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My Favorite Jokes

Welcome to my joke page.Here I post my fav. jokes.If you have a good joke you want to tell me then just E-Mail me at

Hahahaha. To view a really funny E-mail i got from "" click here: First Times

Q.How do you drown a blond? A.You stick a scratch and sniff sticker to the bottom of the pool.

"You should stop wiggling with your feet like that!I've told you that a million times!Don't you have any ears?""Of course I do but I dont know how to wiggle them.

On the beach:"..and you're sure there are no sharks here?"-"Yeah I'm positive.Were there are crocodiles there are no sharks!"

"Momy do I really have to wear a dress today?"Mom:"Yes, Peter."

Tom finds a 10 dollar bill on the street, picks it up, shreds it and throws it in a trashcan."What are you doing?!?"his friend asks."It was a fake,or have you ever seen a 10 dollar bill with two zeros?"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says."Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news." The man asks for the good news first: "The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??" "I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday."

Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second...

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of? "Yep, that's him," he replied.The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician got really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

A man walks into a Doctor's offcie. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear."What's the matter with me?", he asked."You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor.

A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for two words every 5 years, to sum up one's experiences to the head monk.After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described his experiences and all he said was "HARD BEDS." When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were and he replied "BAD FOOD." After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, "I QUIT!" The monk nodded and muttered "Yes, this doesn't surprise me. You've been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!"

Two young men applied for an engineering position. The two applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the second of the two and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other final applicant.The rejected applicant said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. May I ask what made you decide to take the other applicant given the same qualifications and the same scores on the test?" "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," the officious manager insisted. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked the rejected applicant. "Simple, the other applicant answered, "I don't know" on question #5. You put down. "Neither do I"

A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting on a bench sobbing. Concerned, he stops by the bench. "Is there anything I can do for you, sir?" "Oh," sobs the old man, "everything's wonderful. I just married a gorgeous twenty-year old whom even my children love. We have a beautiful house, a pool..." "So what's the matter?" the puzzled young man asks. "I can't remember where I live!"

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