Gay man marries self
Said to have made mistake when scratching off the section on the form where it said "bride" and "groom"

Ralph Nader promises to build more "environmentally-safe" Army
PLA looking into how best to defeat solar-powered tanks

First human cloned
It turns out that every ten years another Dick Clark was cloned for American Bandstand

Mars probe carjacked
Opportunity jumped by little green men and the aliens immediately began converting it to a "low rider"

Wherethehellisitstan declares independence
United States endeavors to enlist former Soviet republic in the War on Terror; 1st Hun Battalion takes up duties in Iraq

Presidential elections held in Russia
All candidates disappear except Putin; incumbent expected to win

Bin-Laden Caught!
U.S. forces discovered him hiding in a chamber under Kerry's mansion

Edwards carries Guam primaries
All three voters to be delegates

Governor Schwarzenegger destroys San Francisco using National Guard
Uses new catchphrase: "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!"

Castro found to be stuffed dummy
Politburo and DNC had him stuffed and equipped with electronics back in 1998

China tests first neutron bomb
Announces it has solved population problem

North Koreans petition to vote in U.S. elections
Kim Jong-Il seen wearing "Marxists for Kerry" button

Democrats claim law of gravity unfair; intend to defy it
Republicans propose Gravity Amendment to Constitution

Earth Liberation Front attacks kindergarten
Say "they're tired of being ignored"

Newest retro-fad: The Pogo Stick!
By the people who brought you $250 motorized scooters

Newest "reality show" a hit
Called "Clueless" it follows network executives as they go about their day, trying to come up with new ideas for reality shows

Hollywood attempts to ride on 'Passion' success
Moses as a mead addict? King David played by Andrew Dice Clay? The Tower of Babylon destroyed because no environmental impact study was done? Only in Hollywood!

Iran sets off first atomic bomb
Claims 15kt explosion was the result of camel flatulance: "nothing to worry about"

Aliens make contact with Earth via radio
Plead for Earth to stop broadcasting Anna Nicole Show as it causes their heads to explode if they accidentally tune in

George W. Bush reelected in landslide
Now THERE's one you can rely on!