Even More Random Thoughts

There are more important things in life than money -- but they won't go out with you if you're broke.


Marriage is like tobacco -- its popularity is all out of proportion to its benefits.


My wife had a sex change... Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of Tuesdays and Fridays.


If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek - Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.


Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it ... that's everything!


My son asked if I smoked while I was pregnant with him, and I said only when I was drinking.


Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.


I've learned -- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.


I've learned -- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.


It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.


The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.


A woman's favorite position is CEO


I thought I wanted a career -- turns out I just wanted paychecks.


An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.


Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.


Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?


I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.


I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.


The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.


My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.


People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.


In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.


Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.


The other line always moves faster until you get in it.


The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.


All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.


Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?


Ignorance is Bliss! Why aren't you happy?


The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.


Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.


If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.


If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.


Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.


Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?