A thing of mesmerizing beauty, her name was Michelle. She was only 20 years old, while I was already approaching old age. I met her in Portsmouth, Ohio, my small Ohio-River home town which I had abandoned 35 years earlier when I had been Michelle's age, the river-town to which I had now returned. Not far from the banks of the Ohio, Michelle and I began seeing each other, and gradually she began appearing in my dreams. At first no more than a fleeting thought, she eventually provided the focus which I needed in my dreams.
Dream of:29 August 2007 "Freedom"
I was in my old college town, Athens (where I had attended college in hilly southeastern Ohio in the early 1970s), wandering around narrow little streets, like those found in compact European cities. When I spotted four or five male college students sitting on beds outside a house, I walked over and sat down on a bed with them. I didn't say anything at first, but gradually we began talking.
A woman (about 25 years old, who reminded me of a thin-lipped French actress I had seen in the movies) showed up and joined the conversation.
One fellow was lying under a cover and the rest of us looked on as he obviously began masturbating. The others acted as if masturbation were normal for him, but I commented that I had never seen anyone do something like that in front of other people and I mentioned that it was rather "disgusting." The fellow finally emerged from the cover (as if nothing had happened) and lay quietly on his back.
Today was the first day of classes at the college. I had come to Athens with the intention of attending classes, but I now realized I couldn't simply enroll and immediately start classes. I would, therefore, probably need to first find a place to inhabit for a while.
The others wanted to know more about me, and I told them I at present was just moving around from place to place. More than anything, I just wanted to be free and I specifically mentioned the word "freedom." When I told them I was a lawyer in Texas, but not in Ohio, they seemed somewhat impressed and one fellow asked me what I intended to study. He indicated that the campus was divided into different areas depending on the field of study and that I therefore needed to know which subjects I planned to study so I could find lodging in the appropriate area. I reflected for a moment. I really hadn't thought about it before, but I answered, "Languages."
I had already noticed that the woman had an accent, and when I said "languages", she suddenly seemed impressed that even though I was a lawyer I would want to study languages. When I asked her where she was from, she seemed a bit shy, but she responded, "France."
I quipped, "Je peux parler francais."
As I continued talking with her in French, she seemed to listen intently, as if she weren't quite sure what I was saying. When I told her that I knew my understanding of French wasn't perfect, but that I should be able to understand her if she spoke French, she started a little conversation with me in French.
We stood up and walked around together. Thinking my Spanish and German were better than my French, I asked her if she could speak Spanish and she responded, "No."
I asked, "Deutsch?"
When she said yea, I began talking with her in German. My German likewise wasn't perfect, but I was able to carry on a conversation.
After she and I sat down, I moved closer and closer to her until finally I started kissing her. As our passions became more and more enkindled, I realized I could probably make love to her. Even though we were outside and people could probably see us, I imagined myself climbing atop her and hunching her, and my imagination grew so strong, I found myself actually on top of her, hunching her.
As soon as I imagined unbuttoning her pants, I was actually doing it. I pulled off her blue jeans and panties, and when I imagined pulling off my pants, they were pulled off. I had an erection and I thought how embarrassed I would be if my erection vanished, especially since I could already feel it starting to fade. My problem: I was ready now, but at the moment of action, my erection might disappear. Therefore I felt the need to rush before my erection evanesced.
I lay down beside her, placed my hand on her pubic hairs, then groped farther until I could feel her vagina. I rolled my middle finger between the lips of her vagina and stuck in my finger. Not yet wet, just barely moist, she moaned, "You're hurting me."
I eased up, then inserted my finger again, until she interjected more emphatically, "You're hurting me!"
I eased up again. She was obviously going to allow me to make love to her, but I just couldn't be quick about it.
Emboldened, I began thinking how easily I could seduce women if I really wanted, how I could probably seduce any woman. Thinking I could surely seduce ugly women, I tried to remember an ugly woman whom I knew. I thought about George (a handy man who had sometimes worked for me in Portsmouth) and his girlfriend, Rochelle, who exemplified ugly women, as fat as she was.
To seduce a woman, I concluded I would only need to figure out what the woman liked and then start talking with her about that subject. Rochelle, for example, probably had no real interests, but she probably liked money, so I would only need to start talking with her about money.
I wondered who else I could seduce and Michelle passed through my mind. If I really wanted, I imagined I could even seduce Michelle. I only needed to find out what Michelle liked and start talking about it.
Michelle had blonde hair, big brown eyes, and an enticing body. She seemed so young and beautiful, the idea of my seducing her seemed preposterous. Besides her beauty and our vast age difference, our levels of education separated us. I was a licensed attorney, Michelle a high school drop-out.
That Michelle and I would experience a torrid physical engagement seemed ludicrous at the time. When I thought about Michelle, however, I thought about sex.
In May 2006, Michelle had knocked on the front door of my new home in Portsmouth, the 17th Street House. I had recently bought the sturdy two-story frame House and was refurbishing it for resale. When Michelle came to the House looking for the former residents, she and I struck up a conversation, and since I was in the process of cleaning out the House, Michelle offered to work for me. I employed her for a few days, then laid her off. We didn't meet again until she unexpectedly showed up at my door, well over a year later, in August 2007, in need of money. I was happy to help her and almost without my realizing it, she slipped into my life.
Dream of:03 September 2007 "Slipped In"
I had just stepped out the front door of my 17th Street House in Portsmouth and I was about to board my white 1999 Ford Escort parked in the side driveway, when Stephanie (a black-haired woman probably in her mid 30s who lived in the house next door) said something to me from her front yard. When I looked at Stephanie, she said Michelle (Stephanie used a different name for Michelle) was in my House. I looked at Stephanie incredulously. I hadn't seen Michelle in several days and I had been trying to find her. I had just been inside the House, and although several other women were in the House, I hadn't seen Michelle. When I asked Stephanie how Michelle had entered the House, she wasn't sure, but it looked as if Michelle must have slipped in through the back door while I hadn't been looking. I thought that Michelle might have been intoxicated and that she hadn't wanted me to see her in that state. That theory would at least explain how Michelle had avoided my seeing her. I still, however, found Michelle's presence in the House hard to believe.
Michelle's presence was a shock to my system. I lived alone, and although a lawyer, I didn't practice law. I had spent part of my youth in Portsmouth, a town of about 20,000 inhabitants, where I had also attended school from grades 6-12 and my first two years of college before drifting away. Now I had returned, and besides the 17th Street House, I had purchased several rental houses on which I sometimes worked.
I had family ties in Portsmouth. Besides my parents, my sister (my only living sibling, a little more than six years my junior) lived in Portsmouth. In many respects, however, my family had disappeared from my life and I wouldn't have been surprised to see Michelle likewise quickly disappear.
Dream of:17 September 2007 "Disappeared"
Michelle and I were at a house in the country. I was confusing Michelle with my sister, thinking Michelle's name was "Linda." I didn't even see her face; I only saw her back as she walked outside and started to circle around the house.
I had earlier noticed a slender fellow (around 30 years old), whom I barely knew, hanging around the house. When Michelle disappeared around the corner of the house, I suddenly had a horrible feeling the fellow had done something to her. It seemed as if other members of my family had likewise disappeared and all at once, I feared that the fellow was killing everyone, and that I would be the last one he would kill. I started walking around the house, hollering, "Linda! Linda! Answer me or I'm going to leave!"
I thought since she had disappeared around the corner of the house just a few seconds ago, she must be able to hear me. I concluded her failure to answer meant something had happened to her. I didn't want to abandon her, but I realized if I didn't leave immediately, the fellow would kill me next. Since the house was surrounded by forest, I thought I could dash into the woods and slip away. Obviously, something had happened to Michelle.
More and more often, Michelle showed up unexpectedly at the 17th Street House, always in need of money, then disappear. I didn't want to abandon Michelle at the beginning, even though I sensed from the start something was amiss with her. I slowly learned more of her past. She was illegitimate and had experienced an unstable childhood, given up by her mother (when Michelle was 11 years old) to another woman named Carol. In many ways, Michelle seemed like an orphan.
Dream of:21 September 2007 "Orphan"
I was in Portsmouth, on the south side of Eighth Street, across the street from the cottage where George (my Portsmouth handy man) used to live. I was loading some big pieces of plywood onto a truck and I was holding a piece of plywood in my hands. As soon as I set the plywood down, the view in front of me opened up as if a curtain had been drawn, revealing blonde-haired Michelle standing before me, staring endearingly at me with her effulgent brown eyes.
The sight of her surprised me because I had just seen her a short while ago when I had given her some money. I wasn't sure if she was wanting more money or what.
Although she was her normal age (about 20 years old), she looked like an unkempt orphan. She wasn't smiling. Her face was smudged with black coal-like grime and her hair was tied back in a pony-tail. Wearing a light-colored pull-over shirt and a pair of pants, she looked like a little abandoned waif.
I wasn't sure what she wanted, but there she was, as clear as could be.
Although Michelle resembled an orphan, in reality, she was stunningly beautiful. About five feet tall, she had a splendid figure. Just looking at her was pleasurable. And although Michelle was supposed to be working for me, she did little work; I mostly paid her simply to be with me.
I myself was working, personally installing a metal roof on the 17th Street House. Michelle never helped with the roof, but she would spend time with me when I wasn't working. I loved her company and I was overpowered by her outer beauty. Her inner world, however, wasn't quite as pretty. Something inside her was definitely amiss, and only slowly did I think I had uncovered what was possessing her.
Dream of:24 September 2007 "Possessed"
Michelle (dressed in working clothes) had been helping me put a metal roof on a house. She would fetch the metal for me, and I would fasten it to the roof. At first we had no problems and the work continued apace. Toward the end, however, as Michelle and I were both standing on the edge of the roof, looking at the finished job, I began to feel uneasy.
At the same time we had been laying the metal panels, we had also been spelling out words and forming sentences vaguely visible in bold black letters at the bottom of the metal panels. Michelle had been responsible for most of the spelling of the words and the grammatical construction of the sentences. As I now read over the words, I was disturbed by what I was reading.
The problem was not the content of the sentences, but their grammatical construction. I would read a few words which would make sense, but then the grammatical structure would lapse, and I was unable to assemble all the words coherently. My unease increased to a sickening feeling because the faulty sentences seemed to indicate Michelle's mind wasn't functioning correctly, and I didn't know how to deal with the problem. Something was wrong, but I couldn't precisely say what. I almost had the feeling Michelle was possessed by something which had hold of her spirit.
Michelle's mind definitely wasn't functioning correctly, although she certainly didn't seem insane. Saying that something had hold of her spirit was a more apropos analogy. Something did have hold of her spirit.
Except for the sparse work she effected for me, Michelle hadn't been employed more than a couple weeks her entire life: a few days as a dishwasher, a busboy, and a telemarketer. Although intelligent, she had dropped out of school in the eleventh grade. As I thought I needed to know more about her, I wondered what kind of reputation she had in the community.
Dream of:25 September 2007 "Bad Reputation"
While I was in the 17th Street House, someone came to the door, and when I opened the door, I found two men standing on the porch. I walked out and began talking to a thin black-haired fellow (probably in his mid 30s) with a long angular face. He said that they had come to pick up the car, and that they had bought it for junk for $200. He displayed papers regarding the purchase of the car.
He was referring to a big old brown car sitting in the vacant lot next to my House. I knew the car belonged to Michelle, but I hadn't seen her for a while, and I didn't know anything else about the car.
The men had parked a wrecker in front of the House. As the other man (carrying small metal ramps used to drive a car up on) headed out to the car beside the House, I continued talking with the thin black-haired fellow. The situation seemed a bit strange and I wanted to find out more about how they had come to be there. The fellow said something about his boss, then mentioned something about Michelle's "pulling tricks" with his boss.
I was stunned. From the fellow's innuendo, I inferred that Michelle might have been selling her body for money. I was disturbed to think she might have been abasing herself and I definitely wanted to know more. Apparently Michelle, in a desperate situation, had been trying to raise money any way she could. As I tried to envision Michelle offering herself to the boss, I wanted the fellow to get to the point and tell me whether Michelle had actually offered herself for money. He raised his eyebrows up and down, as if to insinuate Michelle was in the habit of doing so. I desperately wanted to know if Michelle was frequently involved in that kind of business and if she had a reputation which this fellow knew about.
As the fellow told the story of how Michelle had gone to see his boss, he rambled on and on. His words were jumbled together so badly, I couldn't understand him and I had great difficulty following his narrative. After we had sat down on the front steps (with him on my left), I told him I was having trouble comprehending what he was saying. He said he was "nervous" and he rambled on.
Although he said that he and the other fellow had come to my House the day before and that they had started up the car without problem, I could hear the other fellow at the side of the House now having trouble starting the car.
The fellow said that after Michelle had left his boss, she had needed to cross a body of water, and that she had taken off her clothes and jumped into the water. Finally, he clearly said, "She swam to Balfi."
Having no idea where "Balfi" was, I asked, "Balfi?"
He responded, "Yea.
The whole idea of Michelle's swimming across the water seemed macabre and the story seemed unfathomable. I thought I needed to know more about Michelle and what her life was really like.
I felt compelled to understand Michelle. As my feelings for her deepened, her power over me rapidly increased , and I soon found myself feeling somewhat like a prisoner, with Michelle the warden.
Dream of:29 September 2007 "The Warden"
I was in a prison where Michelle (about 20 years old) was the warden. She was generally nice to me, and when I needed something, I could usually go to her for help. I had a little card which looked like a driver's license on which she could authorize things for me. Just a short while earlier she had given me the authorization to go somewhere (perhaps to the amusement park, King's Island, in Cincinnati) but I had somehow failed to obtain the complete authorization, and now I needed to find her again to complete the authorization.
I passed through several prison checkpoints until I finally reached the room where Michelle was, and when I walked in, she was standing on a step-ladder. It looked as if she were painting and a cigarette dangled from her mouth. She was friendly when she saw me and she smiled at me. When I pulled out my card, however, she jokingly told me with a big good-natured smile that she wasn't going to give me any more authorizations. I responded, "Yes you will."
I looked at her and thought about how nice she was to everyone. I thought she might even be in jeopardy of losing her position because she was too nice. She simply had an inherently good nature.
She climbed down from the ladder and took a seat behind a desk, and with her same pleasant attitude, she started asking me questions about what I wanted and why I needed the authorization. I answered, "You don't have to know every little thing that goes on."
She gibed, "Thanks, idiot."
Nothing in her appearance, but something in her actions resembled the warden Big Mama Morton (the character played by Queen Latifah in the movie Chicago).
I would have liked Michelle to be someone like Roxie Hart, the star of Chicago. Like Roxie, Michelle was beautiful and she had charisma, and like Roxie, Michelle could be a star. At least that was my fantasy. In reality, however, Michelle was more like Big Mama Morton. Unlike Big Mama Morton, however, Michelle was absolutely beautiful.
Dream of:01 October 2007 "Absolutely Beautiful"
I walked into a bar, something I hadn't done in a long time. I thought I would like to circulate and experience something a little different from the usual. I had been seeing a lot of Michelle lately and I felt as if I needed a little change from her.
A fellow stood up right in front of me. An old friend who knew me well, he reached out his hand and pinched me on my right side near my ribs, so hard it hurt. I tried to pinch him back in the ribs to show him how it felt and I blurted, "Stop it!" Finally he stopped. He was friendly and he hadn't meant any harm.
I walked away from him and sat down on a bench. When the fellow walked back over next to me, I realized he was my good friend from my late high school and early college years, Mike Walls (although he didn't look like Walls). He was standing on my right and I invited him to sit down with me. I told him I wanted to tell him something, and he slid down on the bench next to me.
I wanted to describe Michelle to Walls, even though I knew that I couldn't tell him her name and that I couldn't give him any details about her. I effusively blurted, "I've been fucking this twenty-year old. Oh my God. She is absolutely beautiful."
I thought sometimes about beauty and how I wanted to create a thing of beauty. The concept of writing a beautiful story about Michelle flowered in my mind. I soon suspected that sex would be a central theme of the story. I wasted little time in exploring the subject, and I set to work: Michelle and I began having sex.
The idea of regularly having sex with a beautiful twenty-year old woman boggled my mind. Michelle's beauty had entranced me and I became obsessed with her. I couldn't seem to put her out of my mind. My emotions were in turmoil, electrified by Michelle.
Dream of:07 October 2007 "Electric Wires"
After waiting a long time in my 17th Street House for Michelle, who was very late, I finally walked out into the back yard. There was no fence between my yard and the vacant lot on the west side of the House, so I could see all the way around the west side, where I was surprised to see orange wires (almost like extension cords) hanging from the roof of the House all the way to the ground. I groaned as I concluded someone had been stealing the electric wiring out of the House.
When I examined the wire more closely, however, it looked as if the wire was being installed in the House, rather than being stolen. I had the distinct feeling that Michelle had been out there working and that she had been installing the wire for me. I concluded she must have been working all the way on the top of the House, on the roof, installing the wire.
Electrified, I thought of introducing Michelle to my family. My wealthy 75 year-old father still lived in Portsmouth atop a high hill which overlooked the Ohio River. The view from his house was magnificent -- no other house in Portsmouth sported such a vista.
My relationship with my father was fragile. He didn't understand me and he didn't seem to have any need to try, but I thought he might at least understand why I would want to associate with such a beauty as Michelle.
Dream of:10 October 2007 "Meeting My Father"
My pet Dalmatian Picasso and I were in the woods in a range of hills on the Ohio side of the Ohio River. I knew if I walked east along the hilltops, I would pass my father's home, which sat atop one hill, almost a mountain. Although I didn't want to come in contact with my father and I didn't want him to see me up there, I started walking along the high hilltops until I spotted my father's house up ahead of me.
As I made my way along the cliffs, I came across a gigantic mysterious room built right into the side of one hill. One whole side of the room was open, so the room was somewhat like a cave carved out of the rock. The room contained a huge pool of water, muddy (as if from a flood) and overflowing the side of the pool toward the open wall.
Picasso followed me as I entered the room and stepped down some steps into the water. I quickly sunk into the water up to my waist and when I turned around to climb back out, I saw Picasso swimming behind me. He seemed to be having trouble and as I climbed back up the steps, I had to help him out of the water.
Out of the water, still in the room, I stood beside the pool and looked back outside through the open wall to the vista before me. I could clearly see my father's house on the mountain. When a woman (about 20 years old) walked by in front of me, I wondered if I should stop her and speak to her. As I looked at her, I thought about Michelle. It occurred to me that I never really went anywhere with Michelle and I wondered whether Michelle would like to come up there with me and see where my father lived and what it was like up there in the hills.
Michelle did in fact meet my father, who (as I might have expected) did not approve of my relationship with Michelle. Since my relationship with my father was already strained anyway, I didn't think I needed his approval. Nevertheless, his lack of approval of Michelle weakened even further my relationship with my father.
Meanwhile, I struggled with the loss of control of my emotions as far as Michelle was concerned.
Dream of:12 October 2007 "Lost Control"
While I was in my big fancy car, Michelle showed up with a tall woman (who looked like a friend of Michelle's named Jackie). They wanted me to transport them somewhere in my car, but I didn't want to go, because I was badly intoxicated on something and I could barely function.
Only gradually did I comprehend the other woman was already in the back seat of the car with me, and I snapped out of my torpor long enough to realize the car was already moving down the road. When I saw a blonde-haired woman sitting behind the steering wheel, I called out, "Who's driving?"
All at once I realized Michelle was driving the car. I was flabbergasted: I couldn't allow Michelle to drive this car. That was out of the question. I immediately hopped over the front seat, forced Michelle to scoot over to the passenger side, and slid in behind the steering wheel. I grabbed the steering wheel and at the same time I tried to put on the brakes with my foot. As we rapidly approached a car in front of us, I tried to brake the car to keep from rear-ending the other car. I settled into the seat and tried to gain control of the car.
Although I had lost some control of the situation, Michelle still seemed to look to me for guidance, as if she were waiting for some direction from me.
Dream of: 13 October 2007 "Just Waiting"
I stepped out the front door of my 17th Street House onto the front porch. When I looked to my right, I saw Michelle sitting on the old car-seat which I kept on the porch. The seat was turned so it was facing me. Michelle, wearing light-green pants and a light-green shirt, ingratiatingly chirped, "I'm here, just waiting for you."
It was early in the morning. Apparently she had just arrived to work. I couldn't figure out why she hadn't knocked on the door and why she was simply sitting out there waiting. At any rate, I was happy to see her.
Only over long time did the idea that I was taking advantage of Michelle's naivetOnly gradually did I learn that almost all the money which I gave her was spent on drugs and that Michelle was living in a haze of drug addiction.
Dream of:13 October 2007 "Mehaze"
Michelle was standing at the bottom of the stairs in the front hallway of my 17th Street House. Several other people were sitting in the living room adjoining the hallway, and Michelle had been demonstrating to them how to take different drugs. I was appalled and deeply saddened to see what she was doing.
At the moment, she was preparing to demonstrate how to take a certain drug called "mehaze." She was holding a long coiled and twisted straw (probably longer than 30 centimeters). She intended to put the drug into a glass of liquid and then drink the drug through the twisted straw.
I stared at her. She was so innately beautiful. Seeing her do this hurt me so much. I hadn't known she knew how to take all these different kinds of drugs. I said sternly, "Michelle."
She looked at me as if I were old-fashioned and stodgy, and as if she knew all about this sort of thing. She gave me a defiant look as if to avow that there was no way I was going to change her, as if this was her way of life, and as if I could only observe.
In amazement I began to perceive how hazy, clouded, and foggy Michelle's mind had become. A central theme of Michelle's life was no longer a mystery: drug addiction. I witnessed Michelle's days become an endless cycle of procuring and using the drugs.
Dream of: 18 October 2007 "Something Disturbing"
I saw Michelle inside a house, smoking crack. When she walked out of the house, I said to her, "I saw something disturbing in there. I saw you smoking crack."
Michelle's drugs of choice were Oxycontin (an opiate pain pill with active ingredient "oxycodone") and Xanex (a nerve pill). Michelle was definitely addicted and she suffered severe withdrawal if she didn't have the drugs. I gradually perceived that the opiate and the nerve medication seemed to be having negative effects on Michelle. When I suggested she stop using drugs, she rebelled like the South against the North.
She didn't rebel, however, against continuing to share my bed with me.
Dream of:20 October 2007 "Rebellious Nature"
Michelle was in bed in my bedroom in my 17th Street House. She had been sleeping for a while and it was already late. I wanted her to get up so we could do some studying together. I knew she needed to study, but she couldn't seem to wake up. When I walked into the bedroom, I was surprised to see her awake, wearing panties and a tee-shirt, on her knees on the bed, with her head down on a pillow and her butt up in the air. I looked at her and said, "Well, you're not sleeping."
She turned her head toward me and playfully gave me the finger. Obviously she wasn't ready to get up and study. I commented, "I sense a certain rebellious nature."
I continued to encourage her to get up and study.
Even as our sexual activity continued apace, I hoped Michelle would obtain an education. Her education started out near the forefront of my thoughts of her, but somehow, her education didn't come into focus. As the depth of her drug addiction became evident, kicking her habit seemed to be more important than an education and we attended a few meetings of Narcotics Anonymous.
Dream of:23 October 2007 "Fishbone"
Michelle and I stumbled into a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous. Although Michelle appeared her normal age (20 years old), she didn't look like herself. I couldn't see her face clearly, but she had black hair instead of blonde. Since this was the second time we had visited a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous together, I was sure the black-haired woman with me was Michelle.
The meeting was simply in someone's apartment. When we walked in, we were unsure what to do, so we both sat down in the living room. I sat on the floor in front of a healthy-looking fellow (about 40 years old) who was sitting in a chair facing me. He began talking with me about whether I was actually a drug addict. I had recently been pondering this question, but I simply wasn't sure. As he and I looked at each other right in the eyes, I felt uncomfortable because he was on a higher level than I.
Michelle sat down on a couch against the wall behind me. She was pouting about something and she didn't seem to want to be there. Nevertheless, she began talking about sex and how I hadn't been having sex with her. Her comments were embarrassing because I didn't want to talk about our sexual relationship there. Her prattle became even more embarrassing when she started talking about different sexual positions. She distinctly mentioned one position called the "fishbone." I had never heard of this position and I tried to imagine what kind of position it was. I tried to imagine the bones of a cleaned fish, but I couldn't visualize the bones as representing any kind of sexual position.
Feeling uncomfortable on the floor, I finally stood up. Seven or eight other men were in the room (Michelle was the only female) and one fellow was lying on a couch. I told the fellow with whom I had been talking that I would like to sit in a chair and I walked back to the kitchen to fetch one. Just as I was about to pick up the chair, however, I realized some other chairs had been sitting around a dining table in the living room, so I walked back into the living room and picked up one of those chairs.
I placed the chair right in front of the man with whom I had been talking and I sat back down. As soon as I sat down, however, the seat of the chair somehow started moving (with me on it) in a circular motion all around the center of the room. I couldn't stop the movement, even though I fretted I might be disturbing the other people there.
Michelle seemed to appreciate the Narcotics Anonymous meetings, but her drug use did not abate. Neither did my having sex with her and I often thought about how I was as addicted to sex as Michelle was to drugs.
Meanwhile, Michelle and I began having problems and almost daily Michelle threatened to leave me. Leaving was difficult, however: she needed the money I gave her so she could buy drugs, just as I needed her for sex. I also needed her because I wanted to dream about her. She seemed to give me the focus which I needed in my dreams. I had never asked her if she wanted me to dream about her, but I sometimes read my dreams to her and I thought she wanted to be in my dreams.
Dream of:25 October 2007 "Threatening To Leave"
Michelle and I were having a spat. It seemed as if she were going to threaten to leave me if I didn't do something for her. She had been making these querulous threats more frequently and I was thinking of calling her bluff, because I didn't think she would really leave. At the same time, however, I realized the possibility existed that she would leave, and since I didn't want her to leave, I knew I would probably give in to her demands. We seemed to have reached an impasse: I didn't want her to leave and she really couldn't leave. Finally she blurted out, "Maybe I don't want to be in your dream."
I responded, "Ok, that's fine. Just stop threatening me."
My ability to interact with people must have been severely lacking since Michelle became the focus of almost all my social interactions. My goal of helping Michelle stop using drugs became twisted. I wanted Michelle to kick the drug habit and find a new life. Michelle's persona, however, seemed to suffuse itself ever more in me, and my own proclivities toward drugs seemed to beckon.
Dream of:25 October 2007 "A New Life"
After I had ingested some of the drug which Michelle was wont to use, I went to the college which Michelle had been attending. Today was her final day at college and I had come to pick her up. When I arrived, I walked into a spacious room where Michelle and other students were packing to leave.
After sitting down on one side of the room, under the influence of the drug, I mused at my surroundings. The drug was powerful and I was imbued with a pleasant feeling. Awash in a dreamy euphoria, I looked all around me, appreciating the effects of the drug. I liked it. I seemed to have found something with which I had immediately fallen in love.
Gradually, however, the effect of the drug diminished and I could feel myself coming down. After I stood up next to Michelle to help her finish assembling her things, she picked up a big plastic box, heaved it onto her back and started walking. As I walked along beside her, she started talking about how she was ready to start a new life. My mind, however, was on the drug and I said, "I feel like I want some more."
I was trying to think of the name of the drug. The word "laudanum" was in my mind, but I was unsure laudanum was what I had actually taken.
Even though we were regularly having sex, I had known from the beginning that Michelle was living with her 30 year-old boyfriend, Wayne, in a government subsidized housing complex. Her living with another man, however, did not stop me from loving her. At least I thought I loved her. I certainly felt an abiding desire to be with her.
Dream of:25 October 2007 "Wedding"
I had moved into a modest little house where Michelle and a boyfriend of hers were living. He was a brutish type (about 30 years old) and Michelle looked a little harder and a bit more detached than normal.
I looked out a window into the back yard. Several tree limbs had fallen to the ground and I thought I might go out and pick up the limbs.
I walked back toward Michelle's bedroom, stood in the doorway and looked inside. Michelle was lying on the bed on her back. The boyfriend (dressed in a yellow shirt and yellow pants) bumptiously brushed past me and entered the bedroom. When I asked him if he wanted to help me pick up the limbs in the back yard, he said no, that he wasn't going to do it.
He walked over to the bed and lay down next to Michelle. From my perspective, he was lying on the right and she was on the left. She was wearing a skirt pulled up so I could barely see her white panties.
The boyfriend and I continued talking about the fallen limbs, even though he clearly wasn't going to help; I would have to pick up the limbs myself. Then Michelle and he began discussing the limbs; they confusedly talked about who had asked whom to pick up the limbs. I couldn't understand exactly what they were saying.
Gradually the boyfriend forcefully wrapped his arms and legs around Michelle and held her tightly. The scene was somewhat erotic and I wondered if they were going to have sex right there in front of me. The thought of a ménage a trois even passed through my mind, but I really didn't like the idea and the erotic feeling quickly faded, replaced by a sickening pain as I realized Michelle was under the control of this brute. She looked directly at me several times. Her impassive glances were extremely poignant, because only now did I realize Michelle wanted to be under the control of the boyfriend. She knew she wasn't happy with this man and she wanted to escape, but at the same time she was submissive and she allowed him to control her. She defiantly looked at me as if to tell me she wasn't going to change. Her effrontery seemed to communicate to me that if I wanted to be with her, I would have to accept the way she was.
I had accepted it. But I didn't like it.
They continued talking and quarreling with each other, and as the boyfriend held her tightly, I heard him enigmatically puff, "I won't aid at your wedding."
My father continued to disapprove of my relationship with Michelle. Even though he and I didn't see eye to eye, I understood his concern. As close as I was to Michelle, I still didn't know what she really thought about me. I didn't know whether she cared about me or whether she was just using me. I didn't know where her heart truly was. I didn't know if I could trust her.
Dream of:25 October 2007 "Heart Examination"
I was in an appealing brick house where my mother was living. While she and I were in the living room, my father showed up and sat down. Although he and I hadn't been talking lately, a conversation ensued, and he indicated he wanted to know why I was so angry with him. He couldn't understand it.
He said he knew I thought he was evil. I knew I had dreamed about his being evil, and I thought someone must have told him about those dreams, although I wasn't quite sure how the word had circulated back to him. Obviously he was bothered that I would think him evil.
I decided it was time to tell him why I thought he was evil. Sitting straight across from him, I looked at him and told him that he had "destroyed the beauty" of the Gallia County Farm (a 386 acre hilly farm which my father owned in Gallia County, Ohio) because he had allowed the two sons of my step-mother (his third wife) to cut down all the beautiful trees on the Farm and reap the profit from the lumber. I told him I couldn't understand how he could have destroyed the Farm after he had always implied his family would inherit it. How could he have devastated the Farm for the benefit of my step-mother's children?
I could only see one possible justification for his having cut the trees: it was possible he planned to drill for oil on the Farm. If so, cutting the trees before drilling would make sense.
I knew by calling him evil, I would be cut out of any benefits from the oil. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to take that chance and to say what I thought. I stood up and told him I knew he had never intended to give me anything. I thought of pointing out that he had given me practically nothing in my life. I reflected on the red Honda Dream Motorcycle he had once given me, but I didn't want to bring up the motorcycle. Instead, I decided to talk of the things I still had which he had given me. I told him I only had two possessions which he had ever given me: a little pocket knife like the ones he handed out to customers in his car-port business; and an old pocket watch which had once belonged to his father, my grandfather Cole. Those were the only two items I had received from him.
He seemed surprised by what I had said, but he finally seemed to understand my anger.
I stood up and walked out of the house. It was raining outside. I walked around the block in the rain, then returned to the house, but remained outside. I thought I might go up into the attic and hide back in the recesses so I wouldn't have to be in contact with my father. I wondered what would happen if my parents came to the attic to look for me and if I jumped out of my hiding place and scared them. Fearing I might cause them to have a heart attack, I decided I probably shouldn't try that.
I sought shelter from the rain under a long wooden deck attached to the back of the house. As I sat in the grass under the deck, I could hear my parents inside, still talking about our problems. When they finally walked outside onto the deck up above me and hollered for me, I stepped out from under the deck to where my father could see me. He didn't look exactly like my father. He was probably in his mid 60s, stout and heavy (but not as fat as usual), and he looked a bit like the narrator from the movie, Rocky Horror Picture Show.
He walked down to where I was. In one hand I was holding a buckeye and a round piece of cardboard about the size of a bottle cap. When I raised my hand as if I were going to throw the buckeye (I only intended to throw the buckeye on the ground), my father mistakenly thought I intended to throw the buckeye at him. Frightened by my actions, he jumped back and started walking away. After I threw the buckeye and the piece of cardboard on the ground so he could see what I had, he realized he had misinterpreted my action and he walked back to me.
I wanted to leave again. I started walking way, but he walked along beside me. Suddenly he blurted out that he would go 50-50 with me on the Farm (apparently indicating his willingness to give me half the Farm). I burst out crying that he had already destroyed the Farm and I sobbed, "You destroyed the beauty."
At the same time, I thought 50% wouldn't be bad - at least I would have something. Immediately I also began thinking about Michelle, who I thought would be impressed to see me owning 50% of a big farm.
My father and I were walking straight toward a hedgerow of bushes. Just as I reached the bushes, he said he would give me 50% of the Farm in December if I would "demonstrate my love" for him right now. I wasn't sure I could do that, even though I wanted the 50%.
He brought up Michelle (whom he called "Vickie") and he said I was on the "poor boy's circuit." He was implying that although I wasn't that poor, I acted as if I were poor. He said Michelle, however, had realized I wasn't poor.
He added yet another condition to my receiving 50% of the Farm. He said he would have to wait until December to see if Michelle had tuberculosis.
He made another condition pertaining to Michelle. As he spoke, he gave the Farm a name which I didn't fully understand: "________ Fountain." He said, "I will call the _____ experts to _____ Fountain." I couldn't understand the word before experts and he had to repeat the sentence three times until I finally understood he was saying, "I will call the heart experts to ________ Fountain." Clearly he meant he wanted to have Michelle's heart examined before he would give me a 50% interest in the Farm. I couldn't figure out why my father would want to check Michelle's heart.
Obviously, however, he wanted to check Michelle out. Apparently he didn't think she really cared about me and he wanted to have her heart examined. He clearly wanted to make sure about Michelle before giving me an interest in the Farm.
The Gallia County Farm had once been a major focus in my life. My father had inherited the Farm from his mother and his step-father and at one time I had hoped I would inherit the Farm from my father. That hope had grown dimmer over the years and all but disappeared after I formed my relationship with Michelle against my father's wishes.
Nevertheless, the intensity of my feelings for Michelle grew. Although her true feelings for me remained a mystery, and I had difficulty trusting her, I fantasized I would like to spend eternity with her, to be with her forever.
Dream of:27 October 2007 "Leaving The Switch Forever"
Michelle and I were talking about one of my empty houses, how someone could enter the house and stay there. She said, "If anybody gets in, they can leave the switch forever."
Apparently she was saying someone could turn on a switch in the house and leave it on permanently.
To think of spending eternity with Michelle was a little premature, especially since I grew to distrust her, and especially since I increasingly sensed a double personality (even multiple personalities) within her. Of course my own personality wasn't exactly unbroken either.
Dream of:27 October 2007 "The Double"
I was having a good time riding a small tricycle, pulling several people (including Michelle) along behind me. We were riding around on a big deck attached to the back of a house. When we reached the corner of the deck (which was high off the ground), I wanted to stop so I wouldn't fall off the edge, but the people behind me kept pushing. Finally, I jumped off the tricycle, which toppled over the edge of the deck down through a jumble of briers, brush and branches. I told the others that I had lost my tricycle and that we would have to climb down and retrieve it.
When we all walked back into the modern house, Michelle sat down on a couch and another girl sat down beside her. Michelle didn't look exactly like herself. She was very pretty, but not as beautiful as usual. As I stood admiring her, I reflected that if we ever went somewhere (like a bar) together, men would be constantly hitting on her. She had a potential if she ever wanted to try something like prostitution (although I wasn't exactly thinking of prostitution). I wasn't interested in helping her do anything like that, but she obviously had extreme potential in that area.
The girl sitting next to Michelle almost seemed like Michelle's sister, except she was plainer and plumper than Michelle. Yet in some ways, she almost seemed like Michelle's double. I knew both Michelle and the other girl quite well. I hadn't been paying much attention to the plainer girl, and she seemed a little upset because I had focused so much attention on Michelle. At the same time, Michelle wasn't paying as much attention to me as she had in the past. Michelle was treating me the way I was treating the plainer girl.
When I was ready to go outside, I walked into the next room and called for the plainer girl. She walked into the room, obviously disconsolate because I hadn't been paying much attention to her. Actually I was quite attracted to her and I realized I had sincere feelings for her. We moved closer to each other until our faces were almost touching. I kissed her, which I enjoyed very much.
I broke away from her and walked outside, intent on retrieving my tricycle. Instead of climbing down the side of the deck, however, I decided I would go around to the neighbor's house, would approach the bottom of the deck from the neighbor's yard and would come in on the ground under the deck.
I walked outside, boarded the car, and called back inside for the plainer girl to come out with me, but she didn't. Thinking she would probably come later, I drove off.
After driving a short distance down the street, I stopped at a corner where a bunch of young black kids (7-8 years old) were playing some kind of war game. I stopped for just a minute, and when I continued down the street, I heard someone singing in the back seat. I turned around and saw someone sitting back there. At first I thought the person was one of the black kids, but then I saw he it was a person about 30 years old. I wasn't even sure if the person was a man or woman.
I continued on until I reached the area where I wanted to get out of the car. I stopped, and just as I was about to step out, I noticed a black purse lying on the front seat. I started talking to the person in the back seat (apparently a man) and I asked him if he could help me, but he seemed unsure he wanted to help. I stepped out of the car and picked up a pair of tin snips off the floor board. When the fellow also stepped out of the car, I told him I wanted to go down into the brushy area to look for a purse which I had dropped. He now seemed willing to help and I asked him his name, which he said was "Michael." I handed the snips to him.
In front of us was a fence which we would have to pass. When he began trying to unlock a gate in the fence, I suddenly saw we were in the wrong place. When I told him so, he stopped trying to open the lock. I thought we needed to get back into the car and drive on around a little further to reach the right spot.
Michelle and I actually had little in common, except for my overpowering physical attraction to her. We both seemed a little lost. We were stranded and we didn't know where we were going. Much of the time we were stranded together.
Dream of: 28 October 2007 "Stranded"
When the bus on which Michelle and I were riding came to a stop, we climbed off. Standing outside the bus, I realized we had descended at a stop sign on a highway in the middle of nowhere. The bus was still sitting at the stop sign, but the doors were closed and Michelle and I couldn't get back on. No cars were passing and there was no place to hitchhike. We were stranded and I didn't know what to do.
A man pulled up in a sporty blue car and stepped out. Probably in his mid 30s, he was bald and wearing a short-sleeved shirt. I could see part of a tattoo under his sleeve. He walked up to us and asked if we wanted a ride. Suspicious of his intentions, I hesitated because I didn't know him. I thought Michelle and I together could probably handle the guy if we had a problem. After we walked over to the car, Michelle climbed into the front passenger seat and I got into the back.
I felt in my pocket to see what I could use for a weapon if the man tried to bother us. I wished I had a gun or a knife, but I only had a pencil. I thought at least I could stab the man with the pencil if I had to.
He drove off. I didn't know where he was going to take us, but I thought he might take us to his house. If we had a problem, I thought Michelle and I could simply jump out of the car, scream and run down the street.
Though the world might be blowing up around me, I was not only thinking of sex with Michelle, but wondering what others would think of my having sex with Michelle.
Dream of:28 October 2007 "Fleeting Thought"
Michelle and I were in a school cafeteria where other people were also sitting at tables. Michelle and I didn't really belong, but had somehow ended up there, and I wanted to leave. As Michelle and I sat at a table and talked with a third person, I wondered what would happen if I were to stand up and stick my penis in Michelle's mouth right there in front of all those people. The thought was fleeting and I quickly returned to concentrating on getting out of the place. I still didn't even know why we were there.
Suddenly people began standing up and looking outside through some windows. I also stood up and looked out. I knew several bombs had gone off nearby earlier in the day, so I wasn't surprised to see 15-20 cameramen and reporters outside. They all appeared Asiatic.
I decided it was time for Michelle and me to leave. After she and I walked outside and past the reporters, I stepped up to a couple girls (probably in their late teens) and asked if there had been any more attacks. When they failed to answer me, Michelle and I walked on.
I continued to supply Michelle with money which she immediately spent on drugs, even as I still harbored the hope I would somehow help her quit drugs.
Dream of:02 November 2007 "Quitting Drugs"
After Michelle called me because she needed some food, I picked her up in my car and we went to McDonald's. After I bought some food for her, we returned to the 17th Street House and she walked in, carrying her little McDonald's bag of food. She headed straight into the living room, where she was supposed to do some work for me. When she started to climb up a ladder to begin working, I hollered to her and told her to eat her food first before she started working. I wasn't anxious for her to start working; I wanted her to sit down on the couch first and take it easy for a little bit.
I felt sorry for her, but at the same time I wanted to scold her because I had just given her $80 and she had gone straight out and spent every penny on drugs, the way she always did. Now she didn't even have any money left for food. I didn't say anything, however, because I knew she was getting ready to start a program to cut back her use of drugs, and this was the last day she would be spending that much money. Every day in the future she would be spending less and less, until she finally quit drugs completely. So I didn't want to say anything right then; I just wanted her to sit down, take it easy and eat her food.
Michelle and I spent most of our time together in the 17th Street House. Much of my previous life in Portsmouth, however, had been spent in the Gay Street House, a huge Victorian House in Portsmouth. Around December 1964, my father, my mother, my sister, my brother Chris and I had moved into the Gay Street House, where my father continued to live for almost 30 years before he finally sold the House around 2003. Much of my early character had been formed there.
Dream of:04 November 2007 "Money For Sex"
I was standing on the corner of 8th and Gay Street in Portsmouth, in front of the Gay Street House. This house, however, didn't seem exactly like the Gay Street House, and the city around me seemed much larger than Portsmouth.
As I looked across 8th Street, I saw Mohl (a Portsmouth resident whom I had known since the 1970s) talking to a woman. He walked up to me and said he wanted to buy a "red" (apparently for the woman) from me. I knew he was referring to a certain kind of drug in the form of a red pill. Although I did indeed have some of these drugs (and I had sold some to friends of mine), I was selective in my selling of the drug and I definitely didn't want to sell any to Mohl. He seemed disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to sell him any and he said he would simply have to tell the woman "no." He returned to her, spoke to her, and they walked away.
After he left, I walked across the street to what looked like a little rest area which might be found at a highway rest stop. I walked up to a little building which was part of the rest area and I looked through the window. A thin fellow inside was handing a little packet of something to another person and I immediately knew the fellow was dealing drugs.
I could also see a couple beds inside as well as other household items sitting all around the room. Although the building was part of the rest area, it had obviously been taken over by a couple families who were squatting inside. Five or six people were sitting huddled together in one corner. I knew other people had previously taken over buildings like this and the police had run them off.
When I walked inside the room, determined to assert my right to be in this public place, the thin fellow selling the drugs slid out a window, and the other people likewise scattered from my presence. I thought about calling 911 on the cell phone which I was holding in my hand, but I decided this was no emergency warranting a 911 call. Nevertheless, I did want to call the police because I thought those people were taking over the place and should be kicked out.
I walked back outside (my pet Dalmatian Picasso was with me) and I headed back across the wide street (six or seven lanes). When I called Picasso to follow, he did so, but he was slow. We stopped, waited for a car to pass, then continued on to the other side.
When I walked back up onto the porch of the Gay Street House, my father was there. He and I sat down and began talking about the problem across the street. I told him I had already called the police and I was going to take care of the problem. He said the same kind of thing had been going on all over the city.
The conversation turned to where I had stayed the previous night -- the Ramada Inn. When he mentioned that the motel must have been expensive, I said, "Mine was $100 last night"
He responded, "Jeez, I hope you got a lot out of it."
I said, "I did. It was pretty good."
He looked at me with a knowing smile, as if he understood that I must have been with a prostitute if I had spent that much money. He was wrong, I didn't know why I had paid so much money for a motel room, but I knew I hadn't been with a prostitute. Nevertheless, I didn't elaborate any more for my father and I let him believe what he wanted.
I did, however, think about Michelle, and how I had lately been paying her a lot of money for sex. I had already told my father about Michelle, so he knew about her. I figured he must now be thinking I was seeing another prostitute. I didn't set him straight, so he didn't know I wasn't seeing anyone else besides Michelle.
Even though I was giving Michelle money for sex, I was deeply attached to her. I definitely did not think we were merely having a simple physical relationship. I felt as if I were having a spiritual affair with her which I hoped would have a positive outcome.
Dream of:09 November 2007 "Spiritual Affair"
I was in the Mabert Road House (a five-room rental house which I owned in Portsmouth). I was a renter in the House instead of the owner, and I was living in the House with Michelle.
While I was sitting at the dining table, an attractive tall thin black-haired woman (probably in her mid 30s) walked into the room. She was the owner of the House. She quickly asked me about my relationship with Michelle, and she wanted to know if the relationship was a "regular affair or spiritual." What she really wanted to know was whether I was having sex with Michelle, or whether Michelle and I only had a spiritual relationship in which I was watching out for Michelle. Unwilling to answer the question, I responded, "Its private."
She looked relieved. She said, "I've got to verify to the sheriff."
She indicated she had to make some kind of report to the sheriff about my relationship with Michelle. Although it appeared the report wasn't anything important, I still didn't feel like disclosing to the woman the extent of my relationship with Michelle.
Michelle's living with another man complicated our affair. I sometimes became jealous and my jealousy undoubtedly caused me to sometimes be cruel.
Dream of:18 November 2007 "Being Cruel"
Michelle and I had been together on a sandy beach located somewhere behind the 17th Street House. We weren't sure, but we thought Michelle's boyfriend, Wayne, might have been spying on us. Michelle went to her house, then came back and told me that Wayne had been looking in the sand for evidence that Michelle and I had been together. I was surprised because I knew Wayne generally wasn't suspicious of Michelle, and I wondered why he had become suspicious this time. Michelle said Wayne hadn't found any evidence, but he was supposed to return to the sandy area and look again.
As she and I continued discussing the matter, I detected she was worried and I wondered what it all meant. Finally Michelle said to me, "You're cruel."
I answered, "I suppose in my own way I am, but I'm trying not to be."
I understood that Michelle and I didn't have a "normal" relationship. We weren't family. Even though I didn't really want a normal relationship, I couldn't help sometimes imagining what a normal relationship with Michelle might be like.
Dream of:22 November 2007 "Vivid Imagination"
I was thinking of inviting Michelle to the home of my nephew Steven (my sister's son) for Thanksgiving. Most of my family would be there and I tried to envision how Michelle would fit in. I thought she might be able to talk with my mother, who would be present. She might also be able to talk with Steven's wife, Lynn, since Michelle and Lynn were close to the same age.
Wondering how Michelle would interact, I began to imagine a scene and my imagination became so vivid, I was actually watching Michelle. She began talking with my mother and started describing a house in which she (Michelle) was living. She talked about how the house could be decorated and fixed up, and about how "they" could help her. Apparently "they" referred to me and another man who came to her house and had a relationship with her. As she talked about how "they" could come to her house and decorate it, I thought to myself she was really saying, "They, meaning all the men I'd fuck."
I was often tortured by concern for Michelle's well-being. She seemed so young and foolhardy and I worried she was injuring herself. I often felt powerless to help her.
Dream of:23 November 2007 "Injured"
Michelle (only about 16 years old) and I were walking down a busy city street with five or six lanes which we intended to cross. A rule here, however, dictated that a person as young as Michelle could only cross at the corner, unless the person could look back down the street for a certain distance.
I grabbed her hand, looked down the street and was able to see the requisite distance. Since nothing was coming. I told Michelle to come with me across the street; but she refused to cross with me.
So we continued walking to the corner. By the time we reached the corner, the traffic on the street was heavy. Even though the light was green and the traffic was passing through the intersection, Michelle took off running by herself across the street. Thinking her name was "Kathleen", I screamed at her, "Kathleen!"
Paying me no mind, she ran heedlessly through the fast-moving heavy traffic. Suddenly a policeman began running after her, trying to stop her. She ran all the way to the last lane of traffic and ran between two cars. Suddenly something happened and I saw her lying on the ground. I couldn't tell whether she had been hit by a car or whether she had simply fallen down.
She was lying on her back. The policeman ran up to her, grabbed hold of her shirt and pants, picked her straight up into the air and began carrying her back toward me. I was aghast. There was so much traffic, I couldn't even step into the street. I didn't know whether Michelle had been badly injured or whether she had just slipped and fallen. I waited as the policeman carried her toward me.
I often thought of leaving Michelle and I sometimes contemplated telling her I wasn't going to see her any more.
Dream of:09 December 2007 "No More"
I had been to a meeting where several women (about 20 years old) had been present. After the meeting broke up, the women walked outside to board a car. I also went outside, stepped up to one slender woman (with long black hair) who particularly attracted me, and asked her to let me take her home.
She stood coyly in front of me. In a friendly way she said something about Michelle, and I knew she knew I had been seeing Michelle. But I also knew Michelle and I weren't seeing each other as much now, and I responded, "Michelle's no more."
The woman hesitated, as if she might be somewhat interested in going with me. She backed off, then stepped up close to me and asked, "Am I supposed to do 'that something else', too?"
I wasn't sure exactly what she meant by "that something else", but she puckered her lips and gave me a fleeting kiss on my lips. I enjoyed the kiss, but I was uncertain what she was trying to say to me by kissing me that way.
As she backed away, I playfully begged her to go with me, imploring, "Please go with me."
Our interlude seemed innocent. I just wanted her to go with me.
Michelle's continued use of drugs was the main reason I contemplated leaving her. She simply refused to stop taking the "crap."
Dream of:10 December 2007 "Crapule"
While I was at an apartment where Michelle was living, I helped her clean out a big long closet. She stepped out of the closet, and as I waited for her to return, other people began showing up and they also waited in the closet for Michelle. I counted 13 people, including young children. I wondered how they had fit into the apartment before the closet had been cleaned out.
When Michelle finally returned to the closet, she was much more animated than she had been when she had left. Wearing a silky gray shirt, she seemed happy, but she looked unhealthy and thinner than usual. She was carrying some food (which didn't look nutritious) and a Mountain Dew for one of the kids.
She and I walked out of the closet into the living room and we sat down next to each other on a couch. I thought she was sitting too close to me, considering how many people were in the apartment.
Judging from her ebullient exuberance, I quickly concluded she had taken a drug. When I asked her what she had taken, she dissembled that she hadn't taken any drugs, but when we scooted off the couch onto the floor, she admitted she had taken 12 milligrams of a drug called "crapule", which apparently was the same as cocaine.
I had seen enough. I stood up and headed toward the door. As I was ready to leave, I said to her, "I'll see you some day."
I wanted my statement to be vague, to imply that I didn't know when I would see her. I felt as if I just had to get away from her. Obviously she was again taking drugs all the time and I simply didn't want to be around her. At the same time, I felt a little guilty for having tricked her into confessing, and then immediately abandoning her. I felt as if I were somehow betraying her. I didn't really want to leave, but I abhorred seeing her on drugs all the time.
She was obviously upset that I was leaving and she said something about my getting "a long face." Just as I was about to walk out the door, she bawled, "I lost twelve pounds! I lost twelve pounds!"
She seemed to think her losing the weight was some kind of accomplishment. I had to admit, she looked thinner, but I continued out the door.
Sex became more intense and more pleasurable and spiritually I felt ever more wedded to Michelle.
Dream of:13 December 2007 "Wedding Day"
While I was in a bar, carrying a guitar hanging from a strap around my shoulders, someone said Hank Williams Jr. was at the bar. I spotted him. I had seen him before and I recognized him to indeed be Hank Williams Jr. (about 40 years old). He had a beard and was somewhat heavy-set.
Just as he was ready to start playing, I walked up to him, playfully confronted him and told him he couldn't be Hank Williams Jr. Not understanding that I was only kidding, he reached out his hand, grabbed me by the neck, and insisted he was indeed Hank Williams Jr. I, in turn, put my hand on his neck. I didn't want to fight him; I only wanted to clarify that I had been joking. When he finally grasped that I had only been playing with him, he released his hold. Obviously, however, he hadn't appreciated my joke.
After we each took a step back from each other, I told him I had seen him play music before. Since I was carrying a guitar, I thought I might even be able to play a little music with him.
As we continued talking, the subject turned to women, and he mentioned a woman he used to know. He had been having a relationship with the woman, but then she had married another man. He added, "I did her a whole lot of times the day that she married."
I thought his statement strange. Obviously he was saying he had had sex with the woman several times on her wedding day. I wondered if other men had had sex with her the same day.
I began thinking about Michelle and I wondered if I would want to have sex with Michelle on her wedding day if she married another man. I quickly concluded I would definitely like to have sex with her on her wedding day and I figured she would probably let me.
Although I felt strongly bonded with Michelle, I did not intend to marry her. After all, she was still living with another man. Having sex with a woman who was having sex with someone else presented problems. The health risk alone was enough to make me pause. Nevertheless, almost daily, I continued to dip into Michelle.
Dream of:16 December 2007 "Dipping Into It"
While I was with my mother in a house where she was living, Harmon (only about one and a third meter tall) walked in (Harmon was a handy man who had worked on several of my houses in Portsmouth). I had been expecting him.
After he had walked down a hallway to a bedroom where I was, I left him in the bedroom and I walked back out to the kitchen where my mother was. A few minutes later, Harmon walked into the kitchen (holding something which looked like a Q-tip) and announced it was "dark red."
I realized that while he had been in the bedroom, he had taken a test for AIDS. A streak of color on the Q-tip gave the result. A blue color would indicate a negative result, while a red color would indicate a positive result. Continuing to talk about his result, Harmon said on a scale of one to ten, with ten being a positive indication of AIDS, his result was about an eight. He explained that his result didn't positively mean he had AIDS, but the result was definitely bad. He said this result was worse than the last test he had taken.
Astonished, I stared at Harmon. I knew both he and I had been having sex with Michelle. If he, Michelle, and I all had AIDS, we would have something that would bind us to each other and we would probably end up spending the rest of our miserable lives together. I was in shock.
Realizing I needed to take the test myself, I walked back into the bedroom, took one of the Q-tips and swabbed my teeth with it to get saliva on the Q-tip. I waited a few moments, then saw my result turning even darker red than Harmon's. I walked back into the kitchen and showed the Q-tip to Harmon.
My mother (probably in her mid 40s) was sitting at the kitchen table. She didn't say anything.
I was alarmed. I said my result was even darker than Harmon's. Referring to the frequency of my having sex with Michelle, I added, "That's because I've been dipping into it almost every day."
I took some risks, but I was confident I knew what I was doing. I just hoped I didn't simply have the confidence of a fool.
Dream of:22 December 2007 "A Fool"
Michelle and I were in the living room of a house in the country where we were expecting some people to show up for a party. Since no one was there yet, we decided to have sex. I walked around the room to make sure the doors and windows were closed or covered so no one showing up unexpectedly could see us. When a big double door which led to the outside flew open, I closed it.
When I had finished, Michelle and I lay down next to each other on a couch. We hadn't even taken off our clothes yet, when Michelle suddenly said she wanted to go back to town to a birthday party for a young boy who was one of her relatives. I complained that we hadn't had sex yet and that I wanted to have sex first. I wasn't sure whether she was going to give in, but I began to fear we weren't going to have sex after all.
Disappointed, I stood up and walked upstairs to look for my pet Dalmatian Picasso. A window in an upstairs room led out to a porch roof, and Picasso had climbed out the window onto roof. Seeing a couple other dogs also on the roof, I remembered I had earlier put the other dogs on the roof for some reason. As I looked at the dogs, one disappeared off the edge of the roof. I couldn't see where it had gone, but apparently it had jumped. I couldn't see Picasso now either, and I worried he might have also jumped off the roof and been injured or killed. I could just imagine his dead body lying on the ground below.
I climbed out the window onto the roof. Once I was on the roof, I began slipping so unexpectedly, I almost seemed to be imagining I was slipping. I tried to grab onto something, but there was nothing to hold to and finally I slid over the edge of the roof. Dangling over the edge, I was able to grab hold of a piece of metal roof, even though I was afraid I would cut my hand on the metal. Hanging over the edge, I placed my feet on a white wooden gate below. As I tottered on the gate, I hollered for Michelle. Confusing her name, I called her "Carolina." She quickly came outside to where I was and I hollered, "I'm falling!"
When she saw me holding onto the roof while my feet were on the swinging wooden gate, she laughed and good-naturedly said, "You're a fool."
As tempting as Michelle was, she and I would not be compatible living together.
Dream of:23 December 2007 "Living Together"
I wondered what would happen if Michelle and I were living together and we ran out of money. Would it be possible that she could become a prostitute and I could be her pimp? How could we do it? I figured she could get $100 a throw. Even if she only had one customer a day, we could make enough money to survive.
I began to fantasize we could both go to a bar and sit separately. If someone approached her, she could point me out and say to the man, "You want to talk to me, you talk to him first."
I knew a lot of men wouldn't want to talk with me about something like that, but those who were really interested would have to come to me, and I would make arrangements for them to be with Michelle.
Although uneducated, Michelle was intelligent, in some ways more intelligent than I. She could manipulate me like no one had ever been able to in my life. Especially when it came to money. She played a constant game of seducing money out of me, and usually she won.
Dream of: 26 December 2007 "Playing Games"
Michelle and I were in the playground area of a little park. I had just bought a chess game and I poured out the pieces onto the ground so we could play. I picked up some pieces, closed my hands, then held out my hands so Michelle could choose one hand. She did so, but when I opened my hand, I had pieces of both colors in the hand, so I had to start all over.
This time I made sure I had a white piece in one hand and a black piece in the other. The pieces looked like checkers instead of chess pieces, and they were so big, I couldn't get my hand completely around them. I knew Michelle could see which color I had in each hand because a little of each piece was sticking out the sides of my hands. She picked the white piece.
We started setting up our pieces on a board on the ground. I pointed out that another paper board had come with the chess set, but it needed to be cut out and affixed to a hard board. So we just used a chess board which happened to be at hand.
I looked at my pieces as I set them up. They were so unusual and intricately detailed, I had difficulty telling which pieces were the knights, the bishops, and the rooks. A couple pieces looked like wizards, one of which was holding a round crystal ball. The queen was holding a sword. I finally realized that each piece was different and that the two knights, bishops and rooks didn't match each other. I pointed this out to Michelle and I told her this game was therefore going to be more difficult than chess games which we had played in the past.
Michelle, however, had become distracted. It looked as if she had seen someone she knew over in the park area and she wanted to go speak to the person. As she walked away, I felt certain she was going to try to buy some drugs, but I couldn't stop her.
She walked away and I continued setting up my pieces. In addition to the pieces which went on the board, we had additional pieces which were supposed to be placed in extraneous little tents set up near the chess board. As I set up my little figures in my tent (they mostly looked like little toy action figures), I thought Michelle and I probably should have counted the pieces to make sure we each had the same number. One of my figures looked like a little robot only a couple centimeters tall. When I tried to set it up, however, its feet fell off and disintegrated.
To my surprise, when Michelle quickly returned, she wore an innocuous smile and she seemed happy. When I spoke to her she spelled out a word for me: "B-l-o ...." I wasn't sure of the last letter, but it sounded like "l." That didn't make any sense. I wondered if she had meant "g" and was trying to spell "blog", but that didn't make any sense either. Anyway, I was just glad she was back.
Although beautiful and intelligent, Michelle was definitely damaged merchandise. Besides being a drug addict, something wasn't quite right in her mind. Nevertheless, even though she was like a chipped plate, I decided I could live with a little chip missing.
Dream of:28 December 2007 "Chipped Plate"
I had bought a plate (on sale) for 29 cents at a Wal Mart store. After taking the plate home, I had discovered it was chipped, and I had now brought the plate back to the Wal Mart store to return it. I was already talking with a Wal Mart employee (a man probably in his mid 20s), trying to straighten out the matter. He promised me the store would exchange the plate, but he said he was having difficulty finding a replacement for me.
The fellow finally got on the phone and started talking with someone. He handed the phone to me and I spoke with a woman on the other end. When she asked me about the plate, I told her what had happened, how I had bought the plate on sale and how I had found the chip in it when I had arrived home. She snapped back that she didn't think so, and she implied that I had chipped the plate myself when I had gone home.
I flew into a rage. I told her that such was not the case and that I hadn't chipped the plate. I thought of mentioning that I was a lawyer, but then decided not to bring that up. Instead, I told her I had already spent an hour there, and the hour didn't even include the 15 minutes required to drive there and the 15 minutes I would need to drive home. I said I therefore had an hour and a half invested in doing this "fucking thing." Continuing my imprecations, I said "fucking" a second time.
As she mumbled something, I had the feeling she was trying to write down everything I was saying. Suddenly, however, I couldn't hear her anymore, and I wondered if she had hung up on me. I said I was going to hang up and when my words evoked no response, I hung up the phone.
Upset, I began looking for the fellow who had handed me the phone. I thought to myself that I should have mentioned that Wal Mart employees had also spent an hour and a half working on this matter. I also thought if I were an employee there, I could break things in the store on purpose, just to get even.
I walked to the front of the store, where I thought I saw Michelle, but then realized the woman I saw wasn't nearly as pretty as Michelle. Then I did see Michelle, who looked very pretty, but I didn't speak to her. It seemed as if we had broken up and we hadn't been seeing or talking with each other lately.
I overheard Michelle talking with someone (who called Michelle "Shawnra") about Mark Tindall (a good friend when I had been in high-school), saying that Tindall was a drug addict and that he was trying to get off drugs. I thought I should go up to Michelle and tell her that Tindall and I used to be good friends. I thought if Tindall were trying to quit using drugs, I might even be able to somehow help him. I could tell him that I hadn't taken any drugs for almost three months and that getting off drugs was a "snap." But when I reflected more, I realized getting off some drugs was more difficult than getting off others. Michelle, for example, hadn't been able to stop taking the drugs she used, even though she had tried.
It didn't seem, however, that now was the appropriate time for me to talk with Michelle, and before I knew it, she had walked out of the store.
Except for one time with a Mexican prostitute when I had been 19 years old, I had never paid for sex, and Michelle maintained that she had never charged anyone but me. So we were both new at the game. Paying came so easy to me with Michelle. I liked it and she liked it. I enjoyed giving her money and she certainly enjoyed receiving it.
Dream of: 29 December 2007 "Prime Cut"
About 7:30 in the morning, I had stopped at the Gay Street House.I walked inside to look for my father, and as I strolled through the House, I thought I could hear him talking somewhere, but I couldn't place which room he was in. I walked into a room in the rear where the kitchen normally was and I called through a closed door which led to the bathroom. My father answered from the other side and indicated he couldn't talk with me right then. I immediately deduced that he had a woman in the bathroom with him and that he must be taking a bath with her. I told him that I didn't have anything important to say and that I would talk with him later. As I turned around to leave, I thought how strange it seemed that he would be in the bathtub with a woman so early in the morning.
I walked back outside onto the front porch. A small bus (almost like a van) pulled up in front of the house and people began boarding. I walked over to the people. I knew all of them (all about 30 years old) - old acquaintances from Portsmouth. Among them was blonde-haired Cathy Myers (who had been one of my prettiest high school classmates). She was aging, but still pretty. When I saw her, I thought I would demonstrate to the others the proper technique for picking up a woman, and as we stepped onto the bus, I approached Cathy and started to put my arms around her. She immediately pushed me away as if I were a suaveless slob, and she and another woman stepped back off the bus.
Five or six of us were still left on the bus. Just as the bus was ready to pull out, Cathy stepped back on board.
I recognized the driver and another fellow in the bus - they were old friends.
The bus rolled along down a street which at first seemed like Gay Street, but ended up seeming to be a big street in Paris, France. People began talking and soon the conversation turned to prostitutes. When the driver asked how much a prostitute would cost, I quipped, "Sixty bucks."
I thought to myself how strange it was that I would know such a fact. All my life I had had abstained from associating with prostitutes. Now, however, I seemed to have become an expert on the subject. I really didn't know anything about prostitutes, but I was thinking about Michelle, since I knew I paid her just about every day to have sex with me. I thought of Michelle's beauty and I told the driver that for sixty bucks he could get "prime cut." I wished I had a picture of Michelle to show him how beautiful she was and to show what I was getting for sixty bucks. At the same time, I didn't know if sixty bucks was the going rate for a prostitute. I only knew that I was paying sixty bucks and that I was getting what I considered top of the line. I thought to myself that sixty dollars a day added up to about eighteen hundred dollars a month, which actually was quite a bit of money. As I continued telling the driver about how often I had sex with Michelle, I said, "Believe me, I do just about every day. That's why I'm going bankrupt."
We pulled up in front of a building which looked like a stage theater or a movie theater. We all planned to go inside and watch something.
Before meeting Michelle, I hadn't thought I could care deeply about someone who stole from me, but when I discovered that Michelle had stolen from me, my feelings for her hardly changed. I still cared about her. And even though she stole from me, I was convinced she cared about me.
Dream of:03 January 2008 "Aladdin"
When a woman and I returned to my home (which resembled the House in Patriot, a cottage in the tiny village of Patriot, Ohio, where my mother's parents lived when I was a child), I walked into the bathroom (which resembled the bathroom of the 7th Street House, a rental house which I owned in Portsmouth) and was surprised to discover the hot water heater in the bathroom had been moved. I immediately realized someone must have been in the house and moved the heater.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I saw my possessions scattered all about, and I quickly concluded the house had been burglarized. Many things were missing. When I saw my big television was gone, I hurried to my bedroom, convinced my .38 caliber revolver had also been taken, but I happily found the gun lying on the floor by the bed. I knew I had my stereo system next to the bed. I looked in the direction where the stereo was supposed to be, expecting it to be missing, and was pleasantly surprised to see it still there. I pointed it out to the woman and told her at least the thieves hadn't taken my stereo equipment.
The woman and I walked back into the living room, and I pointed to an open window and told the woman the burglar had entered there. I continued taking inventory of the missing items. Many things were still in the house, and I wondered if my favorite little antique typewriter had been taken.
I thought to myself that the thieves had only been able to take as much as they could carry in one load. Now I realized the thieves had tried to take the hot water heater out of the bathroom, but they hadn't been able to carry it.
Another man and woman who had come to visit me walked into the house and sat down on a couch. When the woman picked up some little cards (like trading cards) with scenes from the movie Aladdin on them, I noticed other games and toys from the movie Aladdin scattered around the room. The woman said whoever had come into the house had left the cards behind. I was unsure of the significance of the cards. I had been aware I had the cards, but I had never really looked at them. I took some of the cards from the woman and began looking at the colorful pictures.
When I began talking about the break-in, the man and woman acted as if they already knew about it. They started talking about Michelle's boyfriend, Wayne, and they said something about three friends of Wayne's who had come there to my house looking for Wayne. I couldn't quite follow the story, but apparently the three friends had been the ones who had broken into the house. That sounded bizarre. I didn't know why three friends of Wayne would have come to my house.
The man and woman began talking about "Chuck" (they were referring to Chuck Kennon, a Dallas attorney I had once known). Apparently "Chuck" was somehow in charge of this house and he already knew about the break-in.
I thought I could call Wayne on his cell phone and ask him what he knew. Or I could call Michelle on her cell phone and ask her if Wayne was with her. If I could find out exactly what had happened, I thought I might still be able to retrieve some of my stolen possessions.
I told the man and woman I still didn't even know what all was missing. I knew I had lost a substantial amount, but I still didn't know exactly what. It seemed doubtful, but I thought I still might be able to retrieve something. I needed to call Wayne or Michelle and find out what they knew.
I had met Michelle's unsavory boyfriend, Wayne, early on. He was poor and could provide Michelle with practically nothing. Just as I accepted her living with him, he accepted her spending time with me and the money she received from me. I saw him sometimes when I would pick up Michelle to come to my house. Since he and I were able to maintain a tense truce, I was able to continue being inspired by Michelle.
Dream of:28 January 2008 "Inspiring"
I was standing naked in a room in which Michelle was lying naked abed. The peculiar bed consisted of a flat white slab on which were written in large black letters the symbols for various stocks. I was able to buy and sell stock by touching the various symbols. Stock symbols were also written in large black letters on the white floor.
I knew the stock market had recently tumbled, but I thought the market was now on the way to recovery. I had learned that by touching my penis to the various stock symbols, I was able to get a feel for which direction the stock was headed. As I looked over the stock symbols on the floor, I saw that "MS" (Microsoft) was lower. Another stock called "Powerpoint" had tumbled to about $3 a share from a formerly high value.
Michelle looked at me from her reclining position on the bed and said, "Come on. Come up here."
I didn't want to go to Michelle because her boyfriend Wayne was outside somewhere and I fretted he might come in. Michelle wanted me to lie down beside her, but I worried Wayne simply wouldn't understand if he walked into the room and she and I were lying naked next to each other. If Wayne walked in and I was in the process of trying to touch one of the stock symbols on the bed with my penis, I could just hear him saying, "What is your dick doing beside her?"
I thought I could try to explain to Wayne how I was trying to show Michelle the direction of a stock. I would probably say something like, "I'm inspiring her."
My sexual encounters with Michelle became wilder and we broadened our sensual repertoire. There seemed to be little that Michelle wouldn't do for the right price. The sex intensified and became ever more pleasurable. The money, however, was becoming an issue as I continued to spend and spend.
Dream of:29 January 2008 "Around The World"
While I was talking with Michelle on the phone, she said that she and I would get together later and that I would give her "six big ones" and "one big fat one." I knew she was saying she wanted me to pay her $60 plus $100 for having sex with her. Since I normally only paid her $60 for perfunctory sex, for the extra $100 I figured she intended to allow me to ejaculate in her mouth or have anal sex with her -- or both. Inclined to accede to paying the extra cash, I asked her if I was going to be allowed to do everything, "to go around the world." She said something I didn't understand, but it sounded as if she was indeed going to allow me "to go around the world." Sex with Michelle was beginning to become rather expensive, but I still thought I would probably pay what she was asking.
Besides worrying about the expense, I fretted about Michelle's spending the money on drugs, and the longer I knew Michelle, the more I knew about the drugs. Instead of pursuing my original goal of helping Michelle kick the drug habit, I became tempted myself to try her drugs.
Dream of:03 February 2008 "Hopeless"
I was lying on my back in the office of a young male doctor (around 30 years old). Several other people (including some whom I knew) were also in the office. The doctor was talking to some of the people standing around about the pain pill Oxycontin, which he called "water pills." When he said he could prescribe the pills, I quickly realized he was prescribing the pills to anyone who wanted them and I concluded he was running a crooked operation.
I began thinking I might even be able to obtain a prescription and I asked the doctor if he would prescribe the pills to anyone who had pain. I told him I had some back pain, which was true, because I did have some slight pain in the middle of my back.
Another young woman (whom I knew) was also in the office and she and I began discussing the pain pills. She wanted to know how much the pain pills were worth and I told her a month's worth of pills could be sold for around $10,000.
I finally stood up from my lying position and I talked with the doctor. He immediately gave me a prescription, then he actually handed me four little purplish pills and four smaller white pills. The white pills contained only 10 milligrams of oxycodone while the purplish pills each contained 40 milligrams. He explained that he only gave a prescription for four pills at a time and that he handed out the pills there in the office.
I was disappointed because I had wanted pills containing 80 milligrams of oxycodone and I had expected to receive more than four at a time. I had based my $10,000 figure on my supposition that I would receive a prescription for a month's supply of 80-milligram pills. Even then, the $10,000 would have been too high - I figured the pills could be sold for more like $8,000. But four 40-milligram pills every four days was hardly worth the trouble. I knew a 40-milligram pill could be sold for $40. So the four pills were worth $160. I would have to return to the doctor's office every four days to obtain more pills. Since the doctor was making his money by charging $100 for each appointment, I couldn't make any money if I had to pay the doctor $100 every four days.
While I was doing my calculating, a group of men walked into the office. They had obviously arrived to pick up pills. I began to see that this setup was simply a racket wherein people had to return every four days to pick up pills. I didn't think I would get involved.
In the meantime, without even realizing what I had done, I had stuck the white pills in my mouth. I knew I had never taken Oxycontin before and I began thinking about Michelle because I knew she took oxys all the time. I knew Michelle was on a plane headed in my direction and I thought I would give her a call on my cell phone and tell her that I had obtained a prescription for oxys and that I had actually ingested some.
I wondered how the oxys would make me feel. I was already beginning to feel a little light-headed.
The office where I was standing had many windows. As I began to feel the effects of the oxys, I glanced out one window and was stunned to see a huge tornado headed straight toward us. I screamed out, "Oh my God! We've got to get to the basement!"
All at once I realized this office was on the ninth or tenth floor of a high office building. Only when I ran out of the office and headed down the hall did I comprehend I didn't have enough time to reach the basement. I was trapped. I thought about turning and returning to the office. Before I could do so, however, I felt the tornado crash into the building. Immediately after the initial jolt, the building began moving. I could look out the windows and see the landscape outside passing by. Obviously the tornado had picked up the building and was carrying it along. Clearly the building had been lifted off its foundations and there was no hope now of reaching the basement. The building would ultimately collapse. There was no way out. I tried to think of some way to escape the havoc, but I realized my situation was hopeless. I could already hear the metal beginning to snap. At some inexorable point, the building would simply collapse on me and kill me. I still held out hope for some way out, but it looked as if I were surely going to die.
The power of opiates over Michelle befuddled me. Yet, in a way, I comprehended. I compared her need for drugs with my need for sex with her. I seemed to need her as much as she needed the drugs. The sex and the drugs seemed to go hand in hand. After all, if Michelle hadn't been addicted to drugs, she wouldn't have needed to sell herself to me.
Dream of:04 February 2008 "Fleamarket Smut"
Late at night, my cell phone rang and awoke me from sleep (I thought it was probably four or five in the morning). When I looked at the phone to see who was calling, the name on the phone read, "Fleamarket smut." I had an idea the caller was Michelle, and when I answered, Michelle was on the other end. I immediately became upset to think Michelle would be out somewhere at that untoward time of night. When I asked her where she was, I couldn't understand exactly what she said, but it sounded as if she were somewhere out in the country near the little country village of Otway, Ohio (not far from Portsmouth), and as if she had called me to get directions. When I asked her what she was doing out there, she said something and I immediately concluded she was out there selling pills. I felt bad that she would be out somewhere selling pills at that time of the night, but there wasn't much I could do about it.
Michelle insinuated herself into my life to the point that she somehow seemed to be part of my family.
Dream of: 06 February 2008 "Kidnapping"
Aftermy mother and I departed from an amusement park and were riding down the highway in a car which I was driving, I suddenly realized that Michelle had been with us at the amusement park and that we had left Michelle behind. Since my mother had been responsible for ascertaining that Michelle was with us, I turned to my mother and blurted, "Where's Michelle?"
When my mother acted as if making sure Michelle was in the car hadn't been her responsibility, I immediately turned the car around and headed back. As I drove toward the amusement park, I suddenly heard an odd sound: a baby crying. Unable to figure out where the sound was coming from, I turned to my mother and asked her. Suddenly realizing my mother had taken a baby from somewhere, I asked her where the baby was, and she said it was in the trunk. I simply couldn't believe my mother had stolen a baby. When I asked my mother what would happen it the baby suffocated in the trunk, she said that wasn't going to happen.
We seemed to be on a city street and I looked for a place to pull over. When I saw some fellows apparently washing something along the side of the street, I pulled up close to them, stopped the car, and got out. I walked back to the trunk, popped it open and saw a baby boy (about a half meter long) lying in the trunk. When I picked up the baby, it stopped crying and tried to kiss me. I was almost shaking as I carried the baby back to the front seat and climbed in. I thought of giving the baby to my mother to hold, but I began to realize that my mother was so mentally unbalanced, I couldn't do that.
I had thought I would first return to the amusement park to find Michelle, and then return the baby to the rightful guardian, but now I realized I should first call 911. Intending to tell the police to come to the spot where I was, I asked the fellows outside exactly where I was.
I thought I still needed to call Michelle (who began to seem more like my ex-wife Carolina) and tell Michelle exactly what had happened. I would tell Michelle that she should probably find some other way home, perhaps in a taxi. When I tried to find my cell phone, however, I had difficulty. It seemed to be tangled up in my back pocket and I tried to pull it out. Although I intended to call Michelle, I was determined to call the police first. I thought I wouldn't be able to see Michelle, because I was probably going to end up in jail for kidnapping. I hoped if I explained to the police that my mother had Alzheimer's, they wouldn't press charges against her. Nevertheless, we obviously had a serious problem.
"Normal" and "wholesome" definitely weren't words which I would have used to describe Michelle, but of course I didn't want "normal" or "wholesome."Our relationship seemed so removed from normalcy, I wasn't even sure anymore what a "normal" relationship would be like. Ancient shadows offered little guidance.
Dream of:06 February 2008 "Aberrant Relationship"
My best friend when I had been in the fourth grade, Gary Altizer (now about 30 years old) and I were sitting and talking with each other at a social function (taking place outdoors like a picnic) in Gallia County, Ohio. Apparently Altizer had been dating Peggy Walker (a junior high classmate on whom I had developed a crush in the ninth grade) for years, but Gary said he and Peggy had recently broken up. I was surprised to hear they had separated because I knew they had been so close.
I thought I might like to go out with Peggy and I asked Gary if he would be bothered if I did so. Even though he said my going out with Peggy wouldn't bother him, I thought he actually would probably be upset. Nevertheless, I thought I would probably ask Peggy to go out with me.
Two girls (probably 7-8 years old) walked up to us (apparently Peggy's sisters) and Gary introduced me to them. The younger one playfully began trying to hit me, and when I held out the flat palm of my hand, she began striking it.
It was around 7 o'clock in the evening (but still light outside) and Altizer was ready to leave. Since I didn't know what I was going to do, I asked Gary what he planned to do. Since Gary had lived in Gallia County all his life, I figured he ought to know if there was anything there to do, but apparently there was nothing.
Someone asked where Peggy was and the younger girl pointed behind me. I turned around and saw Peggy getting out of a car which had just pulled up. After stepping out of the car, Peggy looked at me and smiled. She frowned, however, when she saw Altizer sitting next to me. Obviously she was upset with him.
I stood up. I definitely thought I would ask Peggy to go out with me. I thought going out with Peggy would be strange, because I knew I had been dating Michelle. I thought I would show Peggy a picture of Michelle so Peggy could see what Michelle looked like. I knew my aberrant relationship with Michelle and all the things which I did with Michelle would be difficult to explain to a normal wholesome woman like Peggy.
In the background was always the shadow of the police. Michelle operated outside the law and the threat of her being arrested and taken away from me was ever present. I didn't want to see her spending her life in and out of jails, but I foresaw the possibility of such an outcome. I also cringed at the thought that I myself might have problems with the police.
Dream of:11 February 2008 "Police Raid"
Several people and I were in a house in the country. I could see Michelle in the adjoining room and she could see me. I thought her boyfriend Wayne was also in the room with her. When a fellow in my room pulled out a big thick marijuana joint and began smoking it, I thought I might also partake of the marijuana, even though I reflected I had never smoked any pot around Michelle. When the fellow handed me the joint and I took it in my hand, I could smell the pungent smoke wafting up to my nostrils. Finally I raised the joint to my mouth, took a hit, and watched Michelle's mouth fall open when she saw what I had done.
I looked away from Michelle for a short while, and when I looked back for her, she had disappeared. Everyone in my room had also left. I began looking around the house, and in one room I found a baggie of marijuana which someone had left behind. Worried someone might find the marijuana, I picked up the baggie and carried it into the next room, where I stuck it under pieces of brown cardboard.
I walked outside. A car had pulled up and stopped on the road in front of the house. When a group of rough-looking men carrying guns jumped out of the car, I quickly deduced that they were police and that they were conducting a raid. Unsure what to do, frozen in my tracks, I gingerly pulled a revolver out of my left pocket, held it with two fingers up in the air, and told the men I had a gun. I asked them if I should lay down the gun or keep it. They all looked at me until someone told me to keep the gun. After I had stuck the gun back in my pocket, the men all forayed in a rush to the house across the street. It looked as if they were planning to break down the door of the house and raid it.
Since I still didn't know what had happened to Michelle and Wayne, I was concerned about them. I pulled out a little orange cell phone, thinking I would call them and warn them the police were there. After I had flipped the phone open, I realized the top part of the phone was missing, and I began looking around in the grass, trying to find the missing piece.
Meanwhile, a group of young boys (7-8 years old) had congregated around me. I figured one of them must have picked up the missing piece, and I told them I would give $5 to anyone who would give me back the top of my cell phone. They all started pulling things out of their pockets, but no one had the missing piece to the phone.
I couldn't call Michelle without the missing piece. I continued looking in the grass and found a quarter, but I couldn't find the phone piece. Apparently none of the boys had the missing piece, either. I didn't know what I was going to do.
Even though we didn't communicate well, I was still entranced by Michelle. I was willingly overcome by both love and beauty, even though in my heart I felt as if I were looking at a mirage.
Dream of:11 February 2008 "Till The End Of The Heart"
As I was sitting in the front seat of a car, listening to the radio, I sang along with a song playing on the radio. The lyrics were, "I will need her till the end of the heart."
I was a little sad because Michelle and I had had a fight and I didn't know where she was. Just as I was singing out the last words of the song, however, I turned around and saw Michelle, wearing a white tee shirt, sitting in the back seat. Her legs were on the seat and her head was tilted to one side. She had been sleeping and had just awakened and opened her eyes. I was overjoyed to see her, even though she didn't look like herself. She had black hair and her features weren't as pretty as normal.
I looked straight at her as I finished the song. The words seemed meant for her. I moved my face toward her to kiss her and I whispered, "Babe, let me be nice to you."
Just as my lips touched hers, however, I realized I was kissing thin air. I had only imagined Michelle was in the back seat -- she wasn't really there. I immediately began feeling sad again.
As much as I loved Michelle, I lusted for her even more. She was not thin air. She was very real, very beautiful, and very sexy. I dove into sex with her as I had never done in my life and she indulged me to the fullest. Many times I reflected how I had almost gone through life without having experienced the full satisfaction of sex. Without question, Michelle fulfilled that need.
Dream of:12 February 2008 "Ménage A Trois"
George (my handy man in Portsmouth), Michelle, and I were having a ménage a trois. I was positioned near Michelle's head, while George was in the process of having anal intercourse with her. I could vividly see George's penis in Michelle's anus as he pumped her several times. We were all enjoying ourselves and I was fascinated by the spectacle. I observed as George finally slowly extracted his penis from Michelle's rectum.
Sex and drugs. So powerful. So pleasurable. And yet so problematic. A conundrum.
Dream of:16 February 2008 "Wanting More"
While driving a car along a little country dirt road, I decided to take a pill of Oxycontin which I had with me. After biting off a small part of the pill and swallowing it, I immediately began feeling the effects, which were fabulous. I began thinking I would now be able to tell Michelle that for the first time I understood why she took Oxycontin: the effects were extremely pleasurable. I dreamily coasted along in the car, feeling absolutely euphoric. I didn't remember having ever felt so good. I was only concerned that I seemed to have lost some of my driving ability.
I arrived at a building which looked like a warehouse and I parked the car. I still had most of the Oxycontin pill, and I thought I would be able to obtain more Oxycontin from a fellow inside the warehouse. I stepped out of the car and walked inside. As I passed a fellow working in the building. I asked him if a fellow named "George" was inside. When the fellow didn't respond, I walked past a second fellow and told him that I had just done oxy for the first time and that I loved it. I added, "I want more."
I walked over to a stand, laid down my pill and began crushing it into a dark orange powder. Both fellows were eagerly watching me; obviously they wanted some. I thought I would have to give them some, even though I didn't want to, because I wanted it all. This time I intended to snort the powder instead of ingesting the pill in my mouth. I continued pressing the powder with my fingernails, trying to make the powder as fine as possible. I was definitely looking forward to snorting it.
As time took its toll upon my relationship with Michelle, I nevertheless remained convinced of the ultimate benefit which I would derive from my time with her.
Dream of:18 February 2008 "Taking A Toll"
While I was riding in the front passenger seat of a white 1999 Ford Escort which my father was driving (I thought we were somewhere in Texas), he pulled into a parking place in front of a little store. We sat head-in, so we were looking at the store right in front of us. As we remained seated in the car, I noticed in front of the store a kiosk where tiny little matchbox-sized books were being sold. Pictures of naked women were displayed on the front of the books. Since I knew we were in the suburbs, I thought this was all typical of the area, and I laconically commented, "Suburbia."
Dozens of women were walking in and out of the store, then walking in and out of another store next door. All were young and scantily clothed. I finally realized that lingerie was being sold in the store in front of me and that the women were trying on the lingerie. All the women were beautiful and they all had the most luscious breasts. The breasts of some were even exposed and some women sitting inside the store were even completely naked. I couldn't believe my eyes. I told my father this was the place to come and sit. As soon as I had spoken, however, I realized my father wasn't interested because he had lost his sexual drive after his prostate cancer. I, on the other hand, was very interested in the lollapalooza before me.
As I scrutinized the firm breasts of the women, I recalled how my ex-wife Carolina's breasts had started to sag toward the end of our marriage. I also thought aboutMichelle and how extraordinarily beautiful Michelle's breasts had been when I had first met her. Lately, however, Michelle's breasts had seemed to shrink somewhat and weren't quite as enticing as they had originally been. Obviously Michelle's intractable drug use was taking a toll on her body. Michelle, if she were standing in the store, would look somewhat pitiful in comparison to these women.
When my father finally began backing out the car, I became upset because I knew we still had some time and we could have remained sitting there for a while looking at the women.
I spat out something from my mouth onto the dash. It felt like a little piece of wood from a toothpick. My father immediately told me to get the thing off the dash. I wiped off the dash and told him it had only been a piece of wood.
As he backed out, my father began telling me a story. He said when he had been a young man he had lived with a young woman not far from us in Ashland, Kentucky. The woman had been beautiful like the women in the store. He said when he had returned home one day, he had become angry about something, had packed up all the woman's things and her made her immediately move out. He said other fellows who had known him had been "aghast" that he would have done something like that. I wondered if he even remembered now why he had made the woman move out -- it had been so many years ago -- but I figured he probably still remembered why.
After backing out, he headed up a little hill. It looked as if I weren't going to be able to look at the women any more.
I was fascinated by the power which Michelle wielded over me. I thought I could break the spell if I wanted, but enjoying her youth was so pleasant, I willingly allowed her to maintain her spell.
Dream of: 21February 2008 "Under Her Spell"
Clifford (my best friend from the ninth grade, now about about 30 years old) and I had been attending the same class at school. Although we had been friends for a while, over time I had grown weary of Clifford's constantly trying to be with me, and I had flatly told him he had been hanging around me too much. I hadn't meant to offend him, but he became angry. Thereafter he stopped associating with me and whenever I would see him, he seemed angry at me. A couple times I was walking in front of him and he stepped on the back of my shoes, apparently on purpose. I had turned around and glared at him. Finally we stopped talking completely, although we continued attending the same class together.
When I learned that Michelle was living across the street from Clifford, I was surprised to discover that Clifford had been doing some things for her. He had taken her to a couple places and once he apparently had taken her someplace to fill a prescription for drugs. I was quite taken aback to think that Clifford would be helping Michelle.
I went to talk with Michelle about what I had found out, and when I met with her, I suddenly had a feeling Michelle was having an affair with Clifford. She had apparently worked her charm on him and put him under her spell, just as she had done to me. Now, the same as I, Clifford would do anything for her.
I confronted her. I told her I knew about her and Clifford, and I said I was going to talk with Clifford to see what he had to say. She appeared to be a bit uneasy, a little worried by what I was saying. I asked, "Is there anything that Doug would tell me that you don't want me to hear?"
I thought at first she was going to say something, but when she didn't respond, I walked away from her, intending to go and talk with Clifford.
I met the various member's of Michelle's extensive family. Her history was convoluted and difficult to comprehend, but her entire family seemed seeped in drugs.
Dream of:01 March 2008 "Sitting Cockeyed"
While Michelle and I were sitting in a sparsely furnished, hardwood-floored living room, it suddenly occurred to me that Michelle knew people who sold marijuana and that she could obtain some for me if I would give her the money. I started talking to her about it and she quickly indicated she would be able to do so.
My memory was suddenly joggled, however and I remembered that I had something else to do. It was almost 9 a.m. and I was supposed to take Michelle's half-brother, Ray, to court at 9 a.m. I abruptly departed from Michelle, rushed upstairs and woke Ray (a tall black-haired fellow about 18 years old), who was still asleep. He groggily descended the stairs with me and we sat down in the living room. I remembered Ray also had drug connections and I asked him if he might be able to obtain some pot for me. He said he could and I thought I might let him (instead of Michelle) procure the pot for me. Since I realized we first needed to hurry and go to court, however, he and I walked outside and boarded my car.
As I drove down the road, we continued talking about marijuana and I asked him what time of year the new crop would start being sold. He seemed vague, but he said something about marijuana seeds, and how the new crop had seeds in it. I also wanted to know how much a baggie was going to cost. He talked about getting five bags for $100, so I figured I would have to pay about $20 a bag, which seemed cheap.
Suddenly I saw a car stopped in front of me and I tried to put on the brake. Unfortunately, my foot wasn't able to reach the peddle. I swerved into the left lane around the car. A whole line of cars were in front of the car which had been in front of me, so I couldn't get back into the right lane -- I had to stay in the left lane. The cars were all stopped at a stop sign and were getting ready to turn onto the main highway. I continued on in the left lane until I passed all the other cars and turned onto the highway. I told Ray we might be in the wrong lane of traffic and cars might be coming toward us, but finally I saw we were in the correct lane.
I kept trying to reach the brake peddle but I simply couldn't do it. Finally I realized I was turned around, sitting cockeyed with my back against the driver's window instead of against the back of the seat. I managed to turn myself around so I was sitting correctly and I continued driving down the road.
I had difficulty controlling my jealousy. Given the nature of my affair with Michelle, and the fact that Michelle was living with another man, one would have thought that I wouldn't have been particularly jealous. Such, however, was not the case.
Dream of:05 March 2008 "Rocco"
Michelle (wearing a blue dress and obviously intoxicated) and I arrived at a building which seemed like a theater. After we walked inside, the place seemed to be divided into two sections, with a theater on one side and a hotel on the other. Just as we were about to walk into the theater side, Michelle indicated she had to go someplace. I thought she wanted to go to the restroom, but then I noticed she seemed to have seen someone she knew. She walked off.
I waited for her a while, and when she didn't return, I waxed impatient and walked back into the area where I thought she was. I saw a young oriental woman lying on a couch, partially covered by a blanket. She was also wearing a blue dress and for an instant I thought I caught a glimpse of her bare legs under the blanket. She was talking with someone and it sounded as if she were talking about Michelle. Finally I definitely heard her say something about Michelle and another fellow named "Rocco." She said something about a "collar", then it sounded as if she said that Michelle had taken off the fellow's cufflinks, and that Michelle had been looking at the fellow's arms. I finally realized the woman was talking about a fellow (probably in his early 20s, probably black) whom Michelle knew. Apparently Michelle had gone upstairs with this fellow. I stepped up closer to the woman and asked, "Where did they go?"
I thought I might go upstairs and try to find Michelle. I could just imagine what I might walk in on. What would I do if I walked in and she was with this fellow? What if she had her top off and her breasts were visible? I didn't know what I would do, but I was definitely going to go upstairs and see if I could find her.
I tried to focus more on what I perceived as the saving grace of my relationship with Michelle: writing my dreams about her. I was convinced that if I could simply compile my dreams, as best as I could, into a compelling story, my relationship with her would be a success.
Dream of:09 March 2008 "Do The Best You Can"
I had been attending a class in which all the students (including myself) had been given an assignment to write a story. We were supposed to read something, then write a story about what we had read. The female teacher held up a blank piece of paper and told us we would first write the story on four hand-written pages, then type the story onto two pages. We were given two hours to read and hand-write the story, then an additional hour to type the story.
In conjunction with the story, we visited a room (which was part of the story) which appeared to be in a sparsely-populated restaurant. When I walked into the restaurant, I realized I was on the bottom floor of a tall apartment building where old people lived. After sitting down, I began reading, writing, and composing my story. As the first two hours quickly passed, I managed to write most of my little story, focused on the restaurant. I had also stuck some pictures on a wall and I had woven the pictures into the story. But I was running out of time to finish the story.
As I was completing the writing of the story I realized that Michelle was also in the room and that she was also writing a story. She was having difficulty with her story and she hadn't yet been able to compose it. She seemed distraught, as if she thought she weren't going to be able to complete the assignment. I reflected that Michelle typically put things like this off until the end, causing her difficulty. Nevertheless, even though I knew the task was difficult for her, I still thought she had enough prowess to also complete her story and I tried to encourage her by saying, "Just do the best you can."
I wanted her to simply do the best she could in the short amount of time which remained.
I struggled to deal with my absurd jealousy.
Dream of:14 March 2008 "Bothered"
Michelle (who looked a little different from normal) and I had been away together somewhere and had just returned to the two-story house where she and her boyfriend Wayne were living. The three of us were in the living room, and after a while, I realized Wayne seemed to be growing impatient for me to leave. I reflected that since Michelle and I had been away together, he probably wanted to take Michelle upstairs and make love with her. Although I still wanted to stay longer with Michelle, I realized I probably needed to leave because Wayne wanted to be with her. I also realized I wouldn't be able to make love with Michelle that day because I didn't think she would want to have sex with me after having had sex with Wayne.
When I told them I was going to leave, Wayne looked happy. As Michelle started walking up the stairs to the second floor, Wayne followed her and I walked into the adjoining room toward the front door.
Before leaving, however, I turned around and walked back into the living room to retrieve my eyeglasses, which I had left lying on the mantel. I noticed the lights were on in the living room and I thought about turning them off to save electricity. I liked to help Michelle and Wayne save money, but I wondered if I should even bother. After all, maybe I would be better off if they weren't able to save money.
It bothered me to think that even as I stood there, Wayne might be upstairs undressing Michelle, maybe even nibbling on her breasts. I wondered what would happen if I were to rush upstairs and announce that I was taking Michelle away and that I wanted her to be with me. I didn't think that would be a good idea --she probably wouldn't go.
Nevertheless, the thought was in my mind.
My relationship with Michelle had grown more and more serious, almost as if my whole life were somehow concentrated in Michelle, almost as if the relationship was somehow a matter of life and death.
Dream of:20 March 2008 "Dead Body"
I returned home to the place where I was living (the Gay Street House, the huge beautiful Victorian house in Portsmouth where I had lived during my teenage years). I walked up the stairs to my bedroom and discovered a dead body lying on the floor. Although the body was covered with something red, it was clearly a woman. I could see her stockinged legs and it looked as if she were wearing a red dress.
I immediately decided to call 911. As soon as I picked up a phone and began dialing, I heard a voice of someone who identified himself as my first cousin Randy (whom I hadn't seen in more than 30 years). I told him I couldn't talk with him right then because I had just found a dead body in the room and I was trying to call 911 (I had no idea why Randy would be calling me anyway). He immediately hung up and a policeman answered.
I told the policeman I had found a dead body in the house and I told him to come to 716 Gay Street. When he indicated the police would immediately come, I hung up.
As soon as I hung up, I received a call from Michelle, and I immediately told her what I had found. She became very excited and began talking about someone whom she knew coming over to my house, and she seemed to think the dead body might be that person, but I couldn't understand exactly what she was trying to say. Nevertheless, she was definitely agitated. I didn't stay on the phone long with her before hanging up.
As I sat and waited for the police to arrive, I wondered if the police would break down the door if I refused to answer. I thought they might climb up and look through the window, and since they had received the call, I thought they would have good reason to break into the house. I was just wondering though -- I definitely intended to open the door when the police arrived.
My father's influence over me remained powerful. His disapproval of Michelle stretched my relationship with him to the breaking point.
Dream of:01 April 2008 "My Father's Wish"
I had met a voluptuous woman (probably in her mid 30s) who looked like Bette Midler (except this woman was thinner than Midler). I had taken the woman to my father's fancy apartment, where the woman and I had lain down together in my father's bed and made passionate love. After I climaxed, I began cleaning some of my sperm off the covers.
I hadn't even been thinking about my father, but suddenly I realized it was after midnight and I anxiously told the woman my father could return at any time. After we had both stood up and dressed, I noticed two televisions in the room. One was a regular old television, but the other was a new flat-screen plasma type. I suddenly realized the woman had carried both televisions into the bedroom from the living room, and I knew we needed to carry the televisions back to the living room.
Suddenly I heard the front door in the living room open, and through the bedroom door I could see my father (about 50 years old and in good shape) standing in the front doorway of the living room.
I wondered if a woman was with him. After he stepped through the door, I saw my step-mother (a corpulent, black-haired woman, about 50 years old) following him. My father could see my woman-friend and me in the bedroom, but he wasn't angry.
He and my step-mother walked into the bedroom while I tried to make the bed and arrange the covers. I could still feel the wet sperm and I wanted to cover it up. After my step-mother walked over to the bed and threw a couple more covers onto it, she and I began having a pleasant conversation.
My woman-friend, meanwhile, was vivaciously bouncing around the room. When she finally sat down on a chair, I looked at her and noticed she had put on a costume of a big white rabbit. She made a funny little joke about her costume.
Everybody was in a pleasant mood and my father even seemed happy to see me with the woman. He asked me if I had had a good time and I told him I had. I tried to downplay what I had been doing, but he could tell I had obviously enjoyed myself. He was glad I had been with this woman because he wished I would leave another woman whom I had been dating. I thought of telling him I had been with Michelle the night before (I recalled I had made love to Michelle that night), but then I realized Michelle was the very woman my father wanted me to stop dating, so I thought it best not to say anything about Michelle.
When the woman and I were finally ready to leave, I noticed the televisions had already been carried back into the living room. We all walked into the living room, and before departing, I asked my father where he and my step-mother had been. He said they had been out riding bicycles, and only then did I notice two little plastic blue bikes in the room (one for my father and one for my step-mother). The bikes looked more like little chairs with four wheels than bicycles. Behind each was something which looked like a little water tank on wheels.
After I sat down in one of the little bicycle-chairs, my father said he had talked with his doctor, who had told my father that many more people were riding these bicycle-chairs these days. I was quite surprised that my father had been riding around in this little "bicycle."
I leaned back in the bicycle-chair so the front wheels rose off the ground. It felt comfortable. I wasn't sure how the bicycle-chair worked, but it looked as if it might have a handle on the side which could be turned to make the bicycle-chair move. I thought the bicycle-chair must be a sophisticated new invention if my father were out riding around on it. Since he had apparently enjoyed it, I thought it might be worth looking into.
I could not deny that I had fallen in love with Michelle. I could not understand it. I simply felt it.
Dream of:04 April 2008 "I Love You"
Michelle and I were lying in bed together. I was lying atop her and looking straight into her face. I lightly kissed her on the lips and when I raised my head back away from hers, she ingenuously mouthed some words without sound. It looked as if she were silently saying, "I love you."
I said, "What?"
Again she mouthed the words (more clearly this time), "I love you."
Out loud, I replied, "I love you, too."
Although on the surface I hoped to help Michelle improve herself, I fretted that underneath I was only fueling her baser nature. I still continued to pay her for sex. Sometimes I questioned what I was doing: leading her further down the sex-for-money path. I doubted she would ever transform.
Dream of:08 April 2008 "Transformation"
While Michelle and I were lying in bed together, I indicated I wanted her to perform fellatio on me. Apparently, however, Michelle had experienced some kind of transformation, and she petulantly said, "I'm not gonna do that stuff again."
I had expected her to comply with my wishes. Peeved by the loss of one of my perquisites, I gruffly spat, "Ok, lets get dressed."
My anger quickly abated, however, and I began thinking Michelle's new attitude might be for the best. Maybe this was a good sign that Michelle was changing her ways, and maybe her change of heart was the best thing which could happen for both of us.
Women my own age held virtually no allure for me.
Dream of:13 April 2008 "Young Stuff"
As I was walking on the sidewalk of a street in Dallas, I suddenly saw someone whom I recognized (a man probably in his late 40s) walking toward me: Wheat (a Dallas lawyer with whom I had been friends for several years in the 1990s). When he saw me, we both stopped, facing and staring at each other. He was obviously completely taken aback because I now had long hair; clearly he didn't know what to think. He seemed unsure whether he should pause and talk to me or simply move on.
We started talking and I told him this was a real coincidence because I hadn't been in Dallas for four or five months, so bumping into him there was a surprise. Even though he obviously couldn't get over my long hair, he didn't say anything about it. His hair was as short as usual and he told me he was still practicing law.
As we finally sat down at a little round table on the sidewalk, I noticed his hair was black, instead of the customary gray. He started talking about women and he said he liked for women to walk behind him and walk on his heels. I told him the last time he had seen me, I had been interested in "young stuff." Lately, however, I had met a couple older women, one of whom was Eloise (another Dallas friend a few years older than I, who committed suicide in 2001) . I recalled I had recently kissed Eloise and the experience had been very pleasurable. I told Wheat that older women were superior to younger women.
I told Wheat I was nevertheless still with my second wife, Carolina. But when I thought about it, I realized I had also been seeing some younger women. I thought about Michelle, who was only 20 years old. I wished I had a picture of Michelle which I could show to Wheat. I thought he would be impressed to see what she looked like. Unfortunately, I didn't have a picture at the moment.
When Michelle had been 11 years old, she had been taken under wing by a woman named Carol who had taken care of Michelle. When Michelle was 14 years old, a man had moved in with Carol. He had three sons and Michelle always referred to these boys as her "brothers", even though Michelle and the boys weren't related in any way. Michelle had dozens of people whom she called "uncles, aunts and cousins" who likewise weren't related to her. Her need for these fake familial ties seemed both ridiculous and sad to me.
Dream of:14 April 2008 "Brothers"
Two or three brothers (in their early 20s) were standing outside a house. I knew Michelle considered these fellows to be like her brothers since she had lived in the same house as they during the time she had been 14-19 years old. I couldn't quite recognize their faces and I was trying to figure out who was who. I started talking to one of them, a tall slender fellow. As I talked, the subject came up of how Michelle always claimed the brothers were also her brothers. This fellow said he knew he wasn't actually Michelle's brother and he didn't claim her as his sister. I was surprised to hear him say that, although he was saying exactly what I would have expected. I thought it ridiculous that Michelle would claim the brothers as her actual brothers. Another one of the brothers said the same thing, that he didn't claim Michelle as a sister.
They were all getting into a car. Just as the first fellow started to get into the car, he said he especially didn't claim Michelle as his sister because he sometimes "played with her boobies." I found his statement a little shocking and I knew I would tell Michelle what the fellow had told me. This only confirmed what I had suspected all along.
I knew there were four brothers in all, and I had met all of them except one who was about 16 years old. The 16-year old was standing there and I asked him what he thought about the subject. He said he likewise didn't claim Michelle as his sister. He seemed to think it was silly that Michelle would claim him as her brother.
I was keeping in mind what I was hearing because I knew I was going to tell Michelle about it.
The hypocrisy of my questioning Michelle's sexual mores was exceeded only by my arrogance.
Dream of:19 April 2008 "Whore"
I was in someone else's house where some young people whom I had never seen before were circulating. I knewMichelle was also somewhere in the house, but I didn't know where. When I finally walked out into the back yard where more people were gathered, a young woman began talking to me about Michelle, whom the woman apparently had known for a long time. The woman told me a story about how Michelle had once been in a house with a bunch of men and had had sex with twelve of them. Subsequently, Michelle had gone into the back yard and had sex with another seven men in tents.
I saw Michelle sitting in the back yard and I walked over to her. When I told Michelle what the woman had just told me, Michelle replied, "Yea, but ..." and she quipped about how the men had been cute, as if her having sex with so many men had been nothing.
I reached down to the ground, picked up a handful of dirt, threw it at her chest, brusquely blurted, "Whore!" and walked away.
I was so steamed, I wasn't even sure whether I had hurt Michelle's feelings. I knew, however, I was very hurt and angry at the same time.
Drugs and sex remained the dominant themes of my relationship with Michelle. As different as Michelle and I were, in some ways we were very much alike. I had developed almost as strong a need for sex with Michelle as Michelle's need for drugs. I wanted Michelle to face her need for drugs, even though I was unwilling to face my need for sex with her.
Dream of:29 April 2008 "Dead-End Alley"
I was walking toward the end of a dead-end alley where several people (probably in their early 20s) were congregated. I had the impression they were all using drugs and when someone handed me a little glass pipe, I took a hit from it. Quickly realizing the pipe contained crack cocaine, I reflected that I had never smoked crack. I thought about Michelle, who I knew had used crack before, and I thought I would now be able to compare notes with her about the crack. I could already feel the effects of the crack and I could tell I liked the crack better than Oxycontin, another drug which I had tried and which Michelle often used.
By the time I had finished smoking the crack, I was sitting on the ground. I definitely liked the way I was feeling, and when I noticed some white smoke still drifting up from the little pipe, I put my nose over the pipe and snorted twice. I wanted more. When a fellow sitting next to me showed me two small round white pills in his hand, which he identified as crack, I started talking with him about buying some.
I finally stood up and walked back up the alley, where I was surprised to run into Michelle. When I told her I had smoked the crack, she became upset and began violently crying. Obviously she wasn't happy to hear the news.
Although my bedroom pleasures with Michelle continued to outpace my expectations, her continued liaison with her sleazy boyfriend left an acrid taste in the mouth.
Dream of:03 May 2008 "Sordid Scene"
Michelle and I had just finished making love and were still lying in the bed together. I wanted her to stay with me, but she suddenly expressed the need to get up. I couldn't stop her. I was sure she wanted to procure some drugs and I knew how absurdly uncontrollable she was when she was in that intransigent state of mind. She stood up out of the bed, and still naked, headed to the other side of the room.
I stood up and followed her. When I reached her, she was standing by the side of a little narrow bed, with her head bent down over the bed. At first I thought she was snorting some drugs, but then I saw a man lying in the bed. It took me a moment to realize the man was Michelle's boyfriend, Wayne. I was uncertain at first what Michelle was doing but I had the feeling that another man was also in the bed and that Michelle was performing fellatio on the other man. Finally, however, I saw Michelle's face. She was bent over Wayne's penis and had the head of his penis in her mouth, performing fellatio on him. She knew I was watching her, but she didn't seem to care. She almost seemed possessed, as if she absolutely had to do this.
I grabbed her and pulled her up. I was extremely upset. I was sure that Wayne had ejaculated in her mouth and that even now as she was standing expressionless in front of me, some of Wayne's sperm was still in her mouth.
In my right hand I had a small gob of my own sperm which I had ejaculated when Michelle and I had made love just a few minutes earlier. I felt like throwing the sperm onto her face.
Wayne, meanwhile, seemed to think the whole affair was quite humorous. He was lying on his back, observing the sordid scene with a big smile on his face.
That a tall straight phallus would overshadow my oneiric documentation of Michelle's life seemed apropos.
Dream of:05 May 2008 "Documentary"
Michelle (who seemed like a short thin black man, about 20 years old) and I were on the first day of a five-day trip. At first we were walking through the streets of New York City, but we soon ended up in Washington D.C., in the central area of town where all the monuments were located. I planned to visit as many monuments as possible, as well as the Smithsonian Institute.
I could already see three of the monuments right in front of us. Somehow, two were floating in the sky. One monument in the sky looked like a circle of white stone pillars and I identified it as a monument to George Washington. I identified the second monument in the sky as a monument to John Adams. We were standing in front of a third monument on the ground which I identified as a monument to Thomas Jefferson. I pointed out to Michelle that the three monuments were for the first three presidents of the United States, although they weren't arranged in chronological order.
We quickly made our way to the actual Washington Monument (the tall straight monument). I knew it was possible for us to climb the monument by foot, but I doubted we would want to do that. As we stood in front of the monument, Michelle stood over by herself and began talking about her life, almost as if she were making a documentary. I looked around and about 20 meters from us I spotted a movie camera. Apparently the camera was set up so people could talk about themselves in front of the Washington Monument and then buy a copy of the tape. I thought I would like to see Michelle's tape when she was finished.
While Michelle's ravishing beauty sparked my passion, her uninhibited sexuality fueled my ardor.
Dream of:11 May 2008 "Uninhibited"
Carolina (my black-haired ex-wife) and I had lain down on the ground on our sides, facing each other. She was ravishing, perhaps 20 years old, in her prime, and unusually sexy. I wanted to make love with her. I thought to myself how I would like to have with Carolina the kind of wild uninhibited passionate sex which I had with Michelle. Sex with Michelle was so abundantly satisfying -- I just wished I could experience something similar with Carolina. Yet even as I thought about it, I knew it wouldn't happen. Carolina was simply too reserved and unadventuresome. I knew Carolina would stand up and leave before she would let me explore new realms of sex with her.
All to often I forgot that the life which I had chosen would not allow me to escape the truth. Like it or not, I had to face it.
Dream of:27 May 2008 "The Lie"
As I was perusing a porno magazine which I had bought, the pictures were so vivid, they seemed more like a movie than pictures. I finally realized I could actually take part in the movie and touch the pictured women. I could see the breasts of the various women, but I couldn't see their pubic areas, except for one woman who had a slit in her pants so her pubic area was visible. I stuck my finger down to her pubic region and inserted it into her vagina. Immediately excited, I began masturbating her. I thought I would like to take the magazine into the bathroom and stick my penis into the woman's mouth.
I headed for the bathroom, and when I walked inside, I found Michelle there. Michelle didn't notice the magazine, even though I continued to leaf through it, looking for pictures of other women. I decided to let Michelle see the magazine and I held it out so she could see. She asked me where I had obtained the magazine and she said, "It cost $20."
I knew I had bought the magazine, but I lied and told her I had found it in a house which I owned. I actually had found some old magazines in a drawer in the house, but this magazine hadn't been among them. I knew I never lied to Michelle and I felt bad about lying to her about the magazine, but I simply didn't want to tell her the ineluctable truth that I had bought the magazine.
I continued looking at the pictures. I thought Michelle might also become aroused by the pictures, but she didn't seem much interested. At the same time, she didn't seem bothered that I was looking at the magazine.
Defending my relationship with Michelle became increasingly difficult, yet I was still convinced that I should continue the relationship, whatever the world might think.
Dream of:28 May 2008 "Pure Self Defense"
While Michelle and I were in the apartment of her boyfriend, Wayne, I looked out the front storm door (whose top window was missing) and spotted Wayne (wearing a white tee shirt) storming malevolently toward the door. Wayne, obviously angry, stepped up to the door, gave me a heinous look as if to say, "Ok, I'm going to get you now", and swung his fist at me through the top of the door. I dodged the swing and pulled my pocket knife out of my pocket. I thought about stabbing Wayne in the neck, but hesitated because I feared I might kill him. When he swung again, however, I did stab him in the side of his neck.
My gambit worked. As Wayne staggered backwards, I screamed at Michelle to call 911. I also picked up a phone and called 911. When someone came onto the phone, I blurted, "There's been a stabbing!"
I couldn't remember what address to give and I couldn't remember the number of the apartment. I knew we were in government housing in Wayne Hills in Portsmouth, but I couldn't recall the name of the street in front of the apartment.
As I described the nature of the problem, I thought of saying that I was the one who had stabbed Wayne, but I decided not to mention that.
Meanwhile, Wayne staggered around in a hapless daze, bleeding profusely. He still seemed aggressive, but he finally had to sit down. I thought of hitting him a couple times in the face for good measure, but I refrained. He became weaker and weaker until he finally lay down on his back on the ground. Worried he might die, I kept trying to tell the person on the phone where we were.
While I kept talking on the phone, other people gathered around and tried to help Wayne, and someone put an oxygen mask on him. I told the person on the phone the name of the street was that same as the name of a bush or a shrub, but I still couldn't exactly remember the name. I finally obtained the correct address and gave it to the person on the phone.
The person on the phone asked me how Wayne looked. Wayne appeared to be drifting into unconsciousness, but his eyes were open. I said, "He's got his eyes open."
It appeared he wasn't going to die and I thought the ambulance would arrive in time to save him.
Abruptly a black man who looked like a police officer (he somewhat resembled Morgan Freeman) stood up behind me and said he would like to talk with me as soon as he could about the incident. Trying to maintain my equipoise, I told him he could talk with me right then. After we stepped over to the side, he asked me if I wanted to tell him anything in particular. I thought about first telling him that I was an attorney, but I decided not to mention that fact. For a moment, I thought perhaps I shouldn't say anything, but then I decided I would simply tell him what had happened.
I first told him that both Wayne and I cared about Michelle. That was the problem. As for the incident, I couldn't remember exactly what had happened myself, but I told the officer that Wayne had walked up to the door, swung at me, and missed. Then he had swung at me again. I said I had avoided Wayne's second punch and I had stabbed him. I said, "That's all there is to it." I added that it had been "pure self defense." I thought to myself that some witnesses had also seen the incident, which should bolster my account.
He looked at me incredulously, then began telling me a little story, the import of which was to show the difficulty of proving self defense. He told of a man who had supposedly acted in self defense and had ended up with a knife in him, lying on his back in a church yard. Four witnesses had seen the incident take place. Nevertheless, the man had been unable to prove self defense.
The causes of sexual arousal remain an inexplicable mystery. What arouses one person disgusts another. Sometimes I was even disgusted by my own arousals.
Dream of:30 May 2008 "Definitely Aroused"
I was working on a house which I owned. In one room I was peeling off something which looked like paneling from the wall. The room seemed lighter as a result. Some other people were helping me and I rather enjoyed their company (they almost seemed like family). After I screwed a silver metal plate (about the size of a light switch) off one wall, the room began to take shape.
Michelle walked in. I was angry with her because I realized she had spent the night with her boyfriend, Wayne. As she and I talked, we walked into an adjoining bedroom, and she tried to make garrulous excuses for being with Wayne. She said she had to spend one night with him, then one night with me, and she mentioned she needed money to pay her student loan.
When she pulled off her top and lay down on the bed with her breasts exposed, I invidiously railed at her "whore, cunt, slut." She looked angry at first, but then she acted as if my vituperations didn't matter. Even though angry, I decided to have sex with her anyway. I lay down atop her and began nibbling her breasts. Just as I started, a slender light-skinned black fellow (probably in his late 20s) with a shaved head walked into the room.
I asked him if he wanted to "fuck" Michelle. He lay down on the bed so his head was next to hers and Michelle immediately began kissing him. As she kissed him, Michelle murmured, "I'll suck your dick."
He responded somewhat incredulously, "You will?"
I said, "Oh, she'll suck it. She'll let you cum in her mouth."
I got ready to take off her pants. I was definitely aroused by the thought of our having a threesome.
Before Michelle, I had assumed that I could not have a relationship with someone whom I could not trust. I gradually learned that my assumption was incorrect, and although a lack of trust was painful, I nevertheless cared for a perfidious Michelle.
Dream of:11 June 2008 "Being Robbed"
Michelle and I were in a house which resembled the Gallia County Farmhouse (the two-story frame house on my father's 386-acre farm in Gallia County, Ohio). I left for a while to do something, and when I returned, I was surprised by what I found. I had previously given Michelle numerous possessions, including a tile-topped table, all of which had been in the kitchen when I had left. When I returned, however, everything had been transferred to the living room. The top of the table had been cut off and was lying on the living room floor.
I immediately sensed someone else besides Michelle was in the Farmhouse and I had the uneasy feeling that Michelle and the other person were in the process of robbing me. Michelle (standing in the kitchen) had a guilty look on her face. She mumbled something about how they had needed to "saw the table."
I blurted, "What?"
I couldn't understand why Michelle would be trying to steal anything from me, especially since I had already given her all those things. Nevertheless, it appeared that Michelle and someone else were preparing to steal as much as they could from the house. I was definitely alarmed.
Michelle owned practically nothing. She somehow managed to lose, sell, or destroy virtually everything which she acquired. I definitely had to be wary of my property suffering the same fate.
Dream of:11 June 2008 "Home Destroyer"
After Michelle and a thin fellow (about 30 years old) had been in the 17th Street House with me for several days, I slowly began to realize they were destroying the House, even though I still didn't understand exactly how they were doing it.
Having decided to take inventory, I walked out onto the front porch and found boards lying everywhere. Some old boards had even been nailed up haphazardly over the banisters and even over the windows. The aluminum screen door was bent and buckled. All in all, the front porch was a complete wreck.
I walked back into the living room. Junk was lying all over the place, many things had been torn up, and boards had been sloppily nailed over the big front window. Even some shelves had been broken and stuck over the window.
I could see the thin fellow kneeling down on the floor in the adjoining television room. He seemed to be busily tearing something apart. I headed toward him and cried out, "Now I see how it works."
I had always suspected Michelle would eventually somehow harm me, but I had never been sure exactly how she would do so. Now I understood that she and her friend had been busily destroying my House and I finally understood the damage she had been causing me, especially in the last few hours.
I picked up a board and ran toward the fellow as if I were going to hit him. I was determined to drive him out of my House. I thought we would have a blistering fight and end this situation once and for all. As soon as I reached him, while he was still on the floor, I began violently kicking him.
Trouble seemed to follow Michelle. I wanted to protect her, but I did not reach the point where I would sacrifice myself to do so.
Dream of:14 June 2008 "Trouble"
I was driving a car in which Michelle and a police officer (not in uniform) were riding. We were on Eighth Street in Portsmouth, close to the Eighth Street House (a two-story rental house which I owned). When the officer (sitting in the front seat) said he smelled alcohol, I told him that I hadn't been drinking, that I hadn't had a drop of alcohol. I added, "I swear to God." I told him that we could go straight to the police station and I would take an alcohol test, that he could "hook me up to the machine."
Michelle, on the other hand, (whose exact location in the car was hazy) looked intoxicated and I figured she had probably been drinking quite a bit. I told the officer he could also hook Michelle up. I said, "Yea, hook her up and see what you come up with."
I figured since Michelle wasn't driving, testing her for alcohol wouldn't make any difference. I just wanted to satisfy the officer that the alcohol he was smelling was emanating from Michelle and not from me. At the same time, I didn't want Michelle to be tested for any drugs other than alcohol because I didn't want her to get into any trouble.
Even if Michelle gave me good reason to be suspicious of her, becoming jealous was a debilitating response to my suspicions.
Dream of:19 June 2008 "Suspicious"
I hadn't been day-trading stocks lately because my funds had been low, but today I was sitting in front of a computer, playing the stock market. After I had sold a stock short, the price of the stock had begun declining, so I was already making a couple hundred dollars. As I watched the stock, the price started coming back up. I was quickly almost to the point where I would lose all the money I had made, and I would have to sell the stock to simply break even. As I continued watching, the stock started dipping back down again.
Michelle walked up and sat down next to me on my left. I knew she was supposed to make a telephone call for a fellow who reminded me of a well-to-do friend of hers named Barnhart (probably in his mid 40s) on a telephone which she was supposed to use in the room. Apparently, however, she had flubbed the call and she hadn't been able to do what she had been supposed to do.
The fellow who reminded me of Barnhart walked into the room, went over to the telephone and began talking on it, taking care of his business. While he was on the phone, I heard him mention that Michelle had come to him and had tried to do something for him involving his business. Barnhart's girlfriend, Lisa, had been with him at the time. Michelle had first done something for Lisa, and then Michelle had tried to change Barnhart's boots.
I gave Michelle a piercing look. Suspecting she might be trying to develop a romance with Barnhart, I asked, "Why was you changing his boots?"
She looked at me as if she didn't know how to answer the question. I was definitely suspicious.
Although I continually upbraided Michelle for her tragic use of drugs, I tended to think of my own attraction to drugs as little more than a recreational comedy.
Dream of:27 June 2008 "Window Of Opportunity"
While circulating among other people in a building which resembled a large department store, I met up with a black woman (probably in her late 20s) who was my cousin and whom I hadn't seen in a while. When someone walked up to her and handed her a small bag filled with little pale-green pills, I asked her what the pills were. She told me the name of the pills, which I didn't recognize. Wondering what the pills contained, I asked her if they were like "Oxycontin" (I had difficulty remembering the name "Oxycontin", but the word finally came to me). From the woman's response, I concluded the pills were similar to Oxycontin.
When a black fellow walked up, the woman indicated she wanted to sell all the pills. Since I thought I might be interested in buying the pills, I asked her how much she wanted for them. She said she could probably get $75-$80 apiece out of the pills. She wasn't even trying to count the number of pills and it looked to me as if she might have a couple hundred. Even if she thought there were only 100 pills, at $50 apiece, I figured the pills would cost $5,000. Since I only had $500 in my pocket, I thought I might just offer her $500 for the whole bag, but I seriously doubted she would accept that amount.
Since I was uncertain how much I should pay for the pills, I thought I might callMichelle because I knew Michelle would know what the pills were worth and she would be able to tell me how much I should pay. She might even want to buy the pills herself. When I pulled out my cell phone and tried to dial Michelle's number, her name came up on the screen, but I was unable to reach her and I finally had to give up.
I pulled the woman over to a small room (almost like a closet) and I kept talking with her, trying to have her give me a price. She looked at me and began questioning me as if she feared I might be a narcotics detective. To her probing, I replied, "Its possible."
I quickly added, however, "Its possible, but I'm not."
I told her I had been living in Patriot (the small village in southern Ohio where my grandparents lived when I was a child) during the time that she had been away. As I continued talking, other people began showing up to talk with her, until finally I separated from her and walked into a cramped hallway lined with little stalls for trying on clothes. Several people, including the comedian Jerry Seinfeld, were in one dressing room, obviously using drugs.
I stumbled back to the woman, who was now surrounded by about 10 other people interested in the pills. Although no one seemed to have any money yet, the demand for the pills was obviously strong, and I saw my window of opportunity haplessly closing. My obtaining the pills was looking doubtful, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Although I thought I lived my life independently of the opinions of others, what people thought of me mattered far more than I realized.
Dream of:13 July 2008 "What People Thought"
While sitting inside a building, I looked through a window and watched a group of people outside descending a mountain trail frozen over with ice. I watched as one boy (who at first appeared to have a bob sled, then skies) headed down the trail. Other people (mostly in their 20s and 30s) began walking in a line down the trail.
A thin athletic-looking woman (probably in her mid 30s, not particularly attractive) stepped up in front of me and began talking. Noticing a wall next to us with handguns hanging on it, the woman pulled a handgun from the wall and began talking with me about the gun. When she said she didn't know anyone there, I told her I thought she was the kind of woman who wouldn't have trouble meeting people. After she walked away, a second woman walked up and began talking to me. I thought it interesting that the women were simply approaching me and talking with me. I told the second woman I didn't even know how I had arrived there. She thought that was interesting and when she walked away, I overheard her telling someone that the guy over there (obviously referring to me) didn't even know how he had gotten there. I thought about it more, but I simply couldn't remember how I had come to be there.
When a third woman (with a group of people) walked up to me and mentioned Steve Weinstein (my good friend in my first couple years of college), I stood up and said that I knew someone by that name.
Since I knew there were several Weinstein with the same first name as the Weinstein whom I knew, I wondered if she were talking about the same Weinstein whom I knew. I told her that the Weinstein whom I knew had black hair. Then suddenly I saw Weinstein walking toward me through the group of people. He looked right at me. Probably in his late 30s, he didn't look like himself. His head was shaved with a burr haircut. He asked, "What are you doing here?"
I responded, "What are you doing here?"
Judging his demeanor, I had the feeling that he didn't want to see me.Then I noticed that a boy (maybe around 13 years old) had his arms around Weinstein and was walking behind Weinstein. As Weinstein and the boy walked past me, they looked so peculiar together, I wondered if Weinstein was having some kind of a relationship with the boy. Weinstein's being with the boy seemed a bit perverse. They walked over to a line of people and stood in line. I was a little perturbed because I would have liked to have talked with Weinstein, but seeing him with the boy confused me. When I saw a couple other boys who appeared to be with Weinstein, I continued to wonder if Weinstein were having a depraved relationship with the boys or if he were simply taking care of them.
I walked over to Weinstein and criticized him for not wanting to talk with me. When he didn't respond, I walked away. As I thought about Weinstein and the boy, I also thought aboutMichelle. I wondered what people thought when they saw me with Michelle and when they realized how much younger she was than I. Did people think I was having a perverted relationship with Michelle the way I thought Weinstein might be having a perverted relationship with the boy? I was bothered to think people might have such thoughts about me.
I stepped into a line of people who were headed down some stairs. I walked down some stairs, then through halls, looking for more stairs. I walked past one room with a glass door through which I could see an old beat-up dining table and chairs on the other side. I realized the building was very tall and was still under construction. Construction workers were working in the building. A board was missing on the floor of one hallway, and through the hole where the board was missing I could see the construction going on outside the building. I thought by looking outside I could learn something about how the building was constructed.
As I descended closer to the bottom of the building, I realized my pet Dalmatian Picasso was with me. When we reached some stairs where a couple steps were missing, I picked up Picasso and began carrying him.
When I finally reached the bottom, I walked into a milk house (such as would be found on a farm) and saw some cows. I could see the green grass outside the milk house, and I heard someone say something about my being lost. I walked on out of the milk house.
I was concerned about whether I was taking advantage of Michelle. Even though she was technically a woman, I was so much older than she. I didn't intend to abuse her, but in the long run, I fretted she would ultimately suffer from our relationship.
Dream of:21 July 2008 "Abuse"
I was standing at the front door of the apartment where Michelle and her boyfriend Wayne were living. The apartment was on the second or third floor of the building, and I was standing on a balcony with a railing behind me. The door was glass and I could see inside into the living room, where Michelle and Wayne were standing facing each other, obviously embroiled in a contentious argument. Suddenly Wayne forcefully poked his finger several times into Michelle's chest with such severity, he obviously caused her pain. I immediately became angry, but I was uncertain what to do. After all, Wayne and Michelle lived together.
Nevertheless, I opened the door. I didn't step inside, but I made known my unhappiness with what I had witnessed, and I indicated I didn't intend to stand idly by and let Wayne abuse Michelle. Michelle immediately saw a confrontation brewing. She said something to indicate she didn't want any part of it, and she walked out of the room.
Wayne and I stepped out onto the balcony. He was obviously still angry and I thought he might try to assault me. I told him if he attacked me I would call the police and have him thrown in jail. He was so angry, he looked as if he were about to explode. Quickly, however, he became apologetic and conciliatory. I told him I couldn't believe he was abusing Michelle. He wanted to shake hands and we did so. He told me he wanted to talk more about our mutual relationship with Michelle. In the past we had talked about agreeing to split our time with Michelle -- he would be with Michelle part of the time and I would be with her part time. We had never actually made the agreement, however, and I was uncertain I even wanted to do so. Yet I thought I might be willing. At the moment, however, I was most concerned about Michelle's welfare and I just wanted to be sure Wayne wouldn't abuse her in the future.
As we talked, I realized I was urinating right on the balcony. I wasn't wearing any pants. It seemed peculiar I would be urinating out in the open, but Wayne didn't seem concerned, so I didn't let it bother me.
Although I was prepared to publish to the world the intimate details of my relationship with Michelle, I was still wary of the consequences.
Dream of:03 August 2008 "Bugged"
I was sleeping on my bed in my bedroom in the 17th Street House. When I awoke, I looked around the room for Michelle. At first I thought she had spent the night with me, but finally I realized she wasn't there.
I noticed some boxes sitting on the floor and a tool lying in one box. I thought the tool was used by law enforcement officials to bug houses. I suddenly realized someone might have come into my House to bug it to discover what Michelle and I had been talking about. When I looked more closely at the tool, however, I realized it was something else and not at all what I had first thought. Nevertheless, I started thinking I needed to be careful what I said in the House and also in other places.
Michelle had been diagnosed with a physical affliction of her alimentary canal known as Chron's disease.
Dream of:06 August 2008 "Chron's Disease"
Michelle and I were standing at the foot of a bed in which my father (probably in his 60s) was lying on his back. As Michelle listened, I spoke with my father about Michelle's drug problem and about the possibility of her quitting drugs. Michelle abruptly interrupted me and began trying to explain to my father that she had "Chron's disease" and that she needed the drugs to help her fight the pain. As she spoke, she walked up toward the head of the bed and my father began talking directly to her. He told her that Chron's disease was temporary and that by the time she was 30 years old, she would no longer have the disease. I was definitely surprised to hear that, because I had thought Chron's disease was incurable. I hoped my father knew what he was talking about.
Michelle also suffered from the spiritual malaise of sloth.
Dream of:11 August 2008 "Laziness"
While my father (about 60 years old) and I were in an apartment where he was living, he started talking about Michelle and quickly made clear that he didn't like Michelle's visiting his apartment and that he didn't appreciate the way Michelle lazily sat around and did nothing.
After listening to him, I immediately decided I wouldn't bring Michelle around him anymore. When I told him my peremptory decision, he acted startled, as if he hadn't intended to tell me not to bring her around and as if he had simply wanted to tell me how he felt about Michelle. Nevertheless, I had made up my mind: I was going to show him I wasn't going to allow him to talk about her like that. Having said my piece, I walked out the door.
Outside, I walked along the red-brick apartment building past other apartments. Since Michelle lived in this same apartment complex, I intended to go and tell her what my father had said. As I walked along, I reflected that my father was actually correct: Michelle was slothful. My father's assessment of Michelle's indolence was simply more proof of what I myself believed. So even though I was angry at my father for what he had said, I actually agreed with him, and I felt a bit satisfied that I would now be pointing out to Michelle that my father thought she was lazy.
I finally thought I saw the apartment where Michelle lived. I wasn't sure, but I thought her boyfriend Wayne also lived in the apartment with her. Since the door was open, I looked inside but saw no one. A stairway led to a second floor. Thinking someone might be upstairs, but still unsure I was even at the right apartment, I softly hollered, "Michelle! Michelle!"
No one answered.
For all Michelle's foibles, I still wanted to be with her. I did not want to be with an educated woman my own age - I wanted Michelle. Nevertheless, the tantalizing fantasy of abandoning Michelle had entered my mind.
Dream of:12 August 2008 "Locked Out"
I was in an airport. I headed for a line where I previously stood for several days, waiting for a plane. Along with the others in line, I would leave at night and return the next day to again stand in line. I wasn't getting much closer to the front of the line because the pilot (in charge of boarding) was allowing new arrivals at the end of the line to board before those people standing at the front of the line. Thus the others and I who were already in line had to wait while the new arrivals were quickly boarded. I was determined to say something today to the pilot about the unfairness of the boarding procedure.
When I reached the line to again take my place, I noticed Boley (a female law student with whom I had attended law school in the early 1980s) standing in line. I hadn't seen Boley in a long time. I called to her and she walked up to me. Only about 25 years old, she was gorgeous. I knew that she had married Herrera (another former fellow law student) after law school and that she had settled down in Dallas to practice law. Provocatively attired, she was wearing a skimpy pink dress which barely covered her breasts. I could hardly believe how sexy she looked.
When I spoke with her about the inequitable situation with the line and about my intention to speak with the pilot, she agreed with me one hundred percent. I had trouble concentrating on the problem with the line, however, because I was so awed by Boley's appearance. I even had the feeling she might be willing to get together with me. As we talked, our faces were so close, we were almost touching. I mentioned her husband, Herrera, and I looked back through the line for him. When I didn't see him, I suddenly had the feeling she and Herrera had divorced. Still, I hesitated to suggest that she and I have more than friendly contact. I thought maybe I should simply try to remain friends with her, especially since I needed a friend in Dallas because I was thinking of returning there. She was so ravishing, however, I was unsure what to do.
When a tall slender woman (also about 25 years old) stepped through a door into a room right beside us, I realized the other woman was wearing hardly any clothes. She likewise was beautiful. Right in front of me, without shutting the door, the woman lay down on a bed. Although I couldn't see the woman's pubic area, I realized she was now completely naked. Boley (who also realized the woman was naked) and I stood staring at the woman who (still lying on the bed) kicked the door shut.
Once the door was closed, I began hearing a voice which seemed to be moaning, "Please, please, please ...." As the volume of the voice became louder and louder, I realized the voice was Michelle's and I suddenly recalled I had purposely and spitefully locked Michelle out of this area. Now Michelle was outside trying to get in and I suddenly felt very remorseful about having locked her out.
The joys of old age were unappealing to me. Michelle's youth, on the other hand, was exceedingly alluring, even though our age difference often seemed perverse.
Dream of:21 August 2008 "Lack Of Energy"
I was visiting my old friend Steve Weinstein in the apartment in which he was living in New York City. Weinstein (35-40 years old) and I were sitting in chairs, and a third slender black-haired fellow (probably in his early 20s) with whom Weinstein was living, was also sitting in a chair. As we talked, I concluded that Weinstein's companion was about nine years younger than Weinstein. I wondered if Weinstein (who I now knew was gay) and the fellow had sex with each other, and if they inserted their penises into each others' butts. Their doing something like that seemed strange.
Weinstein looked fatigued and worn out. When I said something about his looking tired, he said that it was true, and that, compared to his companion, he simply didn't have the energy which he used to have.
I thought about myself -- I was going through the same phlegmatic situation with Michelle. She was so much younger than I, and I was running out of energy. Keeping up with Michelle's energy level was becoming increasingly difficult.
Both Weinstein and his companion had packs of cigarettes - Marlboro reds in the box. I asked Weinstein if I could have a cigarette. Although I normally didn't smoke, I thought since I was going to be in New York I might buy a pack. The other fellow pulled out a pack of off-brand cigarettes and handed me the whole pack which appeared to have 30-40 cigarettes stuffed into it. Since he apparently intended to give me the whole pack, I took them.
Drugs, of course, were the reason a youthful Michelle was with me. Far from helping Michelle off drugs, I had become her principal source of funds for the drugs. This was the true perversity of our relationship. My weakness, my desire to enjoy her youthful beauty, threatened to overcome my qualms about Michelle's destroying herself.
Dream of:16 September 2008 "Procuring Pills"
I was visiting a place where my father was living. He wasn't home, but his girlfriend, a little blonde-haired girl (about 25 years old), was there. She was a girlfriend he had on the side, besides his regular woman. After the girl started talking with me, she and I walked over to a bed in the room and sat down. An attractive vivacious little character, she seemed a little high. I wished Michelle was with us because I thought Michelle and the girl would probably get along well. The girl pulled out something and said something about a "football", which I knew was a word for the nerve pill "Xanex", also known as "zanys." Already sensing what she was going to do, I asked her if she did "zanys." She proceeded to pull out a little bottle and dump several pills onto the bed: five or six dull-green 80-milligram Oxycontins, several little yellow round pills (which I identified as the "footballs"), and some bright-green pills with a big "P" imprinted on them (which I knew were 60-milligram zanys). I had only recently learned what all these pills looked like.
I was only half-way surprised to see the pills. As the girl rummaged through the pills, I thought I might even try one of the zanys. I asked her how many of the 80-milligram Oxycontins she did a day, and she said she did thirteen. I thought to myself that my father must be giving the girl enormous sums of money to be allowing her to take so many pills. I wondered how he could be critical of me for helping Michelle obtain pills if he were helping this girl do so many pills.
I asked the girl how much she was paying for the pills. She said that she wasn't sure because my father bought the pills for her, but that he was paying $55-$60 per pill. I told her I could procure pills for her cheaper than that and I thought to myself I could obtain the pills for $50 apiece and sell them to my father for $60, thereby making $130 a day just by selling him pills. I concluded that I might be able to start procuring pills for my father and selling them to him.
It looked as if the girl was going to use some of the pills right there if front of me.
My willingness to continue my relationship with Michelle, even though I knew she couldn't be trusted, caused me increasing anxiety.
Dream of:25 September 2008 "Stealing Money"
Michelle was sitting next to me on a bed. Her 18 year-old half-brother, Ray, was also in the room. Suddenly I noticed that my wallet had slipped out of my pocket and that Michelle had her hands on it. She had already pulled several bills out of the wallet. I twisted around, started grabbing the bills from her, and hollered, "You already stole eight hundred dollars from me!"
As soon as I had spoken, I realized the sum she had previously stolen from me was more like six hundred than eight hundred dollars. I thought of saying to her, "Take it all. Get out. And don't come back."
I realized, however, that she might indeed take all the money and leave if I told her to do so. Since I really didn't want her to take the money, I didn't say that. Instead, I simply kept trying to get the money back from her.
I continued to delude myself that Michelle and I could have some kind of normal relationship.
Dream of:08 October 2008 "Normal People"
After I had been waiting for Michelle for a long time at the 17th Street House, she finally showed up with a fellow with a gun and began stealing everything in the House. All of Michelle's so-called "brothers" were also present (except for one brother who had died that very day). I particularly noted that they were stealing some apples which I had been selling for Michelle. I even had to carry the apples out of the House because Michelle wouldn't do it. They stripped the House, even hauling off the doors. I wasn't happy with what was going on, but things had gotten so out of hand, I even helped them carry out some doors, and then finally accompanied them to a house somewhere out in the country.
All I wanted was for Michelle to leave the fellow and go with me to rent some movies which we could watch together. I thought I might also invite in some "normal" people for Michelle to look at, but I simply couldn't convince her to see things my way.
I still thought I could reach Michelle. I thought our relationship had a meaningful purpose, and I thought I would discover that purpose in my dreams. I tried to focus more.
Dream of:10 October 2008 "Cancelled Service"
While I was holding a phone to my right ear, I was surprised to hear Michelle's voice on the other end because she and I had just had a big fight and I had cancelled her phone service. Unable to believe what I was hearing, I thought I must be dreaming and I even said, "I think I'm dreaming.
Michelle said something, then stopped speaking, but I could hear her breathing, and I kept saying, "Michelle. Michelle."
I thought she might have gone to sleep. I also thought she might be with a fellow with whom I had seen her talking earlier in the evening. I figured that she might be at the fellow's house and that she might be using someone else's phone. Since she still wasn't saying anything, I finally told her I was going to hang up. I thought I would then check my phone to see the number from which she had called, then try to call her back, even though I doubted I would be able to reach her again.
I thought I heard some in the background say, "Michelle."
Since no one in my life had ever given me as much pleasure as Michelle, the thought of ending our relationship was difficult to accept, even though I had always known Michelle was only temporary. I was convinced I would never again find anyone as beautiful as Michelle. Michelle had consumed so much of my life, I had sometimes temporarily set aside looking for the mystical side of my nature, even though I was aware that my attachment to the physical world had become a troublesome impediment to any spiritual development.
Dream of:10 October 2008 "Breaking Up"
I was walking on a street close to the Gay Street House (the elaborate Victorian home where I had lived as a teenager in Portsmouth) when I saw my sister in an old gray van (which looked somewhat like a jeep) pulling out of the parking lot behind the House, and I hollered at her. I had been living in a small room on 23rd Street in Portsmouth. I figured that my sister would be headed in that direction and that she could give me a ride. I didn't think she was going to stop, but when she heard me and pulled over, I ran up and jumped into the vehicle. She knew I needed a ride and she knew where I wanted to go. When she started driving again, I told her to go to Kinney's Lane, which I thought was close to my place.
Several children were in the van and a woman (about 25 years old) was lying down in a seat in the back. Reflecting that I had just broken up with Michelle, I lay down in the seat next to the moderately attractive woman, who clearly indicated she would be willing to have sex with me. When I asked her if she wanted to have sex right then, she responded, "Yea."
I asked her where she wanted to go and she said we could go to her place. When I told my sister to drop me off at the woman's place, my sister gave me a knowing look, as if she knew what I was doing. I thought it strange that I would be having sex with a woman who apparently was a friend of my sister.
When the woman said something about her boyfriend or her husband being in Korea right then, I thought he might be in the military, but I wasn't sure whether she was still with him or whether they had separated. Apparently, at least, he was far away. When she also mentioned she would have "'to get something to use" so she wouldn't get pregnant, I said I didn't know if anything could do that. When I asked her if she had any children, she started counting, "'One, two, three ..." all the way up to eight and a half. That sounded like a lot.
She was attractive, but a little plump. I thought after eight and a half children, she might be a little worn-out, and I mentally compared her to Michelle. She definitely wasn't as good-looking as Michelle, but she wasn't that bad. To myself I thought Michelle would probably wonder what kind of woman I would end up with if I weren't with her. I knew I wasn't going to find anyone as good-looking as Michelle, but this woman was acceptable.
I thought more about Michelle as we continued on. I knew Michelle didn't live far away and I thought perhaps I should call her before I had sex with this woman, to give Michelle a warning of what I was going to do, even though I really didn't want to call. Besides, I was having doubts about having sex with the woman, even though I thought I probably would.
Suddenly, as we were descending a hill, the van stopped running. My sister continued coasting, reached the bottom of the hill, turned left, and began coasting up another hill. Apparently she thought if she were going up a hill, she could somehow jump-start the van. When the van failed to start back up, my sister coasted into an alley and into a building at the rear of the alley.
After my sister stopped the van in the rear of the building, we all climbed out, including the children, who began running around. I was surprised to discover (inside the building) a quaint little round house surrounded by a fence. As I looked at the house overtop the fence, I thought to myself it looked like an "elf house." I told the others what I had seen on the other side of the fence and I said I thought an elf lived there.
Then I noticed something strange sitting on the ground in front of me. It looked like a little orange cat made of cloth. Someone said the cat was the elf. When I walked up to the cat and it suddenly moved, I exclaimed that the cat was the elf. It started running around, then turned into a ball and bounced around. I started trying to catch it and when I finally did catch it, I cried, "I gotch you! I gotch you!"
When I looked in my hand, however, I only had some little orange bars. Suddenly I saw the orange elf-cat sitting in front of me on the ground again, and again it ran, and again I chased it. Still holding the orange bars in my hand, I was unsure how the elf-cat was once again running around.
As my money and property slowly disappeared, Michelle and I continued our sex-for-money deals.
Dream of:31 October 2008 "Deals"
Michelle had been selling Oxycontins. She and I had made a deal so she was supposed to bring her profits to me to hold for her. She had failed, however, to keep her money straight and when she wasn't able to give me the money, the deal fell through. I began thinking if I would take some control of her operation, I would be able to keep some of the profit for her and alleviate the problem she was having keeping her money straight.
I decided to immediately call Michelle and tell her what I was thinking. I picked up the phone, hit a button, and heard Michelle's voice on the other end. I quickly realized Michelle was talking with a fellow and by hitting the button, I had been able to tap into Michelle's phone conversation. I heard her ask the fellow if he were going to be in Charleston. Finally she hung up, but I continued to hear music and I could hear Michelle talking to someone else in the background not on the phone. Michelle sounded angry and I thought I might get an insight into Michelle's personality if I could hear what she was saying when I wasn't with her. Then I heard her say, "I'll have Steve come over Wednesday and do a now for the deed."
I knew when she said "do a now" she was referring to having sex with me. I didn't know what she meant by "deed", but I thought she must be referring to a property deed to one of my houses. I concluded she must be conjuring up some kind of deal to have sex with me in exchange for a property deed.
Michelle and I were both entrapped by our attachments to the physical world. If she couldn't have what she wanted, her anger was ready to explode.
Dream of:14 November 2008 "Avoiding A Fight"
Michelle and I were in a car which I was driving. We were looking for a lawnmower which I had bought from Eddie Estepp (an offensively malevolent former tenant of one of my rental houses in Portsmouth) and which had subsequently been stolen from me. As Michelle and I rode around, we passed a little white building which was used as a store for people to buy and sell items. Eddie was standing outside the building with my lawnmower.
I stopped the car, stepped out, and started walking toward Eddie, trying to position myself behind a big tree so Eddie wouldn't see me approaching. When I was close to him, I stepped out from behind the tree.
Two women were with Eddie, one of which was his wife, Liza. As soon as Eddie and the two women saw me, Eddie stood still, but the two women stepped up in front of me and made it clear that they were not going to give up the lawnmower.
Michelle had also stepped out of the car and followed me. I didn't want any trouble, but I was afraid Michelle might start a fight with the women. I was willing to just forget about the lawnmower and leave. I definitely didn't want to see Michelle in a fight with one of the women.
Despite all the negatives, I was still proud to have been with Michelle.
Dream of:19 November 2008 "Proud"
I was in a big two-story brick house which resembled a house in Columbus, Ohio where my old college pal Randy Ramey lived in the early 1970s when he had attended The Ohio State University. When I walked out of the house, I saw someone having a yard sale right in the middle of the street. I considered walking over to the sale, but I wasn't interested enough at first. Finally, however, I decided to mosey over and see what was for sale.
People were browsing around a table with items piled on it, but everything had been picked over and little of interest remained. I was happily surprised to look to my side and see my old high school and college friend Steve Weinstein standing there. He was short (only about a meter tall), but he looked hale and hearty (probably in his early 20s). I stepped closer to him and said hi. Although we weren't effusive, I wanted to talk with him.
Five or six other fellows (also in their early 20s) were with Weinstein. They were all normal height. Weinstein and I talked for a few minutes until I thought about Michelle and I told Weinstein I was dating a girl only 21 years old. I knew Michelle was beautiful and I was proud to tell him I was with a 21 year-old. Weinstein seemed interested. I thought Michelle would be with me a little later and I hoped I would be able to introduce her to Weinstein.
On November 15, 2008, Michelle was arrested on an outstanding warrant for possession of a controlled substance, Xanex. She had originally been arrested in Indiana in 2007, had posted a bond, then fled. Now the law had caught up with her. I focused on her legal problems and tried to help her.
Dream of:19 November 2008 "In Jail"
I answered Michelle's cell phone and immediately recognized the caller as Michelle's well-to-do friend, Barnhart. When I said something, he said, "Oh, I thought it was Michelle."
I replied, "No, she's in jail."
I began explaining to him that Michelle had been picked up on an outstanding warrant out of Indiana. I told him that she had been charged with possession of Xanex and that she was in the Scioto County jail awaiting extradition to Indiana. I didn't go into any details about how she had been arrested. I told him I had visited the jail every day, but I had been unable to see her. There was nothing I could do for her -- I almost felt like crying.
Barnhart listened. I knew he had problems of his own. I was surprised to even be hearing from him because I knew he himself was in jail.
He didn't seem to have anything else to say and I fell silent. I sat and tried to think of something, but I couldn't come up with anything.
I knew a little about what jail was like myself. I had spent time in prison in 1978 (when I had been 25 years old) when I had been arrested in Tabriz, Iran and charged with smuggling a car into Iran. I spent eight months in an Iranian jail. Now Michelle and I would at least have the experience of jail in common.
Dream of:01 December 2008 "Age Difference"
I seemed to be in a building on the campus of Shawnee State University in Portsmouth. Sitting at a table, I looked to my right and saw Vickie seated at the same table (Vickie had been my girlfriend for a few months in 1978 when she had been about 19 years old, about 7 years my junior). I was surprised to see her (she was now probably in her early 30s). She was attractive and I liked what I saw. I looked at her without saying anything. I hadn't seen her in so long, I wondered what she had been doing all these years. But when I began talking to her and asked her about her life, she seemed reluctant to tell me anything. I recalled having heard a rumor that she had joined the military and I wondered if the rumor were true. Finally I asked her if she were married and she told me she was divorced. I asked her if she had children and she said she had two, but when she started talking about the ages of the children it sounded as if she were talking about more than just two children.
Another person also sitting at the table was listening to the conversation.
Vickie started talking about dreams which I had had of her and which she had read. She said she had read some of the dreams the previous night. I was surprised that she had obviously enjoyed the dreams.
I seemed to remember having sent her some of my dreams in which she had appeared. She said I had also sent her many other dreams, not merely the ones in which she had appeared. I recalled I used to send my dreams to different people, so I thought I might have sent some to Vickie.
I finally asked, "Did you get my letters from prison?"
I recalled that after I had left Vickie in 1977, I had traveled to Iran and been thrown in prison. I had written letters to Vickie from prison, but she had never answered. Since I had never seen her again, I had always wondered if she had received the letters.
When Vickie said no, she hadn't received the letters, I immediately thought Vickie's mother must have intercepted the letters and destroyed them. Unexpectedly, however, Vickie said, "Yes, I got 'em."
She suddenly seemed to become upset and she didn't seem to want to continue the conversation. She stood up, and as she bent over for an instant (she was wearing a low-cut top), I noticed what fine large breasts she had. She seemed unsure what to do, as if she wanted to leave, but as if she didn't want to leave.
As I began thinking Vickie and I might start seeing each other again, Michelle passed through my mind. Since I knew I was still seeing Michelle, I wondered what Vickie would think if she saw me with Michelle, so young and beautiful. I also wondered what Vickie would think of the vast age difference between Michelle and me.
As Michelle languished in jail, I hoped that she at least might be able to kick her drug habit while there.
Dream of:01 December 2008 "Drug Habit"
I had moved into one room in a building (which seemed to be in Hurst, Texas, the town in which I lived for 12 years from 1993 to 2006) where a number of other people were living. As I was sitting in my room, I began thinking I would like to smoke some marijuana, but I didn't know where to find any. When a skinny fellow (around 25 years old) who also lived in the building walked into my room, I asked him if he knew where I could find some marijuana, and he said he did. He asked me how much I wanted, and I told him I only wanted a couple joints. He straightway pulled out a couple joints and handed them to me.
The fellow (who was apparently gay) said something about having sex and he pulled down his pants, revealing an extremely small penis. I was utterly disgusted. After I told him that I wasn't gay and that I didn't want to have sex with him, he pulled his pants back up.
I lit up one of the joints. Since the fellow hadn't left, I realized he wanted to smoke with me. I passed the joint to him and he to me, back and forth. As we smoked, I worried a little about the smoke drifting out of the room to where someone might smell it.
The room didn't have a ceiling, but just steel girders under the roof. Looking at the girders, I thought it might be possible to climb up on the girders, scoot around over the other rooms in the building and see what other people were doing in their rooms. Since women inhabited some rooms, I thought I might even be able to watch them dressing at night.
Several other people walked into the room. Since I had left a pack of Marlboro cigarettes on the bed, I wondered if someone would steal them. When one fellow, who walked into the room, laid a baggie on the bed, I wondered if it contained marijuana. I picked up the baggie and looked in it. The baggie was full of all kinds of different pills. When I also noticed a piece of concrete in the baggie, I asked, "What's that?"
I noticed that the concrete was cracked in the middle and that it contained a cavity inside. Within the cavity were some pills, which I realized were Oxycontin. Acting as if I knew all about Oxycontin, I asked, "How much are those?"
He replied, "Twenty."
At first I thought they were thirty milligram oxys, but then I asked, "Are they forties?"
He replied, "Yea."
That meant he was selling 40-milligram tablets of Oxycontin for $20, which was about half the regular price. I wasn't interested in buying them, but I thought about Michelle (who I knew was in jail at the moment). If she weren't in jail, that would be a cheap price for her to pay for oxys. I was sure she would like to have some.
I told the fellow I was nervous about having the pills in the room. I was also nervous because about 10 people were now in the room. I didn't want them to stay and I finally said that everyone was going to have to leave. As people started filing out, I noticed another baggie which did have marijuana in it. I picked up the baggie and asked to whom it belonged. When a pretty girl (about 20 years old) standing behind me said the baggie belonged to her, I told her I would like to have some of the marijuana and she asked me how much I wanted. I told her I only wanted $10 worth. She said that was ok and as she prepared the marijuana for me, she asked me if I would be wanting more. I replied, "Yea."
I was a little concerned, however. I thought to myself that I had just spent $20, and now I was going to be wanting more. It looked as if I were again getting back into the drug habit.
My life had become so enmeshed with Michelle and her history, extricating myself proved difficult.
Dream of:22 December 2008 "Mistaken Identity"
I was looking for Michelle at Carol's house in Portsmouth (Carol was a woman my age who took Michelle in at the age of 11 and took care of her). I was in a room with Carol, and the three sons of Carol's boyfriend who lived with her. Carol was wearing a long ugly flannel nightgown. She bent over for a moment, then stood back up and as she buttoned the top of her nightgown, she said to me, "You're always looking."
She was insinuating I had been looking at her breasts when she had been bent over. I told her I hadn't been looking at her. And I hadn't. She wasn't at all attractive. She was probably in her mid 50s and I wasn't remotely interested in her. I was angered that she had accused me of trying to see her breasts.
I walked out of the room to continue looking for Michelle. After I started hollering for her, I thought I heard her upstairs. I walked up the stairs, entered a room and saw Michelle sitting in a chair. I walked over to her and immediately told her I was leaving her and that I didn't want to have anything else to do with her. Upset with the way she had been behaving lately, I had decided to leave.
She was looking right at me. As I continued to look into her face, I slowly realized the woman wasn't Michelle at all, but Michelle's grandmother. She looked somewhat like Michelle, but she was probably in her 60s. She was smiling, apparently flattered that I had mistaken her for Michelle. For myself, I was simply amazed I could have mistaken the old woman for Michelle.
I turned away and started hollering again for Michelle. I thought I could hear her somewhere in the house and I continued looking for her.
As beautiful as Michelle was, her refusal to try to accomplish anything proved tedious.
Dream of:23 December 2008 "Talented"
Michelle, looking pretty and chipper, was sitting straight across a table from me. A black-haired girl who was a friend of Michelle's was also sitting at the table to my right. Both Michelle and the black-haired girl had been living with me for a few days.
I was upset with Michelle. Although she had moved in with me, she still continued to run inanely back to her boyfriend Wayne's apartment to see him. I told her I was sick of that. I was also upset because Michelle hadn't been accomplishing anything with her time and I told her I was tired of her not doing anything. Since I knew she had an interest in rap singing, I had hoped she might be able to develop her rap interest over the internet.
I told her if she was going to keep running back and forth to Wayne's, she was either going to have to move in with him, or she was going to have to start accomplishing something. I told her she was going to have to start working on her music career. I said I would help her set up the computers and whatever she needed so she could connect on-line with other musicians and start making music.
I told her that she needed to practice and that she needed to work on her voice, which I said she was ruining with cigarettes. I told her that she didn't even care about her voice and that she didn't even know how to go up and down the octave scale. I tried to impress on her that the voice was like a musical instrument which needed to be trained and that she needed to work on training her voice.
After she became angry by what I was saying, stood up and walked out of the room, I turned to the black-haired girl and told her I would probably have to find someone to replace Michelle and to stay with me. However, since Michelle was so unique, I knew replacing her would be difficult.
The black-haired girl (probably in her early 20s) was attractive. When I asked her if she might be interested in replacing Michelle, she acted coy, as if she weren't even going to respond to my question. Finally, however, she indicated she might be interested in taking Michelle's place. We talked a little more about it and although I had my doubts, I thought she might be endued with some artistic promise. We stood and walked into the next room so I could give her a little audition.
When she began singing and doing some dance steps, I quickly saw she had no talent. Although she was trying hard, her vapid dancing was lame. I felt bad. I knew Michelle had talent, but Michelle wouldn't use her talent. This girl was trying to use her talent, but she had none. This girl was hopeless. Replacing Michelle obviously wouldn't be easy.
Assuming she didn't destroy herself first, I figured that Michelle would have a whole other life after me. I hoped it would be a happy one. Maybe she would even meet the right fellow and even have children someday.
Dream of:28 December 2008 "The Secret"
I was sitting in room with a clean-cut, well-dressed family -- a mother, father and several grown children. A piano was sitting in front of me with the keyboard side facing me. One member of the family sat down at the piano and began playing while all the others gathered around the piano and began singing, "White Christmas." I found the scene rather insipid.
Michelle (who looked a little more mature than normal, perhaps in her mid 20s) was sitting to my right. When she stood up, I thought she was also going to start singing, until I noticed that another slender black-haired fellow (probably in his late 20s) had walked into the room and was standing with the other family members. He was wearing a gray suit and he looked Hispanic. With no idea who the fellow was, I was astounded when Michelle stepped up to him and kissed him on the mouth. He said something to Michelle and they both headed for the door.
Michelle was walking in front of him and as she reached the door, I realized she was carrying two children (probably about one year and two years old), one in each arm. I thought the fellow must have given her the children without my having seen it.
After Michelle had walked out the door, I stood up and caught up with the fellow. We walked outside into a hallway, as if we were in an office building. As Michelle walked down the hallway ahead of us, I said to the fellow, "Who are you?"
He replied, "Ephraim __________, ex-alcoholic."
I thought that was a funny way for someone to introduce himself.
We continued walking toward Michelle, who was walking fast ahead of us. I asked the fellow, "Whose babies are those?"
He said they belonged to Michelle. I was again astounded. I had always thought Michelle had some kind of secret which she had been hiding from me. Now I had discovered she had two babies about which she had never told me. I didn't know what to think.
Michelle reached an elevator, turned to her right and stepped on. The fellow and I hurried toward the elevator, but just as we reached it, the doors shut. She was headed down. I knew we were on the third floor. Since the stairs were right next to the elevator, I thought Ephraim and I could walk down the stairs together, and I could ask him more questions about the babies. I wanted to know where the babies had come from and whether he was the father. He seemed reluctant to walk down the stairs, however, as if he wanted to wait for the elevator and as if he didn't want to walk down the stairs with me. I tried to make up my mind whether to wait with him or walk down the stairs by myself.
Seeing myself as others see me has proven extremely difficult.
Dream of:01 January 2009 "Bison"
Michelle came to visit me in a house where I was living. She looked younger than usual (perhaps 17-18 years old). Her boyfriend Wayne and a second fellow were with her. Wayne didn't look anything like his normal self. He was only about 20 years old, had black hair and was thin. He and the other fellow sat down on a couch in the living room while Michelle sat down in an easy chair.
My father walked into the room and lay down on the couch were Wayne and the other fellow were sitting. My father took up half the couch, leaving the other two crunched together on the end.
I walked out of the room for a moment, then stood in the hallway looking back in at Michelle. She looked so young and innocent. Her beautiful blonde hair seemed to glisten.
I walked back in to her. She was holding a coloring book in her hand. On the page were several boxes with a different picture in each box. She was working on one picture, which I looked at. It depicted a big wooly animal which looked like a wooly mammoth, but which I identified as a "bison." Michelle was coloring it brown. She pointed to it and laconically said that I was that animal.
I hoped that Michelle and I would maintain a cordial relationship if our romantic affair came to an end.
Dream of:01 January 2009 "In The Papers"
While sitting on the floor in a room, I heard my cell pone vibrating. I looked around the room, didn't see the phone at first, then spotted it lying next to my computer. I picked it up and looked at the name of the caller on the screen. At first I thought it said "Pam" (the name of one of my renters), then realized the name was "Paz" (my ex-mother-in-law, the mother of my ex-wife, Carolina). After I clicked the answer button, put the phone to my ear, and said hello, Paz answered.
As we began talking, I was thinking Paz was the mother of Michelle (who I called Carolina while talking with Paz). Every time I said "Carolina", I actually had Michelle pictured in my mind. I knew that Michelle and I had had a contentious fight the previous night and that Michelle had left me. I wanted to talk with Michelle, but I now had no way of reaching her, so I was glad Paz had called because I thought she might have talked with Michelle.
When I answered, I started to say "Como estás?" and speak with Paz in Spanish, as we usually did. Paz however said a few words in English, so I responded in English instead of Spanish. As Paz continued talking in English, I was impressed by her command of the language and how clear her voice sounded.
She immediately began complaining because I hadn't called her in such a long time. When she said it had been 16 months, I figured surmised that that was the length of time since I had last seen her. I felt guilty and I told her that I was sorry and that I should have called her sooner. I almost felt like telling her I would come to Texas, just to see her.
When she said she was now "stone blind in one eye", I told her I was sorry to hear that.
I was mainly concerned, however, about Michelle. I asked Paz if she had heard anything about Carolina (meaning Michelle). Paz said she hadn't heard anything except what she read in the papers. I was surprised by what she had said, and I tried to imagine what could have been in the papers about Michelle. Suddenly I realized Michelle might have gotten married, and I asked, "Did Carolina get married?"
Although I occasionally lost sight of my ultimate purpose for being with Michelle, I was always able to regain my consciousness and see her ever more clearly.
Dream of:22 January 2009 "Losing Consciousness"
Michelle and I were both standing in the living room of the 17th Street House. We had both taken some drugs, and suddenly I felt light-headed and torpid, almost as if I were going to pass out. I fell over on my left side onto the pink couch. Although still conscious, I felt as if I might completely pass out. I was still moving my right hand, which was hanging over the side of the couch. Michelle seemed concerned I might die, and she was repeating something which sounded like, "Don't die."
I knew I wasn't going to die, but I was concerned I might actually lose consciousness. Since I knew that I had about $150 in my billfold, and that Michelle would take the money if I passed out, I needed to stay awake. I could already feel her pulling a piece of cloth out from under me, perhaps an article of clothing.
Although everything around me had turned black, I tried to maintain my consciousness, and gradually my eyes opened and I began waking up.
I was so determined to continue my sexual experiments with Michelle, I sometimes failed to even notice the monstrous world in which I was operating.
Dream of:22 January 2009 "Operation"
I was with Michelle and Michelle's attractive black-haired friend, Brittney (Michelle's age). At the same time that I was getting ready to have sex with Michelle, I was also talking about having sex with Brittney. When Brittney pulled down her pants, however, I noticed one small penis (about five centimeters long) as well as a couple other small penises. It seemed that Brittney had an extra set of legs (four legs in total) with a penis between every two legs.
I decided to operate on Brittney and cut off the middle penis. As soon as I began cutting, however, I realized Brittney was actually in another body which was walking around in the room. As I cut, I asked Brittney if she were in any pain, and she said no. Apparently she wasn't feeling pain because she was actually in the other body which was walking around the room. Michelle helped me as I finished cutting off the middle penis.
I decided to cut off the other two penises as well. Before I could begin the operation, however, Michelle grabbed one of the other penises and simply twisted it off. It was an ugly sight. When Michelle said she was going to do the same thing to the last remaining penis, I told her I intended to cut it off instead. With the body stretched out in front of me, I wielded the razor which I had picked up and I began cutting on the last penis. I had difficulty, however, and I couldn't manage to completely sever the penis.
At the same time, I was contemplating having sex with both Michelle and Brittney when I finished the operation, even though cutting off the final penis was proving tedious.
More and more often I contemplated abandoning Michelle, but all my attempts failed.
Dream of:02 February 2009 "Leaving"
Michelle and I were sitting in a bed in an upstairs bedroom of the House in Patriot (the cottage where my mother's parents lived when I was a child). Upset with Michelle, I stood up out of the bed. I had decided that I had had enough of her and that I didn't want to be with her anymore. As I was talking with her, I slipped and was just about to call her Carolina. I stopped myself just as I said "Car..."' , but then went ahead and said the whole name "Carolina" anyway.
Michelle had been making me unhappy lately and I had decided I was simply going to leave her. While she spoke to me as I stood beside the bed, I blurted, "You left me, now I'm leaving you."
I reached out my hands toward her, as if I were going to choke her, and I said, "I'm never coming back. Instead, I'm going to kill you."
I had no intention of killing her. I was just trying to scare her a little.
I bailed Michelle out of the Indiana jail in mid December 2008. She returned to Portsmouth and waited to go to court on her drug case in Indiana.
Dream of:06 February 2009 "Sentenced"
Dressed in a suit, I was with Michelle on her criminal case in an Indiana courtroom. Although her lawyer, Andrew Antrim (a stocky fellow with curly black hair), was with her, I was also representing her. We only intended to make a plea, and we didn't expect the judge to pass sentence. However, after Michelle and I stood up in front of the banal judge (who was sitting on the bench and who somewhat resembled the judge played by Fred Gwynne in the movie My Cousin Vinney), the judge said that he was finding Michelle guilty, that he was fining her $9, that he was sentencing her to one year in jail, and that he was putting her on probation for 10 years.
I was shocked. I was happy that Michelle had only received a one year jail sentence, but unhappy that she would be on probation for 10 years. Since I knew the maximum sentence which Michelle could receive for her offense was three years, I hadn't thought she could receive probation for more than three years. When I told the judge what I thought, he paid no attention to me. Instead, he stood up and walked out of the courtroom.
Antrim and I walked back to the judge's chambers, where the judge had already sat down. After Antrim shook the judge's hand, I stepped up to the judge to shake his hand. I wanted to make sure I gave him a firm shake, and I was surprised when I felt his hand to be completely limp. When I asked him how long the probation would be, he said it would last one year. I was relieved. Apparently the judge had simply made a mistake when he had spoken on the bench.
I told the judge I was glad we had taken this route instead of going to a trial by jury. Since the judge didn't seem to have much to say and didn't seem to want to spend more time on the matter, I turned around and walked out. I was happy as I headed back toward Michelle. I thought even if she failed her probation, she would only be in jail for six months (since in Indiana she received two days credit for every day served in jail). As we walked out, I told Antrim the sentence had turned out better than we had hoped. He agreed.
Standing on the sidelines of drug addiction, I only glimpsed the incredible power that drugs could wield over a person.
Dream of:12 February 2009 "Pills"
As Don (one of Michelle's so-called brothers, he was Michelle's age and had lived in the same house as Michelle when she had been a teenager) and I were walking together across an athletic field close to a school, I fortuitously noticed a dark blue satchel lying on the ground. Thinking an athlete might have left the satchel, I said to Don, "What's that?"
When he replied that it was a pill satchel, I bent over and picked it up. I opened the satchel and saw some rope lying on top, but when I shook the satchel, I could hear pills rattling around inside. Looking closer, I saw several clear round plastic trays (about eight centimeters in diameter). As we continued walking, I pulled out one tray and saw some red pills inside, which I thought might be Oxycontin.
We walked on until we reached the Gallia County Farmhouse, entered and walked upstairs to the second floor to the middle bedroom. I looked at the red pills more carefully. They were a generic brand of oxycodone, not the brand name Oxycontin. I thought they were 80 milligrams, although they didn't look as big as normal 80 milligram pills. I asked Don what he thought. He was hanging over me, watching, as I pulled out a second round tray which contained perhaps 100 little green pills. I figured they were 20 milligram pills and I told Don they were worth $20 apiece, but he said they were only worth $5 apiece. I thought I would end up giving Don some, maybe even half. When I spilled some pills, Don began scraping them up, and as he put them back in the tray, I could tell he was stealing some. I told him the pills were mine. I realized he was probably entitled to some since he had been with me when I had found them, but I didn't want to give him half. Other trays with more pills were still in the satchel.
I thought about calling Michelle and telling her what I had found. She had also been at the athletic field. I had thought she would have walked from the field with me, but she had stayed there.
I ate a little piece of one of the red pills, which tasted sweet and good. I had intended to give some to Don, but I didn't feel like giving him any after I knew he had already taken some from me. As Don and I talked about the pills, I suddenly heard someone coming. I stuck the trays back in the satchel and put the satchel under an end-table.
Don's older brother, Alan, walked into the room. Muscular, unsmiling, Alan saw the satchel, picked it up and held on to it. When I saw that Don had one of the trays in his hand, I thought he and Alan were going to try to divide the pills three-ways with me, but suddenly I realized Don and Alan were going to try to steal all the pills from me. I said something to them about it, but I didn't know what I was going to do. Alan was stronger than I, and I didn't know how I could prevent his stealing the pills. I thought my .38 caliber handgun might be in the side-bedroom, but I figured if I left to fetch the gun, they would leave before I was able to return. Perplexed, I was unsure what I would do.
I often had the presentiment that Michelle would ultimately cause me harm.
Dream of:12 March 2009 "Criminal Behavior"
Michelle and I were in the kitchen of a place which resembled the Logan Street House (a cottage in Portsmouth where my mother lived from 1971-1977). When I noticed Michelle giving me a funny look, I had the feeling something strange was going on, but I wasn't sure what. We talked and Michelle said, "I didn't tell you everything my dad did."
I didn't know what she meant by that, but I suddenly had the feeling that her father had once been involved in criminal behavior, and that she was now going to commit a similar criminal act against me. I still, however, wasn't sure what kind of criminal act was involved. She stepped close to me, put her arms around me, and said, "Don't take your hands off me, Steve."
I had the feeling something terrible would happen if I let her go, but I wasn't sure what. I also began thinking another person was going to help her commit the crime against me. I thought of asking her what she intended to do to me and in my mind I could hear her continuing, "Because we're going to kill you."
I did not think of Michelle as an exhibitionist, but she did know how to put on a show.
Dream of:17 March 2009 "Exposed"
Late at night, I was on the second floor of a house which resembled the House in Patriot (the home of my maternal grandparents when I was a child). Quite a few people, including Michelle, were having a little party downstairs. Michelle knew I was in the House, but she thought I was asleep. I figured it didn't make any difference to her whether I was asleep.
I walked downstairs and looked into the room where Michelle was. Several other people were in the room and Michelle was with a thin fellow (probably in his early 20s) with a burr haircut. She was wearing a fancy pale blue dress (like one I had seen in an old picture of her). I stood outside the room and watched her around the corner of the door, with the feeling that she knew I was watching her, but that she didn't really care.
While the fellow was sitting in a chair, Michelle put her arms around him, brazenly climbed onto his lap, and sat atop him. She then blatantly bent over so one of her breasts popped out. Everyone in the room saw and someone even said something. Michelle didn't care -- clearly she had intentionally exposed herself.
I was disgusted with the repugnant scene. I thought to myself that I simply didn't want to be involved with someone like that. Watching her was definitely eye-opening.
I seemed to have an abiding fear that board by board, Michelle would take everything I had.
Dream of:01 April 2009 "Boarded Window"
While I was at the 29th Street House (the home in Portsmouth where my mother lived from 1977-2003), Michelle showed up and asked me to give her some money. When I denied her request, she picked up something like a board, held it over a window, and refused to leave. I couldn't figure out how she intended to extract money from me simply by holding something over the window. I thought maybe she intended to take the window, but I wasn't sure.
I knew we both needed to leave soon, but I couldn't leave with her in the House, and I couldn't persuade her to leave. I couldn't understand what her plan was, but I was afraid if I left the House, she might try to rob it. Her actions weren't making sense to me, but I simply wasn't sure what to do.
As time passed, it became clearer that neither Michelle nor I was able to abandon the other.
Dream of:29 April 2009 "A Pleasant Kiss"
I was in a room where a bunch of chairs had been set up for a meeting which was going to take place. When I sat down, a very pretty blonde-haired girl (probably in her late teens) walked up and sat down on my lap. I had seen the girl before, but I really didn't know her. Our faces came together and we engaged in an extremely pleasant kiss. Her lips were especially soft and pleasurable.
I was worried, however, that Michelle might show up. Wanting to stop kissing, I pulled my face away from the girl and was just about to tell her we had to stop because Michelle might arrive. When I looked up, I saw that Michelle had walked into the room and was standing right in front of me. As I tried to make the girl stand up from my lap, Michelle looked at me as if she were going to cry and then walked out of the room.
When the girl finally climbed off my lap, I stood up and walked outside into a hallway. Three other girls (all about 20 years old) were standing gathered around Michelle as if they were protecting her. They didn't want to allow me close to Michelle. I walked up to them and began pushing them away. I grabbed Michelle, pulled her close to me and tried to explain that I didn't even know the girl and that she had simply walked up to me and thrown herself on me. I hoped Michelle would understand and take me back.
Michelle struggled to understand why I would want to write a book about her.
Dream of:13 May 2009 "Thirteen Books"
As I was showing a house to an attractive woman (around 40 years old), she and I walked into a room and immediately began having sex. As we proceeded, I soon began thinking about Michelle and I wondered what I would think if I knew Michelle were having sex with another man. I started wondering where Michelle was, recalled she was living with her boyfriend, Wayne, and concluded she probably did have sex with another man.
My thoughts of Michelle became so vivid in my mind, I began to imagine I was actually talking to her on the phone. She had been with me earlier and over the phone she told me she had left partly because she hadn't had anything to read. She said, "I love you. I really truly love you. Next time I'll bring thirteen more books."
She sounded so mature and sincere. I was happy to hear what she had said.
Although I did not foresee marrying Michelle, she had become as tied to me as my two former wives. I had met my first wife, Louise, when we had both been attending law school in 1982. We were married for less than a year in 1984-1985. My second wife Carolina was an illegal immigrant when I met her in 1987. We were married for 17 years, until 2006. Now, Michelle, as young as she was, was almost like my third wife.
Dream of:16 May 2009 "Whores On Television"
I was with a woman (about 30 years old) who was an amalgam of Michelle, my second wife Carolina, and my first wife Louise. I simply thought of the woman as my wife, not as any one of the three women individually, even though she had characteristics of all three women merged into one.
She and I had been sitting for a hour in a class or seminar in a college. Before we had entered the class, I had seen her in the hall talking with a black man (over two meters tall) in the hall. A black boy was accompanying the man. I had become jealous, thinking my wife and the black man were involved with each other.
After the black man had walked off, my wife told me he had originally come there to pick her up after class. Now, however, he had left.
After the class ended I became angry when I once again saw my wife talking with the same black man. I was angry because the black man had waited for the class to end, even though he knew my wife was with me. After they had been talking together for a few minutes, I lost sight of them. I walked around looking for my wife until I finally spotted her at the bottom of some stairs (along with other students); she was walking up the stairs. I caught up with her and as I ascended the stairs with her, I said something to her about "being with that nigger."
Although I hadn't realized the black man was also standing nearby, I spotted him just as he turned around and looked at me. Realizing he had obviously he heard what I had said, I thought I was going to have problems with him.
As my wife and I walked up the stairs, the black man walked to the end of the hallway to a separate set of stairs and he likewise headed up. I knew we had been on the 5th floor and I feared I would again encounter the black fellow on the next floor. When we reached the next floor, however, I didn't see him.
My wife and I sat down and talked. I was still angry and I thought about simply walking off and leaving her there. When I finally turned and simply walked away, she jumped up, ran up to me and stood behind me. I turned around and looked at her. Crying, she said something about a divorce and she said she was going to take everything I had. I retorted that I would then get half of the house (I was referring to the Summerdale Drive House, where my second wife Carolina and I lived during our marriage). She became extremely upset because she thought the Summerdale House belonged to her.
After we walked outside, we began to reconcile somewhat and as we walked down the street, I decided I wanted to go into a store to see if I could find any girlie magazines which my wife and I could look at together and then have sex. I walked into the store and bought something with the title "Whores On Television."
When I walked back out of the store, my wife was sitting in a car with a man. I opened the car door and told her I had just the right thing for her: "Whores On Television", insinuating that she was a whore.
The man (a big husky black-haired fellow, about 35 years old) was sitting in the driver's seat and my wife was sitting on his lap. Her top was pulled down so one breast was wantonly exposed. As she sat on the man's lap and lasciviously rubbed against him, I told her that her present actions were exactly what I was talking about.
Instead of becoming angry, however, I thought I would simply try to get in the mood so the three of us could have sex together, and I asked the man if he wanted "sucked off" or something like that. When he indicated he did, my wife moved off his lap and into the middle of the seat; she then began unzipping the man's pants. By then, I was sitting in the front passenger seat. My wife, instead of leaning over onto the man, leaned back toward me and laid her head on me. I put my hand on one breast and the man put his hand on the other. He began squeezing her breast hard and fast.
I was aroused as I thought the three of us would have sex right there in the car.
Physically, Michelle was incredibly beautiful. Spiritually, however, less so.
Dream of: 07 June 2009 "Thin Veneer"
It was morning and I was in the Gallia County Farmhouse. I had just bought about 20 orange pills of 80 milligram Oxycontin which were in the pocket of a brown khaki shirt hanging on the back of a chair in the room. I had already taken one pill that morning, and I decided to take another. After reaching into the shirt pocket, pulling out a pill, and sticking it in my mouth, I immediately questioned whether I should be taking the pill orally -- perhaps I should be snorting it. I thought I could shave the pill the way I had seen Michelle do. I thought the pill had a time-release formula and therefore needed time to take effect if it were ingested orally. Snorting the pill might therefore be better. I wondered if I had a shaver in the Farmhouse and I reflected about how much trouble Michelle went through in order to snort her pills.
I could see Michelle (about 20 years old) sitting in the next room. She and my father were sitting at a table and talking. She looked very pretty, a little like my second wife Carolina when Carolina had been about 20 years old. As I thought about how pretty Michelle looked, I reflected that her outer beauty was just a thin veneer. Something quite different lay under the surface. I thought back on the time she had shown up at my 17th Street House in August 2007. She had been so beautiful, but I had quickly discovered something quite different below the surface.
I had already been with Michelle longer than I had originally planned, yet I still could not bring myself to abandon her.
Dream of:12 June 2009 "Adele"
Michelle and I were sitting in the front seat of a car which someone else was driving. I was thinking about changing my stance regarding Michelle's drug use. Instead of trying to convince her to stop taking pills, I thought I might instead buy about a thousand 80 milligrams pills of Oxycontin for her. I knew I could get the pills cheap if I bought a lot. I might let her take the pills for a while without constantly reproving her. I might even let her sell some pills so she could make extra money.
I was a little worried about the police, because I already had some pills which I was carrying in a baggie. I knew Michelle hadn't taken any pills for a while and when I showed her the baggie of pills, she looked at them longingly. Among other pills, the baggie contained half of a red 60 milligram Oxycontin pill. When Michelle asked me where the other half of the pill was, I pulled out a second baggie which contained the other half.
We finally pulled up to a big house out in the country and stepped out of the car. We were standing in a pleasant area outside a large house where it looked as if a social gathering were going to take place. Many people began showing up and Michelle said she saw "Bobbie Bub." At first I didn't know to who she was referring, but then I realized she was talking about her half-brother, Ray (whom she sometimes called "Bub"). I wasn't happy to know he was there.
I suddenly remembered I had left some marijuana in the car. The marijuana was wrapped in tin foil and looked like a big fat finger. I headed back to the car to retrieve it. Once I had fetched the marijuana, I returned to where I had left Michelle, but she had disappeared.
It had suddenly become quite dark and foggy, and as I stumbled along, I felt someone take hold of my right hand. I realized it was Michelle and we began walking along together. Gradually I realized two other fellows (probably in their early 20s) were with Michelle and I wondered who they were. It seemed strange that she would have already latched onto two fellows. I couldn't see well because it was so dark, but I could hear Michelle talking with the two fellows and it bothered me. Finally I just let her hand slip out of mine and I let her continue walking on. She didn't even seem to notice that I had let go of her hand. I simply sat down on the ground and let her walk on down the foggy forest path.
After she had disappeared into the fog, I realized I had probably made a mistake by allowing her to leave like that. I stood up and walked in the direction where she had disappeared, but I couldn't find her.
A woman (probably in her early 30s) suddenly appeared out of nowhere and asked me (more as if she demanded) if I would carry her and her baby (whose name was "Adele"). I immediately put my arms around the woman and lifted her into the air. She was thin and didn't weigh much, and the baby was so small, I couldn't even see it. As I walked along with the woman in my arms, I kept an eye out for Michelle because I didn't want Michelle to see me carrying the woman.
The path finally led to an idyllic little town. Apparently we had just been on the outskirts of the town. I set the woman down and we continued walking along together with our arms around each other, headed for a park which we could see up ahead of us. When I finally caught a good look at the woman's face, she was quite pretty. She had short blonde hair and a lovely face. I told her she was better looking than I had thought she would be. I immediately liked her.
As we were walking past a building, we turned and walked inside. The building housed a sports arena with a wooden floor like a basketball court and bleachers on one side. We walked up the stairs into the bleachers, reached the top of the stairs, then started walking up a second set of stairs. When we reached the top of the second set, we turned around and started walking back down another set of stairs. Once we started down, however, we realized the stairs were more like a sliding board with no steps and we slid all the way down to the top of the first stairs. We were going so fast (and since there was no railing in front of us), we flew out into the air over top the basketball court. Although it was a three or four meter drop, we lightly sailed down to the court and landed. I said, "Wow, that was easy."
I wondered if people were watching us and I kept wondering if Michelle was going to see me there with the woman. I was almost to the point where I didn't care much if Michelle saw me. The woman and I turned around and started walking back up the steps.
I was spending all my money on Michelle and she did have a boyfriend, who might try to kill me at any time. At the same time, our spiritual connection was running out of steam.
Dream of: 30 June 2009 "Leaving India"
Michelle and I were traveling around India. I was getting ready to leave India and return to the United States, but I was having financial problems: I didn't have any money. I had given my last little bit of money to Michelle, and now I was completely broke. I thought I was probably 10,000 miles from the United States, on the other side of the world, and I didn't know how I was going to return.
When Michelle's boyfriend Wayne abruptly showed up, Michelle immediately left with him, apparently to go to a hotel. After they left, I decided I wasn't going to tolerate Michelle's leaving with Wayne like that, and so I went to the place where they were staying: a room which contained a long row of beds. I was upset to see Michelle and Wayne in the room. Michelle was completely naked, although she and Wayne hadn't yet had sex.
Michelle told me that she wasn't going to have sex with Wayne, that she had only intended to leave with him for a while, then return to me. She and I headed toward the adjoining room, but when she veered off alone to the bathroom, I followed her into the bathroom, where I found her sitting on the commode. Upset and angry, I began talking to her. I asked her if she was going to have sex with Wayne right in front of me. She said no, she wasn't. I then abusively told her I was going to "fuck" her and that I was going to "fuck" her right there in front of Wayne. She acted as if that would be ok.
I left her sitting on the commode and walked back into the next room where Wayne was lying on a bed. I told him I was going to bring Michelle into the room and "fuck her" right in front of him. He acted as if he didn't want that to happen, but he didn't know what to do about it. He seemed unsure whether he should leave or stay. He said he hadn't anticipated things would turn out the way they had. I belligerently asked him if he had thought I was simply going to turn Michelle over to him after he had interrupted my trip with her. I asked if he thought that he could just butt right in, and that I would give Michelle to him and leave? I told him that was ridiculous. He blurted,"I think I should have ended my life, or one of them." When he added "or one of them", I thought he was saying he should have either killed himself, or killed me.
spending another four and a half months in an Indiana jail, Michelle was
released in June 2009 and the case was finished. She moved back in with her
boyfriend and business between her and me continued as usual.
Dream of:12 July 2009 "Upstairs, Downstairs"
Michelle had been released from jail and she had stayed with me for several days. We had sex over and over until I was finally tired of it. Since I had had enough sex for a while, Michelle went to stay with her boyfriend, Wayne, who was living downstairs in the same two-story house where I was living upstairs. After Michelle went downstairs, I stood at the top of the stairs and listened. The kitchen was at the bottom of the stairs and I could hear Wayne and Michelle talking below. Another man and woman, as well as a bunch of children were also with them. It sounded as if they were saying something about getting naked. When I noticed my shadow on the wall, I was afraid someone might look upstairs and realize I was listening. Since I couldn't hear well, I stepped back from the top of the stairs.
I was bothered that Michelle would be having sex with Wayne right downstairs from me. I thought it might be time for me to stop seeing Michelle, but I really didn't want to do that. Breaking up with Michelle was difficult for me, even though I knew she was downstairs having sex with Wayne.
Michelle was an expert in the art of cajolery, an art at which I was less than a novice.
Dream of:14 July 2009 "Cajolery"
I was in a gigantic hardware store containing myriad labyrinthine passages and aisles. My father (who also resembled my step-grandfather Clarence) owned the store. He and probably 10 other men were sitting in a small enclosed section near the middle of the store. I wanted to remind him that he had promised to give me a new computer which I desperately needed. When he looked straight ahead and refused to look at me, however, I had the painfully sinking feeling that he had changed his mind about giving me the computer.
I thought about Michelle and how she would artfully beg and cajole me into giving things to her. I normally didn't approach my father the way Michelle did me, but I needed the computer so badly, I was willing to employ Michelle's tactics.
My father and the other men stood up to leave and they all walked out. Since he didn't say whether he was going to get the computer for me, I had the forlorn feeling he wasn't. I stood silent, still hoping I might somehow receive the computer.
Michelle's physical health, a mirror of her spiritual health, slowly deteriorated.
Dream of: 20 July 2009 "Too Weak"
I was with Michelle, who was weak because she had been ill. I wanted to teach her some exercises. I wanted us to both lie down on our backs on the floor so her feet were near my head and my feet were near her head. I then intended to put my foot on her shoulder while she sat up. The idea was to put pressure on us both.
When we tried the exercise, however, Michelle complained that it was too hard and that she was unable to do it. She was simply too weak. I tried to figure out some way she could successfully perform the exercise.
Although Michelle gave me ample reason to terminate our arrangement, we continued seeing each other on a regular basis.
Dream of: 21 July 2009 "The Message"
Michelle was standing across the street from me in front of a hotel which somewhat resembled a building on Gallia Street in Portsmouth which used to house a pool hall (which I had sometimes frequented as a teenager). It was snowing outside and Michelle stood bundled up on the snow-covered ground. She was trying to fend off a thin fellow (probably in his late 20s) standing near her. When it began to look as if Michelle and the fellow might come to blows, I started walking toward them. When the fellow saw me approaching, he looked at me as if to ask if I were going to try to defend someone like Michelle. His look seemed to say that Michelle was beyond contempt. I shook my head as if to say that I did intend to defend her, and that whatever Michelle was, she was what I had.
The fellow began rambling about something wrong which Michelle had done. He intimated that Michelle had been trying to persuade him to be with her and he said he could prove it. I began thinking that Michelle might have made a phone call to the fellow and that she might have left a message which would clearly indicate that the fellow was telling the truth. I thought if he were telling the truth, I would not take up for Michelle. I blurted, "Prove it and I'll leave her."
I had definitely enjoyed the brave new fantasy world in which I had been living with Michelle. Her reverence of drugs, however, had gone beyond the pale of what I could comfortably tolerate.
Dream of: 21 July 2009 "Soma"
Up in the halcyon mountains, Michelle had set up a tent in which people would come to see her. Priestess of a cult, she was distributing pills which made the people (many of whom were old) feel good; but in the long run the pills were killing the people. I wished I could somehow thwart Michelle's distribution of the pills.
I climbed up to a second tent which was on a higher level of the mountain. After entering the tent, I found a brown paper bag filled with small black pills and fragments of pills. Realizing the pills belonged to Michelle, I thought I would simply purloin them. When I walked back out of the tent, I used a telescope to look down on Michelle in her tent below. I could see her handing out the pills.
Michelle's face was radiant and she looked beautiful. Suddenly it looked as if she saw me, and I knew she realized I was going to take her pills. I knew that she was going to come to the second tent and that we were going to have a confrontation. I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to convince her to stop distributing the baleful pills. I thought I might bring a law enforcement agent up there to see what was going on, but not to arrest anyone. I just wanted Michelle to see that the law was aware of what she was doing. But I was unsure bringing law officials up there would be a good idea.
The more I thought about the pills, the more they reminded me of the drug "soma" as it was described in Aldous Huxley's novel Brave New World. I reflected how "soma" would put people into a fantasy world.
I became more conflicted about having sex with Michelle. Old notions about becoming completely celibate resurfaced.
Dream of: 29 July 2009 "Conflict"
While my father and I were sitting across from each other at a table in a restaurant, I mused about how I had been contemplating becoming a monk. Such contemplation, however, was complicated by my desire to have a woman at the same time. The conflict had been eating away at me. I discussed the problem with my father, who had decided to take me to a monastery where I could stay for a while, a monastery where the monks dressed in brown robes.
As we talked, a monk draped in a brown robe walked up to the table on my right. He resembled the diminutive character Vizzini (played by Wallace Shawn in the movie The Princess Bride). He stood and listened as my father and I talked. When the monk finally seemed to want to say something to me, he asked me to scoot over, which I did, and he scooted in beside me. He began talking and I enjoyed listening to him. As he spoke, he moved around on top of the table so he was lying down on the table with his face right in front of mine. He finally reached the point he wanted to make. He said that he had talked to many people and that he had learned that one thing bothered men like me who had these kind of spiritual inclinations. He then reached down and grabbed my penis. I immediately knew he was saying that the pain was caused by masturbation. I admitted that masturbation caused me pain, that I wanted to stop and that I intended to stop.
I still had the conflict about becoming a monk and having a woman at the same time. I didn't know if that was possible, but that was my hope. I knew having a woman and being a monk contemporaneously would present difficulties. I became emotional and I blurted out, "I want a woman so much -- one in particular."
The woman in particular to whom I was referring was Michelle.
Jail hadn't changed Michelle. Nor did I change much. I still wanted to have sex with her.
Dream of: 09 August 2009 "Being Coy"
Michelle had been released from jail. When I first saw her after her release, she was with another man and woman (who seemed somewhat like Michelle's mother). The four of us boarded a car and rode out into the country. When we finally stopped, we all stepped out of the car and walked around. Michelle and I weren't walking together and I wasn't able to talk much with her. I was uncertain whether she was attached to the other fellow.
As the others walked ahead of me, I could hear Michelle talking about how she had already been with her family. When she described the different kinds of food she had bought for them, I thought to myself that she had bought the food with money which I had given her, even though I didn't seem to receive any appreciation.
I finally caught up with Michelle and was able to speak with her alone. When I asked her why she wasn't being good to me, she acted coy and didn't answer.
A shallow rocky stream was flowing near us. I thought to myself that Michelle and I could abscond by ourselves into the stream, lie down in the water, and make love. Michelle, however, was being so standoffish, I didn't know whether she was going to allow me to make love to her.
Although I never completely lost hope that Michelle would give up drugs, I gradually abandoned the hope that I would be able to help her do so. I could not even handle my own weaknesses, let alone hers.
Dream of: 13 August 2009 "Prescription"
I had acquired approximately 40 blue 80-milligram Oxycontin pills. I was at the large two-story house of my father and my mother, who had left and gone out of town, leaving me alone at the house.
Some people, including Michelle, came to visit me at the house. A friend of Michelle's named Skinny (probably in his late 20s) and Skinny's wife were in the group. I was a bit apprehensive about the people being in the house, but they didn't seem to be bothering anything, so I let them stay. While Michelle went into the kitchen to do something, I went into the first-floor bedroom which sported a large brown dresser with a mirror.
When I pulled one of the Oxycontin pills out of my pocket and held it in my hand, I noticed a small piece had chipped off. I held the pill to my nose and snorted a little powder from the chipped edge. I then pulled out a little clamp which I could use as a shaver, and I began shaving down the pill into powder on the dresser's top. At the same time, I hollered out, "Michelle! Michelle!"
From where I was, I could look through the bedroom door into the kitchen, but I couldn't see Michelle. I wanted her to come into the bedroom so I could show her what I had. I thought I would give her half of the pill. I calculated that for half a pill I should receive an hour's worth of sex. I figured she would stay all night with me and I knew if she did the pill now, we probably wouldn't have sex until the next morning.
Instead of Michelle, Skinny walked into the room. Happy to see me, he hugged me. He didn't realize what I had. When another woman walked into the room, I covered the pill because I didn't want them to see it. Finally, however, they saw that I had something. I couldn't remember what kind of pills I had but finally I told them I had "a prescription for oxycodone." I wasn't sure, however, whether I actually had a prescription. I had indeed obtained the pills from a doctor, albeit under rather shady circumstances. The doctor had simply handed me the pills, so I didn't know whether I actually had a prescription, but I wasn't too worried about the police coming in on me.
I thought about asking Skinny if he knew where I could obtain some Xanex. I thought Xanex would go well with the pills.
As I waited for Michelle, I noticed both Skinny and the woman looking greedily at my pill. I finally blurted out that I wasn't going to give any to Michelle right then, even though I knew I would give the pill to her when she came.
Despite wayward forays in the shadows, my sexual experience with Michelle was sublimely beautiful.
Dream of: 13 September 2009 "In The Shadows"
I was lying on a bed while Michelle lay naked asleep on top of me. Taking advantage of her lassitude, I began feeling her butt with my left hand, and with my middle finger I searched for her rectum until I found it. I eased my finger about a centimeter into her rectum, even though I knew she didn't like my doing that. I was careful not to awaken her. Since my left hand felt cramped, I thought I would manage better if I used my right hand instead. I eased my finger back out, then began groping with the middle finger of my right hand. Abruptly, however, I couldn't feel Michelle on top of me anymore. All I could feel were the covers over me. I raised up and looked around, but didn't see Michelle anywhere. Disappointed, I realized I had simply imagined the entire episode.
Looking around the room (which appeared to be a motel room) I spotted three cats and three small dogs (which all belonged to Michelle). She had left them with me, even though I didn't want to keep them. I planned to tell her (the next time I saw her) to get rid of the animals, which were such a nuisance. It was morning and now I would have to let all the animals out so they could relieve themselves. I didn't even know if I were allowed to harbor animals in the motel room.
I stood up and walked outside, which reminded me of the backyard of the 17th Street House. I was taken aback when my first wife, Louise, stepped up. She didn't look like herself. She was slender and taller than usual (probably in her mid 20s). She moved toward me.
Even though I knew Michelle was inside the House (no longer a motel), I kissed Louise, hoping that Michelle wouldn't see me, but anticipating that she might. At the same time, I began thinking I might be able to stick my finger in Louise's butt, and as I kissed Louise, I moved my hand around to Louise's derriere, even though I knew Louise didn't like that. Before I was able to maneuver my hands and fingers into position, however, we stopped kissing. I glanced up toward the window on the kitchen door, spotted someone inside, and knew the person was Michelle.
Michelle stepped onto the back porch with a knowing look on her face as if she had seen me. I had stepped back from Louise and was no longer holding her. When Michelle slipped back into the kitchen, I climbed back up onto the back porch and also stepped into the kitchen. Michelle was standing off to the side of the kitchen. Although she couldn't see me, I could see her. Obviously angry, she appeared as if she would leave me. I thought I would try to placate her -- if I could.
Yet another woman (probably in her mid 20s) with long black hair showed up. I knew her, although not well. I thought I might have had sex with her and I knew I could have sex with her right there on the spot. Her son (7-8 years old) accompanied her. When she stepped up to me, even as her son watched, I pulled up her skirt and started to stick my finger in her vagina. Finally I pulled out a little wooden stick, brown like a cigar, and pushed it into her vagina. When I then told the son he could shove the stick into her vagina with his finger, he followed directions and pushed in the stick. In the process, part of his finger also slipped into his mother's vagina. I tried to stay out of the shadowy area where Michelle was so she couldn't see me.
Although Michelle had her problems, her enthralling beauty still inspired my artistic inclinations.
Dream of: 14 September 2009 "Carrying My Flute"
Michelle carried my flute as she and I strolled through a park together. With Michelle was a small child which apparently belonged to Michelle and me. We split up -- she intended to meet me up ahead where many people were eating and sitting at perhaps 100 tables at an outdoor restaurant.
As soon as Michelle and the child walked off, I encountered Steve Buckner (a close friend from my late teenage years). He and a slender blonde (probably in her mid 40s) were walking with their arms around each other. They stopped and Buckner introduced the woman to me and commented that she was an attorney. I was unsure if the woman was Buckner's wife. When she smiled, I noticed an imperfection in her top middle tooth. She was somewhat attractive, but too old for my tastes. She hardly attracted me at all. I asked Buckner to walk to the tables of the restaurant with me. I wanted to introduce him to Michelle. Proud of Michelle's young and pretty radiance, I thought her beauty would amaze Buckner.
The three of us reached the tables and walked through them. A tree-bound hill rose on one side of the table-area. I walked back and forth through the tables, but I couldn't find Michelle anywhere. Finally I spotted her standing up in a section of tables which I had not yet searched. As she walked toward me and I toward her, she looked so beautiful. I prepared to introduce my belle to Buckner.
Although I had difficulty reconciling my artistic and my animal instincts, Michelle seemed unconcerned about such matters.
Dream of: 20 September 2009 "Holding A Clarinet"
I was unhappy because Michelle's friend Alan (a tall military type, in his late 20s, wearing a light-blue jumper suit) was in the 17th Street House. I didn't even know why he was there. When I walked into the room where he was and told him to leave, he proceeded to walk out the back kitchen door.
I walked back into the living room where Michelle was sitting on the couch. She informed me that she wanted to watch a television-showing of a high school graduation in which a male friend of hers was going to be graduating. I wasn't interested in watching it. I had been in the process of watching the fluctuating prices of stocks on a financial channel where I was also able to see my stock account, which appeared to be faring well for the day. It looked as if I had made $276, although I wasn't completely certain of the numbers. I also noticed something on the screen about a distribution of stock in the year 2004. Since I thought I was in the 1990s, 2004 was several years in the future. The show was scheduled to end in three minutes and Michelle wanted me to change the channel as soon as my show ended.
When I looked back at Michelle again, she was lying on her back on the couch. Lying on top of her -- the length of her chest and stomach -- was a musical instrument which I at first thought was a flute, but quickly realized was actually a clarinet. I didn't think the clarinet was functional, but I thought at least perhaps Michelle had been fingering the keys to learn something about finger position.
I looked back at the television. It was just about time for Michelle's show to start. When I looked back at Michelle, she was now lying on the couch with her face down, as if she were ready to go to sleep. When she sat back up, I told her I was going to tell Alan that he could come back into the House. She said ok.
I walked over to the front door and looked outside. Instead of Alan, seven or eight black men (all probably in their 20s) were standing near the metal wire fence which separated my House from the house next door. When I saw that the black men were causing a commotion, I recalled that earlier in the day I had heard loud sounds emanating from the back yard. I couldn't make out what the black men were doing but as soon as they saw me, they began dispersing. One had a dog which pulled away on a leash.
When I looked into the neighbor's yard, I saw Kirsten (Michelle's brown and black pit-bull) lying on her stomach. Suddenly realizing the black men had been training the dogs to fight each other, I hollered out to them, "Don't come back!"
Kirsten was now on a leash held by one black man (who seemed non-threatening) standing on the sidewalk in front of my neighbor's house. After the black man unfastened the leash, Kirsten frenetically bounced around the neighbor's yard until the black man finally walked off.
I walked over to the sidewalk in front of the neighbor's house and lay down on my back. Kirsten did not appear to recognize me and at first she didn't seem to want to come to me. When she finally walked up to me, I lay my hand down and she smelled it. She immediately jumped up into the air and landed on the other side of me. She finally sat right next to me as if she wanted to be with me.
Although Michelle had undoubtedly influenced my life, that influence appeared less than what I had imagined it would be.
Dream of:30 September 2009 "The Silver Thimble"
I had gone to visit Eddie Estepp (a former renter of one of my houses in Portsmouth, probably in his mid-30s, a man of egregiously unsavory character). Although Eddie was now Michelle's boyfriend, I knew Michelle wouldn't be with Eddie at present because Michelle was in jail (where she had resided for quite some time). Normally Eddie and I didn't get along, but I now needed him to do something for me. To assist my suit with Eddie, I had come to see him under the pretext of providing him information about a television which he wanted to obtain from someone. As we quasi-amiably conversed, I pondered my need for his assistance: I had recently seen a marijuana plant growing in a little garden in someone's back yard, and I wanted to steal the plant, but I was unwilling to steal the plant myself; therefore, I intended to try to convince Eddie to steal the plant for me.
The setting was a large room. I particularly noticed the size because the room was much larger than the small room Eddie formerly inhabited. Obviously he had risen in the world. Eddie sat on his bed while I stood and conversed with him at length; never, however, did we reach the subject of either the marijuana or the television. I finally sat down and as we simply talked, I noticed that even though we had become cordial, Eddie never mentioned Michelle. I likewise didn't bring up Michelle's name.
I finally stood, walked out, and as I descended the stairs, I realized the building was actually a large hotel. When I reached the bottom floor, I discerned an elegant dining room (as if from a former opulent era) off to the side. Several people, ostensibly preparing to serve a meal, were walking around the dining room.
I continued my trek, walked outside the building, and found myself on the street of a fashionable district of a city, where automobile-traffic had been blocked off and pedestrians crowded the pleasant shop-lined street. I became intrigued by the vast variety of people in the street, and as I scrutinized their faces, one man bumped into me. After we had both continued on a few steps, I stopped, turned and looked at the man. At the same time, I noticed something odd: hanging from my left side was a lemon-colored tennis ball (but somewhat smaller than a regular tennis ball). Apparently the ball had originated with the man who had bumped into me. The cloth-like surface of the ball seemed to have attached to something on me which resembled Velcro. When I pulled the ball off me and threw it to the man, he immediately responded, "Why'd you do that?" Apparently I had unintentionally offended him.
As soon as I turned and again continued my trek, another fellow walked up to me and said something was hanging from my clothes. I concluded something else had attached itself to me when the first fellow had bumped into me. Looking, I discovered a silver thimble hanging on a string from me. The fellow who had pointed out the thimble to me acted as if he wanted me to give the thimble to him. But I didn't want to give him the thimble. Instead, I began trying out the thimble on one finger after another, thinking perhaps a thimble signified something when worn by a man, even though I couldn't figure out what that "something" might be.
When I again continued my trek and the fellow began walking along with me, I began trying to figure out where I was going. In the distance I could see the skyscrapers of a city which looked like Dallas. Unaccustomed to this place, I tried to figure out which direction I should take.
As I continued to walk, I entered into a less friendly area of town where few people were on the street. Since I didn't know the fellow walking with me, I didn't want to continue walking with him in an unpopulated area.
I had rearranged my life when Michelle had entered it and I would rearrange it again when she left.
Dream of: 17 October 2009 "Rearranged Furniture"
As I was standing on the front porch of the 17th Street House, I looked across the street and saw a car pull up in the alley with Michelle (who looked like my black-haired second ex-wife Carolina) sitting in the passenger seat and her father sitting in the driver's seat. Michelle and her father both stepped out of the car and walked into my House. I had recently rearranged the furniture in the front room and had moved a large pink lazy-boy chair to a different position in the room. When Michelle's father saw the new location of the chair, he complained about the rearrangement.
My deplorable disparagement of Michelle only highlighted my own inadequacies. I was wrong, as often happened, to think of myself as better than Michelle.
Dream of:27 October 2009 "Stark Contrast"
I had started attending a school in England. Wearing a light-gray pin-stripped suit, I was standing in a dormitory-style room with 30-40 other students (all probably in their late teens and early 20s). All beds in the room appeared to be double-beds, and 5-6 people were sitting on each bed. Everyone appeared to be studying. I didn't even see a space where I could sit until I finally found a table and an empty chair, and I sat down. Other people were also sitting at the table, studying and writing, but I didn't know what to study. I thought I would write something, even though I didn't know what to write.
I asked one friendly-appearing fellow if we had any assignments. He said we only had one assignment in math for the next day. He mentioned that his math book was by the bath tub and that I could fetch it if I wanted. I saw the bathtub and walked toward it. When I found a thick math book (perhaps four centimeters thick) which covered the subjects of algebra and calculus, I carried it back to the fellow. I was relieved that the subject matter was algebra and calculus because I had feared the subject might have been a more difficult area of math. I thought I would at least be able to handle algebra and calculus. I sat back down and began looking through the book.
When I noticed a woman standing at a podium in the corner of the room, I walked over to her and asked some questions about the school. I first asked her if the students had to be in the dormitory at a certain time at night. I thought perhaps the school had a curfew. The woman looked puzzled that I should even ask such a question. She said that there was no curfew, but that she would call a student if he were out too late. Apparently all the students had cell phones.
As I talked with the woman, I noticed a man standing behind her. He was a midget, only about a meter tall, dressed in a dark-yellow suit. Something the woman said made me smile, and when I looked at the midget, I thought he might have thought I had been smiling derisively at him and I quickly wiped the smile from my face.
I left the woman and walked through another room where perhaps 50-60 young students were watching television. Returning to my original room, I began thinking the school might have a dress code. A couple fellows were wearing blue jeans, but most everyone was dressed in suits. I knew I had packed several pairs of blue jeans to bring with me. I had also brought some suits, but I reflected that I would be able to wear the blue jeans if I wanted.
I thought about Michelle. I figured I would write to her and describe the school to her. Most students seemed quite proper, in stark contrast to the wild crowd with which Michelle associated. Michelle would have difficulty fitting in with this genteel class of people.
I also thought about my old friend Steve Weinstein and I recalled that he had once attended school in England. Then I thought about how old I was and I realized I was already in my 40s. Relating to these young kids would be difficult. What would they think of such an old man being in their midst? Abruptly I realized I wasn't even in my 40s -- I had already slipped into my 50s, my late 50s. Now I was planning to spend six months in this school. Attending school at such an old age definitely seemed odd. Nevertheless, there I was.
Although I was often disdainful of formal education, Michelle's lack of interest in obtaining an education was particularly disturbing.
Dream of:30 October 2009 "Not Doing Well In School"
Michelle and I were in a large, old, ornate house in which I was living. The house was well furnished and my blue velvet couch (with the large eagle carved over the back) was sitting in the living room. Having heard that the police were going to raid the house, Michelle and I waited for a couple hours until about 20 plain-clothes police officers streamed into the house and began sniffing around. Frantically thinking about whom I could contact, I decided I might call Smith, a Portsmouth attorney whom I knew. I looked for a telephone book, thinking I would simply tell Smith the police were in my house. I was uncertain, however, that I should call Smith -- for all I knew, Smith might be on the side of the police. Nevertheless, I thought I should probably call him so that I would at least have a record that I had called someone.
The police scattered throughout the house. I didn't think anything illegal was in the house, unless there was something I didn't know about. Abruptly, however, I seemed to recall having hidden five or six marijuana seeds in the closet in the bathroom. The seeds had been left over from some marijuana which I had possessed. As I fretted about the seeds, I also began to worry that I might have hidden and forgotten a pill somewhere.
I needed to urinate. When I headed for the bathroom, one of the officers walked into the bathroom with me, refusing to let me go by myself. So with him in the room, I peed and peed. It seemed as if I might have drunk some beer earlier, which was giving rise to my need to urinate. The room was dark at first until I finally remembered a light switch was near the commode, and I turned it on. I still couldn't do anything about the marijuana seeds because the police officer was with me.
Determined to forestall the search, I walked back out of the bathroom and demanded to see a search warrant. No one could produce a warrant and the callous officers acted as if they didn't even need one. When several other men and women (all probably in their early 30s) showed up (all wearing black leather coats), I quickly concluded that they were all prosecuting attorneys, except for one woman who was missing several teeth. I asked another woman (obviously the person in charge) where the search warrant was. She was the only one who realized the police did indeed need a search warrant. She talked to the others and said there was no place where they could obtain a search warrant at the moment (it was rather late in the day). When I spoke more with the woman, trying to understand why they were searching the house, she told me Michelle wasn't doing well in school and she acted as if the police had come to help Michelle. I had figured the police were there because of Michelle, although their actual reason for being there was far from clear.
Michelle (very pretty) had sat quietly over to the side in a small room adjacent to the living room. After an attractive woman walked into the room and sat down on a couch facing Michelle, I walked into the room and sat down next to the woman. At first the woman began flirting with me, but then I realized she was trying to put her hands in my pockets. I became angry when I realized she had simply been trying to trick me so she could search me, clearly trying to entrap me. I stood up, told Michelle to stay where she was, and then walked into the living room.
By then, perhaps 30-40 people were in the house. Slowly they began heading toward the door and leaving. Although they had completely stopped searching, they were taking their time about actually departing. I screamed out, "You violated my civil rights!" I was serious. I knew they had illegally entered my house without a warrant. The violation was clear-cut.
Even though I felt that Michelle was ultimately responsible for her own destiny, I was still beleaguered by a nagging feeling of guilt that I was contributing to her downfall.
Dream of:02 November 2009 "The Whipping"
I was standing on the sidewalk outside a building on Scioto Trail in Portsmouth, waiting for Michelle to come out. As I contemplated a trip I was planning to take to Russia, an attractive woman (probably in her early 20s) stepped up and began flirting with me. Enticed (and since I had my doubts about whether Michelle was even going to come back out of the building), I hooked up with the woman. As the woman and I walked away from the building, I told her I would get my car, and when we walked around the corner, I saw my old 1986 red BMW sitting there. We both boarded the car, but we didn't leave. As I sat with her, I was definitely concerned about catching a sexually transmitted disease from her. I knew I would have to take that possibility into consideration if I were going to be involved with her.
The woman turned out to be an old friend of Michelle's. Since I was uneducated about so much of Michelle's inscrutable history, I wanted the woman to tell me everything she knew about Michelle's past. I asked her if Michelle had ever "sold herself", meaning if Michelle had ever prostituted herself. The woman indicated that Michelle hadn't prostituted herself, but that Michelle was in the habit of finding an older man who would take care of her, something which Michelle had apparently done numerous times. Michelle operated by finding an older man, being with him for a while, and then moving on. This behavior didn't sound nearly as bad to me as being a prostitute. I asked the woman more questions, but she didn't reveal anything outrageous about Michelle, and she didn't seem to think Michelle had done anything glaringly bad.
I also began having the feeling that something else was amiss. I looked back down the street, saw several people walking toward us, and thought (but wasn't sure) I saw Michelle among them. Suddenly I regretted being with the woman. I didn't want to hurt Michelle and I wanted to be back with her. Michelle seemed so beautiful and I wished I weren't with the other woman.
The woman and I stepped out of the car and I again looked at the group of people, but I didn't see Michelle. Suddenly, however, I did see her walking toward me. She was thin (about 20 years old) and very pretty. I realized that Michelle had seen the woman and that Michelle wasn't going to have anything else to do with me. I wanted to speak with Michelle for a moment, but obviously she didn't want to speak with me.
I abruptly wondered if the woman had set me up, if Michelle had arranged for the woman to entice me, just to see if I would fall for the woman's charms. Obviously I had fallen, but at the same time, I still hadn't consummated anything with the woman. I wanted to explain to Michelle that I had stopped before actually doing anything.
Several other women (all Michelle's age) showed up. Apparently Michelle knew them all and used to hang around with them. Three of them and Michelle all stood next to each other with their faces close together, apparently so someone could take their picture. I figured the women constituted another group of Michelle's friends about which I knew nothing.
A black-haired, heavy-set fellow (around 30 years old) walked up next to Michelle and put his arms around her, as if he were protecting her. When I moved toward Michelle, hoping to placate her, he stepped in between us. A fight almost broke out between the fellow and me. Undaunted, I wasn't backing down from him - I would fight him if I had to. He finally stepped back, allowing me to step up to Michelle. She almost seemed frozen in her tracks. She fell over onto the ground and I picked her up.
The east side of Scioto Trail is a steep bank and at the top of the bank was a house. I carried Michelle up the stairs in front of the house, walked inside and laid her down on something. About 20 people all together also walked up the stairs and walked inside. The house appeared to be abandoned and I wasn't exactly sure what we were all doing together or what we were going to do. When the front door suddenly burst open and plain-clothes police officers rushed in, I knew we were definitely going to have trouble. Although the police rounded up everyone, they seemed to focus on me. In the confusion, I dropped a brown paper sack which I had been holding and tiny little chocolate candy bars fell onto the floor. Hungry, I looked longingly at the chocolate.
One police officer wearing a white shirt stepped up to me and told me I was under arrest. I wasn't sure, but I didn't think they were going to arrest anyone else except me. I asked him why I was being arrested and he said I was being arrested for burglary. Then he said I was being arrested for "initiation." By that, I thought he meant I was simply being arrested for trespassing. I suddenly realized that I indeed was in someone's house and that I didn't know whose house it was. Clearly the house was abandoned: junk and old furniture cluttered the room where I was. I was already trying to formulate my defense. I thought I might say one of the other fellows in my group had told me that he lived in the house. Or I could say that he knew a friend who lived in the house. I was confident I could beat the charge.
When the police officer told me I could make one phone call when I arrived at the police station, I wondered whom I could call. I thought I could call my father, but I didn't want to call him. I finally told the officer I didn't want to make a phone call. When the officer marched everyone out of the house, with me in the lead, I noted I hadn't been put in handcuffs. Seeing a lot of traffic on the street, I wondered if anyone saw me being escorted by the police out of the house. We walked to the side of the house and descended a different set of stairs from the ones I had earlier ascended. These steps were very steep and were made of metal. About half way down, a section of the stairs was missing and I had to jump down over the missing section. I thought the cops might think I would try to run when I jumped down, but I didn't.
At the bottom, the cop began leading me toward a vacant lot at the rear of the house. On the way, he told me that he had read my file and that I had the most extensive arrest warrants of anyone he had ever seen. I thought that was ridiculous. I had only been arrested about six times in my life, and all the offenses had been minor. He acted as if I were the most notorious criminal with whom he had ever come in contact. I reflected that I had been in jail in Iran once, and I figured he had probably read about that.
He started haranguing me about "the fetus" which I had helped get rid of in a country in southern Africa. I thought he said the country was "Kenya." Unsure what he was talking about, I asked, "What would I do with a fetus in Kenya?"
I thought he might be referring to the abortion my girlfriend Birdie had undergone when she and I had been teenagers, but I didn't recall Africa's having been involved in any way in the abortion. His statement was very disturbing. He seemed to have a vendetta against me and was out to get me for some reason. I thought at least I was a lawyer and I knew quite a bit about criminal law. I would know how to defend myself, which was what I intended to do. I said, "I don't know what he's talking about."
He led me around to the vacant lot where perhaps 10 other policemen were waiting. One cop was holding a long pole with a whip on the end. Sitting on the ground in front of the cop was a big wooden box. I immediately knew the police intended to have me kneel over on top of the box and then whip me. I thought it incredible that they would even try something like that.
I then realized there was a second wooden box. Two of the fellows who had been in the house with me were already abjectly kneeling over the box, one on each end. One of them at first looked like Wheat (my old attorney-friend from Dallas), but when I looked at him again, he didn't look like Wheat. The truculent cops pulled up a third shirtless fellow and made him kneel down on one end of the first box, the box on which I was also going to have to kneel down. At least I was wearing my brown checkered long-sleeved shirt, as well as a tee shirt. I figured the shirts would protect me somewhat from the whip. I wondered how the cops thought they were going to get away with whipping someone like that.
I thought I heard one cop protesting in the background that this wasn't a good idea. As I was getting ready to kneel down, one cop said to me, "Ok, now you've got a personal choice."
He then said something about the Scioto County jail's being overcrowded. He said I was either going to go to the jail, or I was going to undergo the whipping. I thought to myself that this was their way of getting around the law, by saying they had given people a choice of either going to jail or enduring the whipping. I immediately concluded that if I actually had a choice, I would choose to go to jail. I wasn't going to let them whip me.
Right in front of us was a tall building, with steps leading up to the second floor. I looked up and saw some well-dressed older women coming out a door on the second floor, as if they were exiting a meeting. The women and the building looked old, like something out of the early 1900s. I beseechingly hollered up to the women, "You women, do you care what they're doing here in Portsmouth, Ohio?! Are you going to allow this in Portsmouth?!"
I was still unsure whether the whipping was going to take place.
Anger proved an ineffective counterbalance to Michelle's untrustworthiness.
Dream of:03 November 2009 "Up All Night"
Michelle (who only looked about 17-18 years old) was staying every night in a small house on the corner of Harmon and Eighth Streets in Portsmouth. Since I regularly visited her there, I went to see her there one morning around 8 a.m. and was surprised to find her awake so early. Wearing a red shirt and looking very pretty, she was outside in the yard playing with a couple other fellows, almost like little children. I was suspicious that she had been out all night and that she had just then returned home. Almost as if in a vision, for a moment I thought I saw her performing fellatio on one of the fellows (who was black). Then the vision passed.
Since I knew Michelle was living in the house with a thin older woman, I walked into the house to talk to the woman. When I found the woman, I asked her what time Michelle had returned home. I could tell by the way the woman was avoiding the question that Michelle had been out all night. I had been suspicious that Michelle had regularly been staying out all night somewhere, and concluding that she had indeed been out all night the previous night, I walked back outside and boarded my car with the intention of driving off. I wanted Michelle to see me before I left because I wanted to call her a name, such as "slut", or give her the finger. I was extremely angry.
The car I was in at first seemed like a little child's play car, and then it seemed as if I were simply riding a bicycle. Michelle saw me and ran after me as if she were trying to follow me. I looked at her and bellicosely snorted, "What in the hell do you want?"
She quietly replied, "It doesn't matter anyway."
I snapped back, "Well then stay the fuck away from fuck."
I knew Michelle didn't want to lose me because I had money and I supported her. It seemed to me, however, that she simply wanted to go out and do drugs all night with other people, then hook up with me in the mornings.
Surprisingly, even though I reduced my expenditures on her, Michelle stayed with me.
Dream of:18 November 2009 "Lack Of Money"
Michelle and I were in the Gallia County Farmhouse. I had heard that someone at the neighbor's house (about two kilometers away) had some Oxycontin pills. One of Michelle's so-called brothers, Dean, showed up at the Farmhouse. He was supposed to go to the neighbors and buy some of the pills (which cost $100 apiece, a supposedly cheap price) for us. I hadn't planned on buying any pills, but I told Dean I wanted five pills. When I pulled out my billfold, however, I realized I didn't have $500 on me and I said, "Oh fuck me."
I had a $50 bill and some $20 bills, so I knew I had enough money to buy one pill, anyway. Michelle looked surprised that I didn't have more money.
Michelle continued to neglect her health.
Dream of:05 December 2009 "Puking Blood"
Michelle, sitting on a couch, leaned over and began puking pure dark-red blood. I thought I should immediately take her to the hospital. I knew she had recently been in the hospital; now she was sick again. I looked at her and sputtered, "Oh my God."
Paying Michelle for sex was the sine qua non of our relationship.
Dream of: 06 December2009 "Used To Paying"
Several other people and I were in a writing class being conducted by my old law school professor, Newton, who told everyone in the class to write a story. We were supposed to start immediately, and we would have an hour to complete the story. The others began writing, but I sat thinking for about 10 minutes, then began writing on a yellow legal-size note pad. The more I wrote, the move absorbed I became in what I was writing. I wrote and wrote until someone finally asked how much time we had left, to which Newton responded, "One minute." I began writing furiously and realized I seemed to write better when I wrote spontaneously without thinking. I continued writing for what seemed like more than a minute, concluding Newton must have simply said a minute when we really had more time. I wished I had been writing fast and spontaneously the entire time, not just at the end, and I wished I would have another chance to write a story because it seemed as if at least I had learned something about writing. I knew I would do better the next time.
As we were finishing up, an extremely attractive tall woman walked up to the fellow sitting next to me on my left and stood in front of him. She was wearing transparent stockings and she was somehow able to spread her legs so her pubic hairs were visible through the stockings. When the fellow said people called the woman "turtle", I realized that she was a prostitute and that she was showing her wares. When she kept walking and passed by the fellow on my right, I told him I wondered how much she charged. As she was walking away, he called out to her to find out her rates. She returned, stood in front of me, and said her price depended on what was involved. Since she apparently didn't want to give me a fixed price in front of everyone, I asked her to "give me a range."
She still hesitated. I wanted to talk with her and tell her I was used to paying. I thought about Michelle, and how I always paid Michelle - but I wasn't with Michelle anymore. I at least wanted to find out how much the woman charged. If the price were low enough, I might be interested. I handed her a piece of paper and told her she could write the price on it. I asked her if I could call her and if she could write down her number. She answered, "Sure", and started writing down her phone number.
I was worried (since the woman was a professional prostitute) that I might catch a disease from her. I wanted to tell her that I didn't want to simply jump into bed with her, that I wanted to talk with her and be with her for a little bit. I wanted to get to know her first, the way I had done with Michelle.
Suddenly I realized I had become distracted from my writing. With the time running out, I said to the woman, "Sorry I can't talk. "
I had already filled up four pages, and I had also written some on a white napkin. Suddenly a wind blew my papers from me and I ran around trying to assemble the papers. It looked as if I had lost one page.
I had been mulling over the question of prostitution for years without resolving whether it was good or bad. I could not seem to decide. Like drugs, I didn't think prostitution should be illegal. However, my involvement with prostitution presented an entirely different moral issue. The morality of my paying Michelle for sex gave rise to a certain amount of anxiety.
Dream of:02 January 2010 "Anxiety"
Early in the morning, I was riding in a car which my father was driving (he and I hadn't been getting along well). He stopped the car so we could go into a restaurant. We both got out of the car, walked into the restaurant, sat down on a long couch, and ordered something to eat. Two women were in the restaurant and one black-haired woman (probably in her early 20s) sat down on the couch beside me on my left - so close she was touching me. I immediately had the feeling she was a prostitute. She moved closer and closer until she finally kissed me. We hugged and kissed until she asked if I had $10. In reply, I asked her what I was going to get. She demurred and we continued with out hugging and kissing until she finally told me I could eat her out for $10.
I enjoyed her company but I told her I wasn't going to eat her out (I certainly didn't want to eat out a prostitute), and besides, Michelle was in the back of my mind. I told the woman I wanted her to perform oral sex on me, instead of my doing so on her. At first she acted as if she didn't want to, but then she agreed.
I prepared to pull out my penis. Wearing a pair of white under shorts, I tried to decide whether I should pull out my penis through the hole in the front of the shorts or over the top of the shorts. When I finally did pull out my penis, the woman immediately plopped it into her mouth and began performing fellatio on me. Michelle again came to mind as I wondered if I could contract a sexually transmitted disease simply by having my penis in the woman's mouth. I worried I could then transmit the disease to Michelle. I didn't think I could catch a disease and I figured I would simply wash off my penis immediately after the woman was finished. Nevertheless, I worried there was still a possibility I could catch a disease.
My anxiety increased. I had never had sex with another woman since I had been with Michelle, and I knew I would have to lie to Michelle. I didn't like lying to Michelle, but more importantly, I worried about giving Michelle some kind of disease.
I hoped, whatever course Michelle took in life, a line of communication would always remain open between us.
Dream of:12 January 2010 "Broken Phone"
While Michelle and I were at an outdoors social event where some other members of my family (including my sister) were present, a tall blond handsome fellow named Scott (with whom, although he was only about 25 years old, I had apparently once attended school ) stepped up close to us. Michelle immediately stepped over to him, placed her hand on his chest as if she knew him, and began talking with him. I overheard her say that she spent all her time watching television with Steve. When he glanced at me, I immediately concluded that something was going on between him and Michelle.
Michelle stepped to the side and Scott shook hands with a couple other people. When I held out my hand for him to shake, he seemed reluctant.
After my attention flagged for I moment, I realized both Scott and Michelle had disappeared and I concluded they had absconded together. When I looked over at the nearby trees to see if I could see Michelle anywhere, my sister stepped up to me and said she knew why I was upset.
I reached into my pocket for my cell phone, only to discover that the front part of the cell phone had come off. I pulled out the cell phone (which was broken into several pieces), walked into a nearby church and laid the pieces of the cell phone on a window seal. As I tried to reassemble the phone, three fellows walked into the church and started fighting amongst themselves. When they finally saw me, one acted as if he wanted to fight with me and he attacked me. I struggled with him, managed to escape, and fled the church.
I was concerned about my broken phone because I thought Michelle might be trying to call me and would be unable to reach me. I thought I might be able to find another cell phone and put my sim chip from my phone into the other phone. Then I could try to call Michelle. It was difficult to say where she might be.
As much as I enjoyed history, the enjoyment of history paled next to the enjoyment of seeing Michelle's naked body.
Dream of:26 January 2010 "The Byzantine Empire"
I was in a room on the second floor of a house (which somewhat resembled the Gallia County Farmhouse) with 20-30 girls (all around 16-17 years old) who were in some kind of class. As I walked around the room (I sometimes didn't appear to be completely dressed), I was listening to a recording about the history of the Byzantine Empire. I thought the girls would be upset because I was listening to the recording, but they all seemed transfixed, staring into space without saying anything.
Finally, after walking into a hallway and lying down on the floor next to a banister beside the stairs which led to the first floor, I looked down and saw that I was only wearing a long tee shirt which left my penis uncovered. I pulled the shirt down over my penis, wondering if I had been doing anything illegal and realizing that simply walking naked in front of the girls was a crime. I could get into trouble simply for doing that.
As I lay there, Michelle walked up and lay down on top of me on her back, so that her head was on my chest and her back was on my penis. She had taken off her top so she was naked from the waist up, and I thought she was also going to take off her bottom. When I realized a husky fellow (around 20 years old) was lying down around my feet, I thought he was going to have sex with Michelle right there on top of me, but when I looked again at the fellow, I realized that another woman was lying with him and that he was getting ready to have sex with her. I watched as he climbed onto the second woman and started having sex with her right in front of me. The whole scene seemed a bit bizarre.
I was on a military ship. The same girls who had been in the class in the house were now in the water, lined up in a row. They were all naked (at least from the waist up) and I could see their well-formed breasts. As my ship passed them (it now seemed more as if I were on water skis than on a ship), I thought I could reach out and touch each of their breasts - but I didn't. The second time I approached them (still on skis) I rose into the air and jumped over the line and landed on the other side.
Looking back at them (I was once again on the ship), I saw Richard Nixon (dressed in a black suit) trying to ski near the girls. After he managed to lose one of his skis, the ship passed close to him several times. Then he also lost a black hat which he was wearing. I watched as he managed to retrieve his ski and hat. I thought it strange that he couldn't seem to take off the wet black suit which he was wearing.
My continued dependence upon Michelle for my happiness led to disheartening results.
Dream of:01 February 2010 "Ignored"
Michelle and I were both in jail, in separate areas. I didn't think I would be locked up for long. I was brought out with other inmates to a section which appeared to be a visiting area. Everyone in the room was a prisoner, except a couple people who were dressed in civilian clothes. Michelle was also brought out, and although I wanted to talk with her, she completely ignored me. We were both wearing jail jumper suits. She sat down in front of me at a table with her back to me. She was facing a window and she picked up a phone to talk with someone on the other side of the window. I couldn't see the person, but I figured he was an older man with whom she was trying to arrange some kind of drug deal. Obviously she didn't have time for me. She talked some, but mostly listened to what the other person was saying. She finally stood up, walked around the room, then sat back down in the same spot.
I also stood up and walked around. I wanted to find some food, but no one would pay any attention to me, so I finally sat back down. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was especially disappointed that I couldn't attract Michelle's attention and talk with her.
My distrust of Michelle did not stop my continuing to play games with her.
Dream of:17 February 2010 "Playing Poker"
I was playing poker with Michelle and another fellow. Michelle folded her hand, and I showed her my cards. When the other fellow said Michelle sometimes told other people what my cards were, I suddenly realized I was also playing cards with another person with a remote hook-up. Obviously the other fellow at the table was implying that Michelle could contact the remote card-player and tell him what cards I had. I wasn't really bothered because I had already suspected Michelle might be divulging the information. Michelle became angry at the other fellow and said she'd never be able to see my cards again after she folded. She wasn't really very angry - she was just acting as if she were.
As awkward as our age difference was, I could hardly help reveling in the sheer pleasure of Michelle's luscious youth.
Dream of:19 February 2010 "Awkward Situation"
As Michelle and I were walking together along Gallia Street in Portsmouth (headed east toward Gay Street), I was talking with her. She had asked me to go someplace with her and I had agreed to go. I told her, however, that I also wanted her to go somewhere with me. I was thinking that my high school reunion was going to be held the following Friday at the old Portsmouth High School building, and I wanted Michelle to accompany me. At first I had hesitated to ask her because she was so young and having her with me at the reunion might prove awkward, but finally I decided I would take her. After all, she was my present companion, even though I knew people would be shocked when they saw me at the reunion with her. I could just see myself being with Michelle and running into one of my old teachers at the reunion.
As possible scenes of the reunion ran through my mind, I saw myself at the reunion wearing a red cloth wrapped around my head like a cap. I thought other people Michelle's age would be at the reunion, because people always brought their children and grandchildren. So at least she would be able to communicate with some people there besides the old people from my class.
Michelle's ebullient personality infused excitement into even the dullest jobs. Day to day life would have certainly been much more boring without her.
Dream of: 25 February 2010 "Paint Job"
Michelle, a second woman, and I were working in my 17th Street House. After paying Michelle $60 (for which she was supposed to work for six hours), I instructed her to paint the door of the upstairs bathroom and when I supplied her with a bucket of dark blue paint, she began painting. After about a half hour of painting, however, she had made little headway, and I told her I could have finished the door in the same time. To prove what I had said, I picked up a big brush, dipped it in the paint bucket, and ran it across the top of the door. To my surprise, however, whitish water, mixed with the blue paint, streamed out of the brush and down the door. I immediately realized the brush must have been left in water and the water was running out of the brush. I quickly tried to catch the running water/paint with my brush and told Michelle to find me a piece of paper to put on the floor to prevent the water/paint from dripping on the floor. She took off down the stairs to look for something.
As I continued struggling to control the drips, I took a closer look at the blue paint and realized I didn't like it. The blue paint didn't go with the rest of the house at all. A beige color would have been much better. Now that I had started painting the door, I would have to repaint it another color. The more I looked at the door, the more I thought perhaps I should simply replace it with a newer door. Some of the other doors in the upstairs hallway had already been replaced with new doors, and the present bathroom door was even broken along one edge. It would definitely be better to replace it.
I could hear Michelle downstairs. It sounded as if she had some kind of portable music device because I could hear her music as she moved from room to room. I also thought I heard her talking with someone on the phone. I waited and waited and finally the music seemed to abate and fade out completely. I could hardly believe it. I began to wonder if Michelle had simply left the House. Finally I put down the paintbrush and walked down the stairs, only to find that Michelle was nowhere to be seen.
I was angry. I had already paid her and she had left. This wasn't the first time this had happened and it seemed to be happening more often. I only saw one solution: in the future I would have to wait until she had completed the work before I actually paid her.
I decided I was going to have to go find her and bring her back. When I walked outside to board my car, a thin black fellow (probably in his late 20s) stepped up and jumped into the driver's seat, while I climbed into the front passenger seat. Although the fellow had sometimes acted as my chauffeur in the past, I really didn't need him at the moment, and I would have preferred to have driven myself. Since he was already pulling out, however, I didn't say anything and we headed down the road.
I was immediately unhappy with his driving - he was going too fast. When our white car pulled up behind a slow-moving red car, he swerved around the car on the right and tried to pass. The red car then speeded up just as we were about to pull in front of it. Our front left fender scrapped against the right rear fender of the red car. I immediately began berating my driver for having tried to pass on the right side of the other car. The red car pulled over and we pulled over behind it. When we got out of the cars, however, the other car was white and our car was red. I could see a red mark from our car on the left rear fender of the other car (instead of on the right rear fender). I quickly looked at the right front fender (instead of the left front fender) of my car and saw no damage.
The other fellow stepped out of the other car. He was obviously Hispanic and he seemed nervous. Sensing that he didn't want any problems, I told him I didn't see any damage and suggested we continue on. He was in agreement. We all turned to get back in our cars and get out of there before the police came.
When I was nine years old, in the summer of 1962, my brother Adolph, who was almost eight, drowned in muddy Symmes Creek in front of the Gallia County Farmhouse, while he and I were swimming. In some twisted way, that event influenced the rest of my life, including my eventual relationship with Michelle.
Dream of:26 March 2010 "Lost Lens"
I was on the Gallia County Farm, walking on the road toward the Farmhouse. I had my computer, which had wheels on it, so I was able to push it along in front of me like a lawnmower. Pushing the computer was problematic, however, because I had to keep my eyes on it and I couldn't look at my surroundings. When I reached the bridge crossing Symmes Creek in front of the Farmhouse, I saw the creek was flooded and the water was almost up to the bridge. I stopped on the bridge, sat down and looked at the muddy water. A passing car had to swerve to miss me. When I saw a couple small turtles near the surface of the water, I thought I might be able to see more animals since the water was so high.
When I stood back up, I had my eyeglasses in my hand, and when I scrapped my glasses on the top of the railing, one lens popped out and fell into the water. Realizing the lens was lost, I headed toward the Farmhouse. On the way, I began having a fantasy about how impossible it would be to find the lens. I thought about how expensive it would be to have people come in and dredge the creek to try to find the lens. I recalled how my brother Adolph had drowned in that very area of Symmes Creek so many years ago. With difficulty the creek had been dragged for his body. How much more difficult would be the dragging of the creek for a little eyeglass lens.
I reached the Farmhouse, walked inside, and climbed the stairs to the second floor. In the middle upstairs room I found a bed with a black-haired Hispanic girl lying on it. She looked like my ex-wife Carolina (except she was only 16-17 years old instead of in her mid 30s). I knew she was my new girlfriend. Another woman who looked like Michelle (except she was in her mid 30s instead of her early 20s) was standing at the end of the bed. Both females were very pretty. As soon as I saw them, I started telling them the story about how I had lost the lens out of my eyeglasses.
Then I mentioned something about how maybe we could have a threesome. I didn't think they would be willing to do it, but I thought there was a possibility. I thought if we did have a threesome, they wouldn't have to have sex with each other. I would simply have sex with each of them. I didn't think anything would actually happen, but thinking about the three of us being together was highly erotic, and somehow I ended up on the bed with my pants off. Michelle leaned over and duteously stuck my penis into her mouth. As the Hispanic girl watched, she seemed curious and not offended. I thought there was a good chance she would also participate. I thought Michelle could show the Hispanic girl the proper technique and the Hispanic girl could then take her turn on me.
I definitely had difficulty distinguishing between my lust for Michelle and my love for Michelle.
Dream of:26 March 2010 "A Ready For Love"
I was in my white 1999 Escort which was filled with people, including Michelle (in her early 20s) and my father. Michelle was lying next to me, and my father seemed to be looking her over. She was wearing a low-cut top so the tops of her well-formed breasts were visible. I wondered if my father was appreciating how beautiful Michelle was, especially her face. Finally he made a comment about how fortunate a man was who could be with someone like Michelle. I was surprised because my father had always evinced disdain for Michelle and he had never indicated I had accomplished anything by being with her. All I had ever wanted from him was an acknowledgement of Michelle's beauty and worth.
My attention was finally drawn to the driver, who was speeding down the street. I became angry when I realized he had driven into a section of town where we didn't need to be, apparently for some business of his own. He was a black fellow (probably in his late 20s) named Sammy and he seemed to be an acquaintance of Michelle's. When I said something to him about heading in the right direction, he sped up and careened around a corner so fast that the car actually turned around and we began traveling backwards down the street. After I began hollering for him to pull over, he continued on backwards for a couple blocks, then finally pulled over to the curb. I jumped out of the car and told him to get out. He did so and he stepped to the side of the car. A muscular fellow, he wasn't wearing a shirt. I told him he needed to learn to drive and he immediately took offense, asking me if I was saying he was stupid. I said no, I was just telling him he needed to learn to drive.
I didn't want any trouble with him. I hurried to the driver's door. I thought if Sammy tried to start any trouble with me I would holler for one of the fellows in the car to jump out and help me. Since I thought my old friend George Musser was in the car, I thought might holler for him. I also thought my old friend George Staggs (another Portsmouth friend from my teenage years) might also be in the car, but I wasn't sure he would help.
When Sammy didn't come any closer to me, I jumped into the car behind the driver's wheel. When I looked through the rear view mirror, however, I could see several other fellows gathered around Sammy. Obviously Sammy was telling them what had happened and they were walking toward the car as if they were going to attack me. I turned on the car and pressed on the accelerator, but the car barely moved. I could hardly believe it. Finally however the car began moving faster and I bustled down the road.
Michelle was sitting next to me on my right. She seemed to have dark black hair instead of blonde. She blurted out, "Gimme a pill."
I knew immediately she was referring to an 80 milligram Oxycontin, her drug of choice. I was alarmed that she would say such a thing since my father was sitting in the back seat and I didn't want her doing pills around him. Then she blurted, "I'm a ready for love."
She looked so sexy. Obviously she was saying she also wanted to have sex. The thought even passed through my mind that she might be willing to have sex with my father. I thought I might even be willing to allow her to do so, just to be nice to my father and let him see how good she was in bed.
Michelle's addiction to pain pills seemed to me to be the result of a deeper malady which I wanted to understand, but could not.
Dream of:02 April 2010 "Medical Diagnosis"
I was in an apartment where I was living with Michelle and her boyfriend, Wayne. I had been aware for awhile that Michelle knew someone who could obtain 80 milligram Oxycontin pills for $25 apiece, but it hadn't occurred to me that I could buy a substantial quantity of the pills and that Michelle could sell them for me at $80 apiece. I could make a tidy profit on the pills, or Michelle could simply use the pills herself. I called to Michelle and when she walked into the room, I began calculating that I could buy 40 pills for $1,000. After I told Michelle I wanted to buy as many pills as I could because I knew they wouldn't last long, she also began calculating how many pills she could buy and she said she was going to call the person with the pills. I told her I didn't want Wayne to know anything about what we were doing (I thought he might be eavesdropping on us) and she said she didn't tell Wayne anything.
She walked out of the room while I continued calculating how much money I was going to spend on the pills. Figuring that Michelle consumed two pills a day, I tried to calculate how much keeping her supplied would cost. At any rate, the pills would definitely be a bargain compared to the price she usually paid.
Michelle and I were at a hospital so that Michelle could undergo a checkup. A doctor was sitting in front of us. Although Michelle hadn't said anything about her intemperate use of drugs, I finally mentioned something to the doctor about it. The doctor looked at her more closely and pulled out a small tube of something which he was going to give to her. Since I knew Michelle had already taken some drugs and some medicine that day, I was unsure she should now be taking more medicine for the drugs. She looked drowsy, as if she were going to pass out. Finally, the doctor stood up and escorted Michelle to a large bed in an open area, where she lay down.
A nurse walked up to a big machine, pressed a button, picked up some papers which spewed out of the machine, then walked away. I walked over to the machine and wondered how I could procure copies of the same papers (which I figured contained Michelle's medical diagnosis) and I asked a couple other nurses who were standing near the machine how I could obtain copies. I knew I wasn't related to Michelle, but if the nurses asked, I would tell them that I was Michelle's friend and that I had brought her to the hospital. When the nurses began talking to each other in a foreign language, I tried to figure out what language they were speaking. When one nurse finally told me in English that she couldn't give me a copy of the papers, I walked away, still trying to figure out how I could obtain a copy. I wanted to know exactly what was wrong with Michelle.
I wanted a drink of water, but a fellow was standing right in front of the water fountain. Five or six other water fountains were in the room, but they were all disconnected. When I finally walked up to the water fountain, the fellow stepped away.
I hoped that Michelle would satiate my need for sex and that I would not one day seek out a new partner for sexual purposes.
Dream of:04 April 2010 "A Proposal"
I had met a very attractive blonde woman (about 20 years old) who came to visit me at the 17th Street House. It looked as if she were going to move in with me for a while. While she left to fetch something, I waited several hours for her on the first floor of the House. When I finally heard a knock at the door, I opened it and found three men standing in front of me. They had come to fix a piece of electrical equipment in the House. I let them enter and they began working.
I was surprised when I then looked on the stairway and saw the woman standing there. Apparently she had entered the House without my noticing. I told her I hadn't realized she had returned. Wearing a dress which fell to her knees, she looked extremely pretty, and as she walked around the House, the three men looked at her. She walked up the stairs, and just as I was about to follow her, Michelle showed up. Michelle and I began talking. Michelle knew about the woman, but I wasn't sure what she thought about her. Michelle and I walked up the stairs and into the bedroom, where the woman was sitting on the bed. I sat down on the bed with the woman on my left. After Michelle sat down close to me on my right, I realized the breasts of both women were uncovered. I wasn't sure what Michelle would think if I began feeling the other woman's breasts, nor was I sure I should do such a thing. Since I didn't want to feel Michelle's breasts at the moment, the three of us simply sat on the bed. Sitting between both women was extremely erotic.
I was driving a car in which Michelle was sitting in the front passenger seat. She was obviously upset about the other woman. I talked to Michelle and asked her if it was alright if I made love to the other woman. She didn't seem to indicate I would be out line if did so, but she was obviously concerned. We talked and talked until I finally suggested that Michelle and I both make love to the other woman. Michelle mulled over the proposal, trying to decide. She seemed uncertain whether she wanted to do that, but it definitely seemed like a possibility.
Although Michelle maintained that her sexual encounters had been quite limited before me, I remained curious about those encounters. Perhaps Michelle had never been particularly promiscuous. I just did not know for sure.
Dream of:16 April 2010 "Hundreds Of Men"
Michelle was sitting in front of me in a chair. I had been questioning her about her previous sexual experiences, and finally she had broken down and confessed that she had had sex with "hundreds of men" before she had met me. As her face contorted and she began sobbing, I thought to myself that if she had had sex with hundreds before me, she must have had sex with "dozens" of other men since she had known me. I stood in front of her, preparing to ask her about her sexual encounters with other men since she had known me.
Although I was sometimes tempted by drugs, Michelle was virtually consumed by them. I had little difficulty resisting the drugs.
Dream of:16 April 2010 "Coco"
Michelle stepped into the room where I was and asked, "Steve, do you want some coco?"
Thinking she was asking me if I wanted some cocaine, I answered emphatically and tersely, "No!"
I wanted to remember Michelle as the beautiful creature I had first met. I wanted to remember her beautiful smile. For indeed, she had been beautiful, probably the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced.
Dream of:19 April 2010 "Ida"
Michelle (about 20 years old) was sitting next to me on my right. She looked particularly beautiful and her hair was exceptionally blonde. On the other side of her was sitting a long line of soldiers (perhaps 200) stretching off into the distance. Also on my right a similar line of sitting soldiers stretched away. I slowly became aware that Michelle (her blonde hair falling on her shoulders) was naked from the waist up. I fretted the soldiers would be looking at her and I made a comment about her being "topless." I wasn't particularly concerned, however, because she had practically no breasts and was virtually flat-chested. A woman sitting nearby told Michelle that she needed to put on a top. When Michelle finally stood up to put on a top, I realized she actually did have fully developed luscious breasts. I thought everyone in the hall must be looking at her, amazed at how beautiful her breasts were.
Although Michelle was sitting in a chair, I seemed to be sitting on a couch. A couple younger soldiers sat down next to me on my left. They weren't friendly and soon left. Then an older fellow with grayish hair cut in a burr sat down next to me. He was friendlier and I talked a bit with him. I finally asked him how old he was. I thought he looked about 60 years old, but he said he was 40. I asked him to guess how old I was. He said, "Oh, about 23."
I replied, "I'm 57."
Astonished, he couldn't believe it. I thought Michelle would be impressed that someone thought I was so young.
My attention became focused on a movie which was playing on a wide screen in front of us. At first a trite and hackneyed black-and-white war movie was playing. I told the fellow next to me that the movie was boring and that I would like something with some action. Suddenly I saw Michelle (about 20 years old) on the screen. She was walking toward the back porch of a house and she was absolutely radiant. She was wearing a pale-green dress with white polka dots. Her walk turned into a dance, as if from a ballet, as she whisked up the back stairs. Her dress flared out as she jumped onto the porch, revealingly touting her white panties. Music played in the background and she looked at the camera with her beautiful smile. Her name was "Ida" and somehow I knew the name of the movie was also Ida.
Everyone in the hall was staring at the screen because Michelle was so beautiful. I thought to myself that Michelle would now be lost to me because she had been discovered and she would move on in the world. I thought of all the times I had had sex with Michelle, and I thought of saying to the fellow next to me, "She fucks like a monkey."
I didn't say anything however. I simply sat silently and watched the movie.
Although Michelle and I were still together, our paths seemed to have diverged. Although I felt the end of our relationship might be imminent, I felt that Michelle and I had forged a bond which would last for the rest of my life.
Dream of:21 April 2010 "Spiritual Feeling"
Dressed in a suit, I had walked into a courtroom somewhere in the Forth Worth area. I had decided to start practicing law again and had come to court in hopes of being appointed by the judge to represent someone on a case. I walked up to the bench and stood in front of the judge. He quickly appointed me to a case and I turned and walked away. As I was leaving the courtroom, I was thinking to myself that I needed to visit all the various courts in the courthouse and let the judges know I was available for appointment to cases. I felt good about practicing law again, even though I knew I would need to work hard to build up a law practice.
I walked outside the courthouse and headed for the corner of the street. As I stood on the corner, I looked up and saw towering above me a gigantic cathedral. I had never noticed the cathedral before and was intrigued by its beauty. I decided to walk inside and see what it was like. I walked up to the entrance and passed through the door. Other people were also walking inside and I realized a service was about to begin. Most seats were already taken, but an usher helped me find a seat close to the front.
The pews were arranged like bleachers, with the pulpit down below in front. I was only three or four rows back from the pulpit, looking down. After I had sat down, I felt extremely emotional about being in church. I almost felt as if I were going to cry and a tear formed in my eye. I also thought about Michelle. I wished she could have the kind of spiritual feeling which I was experiencing by being in church. But it seemed as if Michelle had chosen a different path, and I seemed powerless to change the road she was traveling.
If my relationship with Michelle ended, I did not want another relationship.
Dream of:08 May 2010 "Lola"
I was with a young black-haired woman named Lola in a bedroom on the second floor of the House In Patriot. We were sitting on the bed and talking, and I liked being with her. I hadn't decided for sure, but I was thinking of having sex with her.
Later, while I was sitting alone on the bed in the same room, Michelle and another woman walked in. I was uncertain whether I had had sex with Lola, and whether I should tell Michelle about it. Even though I figured Michelle had had sex with other men while she had been seeing me, I didn't want to have sex with other women without telling Michelle. Suddenly I blurted out to Michelle that I had had sex with Lola. Michelle was standing right next to me with her hand on my arm. As a reflex, she began squeezing my arm. She was obviously extremely upset. I felt bad. I hoped that Michelle would understand and that she would still stay with me, but I didn't think she would.
In many ways Michelle was fantasy made reality in which I had been able to live out my youth one last time.
Dream of:12 May 2010 "Crossing Rings"
While Michelle and I were in Texas, we intended to borrow a large pick-up truck (which belonged to a principal of a high school) so we could go to a basketball game. Michelle had already climbed into the truck, while the principal (probably in his early 40s) and I were standing and talking beside the truck, which was parked in a lot behind a building. I had the impression the principal might have been drinking some alcohol. When I slipped and told him I would bring the truck back "tomorrow", he caught what I had said. I corrected myself and said, "No I mean tonight."
He said he wanted me to take someone else with me to the basketball game. Although I didn't want to take anyone else, I felt compelled to do so. The persons in question were a couple students (a fellow and his girl) who were sitting right there in a white car. When I walked over to the car and spoke to them, I discovered four people were actually in the car - two fellows and two girls. I agreed to take all four. I told them they would have to ride in the back seat of the truck.
The game (which was about 20 minutes away) was supposed to start in about an hour. I asked the four of them where they wanted me to pick them up. It sounded as if they wanted me to pick up all of them individually. When I told them we needed to leave immediately, the car started backing up, and since I was now standing on a running board on the outside of the car, I moved along with them. Still talking with them, I asked them what grade they were in. They said they were all in the twelfth grade. I responded, "At least you're not in the eleventh grade."
They backed up the car toward the truck, which had been backed over two sturdy pieces of metal which formed a bridge over a big rectangular hole in the lot. I could see Michelle (dressed in a brown coat) sitting in the truck. Her mouth was open in a big wide smile and it looked as if she might be putting on lipstick. She was very pretty. Both fellows in the car started looking at her and one fellow said something about "crossing rings." I wasn't sure, but I thought he might be talking about some jewelry he was wearing, and I thought he might be indicating he would like to trade his partner for Michelle. I figured the fellows were obviously impressed that an old man such as myself was with a young beauty such as Michelle. I prepared to jump off the running board so I could board the truck with Michelle and pick up the others.
Michelle's future without me worried me as I foresaw a life of pain and hardship for her.
Dream of:10 June 2010 "Run-Down Hotel"
I had taken my mother to look for Michelle, who had taken off somewhere. I found Michelle at a run-down hotel which seemed to be in a resort area of a foreign country. I was standing at the front desk when she walked up. She was completely surprised to see me. As she stared at me, I began talking to her. I abrasively disparaged her in front of my mother. I called her a "whore", then said to my mother, "Look at her."
Michelle endured my excoriation without saying anything. From the way she was acting, I had the feeling she had been smoking crack. She remained quiet and didn't become agitated by what I was saying. When I asked her who was with her in the hotel, she was evasive. She balked when I told her to take me to her room. Obviously she didn't want to do that, but finally she said, "Ok."
She and I walked out the front door of the lobby and around to the side of the hotel to a grassy area. As we stood at the top of a grassy bank, I felt something grab my shirt from behind and suddenly my shirt was pulled off from me. I turned around and saw a black man running away from me. Apparently he had run past me and pulled off my long-sleeved blue shirt. I realized he was probably with Michelle. He was muscular, around 30 years old, dressed in blue jeans and a shirt. I immediately felt as if I were in danger, and I tried to see if he were carrying a knife.
Michelle walked down the grassy bank to a road at the bottom. A car pulled up and stopped. Michelle walked over to the car and began talking ghetto language to the fellow driving the car. I heard her talk about how she was going to have trouble with this guy (obviously referring to me). I thought I might be in some danger, but I wasn't particularly concerned. I could still see the black fellow standing at the top of the bank. It was beginning to look as if Michelle was with both men. She had probably been having sex with both, or maybe dancing for them. The thought was disgusting. Now she was talking about me with this fellow.
Sometimes relationships simply die, and sometimes they change into something new. I didn't want my relationship with Michelle to completely die.
Dream of: 02 July 2010 "Death In The Family"
I was with some members of Michelle's family, including her half-brother Ray and Ray's wife Bonnie. Ray was talking on the phone, and when he finished talking, he was crying. He said his little brother had been killed. I was puzzled because I hadn't known he had a little brother. Finally I realized he was talking about a younger version of himself. Apparently there were two Rays. I had difficultly believing the younger Ray was dead.
I knew that Michelle loved her brother and that she would be inexorably devastated when she learned that he was dead. I said someone was going to have to call her. Ray said he would do it. He picked up the phone, but he couldn't bring himself to make the call. I told him I would call her. I picked up the phone and called Ray's house, where I thought Michelle was, but she wasn't there. I asked the person who answered the phone where Michelle was, but the person didn't know. I thought Michelle must have been there earlier, but had left. The person said he thought she was working somewhere. It sounded as if he said she was working at a linoleum factory. He also said she might be cleaning someone's house. I thought to myself that she was probably with a man and being paid for having sex with him, but I didn't say anything.
After hanging up the phone, I asked Ray if he knew where Michelle was. Although he had been crying before, he now seemed nonchalant about the whole matter. He pulled out a piece of paper and wrote a phone number. The first three numbers were "788" which I thought was the exchange for Wheelersburg, Ohio, even though I had thought she was in West Portsmouth. I again picked up the phone to try to call her.
Still loving her, but more removed from her, I watched Michelle's addiction fuel her perfidy.
Dream of:22 July 2010 "Disgusting Scheme"
Michelle (in her early 20s, as pretty as ever) was standing in front of me. I had learned that she had been receiving money from some people and that she was supposed to hold the money for them. Apparently the people were trying to save for various reasons, such as for a future college education. All the people were poor and ignorant and Michelle had somehow talked them into giving her the money. I knew Michelle wasn't saving the money like she was supposed to. She didn't even have a bank account in which to deposit it. When I asked her if she was keeping track of some money she had just received, she said she had written the figures down on the outside of a purse which she had.
I knew what Michelle would do with the money: buy drugs. She would spend every penny and when the time came to return the money to the people, she wouldn't have any. I figured Michelle was going to end up in serious trouble and probably go to jail. I was disgusted by her atrocious scheme and by her taking advantage of the poor people, but I didn't know how to stop her.
In the spring of 2010 Michelle broke up with her boyfriend Wayne. She bounced around from friend to friend, found a new boyfriend, then broke up with him. Still chained to the pills, she was definitely on a downward spiral.
Dream of:31 July 2010 "Chained"
Since I hadn't seen Michelle for a couple days, I wondered where she was. Almost automatically without my knowing it, I walked into the apartment of Michelle's ex-boyfriend, Wayne, who lived in government subsidized housing in an area in Portsmouth called Wayne Hills. Once I realized I was standing in Wayne's living room, I hollered out his name. I heard him say something, then saw him walk out of his bedroom. Unhealthy-looking, unnaturally thin, he was twisting his torso as if he couldn't stand up straight. When he walked back to his bedroom, I followed him.
Wayne said he had hurt himself when he had tried to move some wooden shelves out of his bedroom. He pointed out an empty place along a wall where the shelves had sat. Obviously he had moved the shelves from the room. It didn't look to me as if the moving of the shelves should have been so arduous as to have caused his injury, but apparently injury had resulted.
I was wondering if he had seen Michelle.
I was sitting in the driver's seat of my car which was parked in front of Wayne's apartment. Wayne was standing outside the car, talking with me. He talked about Michelle and how she had thrown a fit (apparently the day before). Wayne had had a couple monster models constructed from old Aurora model kits such as I had had when I had been a boy. I now recalled Wayne's having stood in front of me with a model in each hand when I had been in the apartment. He had shown me the Phantom of the Opera and the Hunchback of Notre Dame models.
I asked him which model Michelle had broken, and he said, "the one with the rock." I knew he meant the Hunchback of Notre Dame, because the Hunchback was bent over in the model, chained to a rock. Michelle had thrown the model against something and had broken the model. I told Wayne I would have bought those models from him. He said something else which I at first didn't understand, but then realized he had been speaking about "nests" of freaky unsavory people in Huntington, West Virginia, about 60 kilometers away. Apparently a person could hang out with those people until he got to know them, then the person could buy models from them. I wasn't at all interested in doing something like that.
I was, however, intrigued by learning that Michelle had visited Wayne. It looked as if she might be staying with him again.
Wayne said Michelle had broken his models because he hadn't had any money. I envisioned a scene where Michelle had wanted money for pills, and when she hadn't been able to obtain it, she had become violent and had started breaking things. Obviously she hadn't changed. I had thought she was supposed to stop doing drugs, but clearly she hadn't.
Still sitting in the car, I heard my cell phone ring. I picked up the phone and looked at the screen, which had a little shutter on it which I first had to push up to see the screen. Even after I had pushed up the shutter I still couldn't tell who was calling, so I simply hit the answer button. I put the phone to my ear and heard Michelle's voice on the other end. She sounded tired and worn out. She said something about having trouble finding a parking space. It sounded as if she was supposed to be at Wal-Mart.
Just listening to her made me upset. I didn't know where she was. I figured she was probably lying about being at Wal-Mart. I told her I didn't need to know what she was doing, then I mentioned I had already heard she had thrown a fit with Wayne. She was silent. I told her I knew about the model which she had broken. I began castigating her erratic behavior and her waste of time. I talked about how a person should use his or her time to accomplish something. She had used up a lot of time, but she hadn't accomplished anything. I said, "I see you're as bad as ever," then I added, "I don't know why you call."
Although I still regularly saw Michelle, our future together seemed more and more tenuous, and thoughts of my future without her increased.
Dream of:03 August 2010 "Impressed"
I had returned to Dallas where I intended to once again practice law.
I was downtown in a tall office-building where I had come to visit an attorney who was a friend of mine. I walked into a room with table and chairs and I sat down. Other people were also sitting and working in the room. With me I was carrying a file which I had only now opened for the first time, and I discovered the file was for one of my old bankruptcy clients. When I looked through the file, I discovered the case was set for a hearing on a motion to lift stay. It looked as if the hearing was scheduled to be heard in two days, or perhaps even later that same day. I was amazed to have discovered the case, which appeared to be ancient. I had thought I had already wrapped up all my old cases, but now I suddenly realized I needed to go to the hearing. I also needed to call the client.
As I continued to sit at the table and look around at the other people working there, I began to have an uneasy feeling I was in the wrong law office. I began to suspect I had unwittingly stumbled into the law office of my ex-wife, Louise.
A woman (about 30 years old, who looked like a lawyer) was sitting in the room. I overheard her talking to someone else about me. She said something about how I had been a star. I knew she was referring to my having been an excellent lawyer when I had practiced law in Dallas. She indicated, however, that I wouldn't be able to return and simply pick up the law again, even though I was trying to do exactly that. I tried to ignore her. I thought I could come back if I wanted. I definitely, however, didn't want to be in Louise's law office, so I stood up and walked out into the hall.
I boarded a little elevator and headed down. I wondered what Michelle would think when she found out I was going to practice law again and start making good money. I figured she would be impressed.
The elevator was so tiny, not more than four people could have fit. I was going down to the first floor, but another man (already on the elevator) planned to get off on another floor. It looked, however, as if the elevator were going up instead of down. As we rode on, the man started talking in German. I listened for a few words, then told him in German that I could speak a little German. The elevator ride seemed interminable. Next, another woman (about 30 years old, well-dressed in a suit) also boarded and began speaking German. I concluded the elevator was probably only for Germans.
The young woman impressed me. I figured that she had probably come from Germany and that she was accomplished enough to be working in the United States. She probably worked for a corporation, such as a bank. I thought that taking this German elevator would be a good idea in the future.
Gradually the elevator seemed bigger. I even sat down at a table and watched television for a while. When the elevator finally reached the first floor, two other fellows and I stepped off. Every wall I could see was painted white (I wondered if I were in a bathroom), and to leave, I would have to crawl under one wall, the bottom of which was raised off the ground about a third of a meter. I thought about bending over on my hands and knees and crawling under the wall, but I decided I didn't want to do that.
It seemed that my experience with Michelle had not cured my inability to clearly define the relationship between art and sex.
Dream of: 08 August 2010 "Windmill"
My ex-wife, Louise (who also seemed to exhibit attributes of my second ex-wife, Carolia, and of Michelle) and I were in a museum where we had been looking at some large, somber, and dull paintings. One landscape painting seemed to have a windmill in the background.
When my old drinking buddy from high school and college, Steve Bukcner, showed up, the three of us stepped over to the side. I sat down on a bench with Louise and began kissing her and feeling her up, even while Buckner was sitting right beside us. While feeling her breast, I pulled it out in the open so Buckner could see it. Louise seemed shocked by my action, as if she didn't know what to do.
I went further. I grabbed Buckner's hand and laid it on Louise's bare breast so he could squeeze it. She didn't stop me at any time, but at the same time I was uncertain she wanted me to continue. Finally, with a slight tone of displeasure, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to do what I was doing. It sounded as if she were disparaging me for my actions, yet I remarked that she could stop me at any time, but she didn't. I therefore felt as if she shared some responsibility for the passionate scene.
My relationship with Michelle grew increasingly desultory, yet we continued to sporadically see each other.
Dream of:08 August 2010 "Confession"
Since Michelle was planning to buy some Oxycontin pills, I decided I would buy some for myself. I thought she was going to buy $60 worth, and I thought if we bought twice the amount, we could probably buy them for $100.
I gave Michelle some money and she left. When she returned (her ex-boyfriend Wayne was lurking around in the background), she gave me a little white pill, which I decided to eat immediately. I swallowed the pill. Michelle, on the other hand, was snorting her pill.
Michelle, Wayne and I were all sitting on the ground. My hand was lying on the ground, open with the palm up. As Michelle was reaching across me to hand something to Wayne, I suddenly felt something in the palm of my hand. I looked and was surprised to see a little blue pill lying in my hand. Perhaps a fifth of the pill had already been shaved off. I closed my hand and held onto the pill. I asked Michelle what she had bought for herself, and she said she had bought "three twenties." I asked her what I had received, and she said "a fifteen." I knew she was referring to three 20-miligram Oxycontin pills for herself, and one 15-miligram pill for me. Apparently she had obtained the 15-miligram pill for free (and not with the money I had given her). I also knew one of Michelle's 20-miligram pills had fallen into my hand. Surprisingly, however, Michelle was unaware she had lost the pill.
We all stood up. We were inside a large church. We walked around the church, tending to some things we needed to take care of. It turned out that a man (40-50 years old) who was Michelle's father was the minister in the church. I continued walking around, holding the pill in my hand. I had decided to keep it. I was carrying a shaver with which I could shave down the pill so I could snort it. I also found a straw and a pair of scissors (which I could use to cut the straw). I was unable, however, to separate myself from Michelle and Wayne, and finally I simply laid the shaver up on a shelf, thinking I would retrieve it later.
We continued to walk around the church while they kept looking for something. Suddenly, somehow I managed to drop the pill and it rolled under a white refrigerator. I bent down on my knees to look for it, but I couldn't see it. I didn't know what to do. Now I was going to have to confess to Michelle that I had had the pill so she could help me look for it. I thought perhaps we could split the pill if we found it.
Instead of telling Michelle about the pill, however, I continued walking around the church with her and Wayne, trying to decide what to do. I noticed a pile of money lying on a table which we passed and I noticed Michelle scooting the money over to the side of the table. I reflected that the people in this church obviously trusted me. When we finally decided to leave and we headed toward the door of the church, I asked Michelle if she had a key. She said she did. I thought that after Michelle's father locked up the church, Michelle and I could return to the church with her key and look for the pill until we found it.
If possible, the wisest choice sometimes is to simply run away.
Dream of:03 September 2010 "No Place To Hide"
It was night. Michelle was visiting me in a house where I was living on an army base. Another fellow and a girl (the girl was probably in her late teens) were also in the house. The girl, lying in a bed, was naked from the waist up.
We were expecting an attack on the base by bombs being dropped from the air. Having never experienced such an attack before, I wished the attack would begin so I could see what it was like. The night, however, drug on interminably and nothing happened.
When I finally said something which made Michelle angry, she and I stopped talking. I stepped outside for a moment and saw what appeared to be big round bales of hay, only they were actually bales of wire, shooting straight up into the air. I realized the bales were some kind of protection which were being launched into the air to protect us. I walked back into the house and told Michelle what I had seen. For the first time I started to become worried. I thought I could hear the drone of planes and I envisioned hundred of planes coming our way. As the danger became clear, I said, "There's no place to hide."
An old song began going through my head, .".. there's no place to run to, baby, nowhere to go ..."
People who do not appreciate their freedom are the most likely to lose it.
Dream of:07 September 2010 "Free To Go"
I was standing outside the apartment of Cinda (an overweight friend of Michelle's) where Michelle had been staying. As Michelle and some other people lolled nearby, Brown (the boyfriend of Cinda's mother) walked up and handed me nine 30 mg Oxycontin pills (which actually looked like 80 mg pills). As I stood there with the pills in my hand, I turned around and unexpectedly saw a police car parked right behind me. I dashed into the apartment, unsure whether the police were going to follow me inside.
Sensing that I might become embroiled in an unhappy affair, I raced up to the second floor where I intended to climb up into the attic. I stood up on a chair, reached up to a board in the ceiling which covered the attic hole, and lifted the board up. I looked inside the attic, saw some yellow fiberglass insulation, and stuffed the pills inside the insulation.
Just as I climbed back down off the chair, I looked around and saw a man who looked like a plainclothes policeman walk into and quickly survey the room. He noticed the chair, looked up to the attic hole and saw the board askance. I knew he suspected I had put something up there. The entire apartment began filling up with about 10 plainclothes policemen.
Michelle and the others stayed outside, but I remained inside, intent on seeing what was going to happen next. I was particularly interested in discovering what was going to happen to the pills. As I waited, the police began searching all over the apartment. When one policeman finally climbed up into the attic, I began to worry, particularly that my fingerprints might be on the pills.
Finally I walked back downstairs and sat down at a table. One officer walked downstairs and showed me a little bowl with 20-30 pills in it. They were not, however, the pills which I had had. Some were little white pills which looked like Xanex. I told him I didn't know anything about them. Other policemen also found more and more pills, but they never brought down the pills which I had hidden in the attic. I continued telling them I didn't know anything about the pills in the bowl.
As the officers continued talking with me, I wondered if I was under arrest. It looked as if I were. I finally asked, "Am I under arrest?"
When one officer said I wasn't under arrest, I asked, "Am I free to go?"
They acted as if I were free, but I still had the feeling I wasn't going to be able to leave. I remained seated for a while, then finally stood up. Two officers immediately stepped up to me and started to put little black plastic handcuffs on me. They didn't actually put the handcuffs on me, however, and I sat back down. It looked as if I were definitely going to be arrested. I began thinking this was going to be a big problem, especially since I was a lawyer. I could be disbarred.
I didn't know exactly what I was going to do, but I wasn't extremely upset because I thought that proving a case against me would be difficult. They hadn't found anything on me and I didn't live in the apartment. I thought there was a good chance I could get out of the mess. Nevertheless, it was going to be a terrific problem.
While sitting at the table, I was given a drug test, and I knew I had taken some Oxycontin the day before. The result came back in a little tube, which showed red, which meant I was positive for Oxycontin. The police obviously now knew I had taken some Oxycontin.
Several police officers were now sitting at the table with me. One turned to me and handed me two pieces of paper which had credit cards on them. He then said I was free to go. I realized that while I had been there, the police had cancelled two of my credit cards, then they had taken all this time to renew the cards. I heard one officer say, "He's a lawyer."
One of the others said they had received a call from someone. I wasn't sure about whom they were talking.
I stood up, walked out, and headed down the street. After I had walked a short distance, I turned around and walked back to the apartment. All the police had departed. I stepped inside, debating whether I should go up to the attic and retrieve the pills. I wasn't quite sure. I thought the police might have left some cameras.
I found a lawnmower inside the apartment. Since grass was growing in one room, I started up the lawnmower and started cutting the grass. I pushed the lawnmower in circles around the room, cutting the grass.
Stepping back from the edge of the precipice, I began to awaken.
Dream of: 10 September 2010 "The Only Explanation"
Michelle (along with her brown pit bull, Kirsten), several other people and I were in a car which another fellow was driving along high ridges from which we could see far into the distance. The view was spectacular. I wanted to stop and step out of the car, but the fellow continued to drive. When he finally stopped at a place where we couldn't see much, I made a snide comment. We all climbed out of the car and I walked over to an area where I thought I might be able to see the view past the trees. I bent down on my knees and crawled over to a ledge. When I reached the edge and looked over, I was amazed by the precipitous long drop below me. I could hardly believe how far down it was. As Michelle walked toward me, I told her to get down on her knees. I thought if she would happen to topple and fall, she would surely die. She stooped down on her knees, crawled up to the edge, and looked down.
After we both had a good look, we scooted back. As we lay next to each other, another fellow walked up, lay on the other side of Michelle and put his leg across her. When I tried to kick off his leg, my foot went right through him. I couldn't believe it. I tried to touch him with my hand, and my hand also went right through him as if he were a shadow or a ghost. I was amazed. I had never seen the like. I bethought myself, "I must be dreaming."
That was the only explanation I could conceive, but everything seemed so real, I didn't think I was dreaming. I thought if I were dreaming, I could continue dreaming. Since I didn't think I was dreaming, however, I didn't think I could manipulate the dream. I simply couldn't explain it.
Making the decision to leave Michelle was much easier than actually doing it.
Dream of: 12 September 2010 "Pitiful"
While I was in my 17th Street House, Michelle showed up at the door and I let her in, even though I had previously told her that I didn't want to see her anymore. She said she wanted to work for half an hour. She seemed so pitiful, I felt sorry for her, but I really didn't want her around anymore. I wasn't sure whether I was going to do anything with her. The situation was unpleasant. I was somewhat glad to see her, but I had already decided I was finished with her.
Michelle had inspired me and I loved her for that.
Dream of:15 September 2010 "The Gita"
Roger Anderson (an old Portsmouth friend since high school) and I were in a building in a forested resort about 15 kilometers from Portsmouth. I could see people sitting around a lake outside. I was gathering together a few things I had brought with me because Anderson and I were getting ready to walk back to Portsmouth. I was looking for a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita which I had brought with me. I called it "the Gita."
A fellow whom Anderson knew was sitting there and Anderson spoke to him. The fellow had a couple paper-back books lying in front of him. I thought the fellow might be an interesting person with whom to talk, but I didn't say anything to him.
Instead of leaving, Anderson and I sat down at another table. I had always thought Anderson could write something, but he never had. I told him it wasn't too late, that he could still write something. I was thinking of telling him I had written a book about Michelle. I knew the book wasn't completely finished, but I thought Anderson might like to read it. But then I decided to not even mention the book since it really wasn't yet at the point where someone could read it. I was glad I had written my book and I thought there was still time for Anderson to write something.
Unless I changed myself, I was not going to be able to help Michelle.
Dream of:23 September 2010 "Sick Fish"
While in the rear living room of my 17th Street House, I noticed a huge glass container (about two meters tall) full of water. A beautiful round blue fish (about 15 centimeters long) which resembled an angel fish was swimming inside the container. I now recalled that Michelle had told me she had put a blue fish in the House, even though I didn't know how she had been able to enter the House and do so. Clearly, however, she had been able to. As I watched the fish, I thought I needed to give it some food. When the fish descended to the bottom of the container and lay on its side, I thought it might be sick. Perhaps the water was running out of oxygen. Perhaps I needed to siphon out the water and put new water in the container. Even though the fish might already be too sick, I nevertheless, thought I needed to change the water and try to save it.
The power which sex had over me had seemed simply too strong to overcome, so I had simply given in to the intensely pleasurable pleasure of sex.
Dream of: 23 September 2010 "Loafing"
A hefty Hispanic fellow (probably in his late 20s) and I had gone to a cottage in West Portsmouth on the west side of the Scioto River. The cottage was a place where people went to loaf. After we entered, we walked back to the bedroom and sat down on the bed. I heard someone walk into the front room and suddenly Michelle's black-haired mother, Kim (in her late 30s), walked into the bedroom and began talking. For some reason, when she walked up close to me, I was aroused by seeing her. I had never touched her and I didn't know if doing so would be appropriate, but when she edged closer and closer, I finally put my arm around her back. I was still sitting on the bed and she was standing next to the bed, while the other fellow was still lying on the bed.
With my arm resting in the area over the top of her pants in back, I ran my finger along her skin. It seemed as if she might not be wearing any panties. She moved closer and closer until we were finally lying next to each other on the bed. I thought about kissing her, but I really didn't want to do so. I thought she was being friendly because she probably wanted me to give her some money. She probably wanted to buy some crack and I figured someone in the house probably had some.
I hadn't seen Michelle lately and I hadn't had any sex at all for about a week, so I quickly had an erection. I wondered what Michelle would think if she knew I was with her mother.
Suddenly, I seemed to snap and I didn't want to proceed. I stood up and asked the mother, "What is it you want?"
I really didn't want to give her anything, but I thought I probably would. When she didn't say anything, I asked the other fellow where his pot was (I knew he had some marijuana). When he pulled out a little tray with some pot on it, I thought I would roll a joint. A roach was already in the pot, but I intended to roll up a whole new joint. I liked the fellow. He was friendly and accommodating.
Lust nourishes anger.
Dream of:06 October 2010 "Furious"
Michelle and I were in a house which seemed vaguely like the House in Patriot (the cottage in the village of Patriot, Ohio which had been the home of my maternal grandparents when I was a child). She had an 80 mg tab of Oxycontin which she had laid on a table. She was supposed to split the tab with me, but I was so disgusted with drugs I told her I didn't want any. I turned around for just an instant, and when I turned back, I saw she had snorted the whole pill. Only a few crumbs were left on the table. I was furious. I couldn't believe she had simply snorted the whole tab. I raked the few crumbs together, but since practically nothing was left, I just swept them from the table. I turned to her and told her she was "a fucking whore."
Idleness was the demon which I had to exorcise from my mind before I could help Michelle with her demons.
Dream of:20 October 2010 "Demon-Possessed"
Michelle and I had stopped in a whore house because we didn't know where else to go. We sat down in the front room where five or six of the women were gathered. Michelle knew all the women in the whore house. All the women were attractive, but I was only interested in Michelle, who was lusciously gorgeous, about 20 years old, with noticeably firm breasts.
One woman began talking about how (in front of the women) I had had sex with Michelle in the other room. The woman said I had stood up and stuck my penis in Michelle's mouth. She said they had even taken pictures of the episode. I, however, didn't remember anything which the woman was describing. The woman then said there was something wrong with Michelle because Michelle was so beautiful, yet she let me perform all the sexual acts with her. She said Michelle had "deported exorcism", which meant Michelle was demon-possessed.
I suddenly moaned, "Ewwwwww...." as if making fun of what the woman was saying.
I was now lying on the floor, while the women were standing. I moved my head over so I could look up one woman's dress, but it was so dark underneath that I couldn't see anything.
One woman suddenly began moving strangely, as if she were possessed.
Abruptly I seemed to simply wake up. I was lying on the couch and I didn't know where I was. I realized everything which had just happened must have been a dream. I was spooked by the way I was simply there without knowing where. I also didn't know where Michelle was. I thought she was on the other side of the room, but I wasn't sure what had happened to her. It all seemed so strange.
My major compunction about paying Michelle for sex was not moral, but financial.
Dream of:22 October 2010 "Unappealing Proposition"
I was walking around Columbus with my old friend Randy Ramey (who died in 2008). After we finally sat down in a bar and started talking, I gradually realized he was trying to arrange for us to find a prostitute. I told him I didn't do that, although I did mention that I spent a lot of money to have sex, even though I only did it with one person. I was thinking about Michelle. He seemed to think it was rather amusing when I told him I had almost gone bankrupt doing that.
I wasn't inclined to pay a prostitute for just one night. I thought about it, but the idea wasn't appealing to me.
A woman walked up and began talking over Ramey's shoulder.
Hypocritical tendencies become evident to one engaged in self-examination.
Dream of:29 October 2010 "Scummy Whore"
Michelle and I had gone to a small house in the country where we planned to spend the weekend. I had taken three little white 30 milligram Oxycontin pills with me. When I looked for them, however, I couldn't find them. I noticed that Michelle looked a bit loopy and discovered that she had taken the pills. Apparently she had picked them up after I had laid them down. I became quite angry. Disgusted with her, I told her she was "nothing but a scummy whore." The only thing she wanted to do was take pills.
She had also brought three little light-blue pills of which she still had a couple which she showed to me. A chip was missing from each pill so only about three fourths of each remained. After I told her to give me one, I took one from her and was just about to take it, when I remembered that I still had three more white pills in my pocket that Michelle didn't know about. I wanted to get the pills out of my pocket, because I knew if Michelle found out that I had them, she would likewise take those from me. I quickly slipped them out of my pocket and put them up on the refrigerator without her seeing. I thought I would retrieve the pills later.
I was still under the impression that if I could help free Michelle from the noose of pharmaceuticals, I would feel good about myself.
Dream of:31 October 2010 "Set Free"
While Michelle and I were in a park in Columbus, Ohio, I noticed some movement in a swampy area of the park. I walked over to investigate and thought I saw an animal. Looking closer, I realized the animal was a duck, a mallard, lying on dry ground. I walked right up to it. It looked as if it had been injured, as if it were unable to move, and as if its wing had been broken. I reached down, picked up the duck, and held it in my arms. The duck had a sack over part of its head. I pulled off the sack, then pulled off a rope tied around the duck's mouth.
As soon as I had pulled off the sack and the rope, the duck appeared to recuperate completely and was once again able to move. I let go and it started to take off, but I grabbed it again. I hesitated, then decided to set it free. I released the duck and it took off flying.
I felt good because I thought I had saved the duck.
I returned to Michelle and we continued walking around the park. I told her we might be able to find my old friend Randy Ramey because I thought Randy lived in Columbus. I thought we might be able to obtain some marijuana from Randy. But then I remembered that Randy was dead.
Michelle and I finally reached a large building where people were standing in line. Apparently a complex of pharmacies operated inside the building. It looked as if the same line was used for all the different pharmacies, although I didn't know how a person reached a particular pharmacy. Since Michelle apparently needed to go to one of the pharmacies, she and I stepped into line, and I stood there with her.
I felt good about being in Columbus. The place seemed interesting.
My efforts to protect Michelle from injury were largely ineffectual.
Dream of:02 November 2010 "The Vendetta"
Michelle and I were standing in a little booth with a curtain for a door. We were in a grocery store, getting ready to check out. I was watching the check-out line while Michelle was looking at something else. Abruptly I noticed two black fellows step up to the check-out counter. One was short (only about five foot tall) while the other was a big muscular fellow. They looked in our direction and as soon as they saw Michelle, they started walking back toward us. I recalled that a couple black fellows were supposed to have a vendetta against Michelle, and I thought these two might be the ones. I quickly told Michelle that someone was coming.
Suddenly the curtain was pulled back. The short fellow grabbed Michelle by the arm and pulled her out of the booth. At first I didn't think there was anything to worry about because I didn't think the fellow was going to bother her, but after a moment, I began to think there might be a problem. When I finally stepped out of the booth, I could no longer see Michelle and the short fellow. I walked around until I saw the fellow in the magazine section; but I couldn't see Michelle. I walked closer until I was able to see her lying on the floor, with one arm propping her up. Obviously the short fellow had hit her and clearly she was injured. I bristled and blurted, "You bastard!"
I was ready to attack the fellow. When he saw me, he started running and headed toward the front door. I hollered, "Get that guy!"
Nobody did anything, however, and the fellow escaped. I headed back toward Michelle.
The most enticing containers sometimes contain the most dangerous contents.
Dream of:05 December 2010 "Cherry Pie"
I was in an old apartment (with several rooms) where Michelle (who was about 25 years old, and looked like my ex-wife Carolina) was living. Suddenly the police barged in. In a whirlwind they arrested Michelle for possession of drugs and hauled her away. I knew that she had been selling drugs out of the apartment and that people had been coming there to buy them. A tall plain-clothes police officer (about 40 years old) started talking to me. I had noticed that he had spoken some Spanish when he had arrested Michelle, so when he asked me my name, I answered him in Spanish, "Me llamo Esteban."
I had debated whether to say "Steven" or "Esteban", then opted for "Esteban" since that was my name in Spanish. The officer and I continued talking for a bit in Spanish and he told me he was debating whether he was going to arrest me. I was trying to think of the reasons why he shouldn't arrest me. I thought of telling him that I was an attorney and that being arrested would cause me a lot of problems. Therefore I would be compelled to vigorously gainsay the charge.
I also thought of telling him that there were no "affirmative links" between me and any drugs in the apartment. Indeed, I didn't know anything about the drugs. I thought when I used the words "affirmative links", he would understand that I knew about that legal concept because I was an attorney.
When I suddenly heard another voice, I looked but didn't see anyone. When I turned back around, the policeman who had been questioning me, as well as all the other policemen, had disappeared. The only person left was a black man (about 50 years old, dressed in a red shirt) who was sitting in a chair. He had said something to someone who had come to the door. Apparently the person at the door had been looking for drugs, and the black man had told him where he could go to find drugs. I then realized that the black man was there because he was trying to get Michelle's drug business, and that he was now directing people who came to Michelle's apartment to go to another address.
As I glanced around, I realized the police apparently hadn't even searched the place. Hardly anything had been touched. I wondered if they had found Michelle's pills and I wondered where the pills were hidden. I seemed to recall her having said that the drugs were hidden in some kind of pie box. It seemed as if she had specifically mentioned something about a cherry pie. I started looking around the room for a cherry pie box, but I didn't see one.
My brother Chris was born in 1957 and died of muscular dystrophy at the age of 16 in 1974, when I was 19 years old. Thus most of my youth was spent living with him. Watching his body deteriorate had been an emotionally draining experience.
Dream of:19 December 2010 "Exposed"
My father, my crippled brother Chris and I were in a house where we were living together. When my father got ready to leave, I picked up Chris and carried him out front. As I stood with Chris in front of the building, my father departed, but I thought he would be coming back.
After I sat down with Chris in front of the building, I realized we had actually been inside a school, not a house. A woman (around 20 years old) walked up and started to enter a door of the school. A man walked up behind her. As I watched the woman, I noticed that the green pants which she was wearing were pulled down so far behind that half her butt was visible. It didn't even look as if she were wearing panties.
The man who was behind her stopped her. Apparently he was a teacher or an official there at the school. He told her to pull up her pants and he even started helping her pull them up. It looked to me as if he were actually getting a little too close. After they walked inside, I also stood up and entered the school.
As I was walking inside, I thought to myself that I could now tell Michelle that I had seen a woman who had worn her pants even lower than Michelle's. I knew Michelle often wore her pants so low that the top of her butt was sometimes exposed.
As Michelle continued to view life as a big fun game, I tended to ponder more somber issues, such as her impending death.
Dream of:28 December 2010 "Writing A Will"
Michelle was competing against four or five other girls on a game show in which Michelle had to show how she was dealing with her life. In conjunction therewith, she had to write a will. I was helping her compose the will which included three beneficiaries: her surrogate mother Carol, her real mother Kim, and her grandmother. The name of each person was written in a different color in the will. On a specified line Michelle wrote the names and the amount of money which would be left to each person. Carol's name and her grandmother's name were written first. Her grandmother (whose color in the will was yellow) was going to receive most of the money.
We were using an office which belonged to an attorney. Other attorneys, who apparently were helping the other contestants write their wills, were also present. We all had to complete the wills within a certain amount of time. One of the other attorneys reminded me of one of my old law school classmates, James Moon. I was a little peeved at Moon because he was using some of the books in the office to help him write a will, while the other attorneys weren't. I wondered if he would be penalized for using the books.
I wasn't using a book. I was simply writing out Michelle's will from scratch. I told someone that I knew how to write most of the will, but that I wasn't going to remember every little detail which was normally included in a will. I said the will would nevertheless be a good one. I said that the will would be effective if Michelle merely said that she was leaving everything to one person. Michelle, however, was dividing her estate among several different people and not simply leaving everything to one person, so I had to be sure I wrote the will correctly.
For all the problems which Michelle caused me, I did not have the heart to simply abandon her.
Dream of:05 January 2011 "The Wreck"
Michelle and I were riding through the country in a big fancy car which my father had loaned me. As I was pulling over to the right side of the road and was rolling to a stop, I suddenly ran into a tree. Although I had pulled over on the right, I had hit the tree (which was right next to the road) with my left fender. Although I had barely hit the tree, I knew some damage had been done to the car. I jumped out and examined the fender. The only damage I saw was a little piece of metal which had broken off the left light. I thought I should be able to repair the damage without much trouble.
I reflected that I had already damaged the side of the car in a previous small accident. I knew my father was gong to be quite upset.
I was angry because I thought Michelle had caused the accident, and finally I even became convinced that Michelle had been driving. I became infuriated that she would have run into the tree.
Michelle also climbed out of the car. She was carrying a little baby which she had recently had.
I climbed back into the driver's seat only to discover a big fat fellow who had climbed into the front passenger seat. When I told him to get out, he said no. He said that Michelle had told him that he could get into the car. Apparently he wanted a ride.
I stepped back out of the car and asked Michelle if she had told the fellow he could get into the car. She said no. By now she was also angry and she said she wasn't getting back into the car. She said I would just have to leave her there.
When I climbed back into the car, the fellow got out. I felt like pulling off and leaving Michelle there, but I knew I couldn't abide leaving her out there in the country like that. I could see an intersection up ahead of us and it looked as if a little country store were there. I thought about pulling over up there. Instead I just sat there because I didn't want to leave Michelle with a baby out in the middle of nowhere. Nevertheless, I was still very upset.
Although Michelle brought her problems onto herself, I still felt an abiding responsibility for her troubles.
Dream of:15 January 2011 "Righting A Wrong"
Michelle and I were sitting at a table in an establishment which seemed something like a restaurant. Four people were sitting at another table next to ours. When a fellow walked up and began talking to Michelle, it turned out that Michelle had done something wrong to someone, and that this fellow had an expedient solution whereby Michelle could make amends for what she had done. The fellow stepped back from the table and said the solution was for Michelle to pull up her top and show her breasts to the four people at the other table. Michelle immediately pulled up her top and let her breasts be shown. Suddenly a bright light flashed and I realized the fellow had taken a picture. Michelle quickly pulled down her top.
The fellow took off running. Since the picture had not been an agreed part of Michelle's expiation, I jumped up and chased after the fellow through the building, but I couldn't catch him. I had the feeling that we were in a government institution and that the fellow belonged to this institution. Since I felt the fellow had committed some kind of wrong, I thought he would either have to give back the picture or go to court and be held accountable. I finally stopped and told someone what I thought, but the person disagreed with me. The person and I walked into the person's office and I explained the situation to a second person, who also disagreed. When I finally figured out that the office of the main person in the establishment was in another office in the rear of this office, I walked into the rear office and asked, "Where's the boss?"
An attractive woman (probably in her mid 30s) in the rear office said that she was the boss. When I told her what had happened, she seemed to be in agreement with me, that something wrong had occurred. When we finally reached the subject of how much this was going to cost, I blurted out, "Ten thousand dollars."
She seemed shocked that I would want that much money. Nevertheless, she continued talking with me about the matter. I didn't know if I would get that much money, but I felt as if I were responsible for protecting Michelle, so I was going to do the best I could.
As the woman and I continued talking, she was going through some papers and she mentioned the name "Ronnie Stevens" (a dissolute former schoolmate from junior high). I wasn't sure, but it sounded as if Ronnie Stevens was involved either directly or indirectly in the matter. She had a list of his offenses. I knew he had a long criminal record.
I continued talking with her and it seemed as if we might be able to come to some kind of terms.
Michelle's continued use of drugs had become a weight which was dragging me down.
Dream of:15 January 2011 "Difficult Flying"
While dressed in a jacket and blue jeans in the living room of the Gallia County Farmhouse, I heard a noise and I looked out the window. Four vehicles were headed into the field in front of the House. Soon, more trucks and trailers showed up, practically a whole caravan. I seemed to recall that my father had been intending to send some vehicles up to the Farm, but I hadn't been aware that the vehicles were coming today. I wasn't sure, but I thought my father had probably bought the vehicles cheap and that he intended to sell them. I thought that somehow he was paying people in drugs to bring the vehicles there.
Soon the vehicles were all over the place. One little brown and white car was parked right outside the window. It looked like a station wagon but was only about half the size of a normal car. I thought the car was pretty.
People finally started coming in the House. Perhaps 15 people walked into the House and sat down. My nephew Steven (in his mid 20s) was among them. I spoke to Steven and mentioned that my sister (his mother) was involved with all these people coming. I thought it figured that my father had enlisted my sister's help in his scheme. Obviously she must be making money from it. I thought I ought to also figure out some way of making money there on the Farm.
I told Steven that I liked the little brown station wagon which was sitting outside. I then asked him if he had seen Birdie (my old black-haired girlfriend from my late teens). I asked because I had heard that either Birdie or her husband might be involved in transporting the vehicles to the Farm. Steven seemed to know something about Birdie, but he hadn't seen her. That was a little puzzling.
After I sat down on the floor, a boy (15-16 years old) walked up to me and asked me if I had "a fifteen" and if I would put it on the table for him. I knew that he was talking about drugs and that he wanted to know if I had a fifteen milligram tablet of Oxycontin. I didn't. I thought the boy must have thought I had drugs because my father was paying the people in drugs to come there.
The boy said he had seen me going to get some drugs one time. I recalled one time that Michelle and I had gone out in the country to visit Michelle's black friend Annie (whose name I thought was Angie) and I asked him if he was referring to Angie, but he said no. He seemed a bit peeved, as if I had suggested that he had been with a black girl. I kept looking at him, thinking he might have been Annie's boyfriend or simply a friend of a friend of Annie's. I just let it drop.
My father finally walked in wearing a brown night robe. He seemed as if he had just gotten out of bed and he looked a little disconcerted. I thought people would realize that I was his son and that I had some place of importance there.
I stood up and walked around the House. I looked outside and couldn't believe the number of people who were out there. I walked outside. Now I was wearing something white which resembled a white karate outfit. I was surprised to see perhaps 100 people down around the little creek at the bottom of the hill behind the Farmhouse. They all seemed to be young, under 20 years old. I walked down to the little creek and began walking in it. The water was shallow, only a few centimeters deep. I told some of the people standing around me that we could walk on the water. I thought I had the skill to walk on the water if I walked fast enough. I started to walk on the water, but then I thought it would be better to simply float above the water. In a standing position, I rose into the air and began floating over the water. I thought people would notice what I was doing, but no one seemed to place much importance on it. The farther I traveled down the creek, however, the more people seemed to notice what I was doing. I rose higher and higher until I was about 20 meters above the ground. Flying was strenuous. I had to concentrate on maintaining my height, but I was able to do so.
At the end of the creek, I reached a steep cliff with a reservoir of water down below. I descended closer to the ground and just as I reached the edge of the cliff, two children grabbed me, one on each leg. I could feel their weight as I flew out over the water of the reservoir. All the while I was pushing down with my arms, trying to maintain my altitude. I said something about the children being too heavy. I turned around and started flying back toward the land. I didn't think I was going to make it, but I did. Once I was again over the land, one child let go, then the other let go.
I started flying back toward the Farmhouse as the people watched me. Flying was difficult. When I was about half way to the Farmhouse, someone bounced a basketball off the ground and it flew up above my head. I thought I might be able to catch it, but I wasn't able to look up. I just kept flying. Some people seemed to be taking notice of my flight.
The possibility that Michelle would become a professional prostitute tormented me.
Dream of:18 January 2011 "Different Prices"
I was sitting at a table with a person sitting on my left and a black-haired woman (in her early 20s) sitting straight across from me. The woman was attractive but not beautiful. I had come to learn that the woman was a prostitute. I had never talked with her about it, but I thought she would be interested in having me as a client. I, however, wasn't interested in her.
When the person on my left stood and left, I looked at the woman across from me and I asked, "Cuanto cobras?"
I knew that she spoke Spanish and I wanted to speak to her in Spanish because other people were around. She understood what I had said and she started talking, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. I couldn't even understand whether she was speaking English or Spanish. Her words seemed convoluted. I continued talking to her in Spanish, trying to determine how much she would charge to have sex with me. I finally figured out that she was telling me that she had different prices, depending on what she did. She said something about "tying" and I thought she might be talking about tying a string around the penis so the erection would last longer. I finally got a price of $90 out of her. I thought $90 would cover anything which I wanted. It sounded expensive. I definitely wasn't interested, but I did think she was pretty and I wondered what having sex with her would be like.
I mentioned Michelle to her. She knew Michelle and she knew that Michelle and I were somewhat together. But she didn't tell me what she thought about Michelle and me being together.
I had difficulty understanding how she could go to bed with strange men for money. For some reason, I thought she might want to bring one of her clients to my house to have sex. I thought I could let her use one of my rooms.
Michelle's father was a crack addict who spent his time in and out of jail for crimes such as burglary and theft. He abandoned her as a child, but remained lurking in the shadows.
Dream of:21 January 2011 "Reprobate"
I was in a car being driven by Michelle's father, Will (probably in his mid 30s). The rusty and skeletal car was such a piece of junk I could hardly believe it was even running. We had ridden out into the country and picked up a little puppy. After we were back in the car, Will asked me if I would give him some money so he could buy two milligrams of something. I knew he was talking about getting some drugs and I didn't want to give him any money for that. His tawdry begging for money reminded me of the way that Michelle sometimes begged me to give her money.
Now we were headed back home on an old road on the outskirts of a city and I was looking for Route 93. I caught a glimpse of a sign as we passed it and I thought it had said "93", but when Will turned around and went back to the sign, it actually said "98."
Will finally started driving down a little road called "Route 8", even though I didn't think it was the right road. He continued on until he finally reached a dead end in an area polluted with old junk cars and little shacks. It was so ugly, it was hard to believe a place like that even existed. As he pulled farther into the dead end, I slowly realized we were somewhere in Texas. He finally stopped and started backing up. When he started going forward again, the car started tipping - it looked as if he had pulled up over a cliff and I thought I and the little puppy were going to die. Will quickly shifted the car into reverse. I couldn't believe it when he was actually able to back up away from the cliff. He backed up, turned around, and headed out of the area.
He drove up another little road abounding with little shacks. I pointed out that the shacks even had outhouses. I saw five outhouse right next to each other. Some of the houses had nothing but sheet metal for walls.
At first I didn't see anyone, but finally I spotted three women. It was cold outside and they were all bundled up so I couldn't see their faces, although I noticed that they were all over two meters tall. I told Will that the women would think we were driving a "gem" since even our junk car was so much better than the wrecks around us.
Will finally reached a decent road and we sped along. I reflected that at least Will and I were getting along. Slowly I realized that Will was actually my real father and that he had given me up for adoption when I had been a child. I had never felt close to him and I didn't want to feel close to him. I just wanted to get along with him until we extricated ourselves from this situation.
I thought about what a disaster my life would have been if Will would have raised me. He was an ill-natured reprobate. I just wanted to get away from him as soon as I could.
Whatever compunction I might have felt regarding my relationship with Michelle, I intended to broadcast her story from the banks of the Ohio River.
Dream of:11 February 2011 "Hiraz Cox"
While I was walking around the historic Bonneyfiddle area of Portsmouth, in the background I could hear a radio playing a program which sounded like something from National Public Radio. A story was being narrated about an older man who used to live in Portsmouth. A young girl had gone missing several times and people thought the girl had gone to the man's house. It wasn't clear, but it sounded as if the girl might have been homeless. Then the narrator gave the girl's full name - it was Michelle. Stunned, I listened more attentively to the foreboding program. Apparently the disappearance had occurred when Michelle had been very young. When she disappeared the third time, no one had been able to find her. The authorities thought that she had disappeared into the man's house.
The program stopped and I continued walking along the banks of the Ohio River. I saw where a large section of land had been cleared of shrubs all the way down to the raw dirt. I slowly realized that the man who had been mentioned on the radio had once owned this particular tract of land. He was a rich man and he had sold the land so it could be developed.
When I walked all the way to the edge of the water, I saw a man standing there, looking out over the river. We were on a high bank, about 10 meters above the river. Suddenly I realized this was the very man who had been mentioned on the radio. A thin gaunt man, he was around 50 years old. He was dressed in an old-fashioned suit which might have been from the early 1900s.
When I stepped up to him and asked him his name, he said his name was "Cox." I recognized the name as the same one which had been given on the radio and I told him I had heard his name on the radio that morning. He immediately became defensive. I asked him his first name and it sounded as if he said, "Herbert." He clearly acted as if he didn't want to talk anymore and he walked off.
I continued walking around by myself until Michelle (only about 15 years old) and my father showed up. I wanted to tell Michelle about what I had heard on the radio. I asked her if she knew someone named Cox. A bell seemed to go off in her head. I added, "Herbert."
She shook her head as if to say no. At the same time, she no longer looked like Michelle, but like a boy about 15 years old. She said the man's name had been "Hiraz Cox." I didn't clearly understood the name at first. I thought she might have said, "Hiram." I asked her to repeat the name, which she did, and I understood the name was "Hiraz", which seemed like a very strange name to me.
Obviously she did remember the man. Obviously, however, she didn't want to talk about it, so we continued walking along. And obviously (as I had suspected for a long time) this was all confirmation that there was much more to Michelle's history than I knew about.
It looked as if some kind of carnival was going to take place further down along the river bank. My father and Michelle walked ahead of me toward the carnival area.
I sensed the end was near, but like an old bull chasing after a young heifer, I still wanted more of the best sex I had ever had.
Dream of:28 February 2011 "Heartbroken"
Michelle (about 25 years old, more mature than normal) and I had been having an argument because she had started seeing a tall lanky fellow (also about 25 years old). I was talking with her in the upper rafters of a barn where she was living. The lanky fellow was also up in the rafters. I became angry and left in a huff.
When I returned to the barn, Michelle was in the bathroom with the other fellow. I could tell that they were taking a bath together and probably having sex. I was standing about three meters from the door when I saw someone's eye in the keyhole. The bathroom door opened and Michelle was standing there with a towel wrapped around her. Obviously the fellow was still in the bathtub. I walked over to the door and was almost ready to march into the bathroom, but I didn't. She shut the door and I could hear her telling the fellow that I had been standing right outside the door as if I were ready to come into the bathroom. I knew that wasn't true, even though for a moment I had thought about walking into the bathroom.
I waited a little while until they both walked out. She was still putting on her clothes. He was already dressed. I started ranting about how I wasn't going to be with her anymore if she was going to be having sex with this fellow. She didn't say anything. She simply continued dressing.
The fellow obviously didn't want any problems and he obviously was happy to hear me saying I wasn't going to see Michelle anymore. He held out his hand to shake. I didn't shake his hand and upon further reflection, I told them I couldn't agree to what I had just said, because Michelle was so tempting, I might still end up having sex with her.
Another fellow showed up with whom Michelle had also apparently been having sex. Finally, altogether, four fellows were on the scene. Two were about 25 years old and two were older, probably about 40 years old. I walked over to the side with the two younger fellows and told them that the bad part about it was that Michelle had been the best sex I had ever had. I asked them what they thought and they both emphatically agreed that she had also been the best sex they had ever had. I figured the two older fellows would say the same thing if I were to ask them.
I told the two younger fellows that the sex had become even better after I had started taking Viagra. Neither of them had ever taken Viagra, but they seemed interested to learn about it. I told them that Michelle and I used to have sex for an hour and fifteen minutes until she had to stop because she couldn't take it anymore. She had been so good at sex, I was heartbroken to think I might not have sex with her anymore.
I had a musical instrument in my hand. I stepped over to the side and started loudly singing a plaintive song to myself and looking at Michelle at the same time. Although Michelle could hear me, she was already set on another course. The four other men who were standing around her were helping to take care of her. I had always known that she didn't really need me, that she could always find someone else to take care of her. Clearly I was finally going to lose her.
She walked out of the barn and I was left alone.
Some cows walked into the barn. I had to climb back up into the rafters to avoid being trampled. One black cow with horns almost hit me. Although I was afraid they were even going to climb up into the rafters, I managed to get away from them.
My love gradually shifted more from Michelle to the book which I was writing about Michelle.
Dream of:02 March 2011 "Kings"
I was talking on the phone with a fellow about trying to publish one of my books. I told him I had already written three books and I told him what they were about. I said that the first book was about Michelle, that I had then written two more books and that I was now working on the fourth book. I wanted to publish the fourth book, which was going to be about kings. I was assembling the many dreams which I had had about kings into a book. At present I was gathering together germane dreams of plays by William Shakespeare in which kings had appeared. I told the fellow I had had dreams about Richard III and Richard IV. I was particularly interested in Richard IV. I asked the fellow if he knew who those kings were. I was surprised when he said he did. Obviously he must be well-read.
I was happy that my books had finally reached the point where I felt they were decent enough to be published.
Sensing that my long ride with Michelle was coming to an end was painful. Writing my dreams about her, however, eased the agonizing thought of abandoning her.
Dream of:12 March 2011 "Lost For Good"
Michelle was sitting in the front passenger seat of a car which I was driving through a forested area far from home. We were part of a small convoy of three vehicles. When I saw a clearing off to my left, I pulled in and the other two vehicles followed me. The clearing was a campsite which harbored a place for a campfire in the middle. I stopped the car and climbed out. Since Michelle and I had been having problems, I decided to leave her there. I boarded one of the other two vehicles and the rest of us embarked, abandoning Michelle and the car in the clearing.
I soon felt uncomfortable and I decided I would rather be in the second vehicle. We stopped again and I switched to the second vehicle, which was a van containing a family of five. The father was driving and the mother was sitting in the front passenger seat.
We didn't travel far before the father decided to stop at a diner along the side of the road. After we halted, I realized we had lost the other vehicle, and I was uncertain how we could contact it. After we walked into the diner and sat down at a table, the father slipped away; I was uncertain where he had gone.
Suddenly I felt acute pain about having abandoned Michelle and I thought about calling her on my cell phone, but I realized I had lost my phone. I didn't think Michelle had a cell phone anyway. I told the others at the table that I had lost three cell phones since I had been on this trip. I was uncertain what to do. I was becoming a little angry because the little family at the table seemed completely unconcerned about Michelle or about the people in the other vehicle.
I was sure, however, that I didn't want to continue on and simply leave Michelle back there in the clearing in the forest. I was worried that she might have already driven off. Then I would have no possible way of contacting her. I fretted that I might have lost her for good.
As I worked on my book, I was fretted about what people would think if they read about my debaucheries with Michelle.
Dream of:31 March 2011 "For All The World To See"
Michelle and I were in a ranch style house which belonged to a friend of Michelle's. I didn't know the fellow, but I envisioned him as a tall black-haired middle-eastern type (probably about 30 years old). The fellow had left town for a while and had given Michelle possession of the house until he returned. Michelle had then given me control of the house, even though she was still staying there.
I walked into the small kitchen and was surprised to find two tall thin fellows (probably in their mid 20s). I immediately figured they were friends of Michelle's and I told them they had to leave. They didn't pay much attention to me, so I walked back to the living room to find Michelle so she could tell them to leave. On the way, I also saw a couple children in the hallway and out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman.
When I found Michelle and told her I wanted the people to leave, she seemed unresponsive. Obviously she was in no hurry to kick out anyone. I protested that I was supposed to be in charge, but she remained unmoved. I realized I was on thin ice. If I raised too much fuss, Michelle might simply revoke the authority which she had given me to be in control of the house. After all, the real owner had left Michelle in charge of the house, not me.
Seeing little I could do, I thought it might be best to simply go along with the people being there and I even began having a fantasy of what would happen if more people showed up. The fantasy became so strong, it seemed as if it were actually happening. I imagined perhaps 15 people sitting around the living room. Many were attractive women and I wondered what if would be like if some were naked. I even imagined Michelle walking into the living room without a top, displaying her perky breasts for all the world to see.
I sat down on a couch and Michelle sat beside me on my right. I couldn't tell for sure, but it looked as if a couple women sitting across from me might be naked. I definitely was naked from the waist down. I wondered what the others would think if I pulled Michelle's head down to my penis and if she plopped my penis into her mouth right there in front of everyone.
As Michelle's story took book form, I felt increasingly pressed to solve the mystery of our relationship.
Dream of:19 April 2011 "Murder Mystery"
I was with Michelle. Although her movements and actions were typical for Michelle, she had black hair and looked more like a svelte version of Carolina (probably in her mid 20s). We were playing a little detective game which I had just bought. The game was in a slender hardback book and simply involved a description of four suspects from a real-life murder case which had been solved long ago. A picture of each suspect was also provided. After we read each description, we were supposed to chose the suspect which we concluded had committed the murder. Both Michelle and I astutely chose the correct suspect and we proceeded to the second game. Altogether, the book contained 10 different murder mysteries.
The second game seemed more complicated. At first I thought only four suspects were involved, but then it appeared that there were actually 10 suspects. As the game started, after perusing the pictures of the suspects, we were able to see a little film clip which seemed to be set in the 1940s during World War II. American soldiers had arrived on the grounds of a magnificent mansion whose gardens were filled with elaborate metal statues of soldiers. As we watched the clip, it seemed as if we were actually sitting in the yard of the mansion, and as the soldiers circulated around us, I specifically noticed Ronald Reagan (around 40 years old), attired in a military uniform, among them.
During the film clip, someone mentioned the name "Pervert", which was the name of someone apparently involved in the murder case. I had never heard of anyone named "Pervert" and I wondered if the English word "pervert" had originated from someone's name.
The second game also contained 10 little baubles which apparently were pieces of evidence. One looked like a little medallion with the cameo-like image of a king emblazoned on the front. It was so charming, I even thought I could wear it on a necklace. Since it was made of tawdry plastic, however, I knew people would think it ludicrous to be wearing the necklace.
The other pieces of evidence were also intriguing and I reflected how educational the game was. It seemed that a trenchant knowledge of history was going to be required to solve this one. I thought I might have enjoyed playing the game with my father, but since I would know the answer after Michelle and I finished, I knew I wouldn't be able to play it with him.
As I held the game book in my hand, I unintentionally glanced at the following page and saw the word "Daws." Since Daws was the name of one of the 10 suspects, I wondered if he was the actual culprit. I didn't say anything to Michelle because I didn't want to ruin the game. I thought I would be able to remain objective and base my final decision on the evidence, and not on the name I had seen.
In my hand I was holding something which had nothing to do with the game. It was something like a necklace which consisted of little rice-size colored pieces which had been strung together. Michelle (who was now standing) strode up to me and abrasively demanded to know what I was holding and where I had obtained it. I told her I had bought it at the same place I had bought the game book. When she wanted to know why I had bought the thing, I told her I had only paid 10 cents for it. She didn't seem satisfied with my answer, but she didn't say anything else about it.
Michelle was obviously becoming impatient because she thought I was taking too long. She began nervously pacing back and forth. She was wearing a long black dress which fell almost all the way to her ankles and looked like something which might have been worn in the 1940s. Actually, the whole atmosphere of where we were seemed like someplace in the 1940s and for some reason, Eleanor Roosevelt passed through my mind.
I told Michelle to calm down, that we were in no hurry. We didn't even have to finish the game today. We could play one game a week if we wanted to. She seemed somewhat becalmed, although she was still in a hurry to finish the game.
It sometimes seemed as if my penis had become my enemy and should be hacked off, like an offending eye.
Dream of:21 April 2011 "Missing Penis"
My high school friend, Mike Walls (probably in his mid 20s), showed up and told me he had a bunch of 80 milligram Oxycontin pills which he was going to sell. When I asked him how much he wanted for them, he said he would sell them for $50 apiece. Since I knew the pills could easily be resold for $80 apiece, I was immediately interested. When I asked to see the pills, he dumped them out in front of me. There must have been at least 100 pills. Although some clearly were the pale-green 80 milligram Oxycontin pills, some appeared to be white 40 milligram pills. I figured Walls would charge half as much for those.
I was definitely interested in buying the pills. If nothing else I could sell them to Michelle. I wouldn't have to be in any hurry and I could simply sell the pills to her gradually over a period of time. I wasn't sure where I would keep the pills. I didn't want to keep them in my house because I didn't think I would be able to dispose of them if the police raided me, but I figured I could find a feasibly safe place to store them.
I had several wads of money on me. One wad was in my pants pocket and two wads were in my sock. Yet I was going to need to fetch more money to complete the deal.
I climbed into the front seat of a car so I could go and get some more money. Once I was in the car, I looked around and saw two black fellows (also probably in their mid 20s) sitting in the back seat. They asked me if I would like to smoke a joint with them, whereupon I said no. I told them I became too paranoid when I smoked pot.
Walls was no longer with me and the whole deal had changed. Now, instead of buying Oxycontin, I planned to buy some pounds of marijuana from these two black fellows. However, it turned out that they didn't have the marijuana with them and I was beginning to suspect that they might be trying to rob me. Worried about the wads of money which I was carrying, I tired to think of what I could do. Since we were near the home where my old friend Steve Buckner lived when we attended high school together in Portsmouth, I directed the car Buckner's home. I thought that I could trust Buckner and that I could give my money to him so he could hold it for me. We pulled up in front of Buckner's house and I stepped out of the car. The two black fellows followed me as I walked to the front door.
The door opened and I looked into the front room where a number of people were occupied with some kind of wood-working project. Buckner (who looked like a black-haired gay friend of Michelle's named Billy) walked toward me from the other side of the room. Only about 20 years old, he was completely naked. He had been working and was covered with something black. I was surprised to see that he had no penis. I could clearly see a slit like a woman's between his legs. When I realized his penis had been cut off, I thought he must have trouble having sex with a woman without a penis.
I quickly told Buckner my problem and I asked him if he could hold my money for me. He seemed unsure he wanted to, but he finally acquiesced. I knew exactly how much I had in the wad in my pants pocket, but I was unsure how much I had in my sock. I thought I would have to count that money first so there would be no question later about how much I had given to Buckner.
I was surprised at the amount of activity in the house. Several other black fellows were circulating through the rooms and I slowly realized that Buckner was allowing people to hang out there. I also noticed a girl (in her mid 20s) whom I identified as Buckner's sister Jeannie.
After I finally realized that the other black fellows in the house were involved with drugs, I thought perhaps I could buy my marijuana from them. I asked Buckner about it, and he said that I could. When I asked him how much a pound of marijuana would cost, he said $700. I told him I wanted to buy four pounds. I thought we could conduct the transaction right there in Buckner's house.
Suddenly Jeannie ran across the room and said her father was coming home. I knew Buckner's mother had died, but apparently his father still lived in the house. General commotion ensued as people prepared for the arrival of Buckner's father.
Michelle's stunning beauty had begun to fade.
Dream of:21 April 2011 "Stunning Transformation"
Michelle was standing in the middle of a large bed. Although she was completely naked, she had lost her sex appeal. She had gained unflattering weight and her back was bent over like an elderly woman. Although she was still only in her mid 20s, her body seemed stiff, her joints frozen. Her former beauty had transformed into decrepitude and her ebullient charisma had evanesced. Although the transformation was stunning, I imbibed the change with equanimity.
Although Michelle and I were not destined to settle down together, I felt as if my dreams had captured something of her essence which would abide with me forever.
Dream of:25 April 2011 "Settling Down"
As Michelle and I stood in the living room of the Gallia County Farmhouse, I gazed out the large picture-windows toward Symmes Creek at the bottom of the hill and toward the national forest area on the other side of the creek. I had been on the Farm all day and I only now realized that I hadn't seen any traffic headed to the forest today. That was odd because I knew a new resort area had been built back in the woods on the other side of Symmes Creek. I couldn't figure out why no one was going to the resort today.
I suddenly realized how happy I was on the Farm and I finally felt ready to make the decision to settle down there. I had been vacillating for quite some time between moving to the Farm or moving to Europe, probably Italy. I now clearly saw that I should choose the Farm. That didn't mean I couldn't travel to Europe and spend time there; but I wanted to live on the Farm.
I felt happy on the Farm. Michelle made me feel happy and I loved having her on the Farm with me. I still had many years to live and maybe Michelle would spend some of that time with me on the Farm. If not, I would probably still meet many people in my life whose company I could share on the Farm.
I might even try to become licensed to practice law in Ohio. I could start by getting to know some lawyers in nearby Gallipolis. I would need one of the lawyers to vouch for me if I applied for an Ohio law license.
I needed to talk to my father as soon as possible and let him know my decision. I couldn't move to the Farm without his permission, but I thought he would be willing to give it.
All dreams in this dream memoir are actual dreams and as such do not describe actual facts
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