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you've ever lost your car, and not bothered to look for it...
you've ever sunburned the roof of your mouth....
you dress up like a fairy for the renaissance festival and after a bottle of English mead your wings are crooked and you start telling small children you are a bad fairy and that your fairy dust will turn them into a frog and they cry and then your friends try to make you leave but you won't leave until Conan the Barbarian agrees to show you what is under his deerskin skirt..... I was there as an onlooker of course but chasing the pirates on the prop boat and luved the water winches
you think your mug shot looks like a glamour shot
the lack of East Slovakian Climbing Lettuce in your fridge seems like a reasonable excuse to 'pop out to the shops'...
you walk into a club wearing stained, smelly clothes, unshaven, unbathed....for at least a week, teeth unbrushed....for God Knows how long, and you think, "Damn, I look good!". You earn extra points if, like my ol' drinking buddy, you walk out alone later muttering, "All the women in there must be lesbians!".
...nothing seems to make sense unless you have a drink in your hand
you buy a car pre dented so no one will notice the ones you put on the car
you had to pee real bad and the line was too long so you just sat on a trash can in the middle of a concert and then fell in and got someone's half eaten chili cheese fries on your behind...and well you know the rest
. . . you cant count your marriages on one hand...... lol or if it ended badly and remarried it again
you think the nutritional information on the back of a beer can is proof that you should be able to buy it with food stamps
you Swallow Your Skoals And Spit Your Beer
you smoke your cig all the way down past the filter, and it takes you more than a few seconds to realize you're burning your fingers.....
you headbutt the ATM machine because it wont give you anymore money...
you wake up with your face stuck to the mattress from the dried vomit, and you've got a load in your drawers...
you reach for your beer not paying attention and take a swig off your buddies beer bottle spitoon....
you pick up the Heineken bottle off the table thinking it is yours, take a big swig, and realize it is a bong and you just drank the water........ (but you don't really care--you just wonder what this buz will be like.)
you pass out and wet your pants on your best friend leather couch, wake up, go home to change clothes, then go back to your friends house to cook breakfast with the makings for mimosa's........
you can't get any one to bail you out of jail because everyone says you're better off in jail.
u call he hotel operator and that's not the city or hotel u started in
yardwork is, raking up beer cans.
the producers of the television program COPS still send you Christmas cards.
you bought your current pick-up truck because it has a cool place to hide a six pack.
you stand in the middle of the kitchen having a conversation with a fire extinguisher hanging on the wall...thinking...man, this chick has some really freaky red hair and blue eyeshadow (don't ask!)...all the while being really, really polite but wanting to run away screaming!
you have considered starting a local chapter of DAMM, Drunks Against Mad Mothers.
you wake up the next afternoon on the steps to your apartment realizing that you have blown chunks at both ends........Not pretty........and of course this happened to a friend.....as I would never have been that bad off......right
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you've ever puked on a friend, the friend puked back, and you both start laughing, you just might be an alcoholic.
you ever came out of the pub toilets smoking a tampon, you might be an alcoholic... (And hopefully female - if male, you definitely are..!)
friends have ever asked for your keys so you won't ride your motorcycle home and you've woken up on the pool table of the tavern the next morning with your cycle keys but no house keys.....
u wake up in your child's bunkbed and r kissing the dog.....lol
u ever lit up the wrong end of a cig. in the car and it took a couple of drags to realize it didn't taste right
you buy your boonsfarm wine with nickels, dimes and pennies
you ever stepped outside a bar threw up and came back in to finish your drink
you have a grid of the three local liquor stores mapped out in your brain and know exactly what time each of them opens in the morning. (Damn why do they open so late? It's already 7:30 am!) And, you rotate buying your booze at the three, over the course of the day, because you don't want the clerks to think you're an alcoholic.
you walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"
you come home late at night, try your house key in five different doors, finally give up and go sleep in the car then wake up to realize you had your car key in your hand the whole time......
you make enough money from a weeks worth of nickel deposit cans to pay your rent.....
you run behind a dumpster to take a crap, and you cant bend over far enough without falling over, so you end up crappin' all over your pants anyways........
your on a first name basis with the staff at Salvation Army Detox
you spend more time sleeping on the tiles in front of the toilet then you do in bed.....
you ever paid the rent with change!!!
ever got into an argument with a friend who pours a draft on your head, then grumbling and mumbling stagger to the parking lot, crawl into the back seat of the wrong car, pass out and your hair freezes to the fabric seats.
you wake up disheveled, smelling and blame the cat..
you measure distance by quantity
after drinking the bong water, realize that it might taste better if you just put beer in it in the first place, and then for a little variety add some cinnamon Schnapps.
you forget to unzip, soak your trousers but don't want to miss hitting on the hot babe that just walked in, sneak out the back door and do fast laps on your bike to dry them off.
you sleep walk, urinate on your cannabis plants, and then in a day or two yell at your spouse for not watering them when they start to die
mistake the oven for the lav and try to flush by turning the range on.
oi' and the list goes on.
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