Chapter Four
1975
Kiss was huge. With the release of their double live album appropriately titled Alive!, the guys had finally reached stardom. I hardly saw Paul anymore. He would occasionally call me from the road, and a couple of times Simone and I flew out to Chicago and Detroit to see them. I was really happy for my good friend, but I missed him terribly.
When Paul finally did make his way back to New York, I only saw him briefly before he and the rest of the guys went back to the studio to record their next album.
Paul could no longer hang out with me like he used to. If any member of Kiss was out in public, he was usually in full costume and makeup. They had decided not to ever pose for any pictures without them. And of course everywhere they went, cameras followed. It disturbed and aggravated me somewhat, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was part of show business.
That Christmas, the guys finally got a break for a few days. I had been contemplating what to get Paul for months. We had always just gotten each other simple gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but this year I wanted to do something special for him. I decided to reserve a room just for us at his favorite restaurant. I ordered the best wine, and had them place the table next to the window and the tree in the corner. It was beautiful.
I had gone shopping and bought a long dress made of black velvet. The neckline was low, and the double straps were satin. I felt like a million bucks in it, and that’s almost what I paid for it. I wore matching stilettos and a simple gold chain with a tiny cross dangling from it. I put my hair up in a loose bun with tiny tendrils framing my face. Lastly, I borrowed the small yet gorgeous diamond earrings from Simone, which I had admired for years. Simone told me I was nuts.
“I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself in this situation,” she said as she watched me putting on my makeup.
“What situation?” I asked.
“Heartbreak.”
I stopped putting on my eyeliner and stared at her through the mirror.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh come on, Natalie. You know damn well what’s going on.”
“No, please enlighten me,” I said.
“You’re getting yourself all dolled up for Paul, but you claim you’re just friends.”
“We are just friends.”
“Uh huh.”
I turned around and looked at her.
“We are, Simone.”
“Well, one look at you in that dress, and Paul isn’t gonna be thinking friendship.”
“I’m not going to bed with him, if that’s what you’re implying,” I said. “It’s Christmas, it’s a special occasion. I just wanted to look nice.”
“Nice? Nat, look at yourself.”
She turned me around to face the mirror again. I did like what I saw. I smiled at my reflection.
“See? You’re absolutely glowing,” exclaimed Simone. “Now, don’t tell me you’re not having any thoughts about Paul besides ‘just friends’.” She made quoting gestures with her fingers and raised her eyebrows at me in a questioning manner.
I looked down at the sink and didn’t say anything. Then Simone said something that caught me off guard.
“You love him, don’t you?”
“No, no I don’t,” I said quickly…too quickly. I was defensive.
“Yes, you do.”
I shook my head.
“He’s a heartbreaker, Natalie.”
“Oh, you’re one to talk, Ms. Simone Simmons!”
Simone laughed.
“It’s different with Gene and me,” she said. “I know how not to get my emotions involved. It’s just sex.”
“Are you saying I should have sex with Paul?” I asked.
“Wouldn’t hurt.”
I thought for a minute. “Yes it would,” I whispered.
“That’s because you love him.”
“Wha- how do you know this?” I asked.
“Because I know you, Natalie. You can’t have just a sexual relationship with a guy. You fall too fast. And you know that if you sleep with him, you’ll want more than he’s willing to give you.”
“Oh, you’re just so sure about everything, aren’t you?” I turned back to the mirror and finished lining my eyes and applying my lipstick.
“When it comes to you and Paul, I think I am.”
I dropped my lipstick tube in my purse and stormed out of the bathroom.
“I just don’t want to see you get your heart broken, Nat,” Simone said, following me into the living room.
“Well, I really appreciate your concern,” I said sarcastically, “but I think I can take care of myself.”
“Fine,” Simone said, throwing up her arms in surrender.
“Fine.”
“May I take your coat?” asked the Maitre D.
“Yes, thank you,” I said.
The room was breathtaking. Paul held my chair out for me, and I sat down. Then the waiter brought our wine. Paul was impressed.
“Wow,” he said. “That word pretty much sums up this night so far.”
“Well, I knew you liked this restaurant and this wine.”
“It’s not only that,” Paul looked at me. “You look absolutely gorgeous.”
“Thank you,” I smiled. I could feel myself blushing.
We had a wonderful dinner. If I hadn’t been so nervous I may have eaten more than I did. When the waiter took our plates, Paul asked me to dance. I’m not much of a dancer, but this was really nice. And I did not have to worry about other people watching me; we were alone.
“I’ve missed you,” said Paul.
“I’ve missed you too.” I laid my head on his shoulder while we danced slowly. Maybe it wasn’t the smart thing to do, but I didn’t care. That night was just magical.
When we returned to our table, I said, “I have a little something else for you.”
“I have a little something for you too,” said Paul. He pulled out a small box from his jacket, and I pulled one out of my purse.
“You first,” I said handing it to him.
When he opened it, I saw his mouth form into a smile that matched exactly what was in the box. He held it up. It was a silver chain with a pendant that read “SEXY”. He looked at me.
“You think I’m sexy?”
“Well, of course!”
Paul stared at me for a moment.
“Now, don’t go getting any ideas,” I said. “I’m only agreeing with millions of other women.”
He laughed and put on the necklace.
“I just saw it and thought of you.”
“Thank you,” said Paul as he reached over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“You’re welcome.”
“Your turn.”
When I opened the small box Paul planted in front of me, I gasped. Sitting there in a bed of cotton were two diamond earrings.
“Oh my God,” I shrieked, putting my hand over my mouth. “How did you know?”
“You don’t remember?” asked Paul.
“Remember what?”
“That night you and Simone had that party. You and I stayed up all night just talking. We were talking about being jealous of people and you said the only thing you were jealous about was the fact that Simone had a pair of diamond earrings. You said you always wanted a pair.”
A tear fell off my chin before I could catch it.
“I can’t believe you remembered,” I sniffled. “Thank you so much. This has got to be the greatest thing anyone has ever given me.”
“Well, I should hope so. They were expensive enough.”
I laughed. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. I hugged Paul, but before I let go, I gave him a kiss on the lips.
“I’m glad you like them,” he smiled.
I took out Simone’s earrings and put them in my purse. Then I replaced them with Paul’s. Now I felt like even more than a million bucks.
I held up my glass of wine for a toast.
“Merry Christmas,” I said.
“Merry Christmas, Natalie.”
1976
1976 was a very strange year for me. In February I met a guy at a club named Blaine. I proved Simone’s point and fell for him too fast. He was tall with long blond hair, big blue eyes, and a smile to die for. I wanted him the moment I noticed him from across the room. He bought me drinks all night, I think mostly to get me to go home with him. I didn’t however; I still stood my ground about that. But we did go out the next weekend, and pretty soon we were hot and heavy.
In May I had a pregnancy scare. Blaine told me he would pay for an abortion. For two days straight I was completely depressed and miserable. I’m not sure if it was because I was pregnant and wasn’t ready, if it was because I wasn’t sure if I wanted the abortion and actually considered keeping the baby, or if I was upset because I had the idea that Blaine would leave me if I didn’t have the abortion.
It turned out I wasn’t pregnant, but a week later, Blaine dumped me anyway.
I didn’t see Paul for a long time. Kiss released two big-selling albums that year, and when they weren’t in the studio, they were on tour. I missed Paul terribly though, and thought about him everyday. Of course, it was kind of hard not to. Everywhere you turned, there was something to do with Kiss.
I was sitting in the office kitchen during my lunch break, reading an interview with Paul in a rock magazine, when my boss, Bernice came in and told me we were about to have an emergency mandatory meeting.
After we all sat down, she announced, “We are downsizing.”
I could hear everyone gasp.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “None of you are going to be out of a job.”
We all let out a deep breath.
“We lay off people according to seniority,” Bernice continued. “The people that have been with this company the shortest amount of time are from the Houston office. However, with those people gone, we still need a couple more people to leave here and take their places in Houston.”
She looked at me. “I have elected Natalie and Carol.”
My heart sank. Although my mother was in Houston, and I had pretty much grown up there, I had made my home in New York. I had a lot of friends and wasn’t ready to leave them. And on top of that, I came to New York to get away from Texas – especially Houston. There was no way I was going back.
But what was I going to say? I had been working for this department store for two years. If I were to stay longer, I could work my way up, and eventually maybe even be president. That thought certainly appealed to me. And with Carol going too, I would at least have one friend around.
Carol, however, was not happy with this decision and spoke her mind.
“No way,” she said. “You can’t just decide this without asking me first. I’ve lived in New York my whole life. My family and friends are all here. I’m not leaving.”
“Frankly, Carol,” said Bernice, “the only choice you have in this matter is to say hello to Houston, or say goodbye to your job.”
Carol’s eyed got wide, and then she crossed her arms and pouted like a child. I couldn’t blame her. I had never seen Bernice act this way before. What a bitch she was being. Maybe she didn’t like what was going on with the company and was taking it out on us. I told Carol that after the meeting.
“You always like to give people the benefit of the doubt, don’t you?” she asked.
“I never thought about it before,” I said, “but I guess I do.”
“I don’t like this one bit,” exclaimed Carol.
I shrugged. “Neither do I, but what can we do?”
“Quit.”
“I can’t quit,” I said. “I can’t afford to be out of a job for too long.”
“Well, if you aren’t quitting, I won’t either,” said Carol.
“At least we’ll still be working together.”
Carol gave a half smile and put her arm around me.
“So tell me about these cowboys they have in Texas.”
Simone had a going away party for Carol and me. That morning I woke up vomiting and told Simone just to cancel it.
"Not on your life," she said. "It's just nerves. You'll feel better after tonight."
I did start feeling better around five o’clock, and took a long hot bath. Then I put on my favorite jeans and a black tank top and pulled my hair back in a ponytail.
"That's what you're wearing?" asked Simone when I walked into the kitchen.
"Yeah," I said. "What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing," she shrugged and turned back to what she was cooking on the stove.
"You think I should wear a skirt?"
"No, no, that's fine," said Simone. "It's just friends anyway. But..."
"But what?" I asked.
"I would wear your hair down, if I were you. It looks prettier that way."
"Oh. Okay."
I went back to the bathroom and took out the ponytail. Looking in the mirror, I realized Simone was right. But what difference did it make? It was just going to be the same friends we hung out with every weekend.
Carol arrived at seven o’clock and ate dinner with us. Then we all had a good cry.
The rest of the bunch started arriving at eight. Everyone hugged Carol and me and wished us well, all the while trying to hold back the tears.
About an hour later, there was a knock at the door, which surprised me since practically everyone I knew was already in the room.
"Natalie, will you get that?" asked Simone. She was closer to the door than I was, so I gave her a strange look.
"Please? I don't feel like getting up."
"Lazy bitch," I laughed.
"Uh huh," she grinned and sipped on her beer. When I opened the door, my jaw dropped. There stood Paul, Gene, Peter, and Ace.
"Oh my God!" I cried.
"Hey sweetheart," said Paul, as he gave me a hug.
"I had no idea you were coming."
"Yeah, it was a secret. Simone told us."
I heard a giggle behind me and Paul winked.
I said hello to the rest of the guys and they all hugged me too. I could already feel the tears forming and I knew by the end of the night that I would be losing it.
Halfway through the evening I realized that Paul wasn’t talking to me that much. At first I wasn’t sure if it was because I was leaving and he was upset about it. But then a thought popped into my head - a thought that had been popping into my head a lot lately.
Does he have a girlfriend?
The fact that I hadn’t seen Paul since Christmas was not very odd, considering who he was. But because we had been such close friends, I did find it odd and unsettling that he hadn’t called me in a while. I had contacted him on his birthday in January, and the last time he called me was on Valentine’s Day, right before I met Blaine. So he knew nothing about that whole episode, unless Simone told him.
That must be it, I thought. He’s been seeing someone.
The thought really upset me. So much that my stomach hurt. But I did not dare tell anyone. I had been so stuck on Paul and I just being friends, that I didn’t want people to say “I told you so.”
“Paul is looking really good isn’t he?” Simone asked me when we were in the kitchen.
I glanced over in the living room and saw Paul talking to Scott and Vivi.
“Simone,” I said sternly.
“What?” she asked.
“Don’t start.”
“Don’t start what?” she giggled.
I decided to try to find out the truth, by being a bit sneaky.
“Why didn’t Paul bring his girlfriend?” I asked Simone.
“Paul’s got a girlfriend?”
“I don’t know, does he?” I took a tortilla chip and dipped it into the guacamole.
“Well, you just said – oh I get it,” she smirked.
“Get what?” I asked.
“Nevermind,” said Simone. “Want me to ask him?”
I paused and thought for a moment. Then I shook my head.
“No, that’s too juvenile. I’ll ask him myself.”
I grabbed my beer and walked nonchalantly over to Paul.
“So tell me how things have been with you,” I said.
“They’ve been…interesting,” he smiled.
I gave a small chuckle.
“Have you been seeing anyone?” Hell, it was best to come right out and ask, right?
Paul seemed to hesitate a bit and then said, “Actually I have.”
I felt my heart fall to my knees. I didn’t know what to say next. Paul was gracious enough not to go into detail.
“What about you?” he asked.
“Well, I was seeing someone, but it didn’t work out.” I didn’t go into detail either.
Paul nodded.
“Are you glad to be going back to Texas?” he asked, changing the subject.
“Not really,” I said. “I’m going to miss everyone. I’m going to miss you.”
“Oh, well you’ll see me,” said Paul. “I’m sure I’ll be coming to Houston before you know it.”
That was pretty much the gist of my conversation with Paul. I had always heard about friends (especially different genders) drifting apart when one or both of them starts dating someone else. But I never thought it would happen to us. And now that I had been having these feelings – these different feelings about Paul, it hurt worse.
At the end of the evening, Paul, along with the rest of the guys, gave Carol and me hugs and kisses and wished us the best. Paul promised to keep in touch, and would get my number from Simone once I got settled. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever hear from him again.
After many kisses, hugs, goodbyes, and tears, Carol and I finally got on the plane. I could see Simone waving from the gate as we moved to the runway. I said a silent goodbye, not only to my best friend, but to New York.
As soon as we left the ground and were in the clouds, Carol began to cry uncontrollably. I had never seen her like this. I patted her hand.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I said. “Houston’s not so bad. And I’m sure you’ll be coming to visit a lot since your family is here.”
“It’s not that,” she whimpered.
“Well, what is it?”
“Peter,” she whispered so softly that I barely understood her.
“Peter? Peter Criss? What did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything,” said Carol, blowing her nose.
I looked at her, confused.
“I haven’t told anyone this,” she continued. “But I’m in love with him.”
“Oh my God, Carol! I had no idea!”
“I know,” she said. “I’ve kept it inside. I mean, what can I do? He’s married.”
I let out a deep breath and held her hand.
“Does he know?” I asked.
“Oh Lord, no. At least I don’t think so. If he does, he hasn’t shown it.”
“I really don’t know what to say.”
“Well, there’s nothing to say now,” Carol turned and looked out the window. “We’ll always be just friends, nothing more. Like you and Paul.”
Like me and Paul.
Damn him. Why did he have to be so…so Paul? Damn me, for being so fucking stubborn. I sat and wondered what it would have been like if I had done things differently. Would I be on this plane now? Would we even be friends anymore? Were we still friends, or was he going to forget about me?
Simone had been right when she called him a heartbreaker.
I opened a book and began to read to take my mind off of him. But it was no use. They were just words on a page, which began to blur when I thought of Paul. I put the book back into my bag and closed my eyes. Paul’s voice played in the back of my head as I began to drift off…
You really like my limousine
You like the way the wheels roll
You like my seven inch leather heels…