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(For Us Oldies But Goodies)



A 75-year-old woman had a vision one night; she saw and spoke to God.
She asked him, "How much time do I have to live?"
He said, "You have 35 years left."
So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery.
She had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction;
she completely did herself over.
She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again.
After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.
When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said,
"What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years."
God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"


A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries,  a hip replacement,  and  new knees.  I'm half blind and can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.  I  take 20 different medications that make me dizzy,  winded,  and subject  to blackouts.   I have bouts of dementia.   I have poor circulation and hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  I can't remember if I'm 80 or 90.
I have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God,  I still have my  driver's license!


When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.


Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem - knock on wood," she said as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then exclaimed, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


What are seniors citizens worth?  They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

As for myself, I have become a little older and a few changes have come into my life.  Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal.   I am seeing five gentlemen every day.  As soon as I wake up,  Will Power helps me get out of bed.   I immediately go to see John.   After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint.  Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay.  What a life!!

The preacher came by the other day.  He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter.   I told him,  'Oh I do all the time.   No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement,  I ask myself... 'What am I here after?'



A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.