-shriveled man be I! Look this good when you reach 37, you will not!

Derf: Right… anyway, I am looking for a great… theatre… Jedi… guy, and I don’t need you hanging around.

Yoda: Too much anger… he cannot be trained.

Obi: Was I any different, when you first trained me?

Yoda: That was different! You were my dope dealer! You gave me a discount for god’s sake! You don’t happen to have any dope… do you?

Derf: I have some empty beer bottles in my closet…

Yoda: Ach! No good are you! (SIGH) Fine… trained you will be. All I have been doing lately is master-… On with your training!

Derf: …Wait, you did dope? That’s horrible!

Yoda: Of course! You didn’t think someone could think up all this Force stuff sober, did you?!

END



SCENE 3 - -Training

-YODA WATCHES AS DERF PRACTICES WITH HIS ESSAY-BER-

Yoda: Good… you will soon be ready to confront your nemesis.

Derf: Nemesis? I didn’t know I had a nemesis…?

Yoda: Of course! Did you think you would become a Jedi and not have a nemesis?

Derf: Well, I mean, I didn’t know you had one assigned to you… I thought you sorta made one out of an enemy… but I don’t have any enemies!

Yoda: Don’t argue! Otherwise we won’t have a plot. Now shut up and make me some cheesecake! Oh and by the way, he killed your theatre professor.

-DRAMATIC PAUSE-

Derf: (Surprised and hurt) All right… so… who’s my nemesis?

Yoda: Your nemesis be… Darth Cox.(!)

–DRAMATIC PAUSE-

Yoda: …Tomorrow at five. Now don’t be late because I had to reschedule your duel twice already and Cox is getting mighty peeved.

END

SCENE 4 - -Fight

-DARK- STAGE LEFT DARTH COX STAND IN SHADOWS-STAGE RIGHT DERF ENTERS-

-DERF ENTERS, PAUSES, AND IGNITES HIS ESSAY-BER-

Derf: You…

-DRAMATIC PAUSE, DARTH COX IGNITES HIS SABER-

Cox: Me…

-THEY FIGHT, AFTER DECENTLY LONG DUEL, COX CUTS OFF DERF’S HAND AND PINS HIM-

Cox: Derf, join me and together we can rule the theatre class!

Derf: No, I’ll never join you!

-SHORT PAUSE-

Cox: Yoda never told you what happened to your theatre professor.

Derf: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Cox: No, Derf, I am your theatre professor!

Derf: No… that’s not true… that’s impossible!

Cox: Search your feelings Derf, you know it to be true!

Derf: No…. NO!

Cox: (Starts Laughing) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

-DERF PICKS UP HIS SABER AND COMES BEHIND HIM-

-SHORT PAUSE WHILE DERF RAISES EYEBROW AND LOOKS AT FROM DARTH TO AUDIENCE, SHRUGS-

-DERF STABS DARTH-

Cox: Ah!

END

SCENE 5 - -Death of Cox

Cox: I’m dying… Derfus…

Derf: Well, duh, I just stabbed you with my Essay-ber.

-COX SLAPS DERF ACROSS THE FACE-

Derf: Ow! I thought you were weak!

Cox: Never underestimate the power of the Force…. Of my hand. Derfus, you need to bury me with my beloved, thousand-dollar white sheet! Also… take off this mask… and let me see you once… with my own eyes…

-DERF TAKES OFF HIS MASK-

Derf: God, you’re hideous!

-DERF PUTS A BAG OVER HIS HEAD-

Cox: No, I’m beautiful!

-DERF EXITS-

Cox: No… but… I’m dying…

END


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DERF

WARS

Credits



Directed By Howie & Pete

Producer Howie

Screenplay, Intro, Credits, Quiz Pete

Props Howie & Pete

Music Howie

Enchanted Moose Himself

Mr. Not-Appearing-in-this-Skit Himself

Ms. Not-Appearing-in-this-Skit Howie





We would just like to say that all drug/alcohol references are purely humorous. Also, we would like to add that the Enchanted Moose is not an allusion to Joe Camel (They look alike).



All proceeds of this skit were donated to the "Sedatives for Pham Foundation". Stick in there fellas!



The producers of this skit are not extremely evil.



Don’t do drugs, don’t drink, stick in school, and all that good stuff.