Chapter Seven
1982
For the passed three years, Simone had been trying to talk me into moving back to New York. I kept putting it off, but when I realized my career and love life were going nowhere, and I was offered a position with another department store, I finally gave in. I didn’t get as nice of a place as Simone lived in, but it was a pleasant apartment in a brand new complex and only fifteen minutes away.
In 1980, Carol had gotten a job offer in Florida and was now living there with her boyfriend that she met soon after moving. When I had talked to her on the phone last, I asked her if she was hearing wedding bells.
“Not yet,” she laughed. “But maybe soon.”
A few days later, I met Bobby. He was a delivery boy for a company that the store ordered a lot of materials from. Every time he came in the office, he flirted with me, and finally one day, he asked me out. That was when I discovered that he was in a rock band. He took me to a club to see another band play, and mentioned that he played guitar as well.
Afterward, he took me back to his place. I figured it would be a one-night thing, and I’d never see him again. But he proved he was an exception to the male species and actually called me the next day.
When he asked me what I wanted to do that weekend, I told him I would just enjoy hanging out, listening to him play guitar. He seemed excited and surprised to hear me say that.
“What would you like to hear first?” asked Bobby as he pulled the guitar strap over his head.
“Anything,” I said.
Bobby thought for a moment and then began to play. I recognized the song from the first few chords. It was “Shock Me” by Kiss, a favorite Ace tune of mine. I began to quietly sing along, and when he was finished, Bobby smiled.
“You like Kiss?” he asked.
“Very much,” I said.
“Ever seen them in concert?”
“Many times. I’ve met them too. Nice guys.”
“Wow!” exclaimed Bobby. “You’re lucky!”
I decided it was best not to go into detail about my relationship with the band. It was too soon to tell him all about my past, and frankly it was none of his business.
Within a month, Bobby and I had become an item. I did, however, continue to see Paul whenever he was in town. Being with Bobby in no way was discarding me from being with Paul. Although now it was pretty much just sex, I needed that Paul Stanley fix. I craved it. I lived for it.
A few months later, just before Kiss was about to perform in Brazil, I saw Paul once more. But this time I was feeling different. Something had taken away that craving I’d had for five years. That something was Bobby.
Paul told me he was only in town for a couple of days, but would stop by to see me. I didn’t want to be rude and tell him no. We were still friends, after all. But I knew what was on his mind.
He kissed me as soon as he walked in the door.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“Pretty good,” I answered.
I gestured toward the table where I had dinner prepared for us. We ate and talked for a while until I had to go to the restroom. When I came back, Paul was gone from the table.
“Paul?” I called.
“In here.”
I followed his voice to the bedroom. As soon as I looked in, my jaw dropped, and I felt myself blush. Paul was lying in the middle of my bed holding a long stemmed rose. He was completely naked.
“Damn,” I mouthed.
Paul just stared at me, waiting for me to make a move. The aching and craving all came back as I began to undress in front of him. Then I crawled onto the bed slowly, like a cat. When I got right up to his face as though I was about to kiss him, I stopped and glared at him. Then I ran my fingers down his chest, stopping right above his waist and running them back up.
“Are you teasing me?” asked Paul.
“No,” I said.
“I think you are,” he countered.
“What do you want me to do?”
Paul looked down at my hand and back at me. Then he put his hand on mine and guided it down his body. I could feel myself quivering with excitement and pleasure as we began to move as one.
Making love to Paul had become a drug. I was addicted, and there was no way I could stop. And when it was over, I lie on the bed feeling very confused. I was like a teenager who had gotten drunk for the first time. I knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. Then I felt like throwing up.
As Paul rolled over to put his arm around me, I tensed up and I suddenly felt cold.
“Is something wrong?” asked Paul.
I shook my head and gave a half smile. But when Paul began to pulled me closer, I wouldn’t move.
“Natalie, what’s wrong?”
I quickly rose from the bed, grabbed my robe from the chair and wrapped it around me. When I turned around again to look at Paul, he was glaring at me with narrow eyes.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said, sternly.
“Can’t do what?”
I hesitated and said, “I can’t be your fuck buddy anymore.”
“Natalie, we’re…”
“We’re friends, Paul. That’s all we’ve ever been, that’s all we’re ever going to be. I can’t keep playing this game.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked.
“It means I’m through,” I answered. “Through with this little charade. I don’t want you calling me every time you’re in town just to get a piece of ass. You can get it somewhere else.”
“You just decided this?”
“No,” I said. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”
“But you decided to fuck me once more?” asked Paul.
I didn’t say anything. I just gave him the biggest go-to-hell look I possibly could.
“Fine.” Paul stood up and got dressed quickly, and then I saw him to the door.
Before he stepped out, he said, “I really wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
“Well, it does,” I said, standing my ground.
Paul shook his head in disbelief, and I think he whispered goodbye.
When I shut the door, I hook a few deep but shaky breaths to keep from crying. I just kept thinking about Bobby and how well things were going between us.
It’s for the best, I thought.
I realized many mistakes I had made when I came home one day, the first being that I had given Bobby a key. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I walked into the bedroom to undress and found him sitting on the edge of my bed. His face was buried in a photo album.
“Hi honey,” I said as I stepped out of my shoes.
Bobby muttered something but didn’t look at me. As I walked closer to him, I noticed what album he was enthralled in. It was my personal photographs of Kiss, most of them of Paul or Paul and me. I felt a twinge and a cold chill flow through my body. That album had not just been sitting out. I kept it in the bottom of my dresser, so Bobby could have only found it if he had been going through my things. This disturbed me, but I tried to play it cool.
“Watcha doin’?” I asked in a cute, flirty tone.
Instead of answering my question, Bobby asked, “Why didn’t you ever tell me you’re best buddies with Paul Stanley?”
“I – well, I’m not really,” I said, stumbling over my words.
“Could’ve fooled me,” Bobby said, holding up a picture of me with my arms around Paul, kissing him on the cheek.
I laughed nervously. “I was just acting silly that night. We’re just friends.”
“How come you never told me that?”
“I did.”
“No you didn’t,” said Bobby. “You said you had met them.”
“What difference does it make?” I asked.
“It makes a big difference.” Bobby hesitated for a moment. “This whole time I never knew I had a chance at meeting Kiss.”
“Bobby…” I started. Then I stopped when it hit me. “Is that all you care about?”
“No,” he said. “But this could be my big chance at making it. You know how bad I want to.”
“Uh huh.” I turned to the closet and began changing.
“When will you see them again?”
“Probably never,” I said.
“Never? Not even Paul?”
“Nope.” I pulled a T-shirt over my head and turned around.
“But I thought you said you were friends,” said Bobby.
“Not anymore. We had a fight.”
“Dammit, Natalie. How could you do that?”
I glared at him. “How could I do what?”
“Start a fight with him? You may have ruined it for me.”
I felt my face get hot. I was so mad I could have punched him in the face.
“When was the last time you saw him?” Bobby asked.
“A couple months ago.”
“You mean you’ve seen him since we’ve been dating? Why didn’t you introduce me?”
“I didn’t think it was that important. Besides, I only saw him for a little while. We had an argument and he left.”
“He was here?” I saw Bobby’s face turn red with anger. “What was he doing here, Natalie?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean,” he said. “Did you fuck him?”
“What?” I screamed. “How dare you…”
“Answer the question, Natalie. Have you been fucking Paul Stanley?”
Without skipping a beat, and at the same time avoiding the question, I yelled, “Hey, don’t turn the tables around on me! You’re the one who was using me to get famous.”
Bobby stood up from the bed and looked me right in the eyes.
“You used me too,” he said.
“Me? What the hell did I use you for?”
“Sex.”
I laughed. “I don’t need to use you for sex, Bobby. I can get it elsewhere. You just said so yourself.”
Bobby didn’t say or ask me anything else. He had all the answers he needed. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the key.
“Here,” he said, practically tossing it at me. “Have a nice life fucking rock stars.”
And just like that, he was gone.
1983
I had just finished watching a segment on Kiss on MTV when Simone called.
“So what do you think?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I guess it’s time for a change.”
“Well, I’m excited,” said Simone. “Taking off the make-up is a big step, but I think it will do them some good.”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t Paul and Gene look hot in the new video?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah? Is that all you can say?” Simone was talking a mile a minute, but I just didn’t feel much like having this conversation.
“You miss him, don’t you?” she asked me.
I sighed. “Yeah.”
Simone laughed. “Go out with me tonight. We’ll make it a girl’s night out.”
“I don’t know. I got a lot of shit to do.”
“Oh come on! It’s Saturday night! Let’s have some fun.”
Simone and I decided to go to the movies and to the pizza parlor, just like old times. We went to the new cinema to see Silkwood with Meryl Streep and Cher. Then we decided to walk to Giavani’s Pizza, which was just down the street.
After walking about a block or so, we noticed a crowd gathered at the record store.
“I wonder what’s going on over there,” I said. Simone shrugged. “Let’s go find out.”
When we got up to the crowd, I stood back and let Simone try to get through and see what the commotion was about. When she returned, she had a big grin on her face.
“You won’t believe who’s in there,” she giggled.
“Who?”
“Paul and Vinnie,” she said.
“Oh my God, you’re kidding!”
“Nope. Go look.”
I walked around the huge line that was practically out in the street to get a glimpse through the window. I had to hop up and down to see over the other heads. Sure enough, I saw Vinnie Vincent, Kiss’ new guitarist, and Paul signing autographs.
“I can’t believe we didn’t hear about this,” I told Simone.
“Nobody knew,” said the boy at the end of the line. “They just showed up and everyone recognized them.”
“Wow,” exclaimed Simone.
“Well, should we wait in line?” I asked.
“Hell no!” said Simone.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd to the front of the line. Just then a rather obese man stopped us and told us to go to the back of the line.
“We’re friends of Paul’s,” Simone told him.
“I don’t care if you’re his damn mother, you need to go to the end of the line and wait with everyone else,” he said.
“What an asshole,” she muttered as we turned around.
We waited for almost half an hour before we were finally at the front of the line. That was when Paul looked up and noticed us.
“Hey,” he said. “You didn’t have to wait in line.”
Simone glared at the fat man. “Well, he wouldn’t let us in.”
Paul laughed.
“Anyway, we’re not here to get autographs, we just wanted to say hello,” said Simone.
“I’m glad you did,” Paul said as he hugged her. Then he looked at me.
“Natalie,” he said, acknowledging my presence. Then he hugged me as well, but it felt forced. “You girls haven’t met Vinnie yet, have you?”
I shook my head and Simone said, “No.”
“Vinnie, these girls are old friends of mine. This is Simone and Natalie.”
“Old?” Simone laughed.
“Nice to meet you,” I told Vinnie as we shook hands and then Simone did the same.
“So you took of the make-up, huh?” Simone asked.
Before Paul could respond, the fat man cleared his throat. I looked at him with his arms crossed over his chest, and knew he was someone not to mess with.
“Sorry,” said Paul. “They told us not to make this too long.”
We said our goodbyes and made our way to Giavani’s. Simone rambled on about how good Paul looked and how she wished we could have talked to him more. I didn’t say a word until we sat down.
“What’s with you?” Simone asked as she bit into a slice of pizza.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Weren’t you glad to see Paul again, even if it was just for a minute? You said you missed him.”
“I don’t know.” I took a sip of cola and wiped my mouth with a napkin.
“Natalie, come on. This is Paul Stanley we’re talking about. The man you’ve been in love with since 1973.”
I stared at her. “Don’t say that.”
“Well, it’s true.”
“Not anymore,” I said.
“Why not?” asked Simone.
I sighed. “Let’s just say he didn’t leave on good terms the last time I saw him.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I was seeing Bobby. I didn’t want to blow it out of proportion.”
“So what exactly happened?” Simone put down her slice of pizza and looked at me with such intensity that I had to tell her the truth.
“Paul came over one day,” I started. “I didn’t want to sleep with him, but I’m just so week and defenseless when it comes to him.”
Then I told her about how I found him nude on my bed and how I felt after we had sex.
“Jesus Christ!” exclaimed Simone. “And you just let him leave?”
“I had to,” I said. “I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.”
“A lot of good that did.”
“I know.” I looked down at my half-eaten pizza.
“So anyway, today he just seemed so distant and cold,” I said. “And I don’t blame him.”
“Well, he did introduce you to Vinnie as his friend,” said Simone. “So that says something.”
“I guess,” I shrugged.
Simone didn’t have much to worry about. She had boyfriends left and right and continued to see Gene whenever she got the chance. A couple years ago, she had even gotten a proposal from a guy she had only dated for a month. She told him she didn’t want to be tied down.
I tried so hard to be like Simone, but the truth was, I just wanted someone to love me.
Oh stop feeling sorry for yourself, Natalie, I thought.
Sometimes I figured it was best to be like Simone. She never got hurt because she never let herself fall. When I asked her if she had ever been in love, she told me she had once.
“And I’ll never let it happen again,” she had said.
“Never?” I asked.
“Well, maybe not never. But only when I know he feels that way about me first.”
I liked her way of thinking.
“Sex isn’t love,” she had told me. “But it sure is nice!”
I had to keep reminding myself that.
When Simone dropped me off at my apartment, I told her I’d call her the next day. Then I hugged her and stepped out of the car. As I made my way up the stairs, I felt a knot in my stomach. When I shut the door behind me, I walked to the stereo and put on the previous Kiss album, Creatures of the Night, on side two.
Big mistake.
Halfway through Paul’s ballad, “I Still Love You,” I lost it. I fell on the couch and began to weep like a child.
I see it in your eyes
You never have to lie
I’m out of your life…
Paul’s words lingered in my head until I couldn’t take it any longer. I got up and turned off the record player. Then I shut off all the lights, went to my bedroom, and cried myself to sleep.