The Whole Nine Yards
Transcribed By: Sonja Kemp
(Dr. Nicholas ďOzĒ Oseransky is in the bathroom brushing his teeth. When heís finished he smiles at himself in the mirror, but the smile quickly turns to a grimace. A few moments later he comes down the stairs dressed for work. His wife, Sophie, and her mother are sitting at the dining room table having breakfast.)
Sophie: I need money.
Oz: Yes, it is a lovely morning isnít it? The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. (he pours himself a glass of coffee)
Sophieís Mother: The only dentist I know who canít make money.
Oz: Oh really, what about her father?
Sophieís Mother: As a dentist my husband was very successful. It was just that other stuffÖ
Oz: Yes, thereís a word for that other stuff, itís called embezzlement. (to Sophie) Speaking of which, how much do you need, dear?
Sophie: Five should probably do it.
Oz: Thousand? For what? You know what, your father would be proud. (sighs) Iíll see what I can do. In the mean time you ladies have a lovely day.
Sophie: I would, if youíd do me a favor and die.
(She and her mother laugh as Oz walks out the door. He gets into his car and starts it. He then turns the car off and proceeds to pound on the steering wheel with his fist and head. Then, he calmly starts the car again and pulls out of the driveway. A bit further down the road he stops the car and beats the steering wheel again before finally heading off to work.)
(Ozís assistant, Jill St. Claire, is on the telephone.)
Jill: (into phone) Excuse me, are you threatening me? (listens) I didnít think so. Look, I changed my mind okay. (listens) Yes, Iíll get you your money back. (Oz walks in and she quickly acts like sheís talking to a client.) Oui, oui Madam Dupre, Mardi at trois hour. A bientu. (hangs up) Morning Doctor.
(Later Oz is working on a middle aged manís teeth.)
Oz: Okay, good news Mr. Boulez were not going to have to pull the tooth, all we have to do is drill.
Mr. Boulez: Ecoute moi, Doctor. No drill.
Oz: No drill?
Mr. Boulez: No drill. I hate the drill. So you just gas me, pull the tooth out and we still be friends, okay? (Oz slightly nods) Good.
(Mr. Boulez laughs and we see that his teeth are very disgusting. Oz flinches.)
(Oz and Jill are having lunch. They are giving their orders to a waitress.)
Jill: I just want a hamburger and fries.
Oz: Okay, Iím gonna have a hamburger, with no mayonnaise this time.
Waitress: No mayonnaise?
Oz: No mayonnaise, not at all. Okay? (the waitress nods and leaves) Sheís gonna put mayonnaise on it.
Jill: You mind if I say something? (Oz nods his consent) Leave the bitch!
Oz: Excuse me?
Jill: Your wife, leave her! Find somebody else, and just start over.
Jill: Oz, look, I know itís none of my business. I know Iíve only been working for you for whateverÖthree weeks. But Iím just telling you what I see, mister. Your wife is not a good person.
Oz: Youíre expecting an argument?
Jill: Okay, so why do you torture yourself then? Just divorce her!
Oz: I canít afford to. Sheíd take me to the cleaners. Iím already paying her fatherís debt.
Jill: So sheís just gonna ride it out until Daddyís debt gets paid. Sheís just charming isnít she?
Oz: She canít help it, her motherísÖwhatís a nice wayÖisÖwell, sheís the anti-Christ.
Jill: You know, youíd be doing the world a favor if you just have her whacked.
Oz: (laughs) And you know somebody who would do this?
Jill: (smiles) Present company excluded?
(The waitress comes back with their food.)
Jill & Oz: Merci. (the waitress leaves)
Jill: Are we talking hypothetically or do you want me to name a price?
Oz: Well you should talk to my wife, youíd make a fortune.
Jill: What makes you say that?
Oz: Life insurance, Iím worth more dead than alive.
(He looks at his hamburger and there is indeed mayonnaise on it.)
(He pulls up in his car and sees a new neighbor unpacking his stuff. He wanders over to introduce himself.)
(The new neighbor, Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí Tudeski is directing where he wants the moving people to take his stuff.)
Jimmy: Yeah, the dining room. Just take that plastic stuff off of there. Can you move any slower than this fellas?
Oz: (walking up) Hi, you must be our new neighbor. Iím Nicholas Oseransky, call me Oz.
(He holds out his hand, and Jimmy looks at him for a second in suspicion before taking the hand and they shake.)
Jimmy: Jimmy, Jimmy Jones.
Oz: Have we met before?
Oz: Are you sure?
Jimmy: Yeah, Iíd remember. I got a thing with faces.
Oz: That is so weird, you look so familiar. Where are you from?
Moving Guy: Mr. Jones, where do you want this.
(As Jimmy raises his hand to gesture we see that he has a tattoo of a tulip on the inner part of his left arm. Oz stares at the tattoo in shock and we suddenly see several newspaper headlines that tell us that Jimmy was/is a hit man who sold out his boss and went to jail, but that was just released. All this happens in a few seconds.)
Jimmy: UmmmÖupstairs, back bedroom. (to Oz) What were you saying?
Jimmy: You all right?
Oz: (quietly) Yes.
Jimmy: You sure? Because you look like you got some gas.
Oz: Well I had a hamburger for lunch.
Jimmy: Did they put mayonnaise on it?
Jimmy: Can you tell me why they do that? Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger IS KETCHUP! (he tosses something from the truck into the house) OR MAYBE SOME OF THAT SPECIAL SAUCE YOU LIKE SO MUCH HERE IN CANADAÖ(calms down) Which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God, when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.
Oz: I really, really didnít want to upset you.
Jimmy: Whoís upset? Iím just having a conversation here.
Oz: Iím gonna go home.
Jimmy: Okay. Feel better.
Oz: Thank you. (turns to leave)
Oz: (jumps and turns around) Yes!?
Jimmy: Thanks for stopping by, welcoming me to the neighborhood.
(Oz turns and runs back to his house.)
(Sophie sits on the couch with the dog, doing nothing. Oz bursts in and heads straight for the liquor cabinet. For future reference, when anyone mentions Janni Gogolak, Janni is pronounced ĎYannií.)
Oz: Pack up! Pack up, weíre leaving! Jesus! (he takes a drink of scotch) Jesus! I just bumped into our new next door neighbor. Do you have any idea who that is?
Sophie: (shrugs) I suppose youíre going to tell me.
Oz: Thatís Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí Tudeski.
Sophie: Does that mean something?
Oz: Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí was a hit man for the Gogolak gang. (Sophie looks blank) The Gogolak gang, the Hungarian gang back in Chicago that ran the north side? And that guy Jimmy, right over there, was Laslo Gogolakís key inforcer.
(Sophie rushes outside to look at Jimmy from their porch, and Oz follows her.)
Sophie: (sighs) Sexy.
Oz: Sophie, the manís killed seventeen people.
Sophie: Why the stupid name?
Oz: The Tulip? Thatís his flower of choice. Itís what he sent to his victimís funerals.
Sophie: I wonder what heís doing here.
Oz: Well hiding out most likely. See he ratted out Laslo Gogolak, now Lasloís spending the rest of his life in prison. Jimmy only got 5 years. And Dave told me that he refused witness protection.
Sophie: Protection fromÖ
Oz: Well Iím sure Lasloís son Janni wants to put one of thoseÖ you knowÖtheÖa price on his head.
Sophie: You mean a contract? A mob contract?
(Jimmy glances over and sees them watching him.)
(The next day Oz is mowing his front yard. Jimmy comes up to him from behind and places a hand on his shoulder. Oz cuts the engine to the lawn mower. Oz looks at Jimmy nervously.)
Jimmy: Feeling better?
Oz: Yes, thank you.
Jimmy: Okay, letís go for a drive.
Oz: A drive?
Jimmy: Yeah, a drive.
Jimmy: Well, I donít know anyone else in town and I figured we could go for a drive and you could (he puts Oz in the car) show me the sights, you know, it wonít kill you. (he goes over to his side of the car)Oz: (to himself) Promise?
(Jimmy gets in and they start driving.)
Jimmy: So I take it youíre not Canadian.
Oz: Only by marriage.
Jimmy: Whereíre you from?
Oz: Chicago. (he realizes what he said and gets alarmed) Not ChicagoÖChicago. I was born there, but I donít really know anything about Chicago anymore.
Oz: (looks out the car window) Yep, totally oblivious to anything even related to Chicago.
Jimmy: Iím from Jersy.
Oz: New Jersy?
Jimmy: Yeah, New Jersy.
Oz: Well if youíre from Jersy, youíre from Jersy. Jersyís another place I know absolutely nothing about.
Jimmy: Are you always this nervous?
(They arrive at a point that overlooks the ocean. Itís crowded and vendors are selling their wares.)
Oz: Well, like virtually everything else thatís wrong in my life, it all started with the little missus. (Jimmy laughs) See, back home her father and I ran a dental practice together.
Jimmy: Youíre a dentist?
Oz: Afraid so.
Jimmy: You suicidal?
Oz: See, now whyÖwhy would you say that?
Jimmy: Well I once read that dentists are prone to suicide.
Oz: Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life but I certainly donít want to die.
Jimmy: You better get used to it, because youíre going to. (pause while he looks as some flowers and Oz looks panicked) Everybody diesÖsooner or later. (he holds up a flower) Tulip?
Jimmy: So you were sayingÖyouíre father-in-law?
Oz: Well, ironically he was a suicide.
Jimmy: Stats donít lie.
Oz: He got caught molesting a patient. (Jimmy groans) An underage patient. (Jimmy groans again) An underage male patient.
Jimmy: Oh please, stop.
Oz: I know. So this kid starts to blackmail him, right? And this is the exact same time the IRS decides to investigate him for tax fraud. So Big Aaron needs money, and fast, so he goes to aÖyou know, a loan shark, takes out a sizeable loan against our company, which I had no idea about, and then proceeds to hitÖ
Jimmy: Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno. Loses all the money and sticks you with the bill. Am I right?
Oz: You are right. Thatís exactly right. So, you know, after the ensuing scandal and bankruptcy and embarrassment my wife, and herÖmother decided it would be best if we moved back here.
Jimmy: You like living in Canada?
Oz: No, I live here with my wife.
Jimmy: (laughs) You sure youíre a dentist?
Oz: (smiles) Yeah, why?
Jimmy: Cause I never met a dentist I liked.
Oz: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.
Jimmy: Me too.
(Oz quickly gets down from the ledge he was sitting on.)
(Jimmy pulls up to the house, and Oz gets out.)
Jimmy: Hey, this has been good. Iím glad we got to know each other.
Oz: You know what, me too.
Jimmy: You can go now.
Oz: Right. (he walks off)
(Oz walks into the house where Sophie is waiting for him.)
Oz: Yes, dear? (sits down on the couch)
Sophie: Thank God youíre home.
Oz: (surprised) Thank God Iím home?
Sophie: I had an idea. I figured out a way we could pay off Daddyís debt.
Oz: Youíre getting a job?
Sophie: Our new neighbor, you said there was a price on his head?
Oz: Thatís your plan, youíre gonna murder our neighbor?
Sophie: Hereís what youíre going to do. Youíre going to Chicago, youíre going to find out who it is who is offering the price on his headÖ
Oz: Jimmy Tudeskiís head?
Sophie: Then youíre going to tell them you know where he is, after you negotiate a finders fee.
Oz: A finders fee? On a murder contract?
Sophie: Is that a problem?
Oz: Other than the fact that it would make me party toÖa murder.
Sophie: But heís a killer, you said so yourself.
Oz: Thatís another good reason not to do it. Okay? And whatever heís done heís been to prison. Heís paid his debt to society.
Sophie: Well now he can pay our debt too.
Oz: All right look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I spent some time with the guy today and heís pretty nice. And besides, he hasnít done anything to me.
Sophie: He came on to me!
Sophie: He came on to me! That animal, he made a pass at me.
Sophie: (thinking quickly) EarlierÖthis morningÖbefore you came home.
Oz: He said you guys havenít even met.
Sophie: Whoíre you going to believe, a contract killer or your wife?
Oz: Do I have to answer that?
Oz: Okay, okay. Letís say he did make a pass at youÖthe guyís been in prison for 5 years, heís desperate. Heíd sleep with a meat grinder.
Sophie: You pig! You disgust me. Thereís a known killer living right next door who might slaughter us in our sleep and you wonít lift a finger?!
Oz: Thatís right! Iím not gonna lift a finger because this is crazy!
(Sophie puts on a seductive face and goes over to him on the couch. She crawls into his lap while he looks at her with mild disgust.)
Sophie: You do this for me, and Iíll give you your divorce. And if you donít do this for me, I swear Iíll make your life so damn miserable itíll make these past few years seem like a pleasure cruise. I already booked your flight. You leave tomorrow at nine AM. You better start packing. (she gets up and walks off)
(Oz makes a few motions of disgust with his hands.)
(Jill is on the phone with Oz.)
Jill: Okay, when are you coming back, because I have to reschedule all your appointments.
Oz: It shouldnít be more than a couple of days.
Jill: Are you going alone?
Oz: (on phone) Yes.
Jill: Good, can you do me a huge favor while youíre there? Go out and get laid!
Oz: (giving Sophie a glance) Jill!
Jill: (on phone) And call meÖ
Jill: Öthe second you get back. Better yet call me right after, call me during. I want all the details.
(A young girl in braces exchanges a glance with her mother.)
(Sophie pulls up and Oz gets out of the car.)
Oz: All right, now donít expect too much. Iím not even sure if Iím going to be able to make contact with these people. Itís not as if the Gogolakís have a 1-800 number or anything.
Sophie: I know youíll do what you can. (gives him a big kiss)
Oz: What is this?
Sophie: Good luck, my darling, and hurry home. (she gets back in the car)
Oz: (to luggage person) Do they have vomit bags on the flight? (he heads into the airport)
(Meanwhile Sophie races past her home and goes straight over to Jimmyís house. She runs up and rings the doorbell. Jimmy opens it and looks at her with suspicion.)
Sophie: Youíre Jimmy Tudeski arenít you? Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí? Donít worry, youíre secrets safe with me sexy, but you will never believe what my darling husband is up to.
(A journalist, Dave, is talking to Oz on the phone.)
Dave: Youíre back in Chicago? Great. Tell you what, meet me at Eagenís Oyster Bar in 45 minutes.
(Eagenís Oyster Bar)
(Oz and Dave are munching down on a lot of Oysters.)
Oz: Dave, Iím telling you, you got nothing to worry about.
Dave: How can I not worry? You tell me youíre back in Chicago to rat Jimmy Tudeski out to Janni GogolakÖ
Oz: But Iím not going to rat him out. Do you think Iím suicidal?
Dave: Well you are a dentist.
Oz: Look, I have no intention to rat anybody out, okay? The only reason Iím here is I want Sophie off my back if you want to know the truth.
Dave: All right, look, Iíve got a deadline. Iíll come by your hotel room as soon as Iím finished. In the meantime, promise me you wonít do anything stupid.
Oz: Now why would you even say that?
Dave: You married Sophie, didnít you? (walks off)
Oz: So Iíll get the check then?
(Oz walks into his hotel room to find a somewhat large black man sitting in a chair waiting for him. This is Franklin Figueroa (A.K.A. Frankie Figs), a hit man for Janni Gogolak.)
Oz: Iím sorry, I must have the wrongÖ
Frankie: What room are you looking for?
Oz: (looking at his key) 519.
Frankie: Youíre in the right place. Youíre Nicholas Oseransky.
Oz: Who are you?
Frankie: We understand you have information regarding the whereabouts of Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí.
Oz: Who told you that? Dave?
Frankie: Whoís Dave?
Oz: What did he tell you?
Frankie: Forget about Dave. For our immediate purposes there is no Dave. Dave does not exist. So, just answer my question. Do you or donít youÖ(off Ozís look) have information regarding the whereabouts of Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí?
Oz: I donít know what youíre talking about man.
Frankie: (stands up) Really? Then I must have been misinformed. (walks by Oz) I apologize.
Oz: Itís okay.
(Frankie hauls back and punches Oz in the stomach and then holds Oz up so he wonít fall down.)
Frankie: Now, letís try this again. We understand that you have information regardingÖ
Oz: Who told you that?
Frankie: Now why you want to go cluttering your mind with the inconsequential? Whatís important isÖwe know that you know where Jimmy Tudeski is.
Oz: Look, I really have noÖ(Frankie punches him in the stomach again.)
Frankie: Arenít you gonna cry out for help?
Oz: Would it do any good?
Frankie: (thinks) No.
Oz: Who are you?
Frankie: (sets Oz down and holds out his hand) Franklin Figueroa, a.k.a. Frankie Figgs. I work for Janni Gogolak. (they shake)
Oz: Oh my god!
Frankie: So, whereís Jimmy?
Oz: Look, I swearÖ
(Frankie hits Oz again and they scuffle.)
Frankie: My brother, believe me, you donít want to dance with me all night for a scumbag like Jimmy T. Save yourself the pain.
Oz: Look, I reallyÖ(Frankie goes to hit him again but he jumps back.) No, no, no, noÖ(thinks) I may know where he is.
Frankie: Well all right. But donít tell me, letís go tell Janni.
Oz: Okay. Do you mind if I piss a little blood first?
Frankie: By all means.
(Oz limps into the bathroom and shuts the door.)
(A car pulls up and drives past some barking dogs. A few minutes later Oz and Frankie are standing before Janni Gogolak. Several of Janniís goons are standing nearby. Janni has a strange way of talking. He pronounces things oddly but for the sake of this transcript Iíve just typed up what he saysÖnot how he says it. For example, when he says Jimmyís name he pronounces it so that the J sounds like a Y. Make sense?)
Janni: My father is a great man. A man of vision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs, unlike that rat FUCKÖpiece of shitÖTudeski. Can youÖ.(Oz leans forward, but Janni is talking to one of his goons)Ö.ask Cynthia to join us, please? (The goon leaves to get her.) (to Oz) You want a drink?
Oz: Oh, no thank you.
Janni: Have a drink.
Oz: Iíll have a scotch and soda please.
Janni: I want you to understand, Frankie explained to me that youíre having a problem with your conscious.
Oz: Yes, well, itís just that none of this was my idea.
Janni: Do you think it was mine? No. If I had my way my father would still be running things, and Iíd be somewhere likeÖuhÖI donít knowÖuhÖAruba.
Oz: Actually Arubaís not that nice.
Janni: Excuse me?
Oz: You may like itÖsee I honeymooned there and thatís probably why I (off Frankieís look he trails off quietly) didnít like it.
Janni: The thing you gotta remember is when weíre talking about Jimmy Tudeski, weíre not talking about a human being. Weíre talking about a rodent. Weíre talking about verminÖ(he pronounces it wormen.) (he takes a puff of his cigarette and blows the smoke out.) Where was I?
Oz: Wormen, I think, wormen.
Janni: Weíre talking about someoneÖScrew That!Ösomething that doesnít deserve to be breathingÖthe air.
Cynthia: Janni, talking about yourself again?
(Oz looks over at a very beautiful blond standing in the doorway. This is Cynthia Tudeski, Jimmyís wife.)
Janni: Mr. Oseransky, this is Cynthia. Jimmyís wife. (pause while Cynthia sits down) Cynthia, is seems that MrÖ.
Janni: Excuse me?
Frankie: Dr. Oseransky, heís a dentist.
Janni: Whatever. It seems that our dentist friend here knows where Jimmy is.
Cynthia: Oh. Come to collect on the contract?
Frankie: Janni, just so you know, since Iím the one that found this guy, I want it. The contracts mine.
Janni: Just as long as Iím in on the kill.
Frankie: So long as I get full price.
Janni: I want to see that spineless rat beg. Money doesnít matter.
Cynthia: (chuckles) Well now Iíve heard everything. (to Oz) Donít you believe it. This one, kill you for a quarter.
Janni: Mr. Oseransky, Frankie will accompany you back to Canada. You will lead him to the man you believe is Jimmy Tudeski.
Oz: But sirÖ
Janni: Frankie youíll let me know. (Frankie nods) All right then.
Oz: Ah, Mr. GogolakÖmy wife would make my life even more miserable that it already is if I didnít at least askÖis there going to be any kind of finders fee for this?
Janni: Finders fee?
(Everyone just looks at him and then Janni busts out laughing.)
Janni: I tell you what, tell youíre wife that weíll work something out.
(Frankie leads Oz out. Cynthia gets up to leave.)
Janni: Cynthia, donít rush off. We should chat a little.
(Frankie pulls up to the hotel.)
Frankie: Iíll call you in the morning and weíll leave first thing. (Oz gets out of the car.) Doctor, youíre not going to do anything stupid like trying to leave me in the lurch are you.
Oz: No! (he goes into the hotel)
(Oz is now on the phone with Dave.)
Oz: (into phone) What did you do? Who did you talk to?
Dave: (into phone) What are you talking about?
Oz: (into phone) Do you know a guy named Frankie Figgs?
Dave: (into phone) I know of him.
Oz: (into phone) Yeah, well, when I came back from lunch he was sitting in my room!
Dave: (into phone) Frankie Figgs was in your room?
Oz: (into phone) Yes! And somehow he knew all about my knowing where Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí is.
Dave: (on phone) And what did he do?
Oz: (into phone) Well after he played conga on my kidneys for a while he took me to see Janni Gogolak.
Dave: (into phone) Oz, tell me youíre kidding.
Oz: (into phone) Who did you tell?! I want to know exactly who you told.
Dave: (into phone) No one, I swear.
Oz: (into phone) Well then howÖwhat am I gonna do? Iíll talk to you later. I gotta go. (he hangs up.)
(He opens the refrigerator and pulls out a small bottle of scotch. He then calls room service.)
Man: (on phone) Room Service.
Oz: (into phone) Yes, this is Dr. Oseransky in room 519, Iím going to need a bigger bottle of scotch.
(Oz then calls Jimmy.)
(Jimmy sits in a semi-dark room. The phone rings and he picks it up.)
Jimmy: (into phone) Yeah.
Oz: (into phone) Itís me.
Jimmy: (into phone) Oz, how ya doing?
Oz: (into phone) I donít know what to doÖIíve done something terrible.
Jimmy: (into phone) Now come on Oz, what could be so terrible?
Oz: (on phone) Youíve got to get out of town. Get out of CanadaÖjust get the hell out! Iím in Chicago.
Jimmy: (into phone) Yeah, I heard about that. Have you see Janni yet?
Oz: (into phone) (surprised) How did you know that?
Jimmy: (into phone) Relax, I know about the whole thing.
Oz: (into phone) ButÖ
Jimmy: (into phone) Iíll explain everything when you get back, okay? In the meantime, why donít you have a good time while youíre down there, live it up.
Oz: (into phone) No, wait a minuteÖjustÖ
Jimmy: (into phone) Weíll talk when you get back.
Oz: (into phone) If you say so JimmyÖ(Jimmy hangs up.)
(Oz promptly hangs up the phone and walks calmly into the bathroom and then proceeds to vomit into the toilet. There is a knock at the door. Oz flushes the toilet and gets up to see who it is. He opens the door and Cynthia is standing there.)
Cynthia: Well are you gonna invite me in or am I gonna have to go downstairs and tell Janniís guys that youíre being impolite?
Oz: Janniís guyís are downstairs. (she nods) Yes, come in.
Cynthia: (takes of her jacket) Love a man with manners. Janni sent me to see if you were on the level. Janniís the trusting type. So do you or donít you?
Oz: Do I or donít IÖ
Cynthia: Know where my wayward husband is?
Oz: Mrs. TudeskiÖ
Cynthia: Cynthia, please. Why be formal with the woman youíre about to widow?
Oz: You donít understand.
Cynthia: Whatís not to understand. You want youíre thirty pieces of silver, right? See my only question is why didnít you do the job yourself?
Oz: Why didnít IÖ?
Cynthia: Why didnít you kill Jimmy and try to collect on the contract? Whatís the matter, you didnít have the stomach for it? Or is your problem a little further south? (She taps Oz in the crotch and he lets out a breath heíd been holding.) Have you vomited recently?
Oz: A minute ago. I was just going to brush my teeth.
Cynthia: Iíll wait.
Oz: Okay. (he rushes into the bathroom) Mrs. TudeskiÖCynthiaÖnone of this was my idea.
Cynthia: Oh, so you just happened to travel a thousand miles to rat Jimmy out to Janni.
Oz: (begins brushing his teeth) No, see thatís what Iím trying to say. None of this was my idea. It was my wifeís plan. She wanted me to come to Chicago to rat Jimmy out. Look, maybe it would be best for everybody concerned if you just went back to Janni and said that Iím crazy, that Iíve got nuts. Iím chemically imbalanced. You know, Iím whacko. (he spits out his tooth paste and rinses his mouth) Maybe that would be the best thing. BecauseÖ (He takes a swish of mouthwash and swishes it around then goes to speak, and spits some of it out, so he leans back over the sink and spits out the mouthwash.) Just tell him Iím acting exactly the way Iím acting right now.
Cynthia: But you do know where Jimmy is, donít you?
Oz: Look, Mrs. Tudeski, I donít want anybody to die. And that is on the level. What do you want?
Cynthia: What do I want? I just want this all to end. (sigh) I am so damn scared.
(There is a knock at the door.)
Oz: Oh, itís room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch. (he opens the door and takes the tray from the waiter) There you go. Thank you. (he shuts the door) What would you say to a drink?
Cynthia: Iíd say no ice, no water, and a tall glass.
Cynthia: What can I say, I was young, and Jimmy was like no man Iíd ever met before.
Oz: Yeah, well heís the first killer Iíve known.
Cynthia: There was no one like him at my daddyís country club. Lousy husband though. He cheated on me constantly.
Oz: So why did you justÖ
Cynthia: Divorce him? (Oz nods) Jimmy doesnít believe in divorce. He thinks itís a sin. (off Ozís look) I know, a hit man with moralsÖgo figure.
Oz: So now that heís out of prisonÖare you guys gonna get back together?
Cynthia: You mean assuming that Frankie and Janni donít kill him first? (Oz nods) No, Jimmy and I are over. And even if I wanted to make another go of it, which I donít, thereíd always be that other thing between us.
Oz: What other thing?
Cynthia: The fact that he wants to kill me.
Cynthia: Youíre a sweet guy. Money.
Oz: Oh, are you rich?
Cynthia: The money Laslo Gogolak gave us as a wedding present. Only it wasnít a wedding present. Laslo was just parking the money with us to hide it from the Feds.
Oz: How much was it?
Cynthia: Ten million dollars.
Oz: Hell of a parking space.
Cynthia: And the only way that anyone could get the money was if Jimmy, and Janni, and I all signed for it together. And if you didnít have all three signature you need 2 signatures and a death certificate. Or one signature andÖ
Oz: Two death certificates. Thatís why Jimmy wants to kill you. Because if he kills youÖ
Cynthia: And Janni. Letís not forget Janni.
Oz: Then he gets the money, all of it.
Cynthia: The whole nine yards.
Oz: What if you just told him that you didnít want the money?
Cynthia: I did tell him. I donít want to die. But he knows I donít want to be married to him anymore, and like I said he doesnít believe in divorce.
Oz: But murder heís okay with.
Cynthia: Itís what he does.
Oz: Yeah, well if it was me ten million wouldnít be enough.
Cynthia: So how much would it take for you to kill your wife?
Oz: Iím talking about you.
Cynthia: Me then. What would be your price?
Oz: Thatís what Iím saying. I think you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life and I cannot believe Iím saying this out loud.
Cynthia: Iím sure itís just the scotch talking.
Oz: No, itís me. I spent the last 7 years of my life just sitting and waiting for something to happen. I didnít know what it was, until you walked in that room at Janni Gogolakís house. (Cynthia looks uncomfortable) Iím sorry. Iíve embarrassed you.
Cynthia: I should go.
Cynthia: Youíre a nice guy, but Iíve got to go. (she leaves)
(Cynthia exits the elevator. Two of Janniís guys are waiting for her.)
Cynthia: Letís go.
(Cynthia sits in the backseat with the two guys.)
Cynthia: You know the nights still young. You boys in any rush to get back?
(Oz opens the door and Cynthia is standing there.)
Cynthia: Did you mean what you said? (he nods) Iíve got till midnight. (she enters and shuts the door) In the meantimeÖ(they kiss) Promise me something.
Cynthia: Youíll go slowÖI havenít made love in 5 years.
Oz: Neither have I. (off her look) Iíve been married. (they kiss again)
(The room is in disarray and Oz and Cynthia lie on the bed. Oz glances at the clock, itís almost midnight.)
Oz: Itís almost time.
Cynthia: Again? What, did you have oysters for lunch?
Oz: Actually I did. (sits up) Jimmy knows Iím here.
Cynthia: (sits up in horror) Here with me?
Oz: (gets out of bed) Here in Chicago, talking with Janni.
Cynthia: How, how did he know that?
Oz: (puts on a robe) Because I told him.
Cynthia: You what?
Oz: He already knew.
Oz: Well Iím guessing my darling wife.
Cynthia: Is she trying to get you killed?
Oz: Apparently. I mean thatís the only thing I can come up with. But when I talked to Jimmy he didnít sound upset.
Cynthia: No he wouldnít. Heíd be your best friend right up until the moment heÖ
Oz: Heís gonna kill me isnít he. And then, when heís done with that, heís gonna come after you. Well Iím not gonna let that happen. Iím not gonna let Jimmy kill you. Iím gonna take Frankie to Canada, and lead him to Jimmy.
Cynthia: So Frankie can kill him.
Oz: Believe me, if there was any other way, but better Jimmy that youÖright?
Cynthia: Oz, donít you get it? Either way, Iím dead.
Cynthia: As soon as Jimmyís dead why would Janni want to keep me alive? Heíd want to kill me to so he couldÖ
Oz: Collect on the whole ten million dollars. Well Iím not gonna let that happen. I swear, Iím not gonna let anybody kill you.
Cynthia: Under the circumstances, I think thatís probably the most romantic thing Iíve ever heard.
(Later Oz watches as Cynthia leaves the hotel and gets into the car with Janniís guys.)
(Canadian Airport Ė Morning)
Frankie: You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?
Oz: I felt bad, I like him. (pause) I liked him.
Frankie: So you donít like him no more?
Oz: Well itís a little hard to maintain a friendship with someone who wants to kill you.
Frankie: If you sold my ass out to Janni and then told me about it Iíd want to ice your ass too.
Oz: I know. (spots the gap in Frankieís teeth) You know I can close that gap for you.
Frankie: (happy) Really?
Oz: Yeah, youíd be in and out.
Frankie: Youíre kiddingÖthis thing right here?
Oz: Not a problem.
(Jill is talking to Oz on the phone.)
Jill: (into phone) So, did you do it? Did you do what I told you to do?
(Rental Car Station)
(Frankie is getting a rental car while Oz is on the phone.)
Oz: (into phone) No, no, Iím not gonna answer that.
Jill: (into phone) So you did! I can tell! You had sex!
(Rental Car Station)
Frankie: (to agent) Full size car, please.
Jill: (into phone) So who is she? Come on, I want to hear all about it.
(Rental Car Station)
Oz: (into phone) Look, I gotta go, okay? Any emergencies Iíve got my beeper on.
Jill: (on phone) Okay, fine, be that way.
Frankie: (to agent) I donít need no insurance.
Jill: (on phone) By the way, the hell bitch called. She said she and her mom went to Niagara Falls for a couple days.
Oz: (into phone) Yeah, probably working on her alibi. (Frankie walks up) I gotta go. (he hangs up)
Frankie: Why donít you drive back to the hotel with me. Unless of course youíd rather go home in broad daylight with Jimmy right next door.
Oz: Yeah, Iíll go with you.
(Oz and Frankie enter the hotel room only to find Jimmy sitting there with a drink in one hand and a gun in the other. Oz runs for cover but slips and falls. He tries to get some cover by hiding behind a very thin lamp. Frankie just stands there. Jimmy looks Frankie in the eye.)
Jimmy: Frankie Figgs.
Frankie: Jimmy T.
(He and Jimmy have a face off, but suddenly they both burst out laughing. Jimmy puts his gun away as he stands and he and Frankie embrace.)
Frankie: Whatís going on man? Whatís up baby?
Jimmy: Oh, whatís up Frankie? Welcome to Montreal. Oz, you look worried. Doesnít he look worried Frankie?
Frankie: He does man.
Jimmy: Why donít you relax? Come on, Frankie told me what a stand up guy youíve been. Now change your pants, weíre going out.
(The guys are now in some type of jazz club where there is a singer up on stage singing her heart out. The guys sit at a table and Jimmy is talking to the waiter.)
Jimmy: Iím gonna keep the coke and the fries, but Iím gonna send this burger back, and if you put any mayonnaise on it Iím going to come over to your house, chop your legs off, set your house on fire, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out of your house. Okay, Pierre?
(The waiter turns to look at Oz.)
Oz: Iím fine.
(The waiter leaves.)
Jimmy: Youíre fine? (laughs) Let me tell you something, Oz, you are not fine. Did you know your wife wants you dead?
Oz: That much Iíve figured out.
Jimmy: I just thought you should know because Iím not the first one she came to on this.
Oz: The firstÖ
Oz: There were others?
Jimmy: At least one. Apparently that fell through so she came to me.
Oz: Um, what did you tell her?
Jimmy: You mean, did I take the contract? (Oz nods) No, I didnít take the contract.
Frankie: How much did she offer you?
Jimmy: Ten grand.
Frankie: (laughs) No wonder you turned her down.
Oz: (laughing sickly) But you did turn her down, even though I went to Janni?
Frankie: You didnít go to Janni. Jimmy sent me to come to you.
Jimmy: I know that Frankie can be very persuasive.
Frankie: (to Oz) By the way, howís your urination?
Oz: Oh fine. Thank you. (Frankie laughs.) So why did you want me to go see Janni?
Jimmy: So you could tell him where I was.
Oz: So he could come back up here and you could kill him?
Jimmy: Exacto. By the way, Iíd be happy to do your wife for you.
Oz: Do my wife?
Jimmy: Hap her.
Oz: Hap her?
Jimmy Whack her.
Oz: Whack her? Oh, see I thought you meantÖ(makes a motion for sex) Cause she told me that you hit on her. (Jimmy laughs) Thatís funny. Why is that funny?
Jimmy: Oh, actually I wasnít going to tell you this, but the truth is your wife came on to me.
Jimmy: Oz, weíre friends. Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each otherís wives. Besides, I donít find your wife particularly that attractive.
Oz: You just got out of prison.
Oz: Youíve been in prison for five years and you donít find my wife attractive.
Jimmy: Sheís not a good person.
Oz: Youíve killed 17 people, and you donít think my wife is a good person?
Jimmy: Itís not important how many people Iíve killed. Whatís important is how I get along with the people that are still alive.
Frankie: (quietly to Oz about his fries) You gonna finish this?
Oz: (shoving his plate to Frankie) Just take it.
(The singer finishes the song and everyone claps. Jimmy gives Oz and Frankie a look at they clap too.)
(The guys exit the restaurant and begin walking.)
Jimmy: I think weíve given it long enough. Why donít you give Janni a call? The sooner he gets here the better.
Oz: So after you kill Janni are you gonna go back to Chicago?
Jimmy: No, Iím done with Chicago.
Oz: Well what about your wife? Are you gonna get back together with her? (Jimmy and Frankie exchange a look) Youíre gonna kill her too?!
Frankie: (laughing) For a hell of a lot more than ten thousand dollars.
Oz: Well you canít do that!
Jimmy: Why not?
Oz: Cause sheís youíre wife!
Frankie: Jimmy, you were right about him. This is one exceedingly sweet man. A wife like he got and still he believes in wedding vows.
Jimmy: So do I. Especially ĎTill death do us partí.
Oz: (jumps as his beeper goes off) Oh! Itís my beeper. I gotta go to the office.
Jimmy: Well, wedding vows or not, Iíd watch my back. Iíd say your wifeís still shopping for a hitter.
(gives Oz a pat on the shoulder) Good luck. (He and Frankie walk off.)
(Oz is trying to drill a manís tooth but his hands are shaking too much. The patient watches with fear. After a few tries to get the drill to hold still, he finally shuts it off.)
Oz: You know what, on second thought Mr. Terret, I think weíre gonna have to pull the tooth.
(Later Jill comes out of the waiting area as Mr. Terret leaves. She goes into the exam room and sees Oz lying in the chair with the gas mask over his nose.)
Jill: Oz, what is it? Whatís the matter?
(He quickly goes to turn on the gas, but Jill stops him and pulls the mask up to his forehead.)
Jill: I am your friend, talk to me.
Oz: Well I have to talk to somebody, because Iím justÖ(makes a face)
Jill: Take a deep breath. (breathes deeply and Oz follows) Good.
Oz: Well, first of all I just found out that my wife is trying to have me killed.
Jill: Who told you?
Oz: A friend.
Jill: Anyone I know?
Oz: No, heís my next door neighbor. And hereís the funny part, heís a hit man too. (laughs crazily)
Jill: Really? Whatís his name?
Oz: Jimmy. Jimmy Tudeski.
Jill: Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí? Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí lives next to you, and you know him? Oz, can you introduce me to him?
Oz: Jill, the manís a professional killer.
Jill: Oz, you donít understand. Iíve been wanting to meet this guy for years. Please, come on!
(She pulls on his arm and he gets up to leave but the gas mask is still around his head and it pulls him back, and he falls to the ground. He gets up and stares blankly at the floor before following Jill.)
(Jimmy opens the door to find Oz and Jill standing there.)
Jimmy: Whatís this Oz?
Oz: I donít know.
Jill: It is you. Mr. Tudeski, you donít understand, Iím one of your biggest fans. Iíve been following your career since I was a kid. Youíre the reason Iím trying to get into the business.
Jimmy: And what business would that be?
Jill: (like itís obvious) Contract killing. (Oz looks at her in shock) Itís what I want to do, and if I could just have one afternoon of your time I know that I could learn so much from you.
Jimmy: So, come in. (Jill gives Oz a huge smile and goes into the house.) (to Oz) You too.
(There is a nice weapon cleaning setup on the kitchen table.)
Jill: Whatís all this?
Jimmy: So you know this girl?
Oz: Sheís my assistant.
Jimmy: Did you know she was a hitter?
Jill: Actually, Mr. Tudeski, Iím still a virgin. I havenít killed anyone yet. You know, professionally. Oz was supposed to be my first.
Oz: (shocked) Excuse me?!
Jill: His wife hired me.
Jimmy: (to Oz) Whatíd I tell you?
Oz: (to Jill) That was you?!
Jill: (to Jimmy) I was supposed to make it look like an accident, so I went to work for him so I could familiarize myself with his habits.
Jill: Get to know him.
Jill: Thanks. But then, after I got to know him, I started to like him.
Jimmy: First mistake.
Jill: (sits down) I know!Jimmy: (sits down) You should get close, but not too close. (to Oz who is still hovering) Oz, why donít you go pour yourself a martini.
Oz: Itís 4 oíclock in the afternoon. (Jimmy gives him a look and he goes to pour a drink.)
Jimmy: (to Jill) Look, donít give yourself to hard a time, you got your whole career ahead of you. I remember when I was first starting out, I hadnít really done that much, you know I had done a couple things, saw some money, I was having some fun. I was doing something I liked. I was recruited by Laslo Gogolak, and the first thing he wanted me to do was to whack out of one of his little cousins.
Jill: Oh, is this the Stanley Povlanski incident?
Jimmy: Yeah. Anyway, Laslo doesnít want it to look like a hit. So now Iíve got to get close to Stanley whoís was this really charming, cute, funny little guy. Very weird sense of humor, made me laugh. I really liked him as a person, you know what I mean?
Jill: You got to close.
(There is a fly buzzing around. Jimmy catches it with his hand and pops it into his mouth. He then spits the fly to the ground.)
Jimmy: Yeah, I got to close. So, the moment of truth comes and I choked.
Jimmy: Me. I choked. I couldnít do it. I actually told him I was there to kill him. Do you believe that? I said ĎRun Stanley, run. Go, go. Run, hide. Off you go.í We shake hands, part as friends. I turn around to walk away and this little weasel shoots me in the back, and the bullet comes out right here. (shows her a scar on his shoulder)
Jill: So what did you do?
Jimmy: I didnít really like Stanley after that. (Jill laughs) He took a really, really long time to die. (Oz gulps down his drink) And this scar is a reminder, never get to close.
(Jill looks like she wants to touch it and Jimmy watches her with a slight smile. Jill reaches over and moves his outer shirt out of the way and touches his scar. They stay that way for a moment, just looking into each otherís eyes. Oz, who has finally had enough, hops up from the bar.)
Oz: Excuse me? Excuse me! Not to interrupt or anything, but you were gonna kill me? That was the plan?
Jimmy: (to Jill) What are you doing tonight?
Jill: No plans.
Jimmy: Want to help us out? Me and Frankie Figgs?
Jill: Wait, are you offering me a job?
Jimmy: Only if youíre interested.
Jill: (huge smile) It would be an honor. It would be like a dream come true. (serious) Whoís the mark?
Jimmy: Janni Gogo.
Jill: Janni Gogo? Wow! Wow! (to Oz) Feel my arm, goose bumps.
(Oz jumps as the phone rings.)
Oz: Phone! The phone scared me. (rings again) There it is again!
Jimmy: What is wrong with you?
Oz: I dunno.
Jimmy: (answers the phone) Yeah. Frankie. (listens) Uh huh. Okay, good. See you soon. (hangs up)
Oz: Good news?
Jimmy: Great news. Apparently Janni Gogo is on his way up here and heís brining my wife with him.
Jill: Your wife?
Jimmy: Well Iím sure Janni figures heíll take care of her when he takes care of me.
Jill: So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna try and save her?
Jimmy: No. I want her dead too.
Jill: (happy) Really?
Jimmy: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Jill: Why would I, itís not like I know her.
Oz: I canít believe you people. I mean, here you are calmly talking about the murder of beautiful, innocent woman, whoís only crime as far as I can see is that she married you, Jimmy. So you know what, Iím not gonna listen to this anymore. You know what Iím gonna do? Iím gonnaÖIím gonnaÖ.Iím gonna go. (He goes to leave but he canít get the patio door open.) Iím gonnaÖdoes this slideÖwhat? (he finally gets it open and he leaves and runs over to his house.)
(Oz enters the garage and pulls out Cynthiaís phone number. He dials quickly.)
(Cynthia is packing. Downstairs the phone rings.)
Janni: (to goon) Answer that.
(The goon picks up the phone just as Cynthia comes down the stairs.)
Cynthia: Thatís my phone, thank you.
(The goon looks to Janni for direction and Janni nods at him so he brings the phone to his ear.)
Goon: (into phone) Hello.
(Hearing a manís voice Oz quickly hangs up the phone.)
Cynthia: Well, who was it?
Goon: They hung up.
Janni: Expecting a call?
Cynthia: Explain to me how thatís any of your business.
Janni: (to goon) Get her bag. The planeís waiting, and Iím not.
(Oz looks at the number and dials again.)
(The phone rings, but everyone has gone out to the car.)
(Frustrated by the fact that now no one is answering the phone, Oz hangs up.)
Oz: Oh my God!
(He runs out of the garage.)
(Jimmy and Jill are still in the kitchen cleaning the weapons. Through the glass door of the patio we can see Oz running back towards Jimmyís house.)
Jill: (while holding a gun) You donít like the walther?
Jimmy: I think you should go with whatever youíre comfortable with.
Jill: Itís what James Bond uses.
Jimmy: Still, buy American.
(Just then Oz runs into the patio door. He falls back but quickly gets up and comes inside Heís out of breath so itís very hard for him to speak at first so he just makes some strange sounds. Jill and Jimmy just look at him.)
Oz: Is there any way I can stop you from doing this?
Jimmy: Oz, will you relax? I promise no one is going to know you had anything to do with this.
Oz: But thatís not the point.
Jimmy: What is the point?
Oz: Youíre still gonna kill youíre wife!
Jimmy: WellÖyeah! Iíve got a very good reason to kill my wife. In fact, Iíve got ten million very good reasons to kill my wife.
Oz: Okay, well, what if I said no. You know, what if I said I wasnít going to let you do it.
Jimmy: (laughs) You know, you are the most chivalrous guy Iíve ever met in my life.
Jill: Do you see why I couldnít kill him?
Jimmy: I love him. Oz, come on. Would you relax? Sit down in your favorite chairÖhave another martini. Listen to me, tonight is going to happen whether you want it to or not. And youíre gonna help.
Oz: Me? Help?
Jimmy: Yeah, you help. Youíre gonna help. Youíre gonna go with Frankie to meet Janni at the plane. Because if youíre not there, Janni will get suspicious, get back on the plane and fly back to Chicago, and we donít want that.
Jimmy: Oz, this is the way itís gotta be. Okay? (he holds up a gun pointed straight up) And, Iím telling you this like a friend because, if you screw this up I would hate to have toÖ(he pulls the trigger on the gun, but the gun is blank) Iíd really hate to have to kill you. Iíd hate it. Hate it more than mayonnaise, and you know how much I hate mayonnaise.
Oz: (weakly) Yes, I do.
Jimmy: And besides, trust me, you want Janni Gogolak dead.
Oz: No thatís where youíre wrong. I donít want anybody dead.
Jimmy: Well if we donít make Janni Gogolak dead, heís gonna make you dead. The Gogolakís do not like to leave witnesses lying around.
Oz: Oh, so now heísÖ.Damn it, Jimmy! Why the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?!
Jimmy: Oz, do know what kind of soil I have in this backyard? Iíve been here two days and Iíve got little tomato plantsÖ
Oz: OH MY GOD!
(Niagara Falls Ė Hotel Room)
(Sophie is having sex with some guy. She appears to be enjoying it. But she stops right in the middle of everything and looks down at the guy.)
Hanson: Hey, whyíd you stop?
Sophie: Are you doing it tonight?
Hanson: Tonight, whenever, letís go, kick it into gear here!
Sophie: For ten thousand?
Hanson: Wait a minute, you said we were doing this for fifteen.
Sophie: I changed my mind. But if you think I should go and try and find somebody elseÖ(moves to get off of him)
Hanson: (stops her) No, no! Listen, why donít we make it twelve five.
Sophie: I can live with twelve five, just as long as my husband doesnít.
Hanson: He wonít.
(They go back to having sex.)
(Jill answers the door to see Frankie standing there.)
Frankie: You must beÖ
Jill: Jill St. Claire. And can I just say Mr. Figueroa that I think the job you did on Kevin Vincent, that and the Ronald Abrams hit, they were just works of art.
Frankie: Well, I see youíve done your homework.
Jill: Well I keep a scrapbook.
Jimmy: (walking up) Frankie.
Frankie: Whatís up man?
Jimmy: (to Jill) Honey, why donít you go get Oz. Weíll all run through this one more time. Make sure we know what weíre doing.
Jill: Okay. (walks off towards Ozís house)
Frankie: Cute kid.
Jimmy: Got definite potential.
(They watch as Jill falls down the hill.)
(Oz sits alone in his living room. There is a knock at the door and he goes to answer it.)
Jill: Time to rock and roll.
(Frankie and Oz wait with two cars while Janniís plane arrives. Janni, his goons, and Cynthia all exit the plane. Oz and Cynthia exchange a look. Janni goes over to Ozís car and the rest of the group goes with Frankie. Janni stands by the passenger side door, making no move to get in, while Oz continues over to the driverís side. Seeing that Janni is not getting in Oz makes a complete circle around the car and opens Janniís door for him. Janni gets in and the Oz goes over to the drivers side and gets in himself and starts the car.)
Janni: You know I got this same car.
(They take off for Ozís house.)
(Itís night now and they are waiting for Jimmy to come home. Jimmyís car pulls up and Jimmy gets out.)Janni: All right, nobody move. (someone moves and something falls) Everybody, quiet! (Jimmy goes inside his house.) God, Iím gonna love this.
Oz: So now what do we do?
Janni: Now we wait untilÖ(long pause)Öheís asleep.
(Oz is sitting on some stacked tires and they begin to fall, but he tries to brace himself to no avail as everyone watches.)
(The group watches as Jimmyís bedroom light goes off.)
Janni: Sweet dreams, Jimmy. Letís get started.
(Jill is watching Ozís garage from the window. She sees a car pull up on the road.)
Jill: Weíve got company.
Jimmy: Anyone we know?
Jill: Ozís wife, and some guy.
Jimmy: Probably a replacement, the new hitter. (sigh) Well, thereís nothing we can do about it now. Keep an eye on them.
Jimmy: (walking away) Love those pants on you.
(Jill smiles with delight.)
Hansen: So what is he, a bad guy, your husband?
Sophie: No. Actually everyone seems to like him. Which may be the thing I hate most about him.
Hansen: All right, so letís go over this one more time.
Sophie: What the hell for?
Hansen: I just want to make sure we get everything right. Now, is there any particular way you want him to die?
Sophie: What do I care? Iím out of the country shopping for my funeral dress.
(They both laugh.)
Janni: Dentist, get the blinds. (pause while he waits for Oz) Today!
(Oz quickly closes the blinds. The goons pull out some suitcases which have guns hidden in them. Oz makes eye contact with Cynthia and motions that he needs to talk to her, after a moment Cynthia catches on.)
Cynthia: Oh god. Of all the timesÖ(gets up and addresses Oz) Youíre married, right?
Cynthia: Does your wife have anyÖ
Oz: Feminine products? (she nods) Yes, yes she does. Theyíre right through there. Iíll show you where they are.
(They both move towards the door, but Janni stops Oz.)
Janni: Donít bílong.
Oz: Donít bílong?
Janni: (clarifies) Donít be long.
Sophie: So, you make a little noise, he gets out of bed, he comes to see what the problem is, and you make him dead! Okay? You understand me?
Hansen: The dead part?
Sophie: Then you ransack the house a little bit so it looks like a bad burglary, and you get your ass back in this car, and we drive like hell back to Niagara Falls.
Hansen: Where youíre gonna pay me my other 5,000 dollars?
Sophie: My motherís there waiting with it.
Hansen: Wait a minute! Your mother, she knows about this?
Sophie: My mother wants this to happen almost as much as I do. And I really, really want this to happen.
(She reaches down and unzips his fly.)
(Oz and Cynthia run into the bathroom and shut the door.)
Both: Theyíre gonna kill you! What?
Cynthia: As soon as theyíre done with Jimmy, Janniís gonna come after you. Thatís why I came here, so I could warn you.
Oz: Oh, thatís soÖ(he kisses her) Janniís not gonna kill anyone. Jimmyís over there right now waiting for him.
Oz: Jimmy and Frankie, theyíre inÖyou nowÖwhat do you call it?
Oz: Right cahoots!
Cynthia: And you, are you cahooting with them?
Oz: Well, I had no other choice. I had to pretend I was cahooting, but listen, IÖI have a plan.
(Oz and Cynthia open the door to the garage to see Janni and the goons, and Frankie waiting for them.)
Janni: Itís time. You two stay here.
(They exit the garage leaving Cynthia and Oz watching after them.)
Hansen: Hey, do you know these guys?
(Sophie leans up from his lap and wipes her mouth.
Hansen: (looks through binoculars) Who is that? Is thatÖJanni Gogolak?
Sophie: From the Gogolak gang. It might be. The guy they call Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí, he lives next door.
Hansen: Jimmy ĎThe Tulipí. Damn, this is a hit! (takes the keys) Stay right here. (he gets out of the car)
(The bad guys reach Jimmyís back door, only to find it locked. One of the goons picks the lock and they quietly make their way into the house. A TV is still on upstairs. They slowly make their way up the stairs. They position themselves outside of Jimmyís bedroom door, when suddenly the hall light is flipped on and Jill stands in the doorway of one of the other bedrooms buck naked.)
Jill: Hi. Are you guys looking for someone?
(They all just look at her. The two goons stare with their mouths open. Suddenly they are both shot from within Jimmyís room. Janni goes to shoot Jimmy, but Jill manages to shoot him in the chest. Jimmy walks through the broken glass of his bedroom door.)
Jimmy: Hi Janni. (to goons as they fall down the stairs) Watch your heads. (The goons lie at the bottom of the stairs and donít move. Janni is still alive and Jimmy goes over to him.) You know this whole sneaking in the house to try and kill me? (smiles) You guys are really good at it. You really are. Good-bye Janni. (He shoots Janni a final time and Janni dies.)
(At that moment Cynthia and Oz run out of Ozís house and jump into the car and drive off.)
(Hansen watches them go from the front yard.)
(Jill watches this from the window.)
Jimmy: Whatís going on?
Jill: Oz just took off with your wife, and Sophieís hitter is right outside.
Jimmy: All right, Iíll take care of it. (looks down at her state of nakedness) You should get dressed.
Jimmy: (has a thought) You know what, better yet stay just like that. In sixty seconds stick your head out that window. (walks towards the door) Hey, nice work.
Jill: Thanks Jimmy.
Jimmy: Iíll be right back. (goes downstairs)
Frankie: (walking up to the doorway and seeing Jill) You know I canít think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun. And you just all kinds of fine, now ainít ya?
Jill: (shakes her gun at him) Donít get any ideas.
Frankie: (winks and turns and goes downstairs) Seriously sweet ass.
(Hansen is still staring in bewilderment after Ozís car. He hears a noise and looks up and sees Jill open the window.)
Jill: Can I help you?
(Hansen smiles at her nakedness. Suddenly Jimmy comes out the front door and shoots Hansen several times.)
(Sophie screams in fright as she sees this. She quickly moves over to the drivers side, but the keys are gone.)
Jimmy: (to Jill) Now you can get dressed. (she nods)
(Sophie quickly gets out of the car and runs off into the woods.)
(Jimmy comes back in as Jill comes down the stairs wearing one of his shirts. Frankie comes in behind Jimmy carrying Hansenís body.)
Frankie: Where do you want this?
Jimmy: Put it right over there.
Frankie: All right.
Jimmy: (to Jill) What was Oz doing running off with my wife like that?
Jill: I can beep him you can ask him.
Jimmy: Beep him.
(Frankie discovers that Hansen is a cop and he holds up Hansenís shield for Jimmy to see.)
Frankie: Now ainít this some shit?
Oz: All right, maybe he wonít come after us, you know? Maybe heíll just let us go. (Cynthia gives him a look) Okay, maybe I can talk to him, reason with him. I mean, weíre friends now right?
Cynthia: Thatís what Harry Lefkowitz thought.
Oz: What happened to Harry Lefkowitz? (Cynthia gives him another look) I donít want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.
(His beeper goes off and he jumps.)
Cynthia: Itís your beeper.
Oz: I know. (he checks it) Itís Jimmy.
(Oz is at a phone booth.)
Oz: (into phone) Jimmy, itís me.
Jimmy: (into phone) Oz, what the hell were you thinking taking off with Cynthia like that?
Oz: (into phone) Iím sorry. But I canít let you kill her.
Jimmy: (into phone) What do you mean you canít let me kill her? What do youÖitís got nothing to do with you.
Oz: (into phone) Jimmy, Iím in love with her.
(Cynthia gives him a look of amazement.)
Jimmy: (into phone) Look, I donítÖwhat did you say?
Oz: (into phone) I love her.
Jimmy: (into phone) (laughs) Will you listen to yourself? What are you talking about, you love her? You just met her. (to Frankie) He says heís in love with Cynthia.
Frankie: (laughs) No shit?
Jill: (walking in) So sheís the one.
Jimmy: Sheís the one what?
Jill: The one he schtooped in Chicago.
Jimmy: The one heÖ(into phone) My wife? (angry) You schtooped my wife, Oz?
Oz: (into phone) I wouldnít exactly, necessarily phrase it that way.
Jimmy: (into phone) (angry) No, wait, wait, wait. You went to Chicago and you engaged in sexual congress with my wife? Is that what youíre telling me? (Jill tries to get the phone away from him.) (really angry) Is that isÖis that whatÖ
Jill: Jimmy, let go. Calm down.
Jimmy: I swear to godÖ.
Oz: (to Cynthia) Heís a little upset. Iíve managed to upset a mass murderer.
Jimmy: (into phone) Tell me where you are! (to Jill as she gets the phone away from him) Find out where he is. Just stay right there.
Jill: (into phone) Oz? You stud you.
Frankie: Gonna be a dead stud.
Oz: (into phone) Tell Jimmy that I might have thought of a win, win way out of this. Now I know you guys got a couple of spare bodies lying around.
Jill: (into phone) Yeah, yeah, and get this, one of Ďemís a cop. (listens)
Jimmy: Whatís he saying?
Jill: (into phone while motioning to Jimmy to hang on a moment) Uh huh.
Jimmy: (angry) Whatís he saying! (Jill motions to Jimmy again to hang on a moment) Just tell him to stay where he is and Iíll be there.
Jill: (into phone) Okay, that sounds great. Iím just gonna run it by the boys and Iíll beep you right back. ĎKay, bye. (hangs up and turns to Jimmy) Jimmy, when was the last time you went to the dentist.
(Jimmy looks at her in confusion.)
Cynthia: You really meant it, didnít you? What you said?
Oz: About what, loving you? Of course. What did you think this was all about?
Cynthia: Sex! (off Ozís look) I mean great sex.
Oz: It was pretty good. Is that all this has meant to you?
Cynthia: Donít get me wrong, Oz, I like you, a lot.
Oz: Well thatís great to hear but Iíve got news for you. I donít usually go around risking my life for people that just like me.
Cynthia: Well I do like you. Then again, who knows, maybe, maybe this feeling Iíve been having in the pit of my stomachÖmaybe itís love? (Ozís beeper goes off again and he jumps) Itís your beeper.
Oz: I know.
(Oz gets up and calls Jimmy.)
Jimmy: (into phone) Yeah.
Oz: (into phone) Itís me.
Jimmy: (into phone) Iíll tell you one thing, you got balls.
Oz: (into phone) Yeah, who knew.
Jimmy: (into phone) Jill told me your idea. And, uh, I think itís worth a try.
Oz: (into phone) Jimmy, thank you.
Jimmy: (into phone) But just so you know I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.
Oz: (into phone) Believe me you are the last person in the world I would ever want to disappoint. But everything I did was for love.
Jimmy: (into phone) Yeah, whatever. See you at your office.
Oz: (into phone) Okay, give me an hour. Oh, and donít forget the corpse.
(Mr. Boulezís Boat)
Oz: Merci. Mr. Boulez, remember to floss. (Mr. Boulez says something in French.) (to Cynthia while handing her his beeper) Stay on the boat. Take this. If you donít hear from me in two hours, just go. Disappear. Leave the country.
Cynthia: Oz, be careful.
Oz: Iím Mister Careful.
(Ozís Office Building)
(Oz arrives and gets out of the car and heads towards the door when he hears a gun cocked at him. He turns and sees Frankie come around the corner. Frankie lowers his weapon.)
Frankie: Oz, I just wanted to make sure it was you. Everybodyís inside. By the way, quervos grandes amigo.
(He opens the door and walks in only to see Jimmy raise his gun, and then lower it.)
Jimmy: The great and powerful Oz. I wanna get started.
(X-rays of Jimmyís teeth are taken. Oz examines them and then goes to work on Hansen. Frankie holds Hansenís head still while Oz pulls the teeth. Jill pour some acid in a bowl and then lowers Hansenís hangs into it so that the fingertips are burned off. Hansen is fitted with new teeth to make his x-rays look like Jimmyís. Oz goes into his office and picks up the phone and dials.)
(Mr. Boulezís Boat)
(The beeper in Cynthiaís hand goes off.)
Cynthia: So far, so good.
(They are now trying to get Hansen to stand up for the x-rays of his teeth. His legs wonít hold him up no matter how hard they try.)
Jimmy: Frankie, duct tape.
(Time lapse, Hansen is now duct taped to the x-ray machine. A few moments later the x-rays are developed and they are put up under Jimmyís to see if they are identical and they are.)
Oz: We did it. Yeah, I think weíre good.
Jimmy: (looks at Frankie) Bar-B-Q?
(Hansen and Janni are now in Ozís car. Frankie is dousing the car with gasoline while Jill and Oz watch from Jimmyís truck. Jimmy stands by the driverís side window looking up at the stars.)
Jimmy: You know it really turned out to be a nice night. (Oz gives him an odd look.) Iíll be right back. (He goes over to Frankie, and they light a bottle of alcohol that he has.) Who does this remind you of?
Frankie: Old Charlie, baby.
(Jimmy tosses the now burning bottle onto the car, and it goes up in flames. He and Frankie head back to Jimmyís car and get in.)
Jimmy: All right. Okay.
(They take off.)
(A few days later a police car pulls up in front of Ozís office building. Oz is working on a patient when Jill walks in with two agents.)
Jill: Doctor, these men need to see you.
Oz: (to patient) Excuse me.
Oz: Right this way, gentlemen.
Sgt. Beukanen: Dr. Oseransky, Iím Sergeant Beukanen, this is Officer Morrisy.
Oz: Yes, well what can I do for you?
Morrisy: Are you the owner of a brown Toyota Carrola. License number, zed-s-j-9-5-9?
Oz: Yes, is there a problem?
Sgt. Beukanen: Do you know where your car is, sir?
Oz: I lent it to my neighbor, he went fishing.
Sgt. Beukanen: This neighbor, he got a name?
Oz: Jimmy Jones.
(The agents exchange a look.)
Sgt. Beukanen: Would you mind taking us to his place of residence?
Morrisy: Your car was found by the grain cylo at the old port. Two bodies were inside, thereíd been a fire.
Oz: Oh my god.
Sgt. Beukanen: The extent of the burns made any normal identification impossible, so dental impressions were taken.
Morrisy: And from the dental records we were able to establish that the bodies were those of one Janni Petor Gogolak and James Stephan Tudeski.
Sgt. Beukanen: Both of them were big shots in a Chicago crime syndicate.
Oz: And you think this JamesÖ
Sgt. Beukanen: Tudeski.
Oz: Öis the Jimmy I know?
Morrisy: Well thatís what we intend to find out.
(The guys arrive and get out of the car. Morrisy spots Hansenís car nearby.)
Morrisy: Isnít that Hansenís car.
Sgt. Beukanen: Go have a look.
Morrisy: Uh huh. (walks off)
Oz: Whoís Hansen?
Sgt. Beukanen: One of our men. He was on an undercover assignment. There was some concern earlier because he failed to check in this morning.
(They go inside the house.)
(Hansen finds a tape recorder in Hansenís car. He picks it up with a handkerchief and presses play.)
Hansen: (on tape) Wait a minute, your mother, she knows about this?
Sophie: (on tape) My mother wants this to happen as much as I do, and I really, really want this to happen.
(Oz and Sgt. Beukanen are in the kitchen looking down at something. Morrisy runs in with the tape recorder.)
Morrisy: Itís Hansenís car all right, but no sign of Hansen. But I found a tapeÖ
(Sgt. Beukanen motions for him to look down and we see that the bodies of Janniís goons are lying on the ground.)
(Time lapse. Several cop cars have arrived. Everyone is standing outside.)
Sgt. Beukanen: Dr. Oseransky, could you tell us where your wife might be?
Oz: My wife? She is Niagara Falls with her mother, why?
(Beukanen and Morrisy exchange a glance.)
Morrisy: Dr. Oseransky, I donít know how to tell you this, but it seems that your wife recently tried to hire a hit man to kill you.
Oz: A hit man? (they nod) Oh my god.
(Sophie has been found and brought in for questioning. Sheís a little dirty from her trip in the woods. She lights a cigarette.)
Cop: Thereís no smoking in here. (Sophie tries to show off her body to get him to allow her to smoke but he looks away in disgust.) So where is he, Mrs. Oseransky?
(Sophieís mother is being walked down the hall by a female cop.)
Cop2: Öhave questions for you and you better have answers.
Oz: (walking by) Hi mom.
Sophieís Mom: (to cop) You can ask me questions till youíre blue in the face, but until I talk to my attorneyÖ
Cop2: You spoke to your attorney, he doesnít want to have anything to do with you.
(The cop pushes Sophieís Mom into another interrogation room.)
Cop: Special Agent Hansen, Mrs. Oseransky, what did you do to him?
Sophie: It wasnít me.
Cop: We have your voice on tape, his written reports. We know you tried to hire him to kill your husband. So what happened? He tried to back out? He tried to back out, and you killed him.
Sophie: None of this would have happened if that girl had only done her job.
Cop: What girl?
Sophie: Jill! My husbandís receptionist.
Cop: Oh yeah? What, is she a contract killer too?
Sophie: Yes! I hired her! Sheís the killer! (begins to fake cry)
(The cop rolls his eyes, and looks at the mirror.)
(On the other side of the mirror stand Beukanen, Morrisy, and Oz.)
Oz: This would be sad if it wasnít so pathetic.
Sgt. Beukanen: Do you want to talk to her?
Oz: No, no I donít think so.
Morrisy: I donít blame you.
Oz: Do you guys know a good divorce lawyer? (leaves)
Sophie: She did it! Sheís a killer! You have to believe me! (fake cries some more)
(He and Cynthia are in the car.)
Oz: Okay, donít worry Iíve got all the Iís dotted and the Tís crossed.
Cynthia: Yeah, well Jimmyís got his own way of spelling.
Oz: I will take care of Jimmy. Youíre never gonna have to see him again. While you and Jill are at the bank getting the money, Jimmy and I will be at the Fine Art Museum.
Cynthia: Jimmy at a Fine Art Museum?
Oz: Thereís people at a Fine Art Museum. Heís not gonna try anything.
Cynthia: All right, if you say so.
(Jill and Jimmy are waiting. Oz crosses the street and joins them.)
Jimmy: Whereís Cynthia?
Oz: You and I are leaving. (he whistles for a cab) Then Iíll beep Cynthia, (to Jill) sheíll get in touch with you on that phone over there and tell you where to go.
Jill: Listen to him, Mr. Cloak and Dagger.
Oz: Iím being careful. Iím a dentist.
(He and Oz get in a cab.)
Jill: You boys play nice now.
(The cab leaves.)
Oz: (to driver) Take us to the Art Museum. (dials on cell phone)
Jimmy: You really think if Cynthia doesnít come through youíre gonna be any safer at the Art Museum?
(Cynthia is holding Ozís beeper as it goes off. She picks up the phone in the car and dials.)
(The phone rings and Jill picks it up.)
Jill: Hello? (listens) Yeah. Yeah.
Jimmy: I hope there was nothing special you wanted to see at the Art Museum today.
Jimmy: Because weíre not going to the Art Museum. Weíre going to the Marina.
Oz: The Marina?
Jimmy: Yeah. I rented a boat for the day. Isnít that right, Frankie?
(The drivers partition opens and itís revealed that Frankie is the one driving the cab. Jimmy laughs.)
Jimmy: See, Iím careful too.
(Cynthia is waiting as Jill arrives in a cab. Jill gets out walks over to her. They eye each other for a moment.)
Cynthia: Youíre Jill?
Jill: Nice to meet you.
Cynthia: Whereís your gun?
Jill: What makes you think I have a gun? (Cynthia just looks at her and so she pulls out her gun.)
Cynthia: Throw it in.
(Jill complies and throws the gun in the water.)
Jill: Do you have the certificates? (Cynthia pats her purse.) Letís go banking.
(Cynthia and Jill sit in front of a banker who is going over the paperwork.)
Banker: Everything seems to be in order. Where would you like the money sent?
Cynthia: Iíd like a wire transfer to a bank in the Camens. The account number isÖ
Jill: (to Banker) Could we have a minute please?
Banker: Iíll be right over there. (he gets up and walks away)
Jill: (to Cynthia) We could just walk away, you know? You and me. The whole ten million. So what do you think?
Cynthia: I thinkÖno, I know that if we did Jimmy would kill Oz.
Jill: So what?
Jimmy: Youíre a lucky guy, Oz.
Oz: Why would you say that?
Jimmy: Youíre about to find out if the woman you love really loves you. Want a beer? (Oz shakes his head no.) If it was me and I was in her position, Iíd take the money and run.
Oz: So what are you betting on?
Jimmy: Iím betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, Iíd really hate to have to kill you. (goes inside the boat where Frankie is driving)
Frankie: So when are you gonna do it?
Jimmy: Letís just make sure we got the money first.
Frankie: But you are intending to kill him? (Jimmy doesnít respond) Jimmy, listen, he was there! He was there when you killed Janni and a cop! Now I know you like this guy.
Jimmy: Yeah, I do.
Frankie: But heís got to go. And if you ainít prepared to do it Jimmy, then IÖ
Jimmy: Hey! FrankieÖFrankie! Letís not forget who youíre talking to, okay? Jimmy Tudeski may be dead, but he ainít exactly dead. You understand?
Frankie: Glad to hear it.
Jimmy: Just drive the boat.
Jill: Think about it Cynthia. Weíre talking about 5 million dollars a piece here. Is Oz really worth that much to you?
Cynthia: The thing isÖis uhÖI think I love him.
Jill: You think? You think?! Sweetheart, for 5 million dollars you better be pretty damn certain.
Cynthia: I am. Iím sorry, but IÖI love him.
Jill: (smiles) You do? Thatís the right answer. (to Banker) Yo guy! You can get back here now!
(The banker comes back over.)
(Jimmyís cell phone rings and he answers it as Frankie comes out to the deck.)
Jimmy: (into phone) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, yeahÖokay. Okay. (hangs up) We got the money. (pulls out a gun and aims it at Oz.) Bye bye Oz.
(Jimmy quickly moves and aims the gun at Frankie and fires several times. Frankie is knocked back into the water. Oz looks over the rail at the water.)
Jimmy: Sorry Frankie. I always liked you.
Oz: Why did you kill him?!
Jimmy: Well I had to kill one of you. (tosses the gun overboard)
Oz: Well then you definitely made the right decision! (Jimmy gets a beer out of the cooler and tosses it to him, but he pays it no mind and it goes overboard. Jimmy gets another beer out of the cooler for himself.) But why did you have to kill him?
Jimmy: Well, if I didnít kill you Frankie would have, and he would have thought that Iíd gone soft, and eventually come after me and the money. (sips beer)
Oz: So, what about me?
Jill: I want the bulk of the money to sent into this account right here. But I also want one million dollars to be placed in this account under the name of Dr. Nicholas and Mrs. Cynthia Oseransky.
Banker: (writing) One million dollars.
Jill: An early wedding present from Jimmy. (The banker looks up) Not that Jimmy. Can we have another minute?
(The banker nods and gets up and walks off again.)
Cynthia: Is this for real?
Jill: Yes this is for real, but in order to get the money you have to show up together and show them a copy of a validated marriage certificate.
Cynthia: Jimmyís giving me a divorce?
Jill: Donít you read the papers lady? Jimmy Tudeskiís dead.
(Both Cynthia and Jill smile.)
Cynthia: I donít know what to say.
Jill: When the times comes, just say ĎI doí. (to banker) Yo!
Jimmy: I donít know, maybe I am going soft. In the old days I would have definitely killed you.
Oz: Donít be so hard on yourself.
Jimmy: Or, maybe I have changed since my death.
Oz: I donít think thatís what it is.
Jimmy: What do you mean?
Oz: You love her, donít you?
(Oz just laughs.)
(They have docked the boat. Jill comes running down the walkway and she throws herself into Jimmyís arms. They kiss, happily, while Oz watches with a smile.)
Jill: Hey Oz. Cynthiaís waiting for you, she said youíd know where.
(Oz gets up to leave.)
Jimmy: (shakes Ozís hand) Say Hi to my widow for me, will ya? Take care of yourself.
(Oz leaves and Jimmy and Jill kiss again.)
(Cynthia is waiting out in front of the terminal. A hand turns her around and she smiles when she sees itís Oz. They kiss.)
Oz: Marry me.
Cynthia: (pulls back) Jimmy told you.
Cynthia: He didnít, did he? You justÖwant to marry me?
Oz: No, I just donít want to marry you. I want to marry you more than anyoneís wanted to marry anyone in the history of the world.
Cynthia: Then would I bet out of line if I told you that I love you. (they kiss) And said yes? I would love to marry you.
Oz: So, you wouldnít mind spending the rest of your life with a poor dentist?
Cynthia: Something tells me weíll get by.
(Cynthia and Oz are at a hotel in Niagara Falls on their honeymoon. They are both dancing goofily to the music.)