Oedipus Complex
JOCASTA (mother and wife of Oedipus):
It’s best to live haphazardly,
as best one can.
Do not worry you will wed your mother.
It’s true that in their dreams
many men
have slept with their own mothers, but someone
who ignores all this bears life more easily.
-- Oedipus Rex by Sophocles circa 429 B.C.
What is known as the modern "Oedipus Complex" seems akin to the ancient Roman Furies. The Oedipus Complex is a source of torment similar to the source of torment of Oedipus. That I am in the throes of this complex is reflected in the many dreams in which I have had sexual contact with my mother, even though in real life, to the best of my knowledge, I have never had any sexual contact with my mother.
Oedipus had a mother. Her name was Jocasta and if she existed at all, she was probably born around 1250 B.C. somewhere near Thebes, Greece.
My mother, on the other hand, was born in Gallia County, Ohio, in 1931. She married my father in 1951 and I was born in 1952. Three more children were born in the ensuing years and in 1961 my father moved his family of six unto the Gallia County Farm, 388 acres nestled in Wayne National Forest in hilly southeastern Ohio. The following summer my seven year-old brother, Adolph, drowned in Symmes Creek (a tributary of the Ohio River) which flowed at the bottom of the hill in front of the Farmhouse . I was swimming with Adolph when he drowned. When I managed to reach the shore of the creek, I leaped up, dashed toward the Farmhouse as fast as I could, and when I reached the Farmhouse, I cried out to my mother that my brother was drowning. It was too late.
Dream of: 11 August 1973 "Enveloping Water"
With my father and my mother (in their early 30s), I was visiting my paternal grandmother Mabel and my paternal step-grandfather Clarence in the four-bedroom, two-story Gallia County Farmhouse on the hilly Gallia County Farm.
The green summertime trees and fields made me feel young.I walked out the rear door of the Farmhouse and headed down the hill behind the Farmhouse to the old milk house at the bottom of the hill. After I had reached the barn and looked over the stacked hay, my paternal step-grandfather Clarence pulled up on his tractor and announced that he needed to load seventeen bails of hay onto the platform-lift behind the tractor to take to his cattle.
I told him that I would help, but that I first had to urinate. After walking to the side of the barn, I urinated (much longer than usual) and I became so engrossed with the sensation that it seemed as if I were experiencing a protracted sexual orgasm.
Having finished, I returned to Clarence, helped him load the hay, and then climbed onto the tractor. Another man (whom I didn't recognize) stepped up, climbed onto the rear of the tractor with me and sat down. Once the man was seated, he opened his mouth and displayed hair growing inside. When I realized the tractor wasn't moving, I deduced that a hair in the man’s mouth had to be pulled to set the tractor in motion; so I reached into his mouth and jerked one of the hairs, whereupon the tractor immediately jolted and we were on our way.
While his four healthy dogs bounded along beside us (the two older dogs appeared younger and stronger than usual), Clarence steered the tractor around to Symmes Creek Road in front of the Farmhouse.
Clarence then pulled off the Road and into the field at the bottom of the hill in front of the Farmhouse, where muddy Symmes Creek flowed. After Clarence began driving along the edge of the creek, he ventured too close to the edge and the tractor began tumbling over the bank into the water. Only now (as I managed to slip unharmed off the side) did I notice my father and my step-uncle Ivan (Clarence's son) also on the tractor. They, along with Clarence, were drug into the enveloping creek. Fearing the worst, I sat down on the creek bank and waited for them to re-surface – my terror and fear prevented my jumping into the water to save them.Finally, I leaped up from the ground and dashed toward the Farmhouse. Running as fast as I could, I reached the Farmhouse, rushed inside and cried to my grandmother and my mother that the tractor had crashed into the creek, that my father, Ivan and Clarence had drowned and that I had been unable to save them because I hadn't known life-saving. My mother rushed from the Farmhouse (with me following) and headed toward the spot where the tragedy had occurred. As my mother and I approached the creek, we heard voices, and I began to harbor hopes that the men had survived.
When we reached the creek, however, we found seven strange men sitting on the bank to the left of where the creek had swallowed the tractor ... seven men brandishing rifles and shotguns. A rotting moose head lay on the ground near the men. When I plaintively asked the seven men why no one had rendered help with the tractor-accident, the seven just laughed, and when I repeated the question, they continued laughing.
In anger, I picked up some mud and slung it at one man – the mud struck him in the face. When the man in turn picked up his gun, my mother and I ran - and he chased us - back toward the Farmhouse. When I reached the Farmhouse, I raced inside, grabbed one of Clarence's guns, loaded it, and aimed the loaded gun at the man as he antagonistically climbed up the hill in front of the Farmhouse.
My grandmother - who seemed ancient and completely disconcerted by the events - stood in the room and watched the event.
Laius was the father of Oedipus. In the course of Laius' life, Laius had raped a young man who was the son of a king of a small Greek kingdom. Later, before the birth of Laius's son, Oedipus, Laius received an oracle from the priestess of Delphi that Laius' son would kill him. Oedipus' mother, Jocasta , then apparently agreed with her husband Laius to have her new-born son Oedipus killed.
My mother was twenty years old when she married my father in 1951 in the little white church in the tiny village of Patriot, Ohio, where she lived with her father, mother, and her polio-crippled brother, George. My mother and father settled down in Gallia County, where I was born, for several years, then moved to northern Ohio for six years, then back to Gallia County. Finally, in 1964, after the tragedy of my brother's drowning death, and after discovering that my second brother, Chris, was crippled with muscular dystrophy, they definitively settled down in the little town of Portsmouth, Ohio, about fifty miles downstream from Gallia County, on the Ohio River. In 1970, after eighteen years of marriage, while still in Portsmouth, my parents divorced .
Dream of:
21 June 1976 "Unclean Hands"On a lark, I had gone with two other fellows to a white church (which reminded me of the little white church in the village of Patriot, Ohio) where I expected the preacher and his sermon to be absurd. As the church began filling with people, I noticed a girl sitting behind me who reminded me of someone I had once known named Bev. Even though the girl's mother (who looked vaguely like
a woman named Carol, the first woman with whom I ever had sex) was with the girl, I thought I would like to be with the girl.After the preacher walked to the front and began preaching, I quickly became tired or disgusted with the sermon and I headed toward the door. As I walked out, I shouted some words back into the church, one of which was "Raserei", a German word meaning "nonsense".
After the sermon had finished, the other people in the church also walked out and I spoke with the girl. She told me that even though she was 18 years old, she couldn't go anywhere because her mother was so strict. I told her if she were 18 she had the right to do what she liked, but she didn't believe me. After talking to her a while, I felt as if I might like to go to bed with her, but I decided doing so would be foolhardy.
I was surprised to see Dr. Weinstein (the optometrist father of my good friend Steve Weinstein) outside. Dr. Weinstein and I spoke briefly.
I had ridden a motorcycle to church, but when I saw my father outside, I decided to leave the motorcycle there and to depart with my father in his car. On the ground lay about 30 centimeters of snow which my father began helping me pile onto the motorcycle to camouflage it. My father and I then boarded his car and rode through the streets of Portsmouth, Ohio until we arrived at a house. After my father parked the car, we both stepped out of the car and walked into the house.
I knew that my mother and two of my brothers were in another room somewhere in the house. A blonde-haired woman was also running around the house.My father and I began performing a rite. He told me to stand on his shoulders and say something like, "The holy meeting with my father will now begin."
I did so. He then dipped his head into a bowl of water (which he had in the closet) and shook his head. I in turn took the bowl and poured the water over my head.
When I then heard my mother moaning somewhere in the house, I asked my father to accompany me to find her. As he and I walked into the hallway, I discovered I had lost my voice. The blonde-haired woman stood in a doorway for a moment. I thumped my hand on the wall to get my father's attention. When he stopped, I formed the words "blonde woman" with my lips, but no words came out. My father advanced no further with me.
I walked on through the hall alone and passed the room where my two brothers were engaging in homosexual activity. One had his eyes turned back as if he were insane and yellow sperm splotched his butt.
I walked on into the room where my mother lay covered with blankets and moaning. When I saw that the blankets were soaked with blood, I thought she was having her period. After I walked over to her and asked her if she were bleeding, she virulently cried out, "Even if I weren't bleeding it wouldn't make any difference. Mother can't seem to keep her hands clean."
Sensing the dire meaning of her words I groped for her hands. In one I found a knife which, buried deep in her flesh, was ripping her insides out.
Supposedly, the prophesy concerning Oedipus was divinely inspired, and therefore, inevitable. It stands to reason that a man should not be held accountable for something which was inevitable and which he could not control.
Dream of:
10 February 1977 "Unwelcome Visitors"My mother, who looked young, was lying in bed with me in the New Boston House (a house which my father built in 1969 in New Boston, a village next door to Portsmouth). She reminded me of a picture I had seen of her taken when she had been about 18 years old. After we had sex and I had an orgasm, she left.
While I waited for her to return, other people began showing up, including Steve Buckner (my good friend from high school), a fellow named Jeff Morgan (a friend of Buckner's), and Mark Upton
(another friend). Two families which I didn't even know also walked in. Each family included a father, mother and some children. I was angry that so many people had come because now I wouldn't be able to be alone with my mother if she returned. I was also angry with Buckner for having brought Morgan with him. I screamed at everyone that they shouldn't be there. The two families were quite surprised by my words.The prophesy is a central weakness of the story of Oedipus because prophesies of this sort are ridiculous and simply do not happen. Although people may make predictions about the future, nobody, not even Apollo, knows the future for certain. To know the future for certain implies inevitability and inevitability means no free will or responsibility.
The question is raised whether my waking self is responsible for the actions of my dream-self.
During the short year and a half when my family lived on the hilly Gallia County Farm from 1961 to 1962, not only did my brother Adolph drown in Symmes Creek, but my brother Chris was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, a horrifying disease from which he eventually died at the age of 16 in 1974.
Dream of:
20 April 1978 "Cruel, Cruel World"I was in the kitchen at the
Gallia County Farmhouse. My brother Chris, with a sad look on his face, was sitting in his wheelchair next to the door. My mother and my sister were standing next to him.My father's step-sister, Lou, walked into the room and asked who the boy in the wheelchair was. When my mother told her that the boy was Chris, Lou said she had thought that Chris had already died a couple years earlier. My mother said he hadn't yet died, but he was expected to die in a couple years.
I became enraged when I heard the conversation in front of Chris where he could clearly hear it. I stormed into the kitchen and said it wasn't true, that Chris wouldn't die and that some people with muscular dystrophy lived long lives. I then wheeled Chris into the living room where I leaned my head next to him and held him in my arms. Both of us seemed to be saying, "Cruel, cruel world."
Chris then added that I couldn't possibly know what it was like to be in his position.
Knowledge is a requisite of guilt. If Oedipus had no knowledge that Jocasta was his mother when he had sex with her, he should not be accused of sin. Oedipus, however, was warned. Before he ever married, he was warned by the Oracle of Delphi, that he would marry his mother. He was warned but he did not heed the warning of Apollo.
Dream of:
15 May 1978 "Swarming Bees"I was with
my mother in a green kitchen. A window in the kitchen led to an elevated room which resembled an attic. Above the top of the window was a small hole surrounded by bees. My mother informed me that the bees had built a nest in the attic.I looked through the window and could see a large hive which looked more like a hornets' nest than a bee hive hanging from the ceiling of the attic. It hung somewhat at an angle and seemed to be swaying to and fro as the bees swarmed wildly around it.
So Oedipus married his mother and simply ignored the warning of Apollo.
After my family moved to Portsmouth in 1964, my father bought a huge Victorian house - the Gay Street House - into which my family moved in 1965. After my mother and father divorced in 1970, my father continued to live in the House, out of which he ran various businesses over the years. Around 1977 he married Kay, a woman eighteen years his junior, whom he divorced a year later in 1978.
Dream of:
22 September 1978 "Stuffed Bears"My mother and I were in the Gay Street House. Even though my father
had married Kay, my mother was still working for my father in the House. My mother showed me some new jackets she had bought for herself. She needed one for every day of the week because she had to meet the public every day.Kay had appropriated the downstairs kitchen and the living room next to the kitchen for herself. Several stuffed bears resembling ones which might be won at a fair were in the living room. As I looked at the stuffed bears, I imagined myself at the fair and I actually found myself with my mother at a game booth where people threw nickels into little circles in order to win stuffed animals. People could also throw other things, such as jewels, into the circles.
Marjean (a former high school schoolmate) and two other girls walked up. They all looked beautiful. I wanted to tell them I had just returned to the United States after traveling abroad.
Suddenly, however, I again found myself in the living room of the Gay Street House, looking at the stuffed animals. One red and white animal was quite large and looked like one I had once won at a fair.
My mother (who was also in the living room) had just received a note from Kay. The note said that my mother could use the living room. Although Kay had coveted the living room for a long time, she had finally decided to simply live upstairs and allow my mother to occupy the living room downstairs.
My mother told me my second cousin Don was working for my father selling between $200 and $250 worth of insulation a week (my father owned a factory which manufactured insulation) . I figured Don's commission for selling that much insulation that would only be around $37.50, which didn't sound like much.
Even if Oedipus did not know for sure that Jocasta was his mother, he had sufficient evidence to put him on notice. He had been warned that he would kill his father, and Oedipus did indeed kill a man, even if Oedipus did not know that the man was his father Laius. Although the killing of Laius might have been justified, Oedipus was under a duty to discover more about the identity of the woman (old enough to be his mother) whom he would subsequently marry. But Oedipus did not make inquiry.
In 1971, shortly after my parents divorce was finalized, my mother, my sister, my crippled brother Chris and I moved into the two-story Grandview Avenue House in Portsmouth and I struggled with my identity.
Dream of:
24 January 1979 "Imposter"Around 5 a.m., I was at the
Grandview Avenue House. The telephone rang and I answered it. It was for me; on the other end was a girl whose voice I seemed to recognize but still couldn't identify. At first I thought she was speaking Latin or some language derived from Latin, but then I realized she was speaking German. I had been expecting the call but now was surprised it had finally come. As I talked on the phone, I lay down on the floor in front of the television which was turned on.On the phone I could hear a stereo playing in the background. The girl didn't tell me her name and I didn't ask because I was embarrassed that I couldn't remember who she was. I asked her when we had last seen each other and she gave me an old date. I was unsure whether she had said nineteen weeks or a half year, but it surprised me because that meant that she was a completely different person than the person from whom I had been expecting to hear. I was still happy to be talking with her, whoever she was.
I noticed she had started speaking English, but I wanted to speak German because I knew my mother was in the House and I didn't want to wake her up. I also turned the television down so it wouldn't wake up my mother. When I stepped back to the phone from the television, I saw that my mother was now standing in the room. She looked older than usual. I wanted to know what she wanted and I said something to her. Then I heard a voice on the phone say, "Hello, Steven. This is your mother."
I stared at the figure standing in front of me – she appeared to be my mother, but I concluded she was an impostor. I screamed at her, "You've killed my mother!"
I thought of calling the police. I grabbed the woman by the throat as if I were going to strangle her and I dragged her through the back door outside where it was still dark. While still holding her by the neck, I picked up some stones and threw them at the windows of the neighbor's house to try to get the attention of someone inside. Finally I picked up a broom and broke out one of the window's of our House in order to make a loud noise. I wanted to wake up the neighbors so someone would call the police.
Since the time of Oedipus and before, the taboo against sex within a family has remained constant, considered by some to be as deplorable as murder. Yet many cultures (such as ancient Egypt) permitted sex with a family member. And of course there had to have been at least a brother-sister relationship, if not a mother-son relationship in the story of Adam and Eve. Through history there has been continual questioning of the legitimacy of the taboo.
Dream of:
15 July 1979 "Two Knives"I was with
my mother and my sister in the Gallia County Farmhouse. Nude and, sporting an erection, I walked around the house so they could both see me. I walked over to my mother (who was wearing a flimsy blue nightgown) and I began rubbing her between her legs with my hand. As my hand probed between her legs, I felt something hard and I realized she was wearing a Kotex. I thought that having intercourse with her would therefore be messy. She took my penis in her hand and began caressing it.Suddenly we heard a loud noise and darkness abruptly fell; I immediately knew someone else was in the house. A young man wearing a green army coat crossed quickly through one room. I advanced toward him and met him as he was entering our room from the hall. I held a long stick and he was carrying a knife. We began fighting and he knocked the stick from my hand. I tried to take the knife from him even though I was afraid he could seriously cut me. I screamed at my mother to call the police, but she was so nervous and distraught, she was paralyzed. I was finally able to wrest the knife from the man (who somehow reminded me of Eddie Swiver, a boy I had known when I had been about 10 years old), and I stabbed the knife into his side.
I had forgotten that I also had my own hunting knife on my belt until I noticed that the man was trying to take it from me; but I was quicker, and in an instant I had the hunting knife in my hand. I lifted it over him and brought it heavily down into him right where his heart was; he lay there with two knives stuck in him.
I began wondering whether I had acted legally. I decided I had and I went to phone the police. I heard a car outside and I knew others might be coming. I dialed the operator and hurriedly asked to be connected with the police station. Someone answered and said I had reached the sheriff's department. I gasped out that I had just killed someone who had broken into our house and that other men were outside threatening us. As I started to give our address on Symmes Creek, I heard a car door slam outside.
Even though Oedipus might not have known that he was having sex with his own mother, when he found out that he had done so, he took the rather extreme (and to me, incomprehensible) remedy of plucking out his own eyes. This act apparently purged him of his sin and in fact ennobled him.
Dream of:
26 October 1980 "Rear View Mirror"I boarded the back seat of a car where
my sister was sitting. My mother was driving up front. My sister was wearing a pair of shorts; I put my hand between her legs and began rubbing her.We seemed to be heading into Wheelersburg, Ohio about 15 kilometers from Portsmouth on State Route 139. When we passed a certain house, my mother said that a man named Snuffy McCane lived there and that he was the smartest man around.
Although I was worried my mother might be able to see my sister and me through the rear view mirror, I continued feeling my sister and I even unzipped her pants. I was afraid my mother might have heard the zipper, but apparently she hadn't. I stuck my hand inside my sister's pants and I began feeling around. I pulled her pants and panties on down. I thought about pulling my pants down and actually having intercourse with my sister right there. I put both my hands between her legs and separated them. Obviously she was becoming aroused.
Suddenly my mother stopped at a stop sign, turned her head around and leaned over to see what we were doing. I immediately leaned over top my sister to cover her so my mother couldn't see anything, but my mother put her hand over the seat and felt to see if my sister's pants were down. Obviously my mother had suspected what was going on. My mother discovered my sister's pants were down; I knew immediately my mother knew what I had been doing.
Even if Oedipus were guilty of sin, I cannot accept that his self-mutilation was an effective cure for his actions.
Dream of:
03 November 1980 "The Grandson"I was at the Grandview Avenue House; I was thinking of asking either Debi, Sussie, or Cindy (girls whom I had known when I had been in high school in Portsmouth) for a date. Since I didn't have a car, I thought I would ask my mother if I could borrow hers. I figured my mother already knew I was planning to ask her; I walked into the room where she was and hinted around that I wanted to use her car. She quickly informed me she wasn't going to let me use it. Finally I said, "Look, I'm going to ask you once, and one time only. Can I use your car tonight?"
"No," she replied.
Her response angered me. After I walked into the back bedroom and found my old high school friend, Steve Buckner, there, I decided I was going to take my mother to bed. I took off my clothes, walked back into the room where my mother was and brought her back into the bedroom. Although she was also nude, she still caused me difficulties because she didn't want to go to bed with me. I nevertheless managed to force her into the bed between myself and Buckner, who was likewise nude.
I climbed on top of her, put my face between her legs and had a tremendous climax. I seemed to ejaculate about ten times; part of the sperm even shot into my mouth. I began thinking that I hadn't had an orgasm for about a week. After I finally rolled down between her legs and off the bed, I stood up and I looked around for something to wipe off the sperm, which had caused a real mess.
Buckner was now going to try to have sex with my mother. He had a little boy with him who looked as if he were about a year old. Buckner took the little boy, stuck its head down into my mother's crotch and said, "This is your grandson. Your grandson is growing up."
I concluded that my mother somehow had had a grandson by Buckner.
When I was confronted by my own sphinx-like manifestations in my dreams, I needed Oedipus-like intelligence to solve many of the riddles of the divinely inspired dreams in which my mother appeared. I believed in divine communication in dreams far more than in oracles. Like Oedipus, I too believed that God communicated with man, but like Oedipus, I often ignored warnings in my dreams.
Dream of:
07 January 1981 "The Lord’s Name"My mother and I were in the
Gallia County Farmhouse. Since it was already night, she and I were getting ready to go to bed, but just as we were about to turn in, my mother warned me that something outside the Farmhouse was frightening her. I ignored her, thinking there was nothing outside which would bother us, and my mother didn't pursue the subject. Instead, she simply left the room and went to bed. I also began preparing to go to sleep and I made a bed for myself on the floor, where I had lately taken to sleeping. No sooner had I lain down, however, than I heard a frightening noise outside the Farmhouse. I immediately stood back up, walked into the kitchen at the rear of the Farmhouse, and peered out the back window. As I gazed down the back hillside into the darkness, I could barely distinguish four faint figures playing beside the barn at the bottom of the hill. The figures resembled four children and eerily, one even looked like me. From somewhere outside, a scary voice floated in, repeating my name, "Steven ... Steven ..."Frightened, I rushed out of the kitchen to my grandfather’s gun case in the next room. I pulled out several shotguns from the case and began examining them, but I knew nothing about the guns or how to use them; I didn't even know how to load them.
Abandoning the guns, I tried to muster my courage. Curious for a better peek at the figures, I again ventured back into the kitchen, and finally even stepped out onto the back porch. I was immediately greeted by a jarring noise which swelled stronger and louder until I realized something was terribly amiss. I frantically dashed back into the kitchen, barely managing to slam the door shut behind me, just as it was forcibly besieged by a pack of attacking animals. When I caught a glimpse of one animal, which resembled a huge pig, I began shrieking, "Mother! Mother!"
My mother, awakened by my screams, jolted into the kitchen, but she didn't help me. Instead, when she saw me holding the door shut, she snarled, "You broke my God damned door!"
I was incensed by her loathsome imprecation. I seized her and threw her onto the floor. As I held her down, I explosively demanded, "What did you say?" She looked ancient and haggard, as if she might be in her 80s. I groaned, "You're going to die pretty soon and you're still taking the Lord's name in vain?"
Suddenly she realized what she had said. She had spoken without thinking. When I sensed that she regretted her words, I released my grip and let her up.
Just as Apollo spoke to Oedipus through the oracle, so I wonder if some other form of intelligence speaks to me through my dreams.
Dream of:
15 March 1981 "The Moving Marble"I had started to go to a school and was studying Spanish, French and something else. Jarrell (a fellow law student at Baylor Law School) was there. When I looked at one of his papers, I saw that he was studying something about stereos.
I decided to talk with one of my teachers because I didn't think I was getting everything I could out of class. It seemed I had been put into an accelerated class in Spanish (because I had shown I knew some Spanish), but I was in a beginning French class. I was contemplating telling my teachers that I would like to go into the next advanced class.
I walked into a room with a female teacher, lay down on the floor and (while she was still standing up) began talking with her. Suddenly I kicked her legs out from under her so she fell onto my legs. I made some sexual advances.
My mother walked into the room and began holding me down by the arms. The room seemed to be a kitchen and some kitchen cabinets were over my head. As my mother and the teacher started looking at one of the drawers in the cabinets, we all heard a sound from the drawer as if a marble were rolling around in it.
When I began moving my eyes as if I were making the marble move with them, my mother and the teacher looked at me in amazement. I thought of the movie The Exorcist and how in the movie when the devil had been inside the little girl, he could make objects move by themselves. As I continued following the sound of the marble with my eyes, I began to wonder if I was actually somehow making the marble move. When my mother and the teacher finally let me up, I realized the marble was moving around through cabinets all over the room. I continued following the marble with my eyes, unsure whether I was making it move with my mind.
The starkest difference between Oedipus and my dream-self seems to be the intense shame Oedipus felt for his relationship with his mother and the lack of shame felt by my dream-self.
Dream of:
26 May 1981 "Pornographic Novels"I was lying on a bed at the House in Patriot (the home of my maternal grandparents when I was a child), reading one of three pornographic novels I had. A girl was lying down at the bottom of my bed. My father
and another girl were lying on another bed in the room.When I laid down my book and began watching a television playing in the room, I realized a pornographic show was on. I touched my leg against the girl in the bed with me. I just barely touched her because I thought she might not want me to do so. When she rolled over so her legs were on mine, I thought, "Well, I'll just keep on going farther."
When she suddenly rolled back over and disappeared, I thought she had fallen off the end of the bed into some kind of abyss.
Meanwhile, my father had become quite involved with the girl in his bed.
Completely nude, I rose and walked to the front of the house. I had chapped lips and was looking for some Vaseline. My mother had just gone into the toilet and was apparently taking a bath. I walked toward the toilet and began talking to my mother from outside the door. I tried to peek through a couple little holes in the door a couple times, but I couldn't really see anything.
When I finally lay down in front of the door, my mother opened the door and walked out. She stood right over top me, her pubic hairs clearly visible above me, not trying to cover herself.
She walked into the little utility room where the stairs to the basement were, and I followed her. I walked over to her and pulled her down from in front of the windows so the people in the house next door couldn't see her (it was daylight outside). I pulled her onto the ground and began biting her breasts. It felt good. I moved my head on down and began performing cunnilingus on her.
She was worried my father might come in. I told her he was busy with someone named Pat. I said, "And anyway, I got somebody in my eyes."
I was referring to a 17 year-old friend of mine who was keeping a lookout at the door to warn me if anything happened.
Just as Oedipus' father Laius was an abusive man, so was my father. To what extent, I am not sure, but I feel that my father's physical abuse of my mother directly influenced my physical orientation toward my mother.
Dream of:
09 September 1981 "Crazy As Hell"While my father and my mother
were having a fight in the West Salem House (a two-story brick house in the little village of West Salem, Ohio, where I lived from the ages 6-8, from 1959-1961), I ran outside and raced across the street to a neighbor's house, where a man and woman took me upstairs and showed me a room which they said I could rent. I stayed and talked with them for a short while, then returned to the House.My father had departed. I walked upstairs and found my mother in the bedroom lying completely nude on her back on the bed. She started to pull a sheet over her, but I reached her before she could. She was badly bruised. A large black and blue bruise was on her neck and a large bruise was also on her breast. I said, "You're crazy as hell if you don't get out of here right now."
She said, "I can't."
Apparently she was pregnant; she said my father was going to make her have an abortion. She was terrified of him. I said, "Well, you're crazy. He'll end up killing you."
Oedipus' relationship with his father was a determining factor in the relationship which Oedipus would have with his mother.
Dream of:
09 September 1981 "No Excuse"I was sitting upstairs in the living room of the Gay Street House
. Some mail had come in and several magazines were amongst it. Some catalogs which had to do with French fashion and in particular French lingerie were among them. I looked through the magazines, thinking they probably contained pictures of scantily clad women. There were two copies of each catalog. I took one copy of each and left one copy in the stack of mail. My father walked into the living and I said, "Here's your mail."I handed the mail to him and he said, "OK."
I knew he had had a fight with my mother and I could tell he was agitated, but since he didn't say anything about it, I didn't either. My mother walked in, sat down and suddenly blurted, "I'm leaving you."
My father and my mother began discussing the fight. When my father tried to justify his actions, I walked over to my mother (who was wearing a shirt with a high collar), pulled down the collar and showed the big bruise to my father, who had caused the bruise by biting her. I pulled the collar farther down, showed him the mark on top of her breast, and acerbically remarked, "She has marks all over her body where you have beaten her. Regardless of what she might have done, there is no excuse for your having done this."
My father proceeded to say he had beaten my mother because she had left him the night before and had gone to a bar with another man. Now I was baffled – I had thought the pommelling had occurred that day, not the day before. Confused about the actual time of the beating, I questioned my mother about the sequence of events. I thought one of them wasn't telling the truth.
Shame was the driving emotion which caused Oedipus to pluck out his eyes. My dream-self, on the other hand, seems to be fairly free of that particular emotion.
Dream of:
16 October 1981 "The Middle Of The Hour"After my mother and I ascended the stairs to the second floor of the Gay Street House
where she and I had been living together, I told her I would like to have sex with her tonight and she said that sounded fine.I already had an erection and I didn't want to wait any longer. I walked over to her, pulled down my bluejean shorts and took off my small shirt so I was left completely nude. After I pulled down the bluejeans shorts she was wearing, she lay down on the couch and spread her legs apart. I looked at her pubic region, inserted my penis in her vagina and commenced having sex with her.
But suddenly we heard someone pull up in a car outside in the driveway. I thought I heard someone slam a door and I froze for a minute, thinking perhaps I should go and see who had arrived. I stood up and started putting my bluejeans and shirt back on. My mother pulled her bluejean shorts back on and started putting on her belt.
I waited a while, but no one came upstairs. Thinking no one was going to bother us, I walked back to my mother and said, "Don't worry about it. Let's just continue making love."
I bent down on my knees in front of her and was going to unbutton her pants again, but then we heard a door downstairs and now I was sure someone was down there. My mother told me to be quiet – she was afraid that the person downstairs was a secret service man and that he would be able to hear us through the radiator in the room. I myself was afraid someone might be standing behind a second door in the room. I didn't want anyone to know I had been having sex with my mother. When we heard another movement downstairs, I hollered down, "Dad?"
My father answered, "Yes."
I was relieved it was my father downstairs – I had been afraid someone else had come to harm us.
By now both my mother and I were fully dressed; I walked downstairs and said to my father, "Well, I'm glad it was you."
He said something like, "Well, why are you glad it was me? I'm here in the middle of the hour."
I said, "Well, if it wasn't you here in the middle of the hour, then it would have been someone else here in the middle of the hour. That could have been really bad."
I meant someone else might have broken into the house to harm us.
My father said he wanted to talk with me about my grades at Baylor Law School. Apparently he wanted to know why I had made a C and a C+ and hadn't continued making B's.
In the first prophesy concerning Oedipus, the Delphic oracle prophesized that Oedipus would kill his father. This warning ultimately turned out to be true. I receive many warnings in my dreams concerning the future, but they do not always turn out to be true. If Oedipus would have heeded the warning in the prophecy, he would have avoided his terrible fate.
Dream of:
08 March 1982 "Too Late"I was lying in the back bedroom of the 29th Street House (a pretty brick-faced bungalow into which my mother moved in 1977 in Portsmouth), while my mother was sleeping in the front bedroom. I thought I heard a noise from outside coming in through a window by the headboard of my bed. I raised up, pulled the blind back a little bit and looked outside. I couldn't see anything, but I thought my movement at least would scare anyone away who might be outside. Unable to see anything, I lay back down. Since I could still see a light coming from my mother's room, I thought, "Well my mother must still be up."
I rose and walked to the door, from where I could see my mother lying on her bed in her bedroom and reading something. Although I was completely naked, I walked down the hall to her room. I turned the light off in her room, but there was still enough light from the hall so I could see. I was apprehensive that someone might be able to see me with my mother through the windows. I certainly didn't want that. But the windows looked as if they were covered well.
I lay down behind her on the bed, put my arms around her and scooted over on top of her so that my feet were on the floor beside her bed. I pulled up the little blue night gown she was wearing and began having intercourse with her. Almost immediately, after I began pumping, I felt as if I were going to ejaculate. But I didn't want to ejaculate so quickly, and I blurted, "Hold it. Hold it."
But suddenly I ejaculated and said, "Oh, its too late."
I looked down at my penis, which was still inserted in her.
I only remember the end of the movie Good-Bye Mr. Goodbar as being a scene where a psychopath stabs a woman to death, which must make me wonder if I also am a psychopath. It seems that the word "psychopath" means "sick in the mind". Oedipus must surely have been psychopathic to have actually cut out his own eyes. I'm at least quite sure I am not that crazy.
Dream of:
18 March 1982 (2) "Good-Bye Mr. Goodbar"A younger man had come to my mother's 29th Street House one morning to visit
my mother. She and the man had then traveled to Gallipolis for a while, and when they returned, my mother introduced the man to me. We talked for a while about some people they knew in Gallipolis. They mentioned one person they had met in Gallipolis who apparently was a mutual friend of theirs.I asked the fellow what he did. Apparently he worked in a factory and made a device which was used to hold up the roofs of mines, but now he was laid off. He apparently lived somewhere in Sciotoville, Ohio, and he wanted my mother to go there with him. Finally my mother and I walked out of the room, and I pulled her into the bathroom with me. I said to her, "Mom, there's something about that guy. I don't want you going up there with him. I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't trust him."
I could see she really wanted to go. I raised my hand up and brought it down over top of her as if I were stabbing her. My actions reminded me of the final scene in the movie Good-Bye Mr. Goodbar where a stabbing takes place. I was trying to show my mother what might happen to her if she went with the fellow, but she didn't seem to be paying attention to me.
To make my point more clear, I laid her down on the floor on her back. I spread her legs apart, got on top of her and simulated having intercourse with her. While I was doing that, I raised my arm up and down over her as if I were stabbing her, but she appeared to have passed out and she wasn't paying any attention to me.
My sister walked into the room and saw what was happening. She supported my effort to keep my mother away from the man.
My mother stood back up, walked back into the room where the fellow was, and told him that she wasn't going to be able to go with him today, but that she might go some other time.
In the meantime, the fellow had picked up a pair of my ear phones and put them on. He walked back where I was and told me that he had his own set of earphones at his place, that his were larger than mine and that he liked his earphones better than mine.
When he finally left, I acquiesced, "Well if he comes back again, maybe the next time it'll be OK."
But I was still uncertain about the fellow.
Oedipus was driven insane by his shame, and in his insanity he plucked out his eyes. But was he insane? Perhaps the plucking out of the eyes was a perfectly sane act. I do not think so. I have to say that self mutilation of that nature qualifies as an act of insanity.
Dream of:
16 April 1982 "A Rogue"I was apparently at my mother's home which somewhat resembled her old Logan Street House, but which also seemed like a house in which I had never been before. My sister and I were in a room which seemed to be a bedroom. As my sister and I talked, she suddenly had a pain in her stomach. She stood and walked into my mother's bedroom, where my mother, apparently asleep, was lying on the bed. I followed my sister, who began moaning and groaning. When my mother asked her what was wrong, my sister replied, "Appendicitis attack."
I asked, "Well, do you think we should take her to the hospital?"
I sat down on the floor next to my mother's bed and said, "It seems awful strange that I can be such a rogue and do such terrible things, and nothing bad happens to me, and here my poor little sister comes along, and she's got all kinds of problems."
After turning on the lights, I noticed a plastic packet containing what appeared to be marijuana lying on a tray next to my mother's bed. I picked it up; I could clearly see marijuana seeds in the packet. When I asked my mother what it was, she replied it was something like lemon grinds. I looked at the substance again and I was sure it was marijuana.
I looked on the dresser beside the bed and saw a large marijuana roach. I picked it up, thinking that combined with the pot in the bag I could roll me a joint, but I immediately dropped the roach because it was hot. Fire was in it. I stopped and asked myself why it was hot. I looked at my mother and said, "You've been in here smoking, haven't you."
At first she said, "No." but then she admitted she had been smoking. She lay back on her bed. I walked over to her and kissed her. I moved my head down so it was over her white panties. I moved up so my penis was right in her face. She reached up and put my penis in her mouth. It felt fantastic. I was just about to put my hand inside her panties, but my penis felt so good in her mouth that after just a few seconds I cried, "No, hold it stop!"
I was afraid I was ejaculating. She took my penis out of her mouth, but it was too late. I felt myself ejaculating.
Ultimately, Oedipus was ennobled by his shame because after he plucked out his eyes, he was regarded as a good and noble man, praised by Apollo himself. The act which seems insane to me is the very act which ennobles Oedipus.
Dream of:
16 September 1982 "Voices At Night"With a cigarette dangling in my mouth, I was riding a motorcycle toward Portsmouth. Rather late at night I arrived at a white house in which my mother was living. I had never been to the house before. After I dismounted the motorcycle, my mother and my father met me at the door. I felt uncomfortable smoking the cigarette, but I continued anyway.
After I had entered the house, my mother went to bed and my father and I walked out onto a little patio where stood a couple couches on which we were going to sleep. While my father lay down on one couch and covered up, I sat down on the other couch. We talked and I continued smoking my cigarette until it was almost down to the filter. Then I picked up a cup which had some moist noodles in it and put out my cigarette in it.
When I had entered, I hadn't even touched my father, much less put my arms around him. I thought perhaps I should go over to him and hug him while he lay there.
He asked me about a girl named Lisa, but I wasn't quite sure what he was talking about.
My mother being there with my father seemed so strange since I knew she had recently married a man named Leo Weber (a marriage in 1982 which only lasted for a few weeks). When I asked my father if Leo were in the house, he said that Leo had found another lover and had left. I wasn't satisfied with that answer. I suspected my father had forced Leo to leave.
I stood and walked into the next room where my mother and my sister were sleeping in double beds. My mother was lying in the bed closest to the door. I walked in and whispered, "Are you awake?"
She responded, "What?"
She obviously had been sleeping. She sat up. I walked to the edge of the bed and asked, "Where is Leo?"
She put her arms around me and we both knelt down beside the bed. She reached between my legs and seemed to be trying to feel my penis. I wasn't wearing any pants or shorts. She asked, "Do you know anything about someone sending letters to people saying they can read your mind?"
Her words startled me and made me feel uneasy. She continued talking. Finally she grabbed my penis and pulled it around behind my back. It stretched out about two thirds of a meter and caused me some discomfort. I wanted her to let go. I pulled her hand back around and tried to open it. I told her she had to let go and finally she did. I thought for a moment we were going to have an actual fight, but then things cooled down. I could see something was wrong and I just wanted to humor her until I could escape.
When she continued talking about Leo, I inferred that someone had written letters saying they could read Leo's mind. Apparently Leo had believed the letters and had left my mother for some reason. I had a strange apprehension about the whole matter. I recalled that I had written Leo a letter, but I knew my letter hadn't been like the ones to which my mother was referring. Now that Leo had left, everyone had concluded that Leo was insane.
My mother continued, "He hears voices at night from people on the other side of the universe."
Gluing the shards of the Greek Oedipus' story to my own story revealed an unexpected swan-like beauty.
Dream of:
30 December 1982 "Greek Pottery"I was in Portsmouth, where I had been watching a television program describing some pottery commonly sold in the area. The program said some of the pottery had actually been constructed from pieces of Greek pottery. The Greek pieces had been glued together with more recently fabricated pieces to make large vases about three meters tall. The elegant vases reminded me somewhat of swans.
I recalled that my mother had some vases like those in her garage behind her 29th Street House, where I presently found myself. After walking to the garage and looking around, I found a vase obviously of the same type as the ones which I had just seen described on the television. Some pieces which had been in the vase appeared to be ancient: I concluded those pieces were from the Greek pottery. My mother wasn't with me, and I hid the vase.
I returned back into the House and my mother soon returned with a person who reminded me both of my mother's friend, Meisel, and my father's secretary, Pitts. Earlier my mother had been speaking on the phone with the woman, who for some reason was unhappy with me. The woman was angry because, she said, I hadn't been treating her right. Indeed I thought I was unhappy with Pitts, because I had bought a car from her and hadn't gotten a very good deal on it.
When I began telling my mother of my discovery in the garage, the other woman picked up a small, glass cup, showed it to me, and said that perhaps it came from the Greeks. But when I looked at it, I said, "No, clearly this is of recent fabrication. Its just clear glass."
It was made of clear glass with the design of a red flower on it. I sat it back on the table.
Without asking my mother what she wanted to do with the vase which I had found in the garage, I announced that I had found it and that I wanted to keep it for myself. I said, "And I'm going to keep it."
I walked back to the garage where I searched high and low for the vase, without being able to locate it. I looked and looked but I couldn't remember where I had hidden the vase.
Instead of simply killing himself, Oedipus decided to torture himself and chose the far more painful remedy of cutting out his own eyes.
Dream of:
06 February 1983 "Black Duck Against The Wind"While in the Gallia County Farmhouse, I saw my mother standing nude in the living room; I thought it odd when I noticed she had a penis. Nevertheless, I was attracted to her, wanted to have sex with her and I wondered if she had a vagina under the penis. I walked over to her, stuck my finger under the penis and discovered she did indeed have a vagina into which I proceeded to stick my finger. She lay down and I climbed on top of her, inserted my penis into her vagina and quickly ejaculated.
After I had finished, she left and I sat alone in the room. I began thinking I had also recently had sex with my sister and I was contemplating telling
my girlfriend Louise about the fact, but decided I wouldn't. In a way I thought I should tell Louise, but I thought having sex with my sister was different (as contrasted to having sex with someone else) and I wouldn't have to tell Louise about the sex with my sister.My step-grandfather Clarence walked into the room and I began talking with him. He had some things which he needed to be taken up into the attic. He told me that a pulley was by a window in the attic, and that I could use some rope and the pulley to raise the things to the attic. He said I should go to the back of the Farmhouse to get some rope to use.
I walked outside and saw lying on the sidewalk a large rock which I thought I would throw down into Symmes Creek. I thought about Louise again and recalled that I had told her that I had never been able to throw a rock from the Farmhouse all the way to the creek. I picked up the rock and when I threw it, it bounced on the creek bank and then into the creek. I would have to tell Louise about that.
I couldn't find another large rock, but I did see some smaller flat rocks in a place where it looked as if a dog had been digging near the sidewalk. I picked up one of the smaller rocks and threw it, but the rock didn't go far and hit a fence about half way between the Farmhouse and the creek.
I looked up and saw a black duck flying overhead. The duck seemed to be very symbolic to me and I thought I would like to tell Louise about it, but I thought, "Oh, she wouldn't understand. She would just think it was silly."
Nevertheless, I continued thinking about the black duck flying against the wind.
Except for the fact that my dream-self sometimes had sexual contact with my dream mother, as Oedipus had sexual contact with his mother, the similarities between Oedipus and my real self are rather thin. Dream of: 31 December 1983 "Chain Saw Massacre"My mother and I were together and we were planning to go to Kay's (my father's ex-wife's) house to investigate something. Apparently Kay had been living with my father and we were going to try to find out exactly what was going on between Kay and my father.
My mother was afraid to go at first. We knew Kay had a chain saw and my mother was afraid Kay might attack us with it. I told my mother that Kay surely wouldn't do anything like that. I said that it wouldn't be dangerous and that we should go.
We left and soon arrived at Kay's house. We walked inside, made our way to Kay's bedroom and snooped around the bed. Suddenly Kay walked out of the bathroom. I was standing on the other side of the bed, but my mother was next to Kay.
Kay suddenly grabbed a chain saw sitting there and before I could act, she crammed the saw into my mother's back. The blade of the saw come through my mother's chest. My mother screamed. Kay moved the chain saw upward slicing my mother.
When I ran around the bed and knocked Kay down, my mother fell onto the bed with the chain saw still in her. I grabbed the chain saw and pulled it out, but it was too late: my mother was obviously already dead.
As I held the chain saw, I wondered whether I should chop off Kay's head with it. I couldn't bring myself to do it, even though I felt like it.
Oedipus and I did have in common the importance of our mothers, as in each case our mothers seemed to have more influence over us than any other females in our lives.
Dream of:
19 February 1984 "Munich"I had finished my classes at Baylor Law School for the quarter and I had decided to go to Dallas to take a short vacation. When I arrived in Dallas, I realized the republican national convention was going to be held in Dallas to nominate a presidential candidate for 1984.
I began thinking about the convention, confused the Republicans with the Democrats and thought it was the Democrats who would be holding their convention in Dallas. I also began wondering if there was any possibility of the Russians bombing the convention. But I thought since it was the Democrats who would be holding the convention, the Russians wouldn't want to bomb the Democrats.
I met my mother, my father and my sister and began discussing the matter with them. I then realized it was actually the Republicans who would be holding the convention in Dallas. I thought about the Russians again and told my father I didn't think they would want to bomb anybody, even the Republicans. I thought the Russians might want to get rid of president Ronald Reagan but thought, "No they still wouldn't want to."
My mother, my sister and I then went to a rather elegant and elaborate bar. I didn't like being in the bar and I wanted to leave. They said I should wait because Debi was going to show up. I was unsure who they were talking about and I told them I didn't care. I didn't want to stay and wait for anyone named Debi to appear. But then they said they were talking about my old brunette girlfriend from the ninth grade of junior high school in 1967, Debi. Apparently Debi and her mother were going to be coming to the bar. I said, "Debi! Well in that case I will stay. "
I hadn't been expecting Debi and thought I would like to see her again. They said she wasn't going to come until five.
The more I looked around the more the place reminded me of Munich, Germany, and finally I became convinced that I actually was in Germany. I began thinking that Debi was coming to Germany for a vacation and I thought about what a long trip that would be for her. Since Debi's coming to Germany was still some time off in the future, I began walking around the bar by myself. I didn't drink anything alcoholic and I finally sat down by myself in a table in a corner. Not far from me was a table filled with women, one of which had very long, brown hair. As I sat down she said, "Hi."
I looked at her and said, "Hello. Boy you have beautiful hair."
"Thank you," she replied.
My mother walked up. She was wearing a long, blue dress and looked quite young, as if she were about 30; I thought the women at the table might think my mother was my date. I thought it might be better if they did think that I had a date and that I wasn't alone. I didn't think they would think the woman was my mother. But my mother didn't sit down with me.
Another girl with kinky blonde hair said hi to me.
I wanted to tell the blonde she had pretty hair, too, but I didn't want to say the same thing to her as I had said to the other girl. So I didn't say anything. The blonde wasn't quite as pretty as the brunette.
Someone else was tying to squeeze behind the table where the girls were sitting. The blonde turned to him and said, "Tu est dick."
I knew that "dick" meant "fat" in German, that "tu" meant "you" in Spanish and that "est" meant "are" in Italian. I thought about it for a minute, then looked at the blonde and asked, "What did you say?"
She didn't hear me. I smiled to myself and just sat there wondering about it. I felt like going over to her and asking her what languages she knew but I didn't.
I decided I was going to try something different. I wanted to try to move around in the bar without touching the ground, by climbing on tables, walls or whatever I could find. The wall behind me was only a partition which didn't go all the way to the ceiling. I pulled myself up on top of the partition and sat there a while.
Another wall of the same height was nearby and I grabbed onto it and balanced myself in midair. Suddenly I let go of both walls and remained suspended, floating in mid-air. The feeling of balancing myself in mid-air was exhilarating. I began thinking I could even float around the room if I wanted to. So I began flying all around the room. I was very much in control as I maneuvered about. I began floating down and floated over top of a large bar there. I saw the manager and the bartender looking at me and I could tell that they were becoming angry because I was doing floating. So I swooped down close to the bar and landed. I saw a couple people who worked there coming toward me and I thought, "Well, they probably think I'm drunk." But I hadn't had anything alcoholic to drink.
I stood up and began talking with someone. I saw my mother nearby and pointed out to her that it was already past 5:30 and that Debi still wasn't there. My mother told me that Debi didn't get off work until five thirty. I responded, "You knew all this time she wouldn't be here till after five thirty. You should have told me and I wouldn't have had to have waited here all this time."
I looked at my watch and saw that it was twenty till six. Suddenly my mother said, "Well here she comes."
I looked up and saw Debi walk into the room. I didn't see Debi's mother with her. Debi was thin and looked as if she were in her early 30s. She walked up to me and put her arms around me. She embraced me, gave me a long, passionate kiss on the lips, and held me tight.
I broke away and said, "Are you alone?"
"Oh yes," she replied.
I asked, "Do you have anybody back home?"
"No," she answered.
I was ecstatic to be with her. When she held me I felt as if I wanted to spend my life with her. I held her as tightly as I could and she did the same. We just stood there holding each other. I knew she was only going to be there for the weekend but I felt that somehow we were going to end up spending our lives with each other. I knew I loved her. I became quite emotional and began crying.
For the story of Oedipus to have any meaning, it must be understood that the oracles were no more than warnings, and not unalterable statements of the future, just as dreams contain only warnings, and not unalterable statements of the future.
Dream of:
02 April 1984 "Marigold"I was in a large mansion in Portsmouth where my mother and my sister were living. I descended a large stairways, saw that the television show "Dallas" was just beginning on television and thought about watching it.
My mother then came home, accompanied by a beautiful 16-17 year-old blonde girl named Marigold. I had seen Marigold with my sister before, but I had never spoken with her. I wondered if she were called Mary for short. She was thin and her face was exquisitely beautiful. I liked her. My mother and Marigold sat down and I thought they were going to watch Dallas.
The more I looked at the room we were in, the more it seemed as if we were outside in a yard. I had been thinking earlier about doing some exercises and I decided to do them now. I took off running across the yard, somersaulted over in mid-air and landed on my feet. I repeated the same move two or three times. I then leaped into the air, and while in the air, bent my body back so my feet touched the back of my head. I then straightened out and landed back on the ground. I repeated that move two or three times.
Meanwhile I noticed Geary (a former classmate from high school who later became an attorney) had walked in and was standing near a fence. I spoke with him and remembered that he had gone to law school and that I had never seen him since he had started law school.
Next to the fence was a gigantic dark-colored tree. Somehow the center of the tree had been cut out, but gigantic branches had grown out along the sides.
Geary asked me if I planned to stay in Portsmouth with my mother. He saw that I had moved some things into my mother's house and that I didn't have a place of my own to live. I said, "No. I'll probably just be here for a few months."
He walked over and hugged me. I likewise put my arms around him. He was probably twice as tall as I and my head only came to his stomach. He was happy to hear I wasn't going to stay in Portsmouth. He seemed to think staying in Portsmouth would be a terrible mistake. I said, "I can't help it. I hate this town."
Notwithstanding evidence that Oedipus knew all along that he was having sex with his mother, the story of Oedipus as presented by Sophocles presents Oedipus as having had sex with his mother without conscious knowledge that she was his mother. A reasonable inference from the story would be that had Oedipus known he was having sex with his mother, he would not have enjoyed it. Yet another point of difference between Oedipus and myself.
Dream of: 10 August 1984 "Good Feeling"I was in bed with a woman who I thought was my mother, but who didn't look like my mother. As I lay next to her, I put my hands around her and inside the long robe she was wearing so I could squeeze both her breasts. She resisted at first, but finally acquiesced. Squeezing her breasts felt very good, although one breast felt slightly larger than the other. I became extremely aroused, finally stood up and took off my pants. I walked back to her, poised my penis close to her mouth, and told her I was almost ready to ejaculate. She looked at me a moment, raised up and put my penis into her mouth. I began moving my penis back and forth, and after a few seconds, ejaculated into her mouth. Feeling the sperm flow into her mouth felt quite good.
Early one morning while I was in the room of a house where I slept, I saw a fairly large marching band in the next room; all the band members were males. The band began playing and marching past the door, playing the tune, "Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work we go." Indeed, it was time for me to get up and go to work. I waited to see if any
flutes were in the band. Finally two fellows playing flutes, then some men playing another instrument, and finally a short-haired fellow (probably in his early 30s) playing a flute, marched by. Next came the trumpets, followed by my old high-school classmate Duff who was playing a loud and boisterous instrument which looked like a saxophone, but which sounded like a trombone. I thought it would be nice if I began playing the flute again and joined a band like that.My grandmother Leacy was sitting across from me. My mother walked in and sat down on a chair next to me, so her butt was hanging over the side of the chair. I reached over and began feeling where I thought her vagina would be. She stopped me and said she had to go. It seemed as if she and I had been married for a few months, and I thought the spark in our marriage was beginning to die because she was treating me that way.
That the intensity of Oedipus' pain was so great that he would actually gut his own eyes is simply almost impossible to believe. So it is difficult for me to believe differently from what I have already concluded, that Oedipus was insane when he plucked out his eyes. Dream of: 19 October 1984 "Neglected"I went to a small hospital (which had about 20 patients in it) to visit my mother and my mother's brother, my crippled uncle George (1925-1979, who had polio from an early age and was unable to walk, moving around by scooting on the floor). Both George and my mother had been patients in the hospital for quite a while. I saw my mother, wan and worn. She was thin and for some reason she reminded me of a road map.
I left, but then returned, this time just to visit George. When I arrived, I discovered the doctors had been releasing most patients, but George hadn't yet been released. I found him in one room, where he had been cut up so his whole insides had been carved into. The sight was a bloody mess.
The doctors said they were going to have to do more tests, apparently for sugar diabetes. So in order to perform electrical tests, they put George on the bed and attached some electrical wires to his innards. George was on the other side of a screen so I couldn't see him. The doctors said they were going to increase the amount of electricity for the test. George was supposed to indicate when he began feeling the current. The doctors increased the current until George finally said something and the doctors turned the current off.
Clearly not much hope was left for George. He would probably never be released.
One of the two doctors working on George was older. I had the feeling that they had neglected George a while, but that there wouldn't have been much hope for him anyway.
Suddenly it occurred to me that I hadn't seen my mother any more. I stood up and said, "Where's my mother."
As I began looking around trying to find her, it suddenly dawned on me just how important my mother was to me. I needed to find her.
The advice of Oedipus' mother Jocasta, that men should ignore dreams about sleeping with their own mothers, is bad advice.
Dream of: 30 October 1984 "Clearing Tornado"
I was in the living room of the home of my maternal grandparents when I was a child, the House in Patriot. My father, my mother and my crippled uncle George were sitting in the kitchen. I looked out the window and saw a storm blowing up which appeared to be rapidly turning into a tornado. Suddenly I looked out and saw extremely dark funnel clouds headed right toward the House. I wanted to warn the others, but I couldn't seem to speak. In an attempt to attract their attention, I ran to the door, picked up a little table and threw it down, but no one paid any attention to me.
Next I ran into the bedroom and I lay down in a corner. I thought if the tornado hit, I would at least be somewhat protected, but then I suddenly thought I could run to the basement. I ran into the kitchen and was finally able to warn the others about the tornado, which by now seemed to be clearing somewhat. After asking George if he wanted to go to the basement, I picked him up and carried him in my arms down the stairs to the basement. I asked him where his wheelchair was. When he told me, I put him down on the floor and told him I would be right back. I ran back up the stairs, found the wheelchair, and after taking it back down the stairs, put him in it.
Then I climbed back upstairs again and I sat down at the kitchen table with my father and my mother. Through the back window we could see the clouds beginning to clear substantially. We sat for quite a while as the sky gradually grew lighter outside.
Hearing a noise which seemed to be coming from the basement, I looked toward the basement stairs and saw George somehow managing to pull himself up from the basement in his wheelchair. He was already all the way up to the top. When I asked him if I could help him, he told me it wasn't necessary.
The indictment against Oedipus' having sex with his mother Jocasta as foretold by the oracle of Apollo is at least to some degree the same indictment wherein the Greek Apostle Paul expatiated against sex itself. Since Paul lived 400 years after the time that Sophocles wrote the Oedipus plays, quite possibly Paul was influenced by the tenor of those plays.
Dream of: 03 April 1985 "Like In A Dream"I was sleeping under a couple covers on a couch in a large room while my mother was sleeping on a couch on the other side of the room. When I awoke, I was nude and had an erection. My mother had a cover over her and I thought about going over to her, slipping under the cover and lying next to her. I stood up thinking about it, but then lay back down thinking, "No, I better not do it. I'll wait a little while. Make sure I'm not just thinking about this, kind of like in a dream, and regret it later."
As I lay there I began imagining what lying next to my mother would be like. She was probably wearing some panties. I could just slip my hand inside her panties and pull her close to me.
As morning approached, I finally stood again and walked over to where my mother was. I slipped under the cover next to her and she didn't object. Her hand brushed past my penis, so she obviously knew I was nude.
First I lay next to her and then I crawled on top of her. I began hunching her and she began hunching me back. I lay beside her again, put my hand on her panties and could feel that she was becoming wet. Again I crawled back on top of her. She was wearing a sweater which I pulled up over her breasts. It was the first time I had ever seen her breasts, although from my position I couldn't see them well.
When I continued hunching her, all the covers fell off us. I pulled her butt up in the air and she raised herself up and pulled my penis toward her face. She then stuck my penis in her mouth and began performing fellatio on me.
After Oedipus tore out his eyes, as recorded in Sophocles' Antigone, he traveled from Thebes to Athens where of all things he had been improbably promised by Apollo to die in a place sacred to the Furies and to be a blessing for the land in which he was buried.
Dream of: 13 April 1985 "Approaching Tornado"I was with a group of children who were going wild throwing things around in someone's house and tearing up the house. Finally the parents came home and discovered what the children had done. I thought to myself, "Well this is just a case of children going wild."
The parents made the children begin cleaning up the house and I began helping. As I cleaned, I realized I was in the loft of one of the barns on the Gallia County Farm. I looked around and saw my brother Chris and my mother were also up there. A hard wind seemed to be blowing the barn and when I looked out the window toward the Farmhouse, it looked as if a tornado were coming in. The wind began to blow and howl. I looked at it very closely, because I thought I might be dreaming and I wanted to be sure I wasn't dreaming. I knew I had had dreams like that before and knew tornadoes were a theme I had often had in dreams. The more I looked, the more sure I was that I wasn't dreaming.
I saw the clouds swirling around and they seemed quite beautiful. But I knew I needed to get out of this rickety old barn and go to the basement. The top of that barn could easily be blown away. I started to go down the ladder, but then stopped and said to my mother, "Give me Chris."
But she seemed angry I was leaving and told me to go on by myself. But then she said, "Well I see you're just going to leave without him."
I took a couple more steps down, but then came back up and said, "No, give him to me."
Someone handed him to me and I put him over my right shoulder so his head was hanging over behind me. He moaned and was obviously afraid I wouldn't be able to hold him. I grabbed the blue pajamas he was wearing and he said, "Oh Steve, take me, take me now. "
I said, "I've got you baby."
I held on to him as we headed down the ladder together.
The subtlety of the question of predestination pierces to the heart of the reality of the sin which Oedipus is purported to have perpetrated to the point that it would appear that Oedipus could not have been guilty of any sin whatsoever if his destiny had already been predetermined by God itself, as indeed it was said to have been, by the oracle of Apollo.
Dream of: 08 May 1985 "Odes"My brother Chris (who, while alive from 1957-1974, was crippled with muscular dystrophy) and I were in the back seat of a car being driven by Louise (from whom I divorced in April 1985 after being married less than a year). My mother was sitting in the front seat with Louise. Louise was headed for a bar and finally pulled into a parking lot. When she stopped, I stepped from the car and Louise asked me if I were going to go in the bar with them. I said, "No, I'm just going to leave."
I had about five books with me, one of which had its cover torn off, but appeared to be the Latin text of Horace's Odes.
I was about to go somewhere else when I realized I had left my billfold with all my money lying in the car. I needed the billfold. As Louise backed up the car and started to pull away, I hollered out to her that I needed my billfold. Even though she heard me and she knew I needed my billfold, she started to drive off anyway. As she drove past me, I threw my books at her. Although her window was rolled down, I was unsure any of the books had hit her.
She wheeled the car around and ran right through the side of a building behind us which looked like a barn. I knew something might be in the building which she would hit; suddenly I heard a big crash inside. Silence followed and I heard Louise moan. Then I heard her say, "Oh my back. I've thrown my back out."
In my mind I imagined the vertebrae in Louise's back being displaced. I thought she might never be able to walk again. I ran into the barn and opened up the front door on the passenger side. Louise was still sitting behind the steering wheel and she appeared to be in pain. Although my crippled brother Chris was lying in the back seat, I was unconcerned about him because I knew he couldn't walk anyway. Since he was still alive, I figured he apparently wasn't badly injured.
My mother was lying on the floorboard of the front seat. I had to pull the seat and bend it down as I tried to get her out. I was unsure, but it appeared she was probably dead. She was wearing a black and white dress and she seemed very small.
Louise continued to complain, but I didn't have time to get to her. I needed to tend to my mother first.
If the desire to follow Oedipus example and have sex with one's mother is universal (as postulated by Sigmund Freud), then no man is initially guilty of sin by having that desire.
Dream of: 20 July 1985 "My Duty"I had been living in a large house with my mother and two other children which she had. When my grandfather came to visit us one day, the three of us began talking. My mother had recently been having some financial difficulties and my grandfather began saying it was my duty to provide for my mother. I flatly told him that providing for her wasn't my duty. Although I had recently been helping out my mother, I wanted it to be perfectly understood that I had no duty to assist her. I said, "It is not my duty to support her."
My mother spoke up and agreed with me. She told my grandfather that I was 27 years old and that I no longer had a duty to take care of her or her children.
My mother had been working as a secretary in one of my competitor's law office, but recently she had completely taken over that other law office and she was now trying to run the office herself. I considered the possibility of my hiring her to work in my law office and thereby possibly solving some of her financial problems. I knew she didn't speak Spanish, however, and I needed someone who spoke Spanish.
I walked into my bedroom. I had a small movie projector which I sat down on the floor on one side of the bed. I aimed the projector across the bed to the opposite wall. A black and white old-time movie began and an image of a man appeared on the wall. His image was just about my height and he seemed to be standing in front of some students in a classroom.
The man was named Brandeis and I recognized him as a Supreme Court Justice from the 1930s. Addressing the image of the man, I began arguing a case on which I was working. Delving into some detail about the case, I was rather impressed with the complexity of the case. Apparently the case was on appeal to a federal circuit court.
I looked at the image of the man on the screen before me and I said, "You are wrong in this case."
I knew the man had opposed me on the case which dealt with an issue of immigration. The man was opposed to the immigration of my client. I had once admired the man, but I now felt as if he were morally wrong about his stance on this case. Since I had never fully trusted the man, I therefore wasn't really disappointed in him.
As I continued talking about the case I felt rather proud of myself for having carried it to such a point and being able to challenge the rather formidable professor in such a worthy cause. I was certain I was right, but I thought the professor was unbendable in his position and I had only the merest scintilla of hope that he would change.
The picture on the wall changed and another man appeared. He was a short man and his features and the way he dressed reminded me of Charlie Chaplin. He likewise was apparently a judge. He certainly didn't seem as dignified as the first man and he looked a bit eccentric. But I realized he agreed with my version of the case and I felt a great deal of respect for him. The picture of the first man returned and I continued practicing my argument.
I felt good about practicing the way I was doing. I knew I had reached a point when it was important to be doing what I was doing. I wondered if my mother could hear me from the other room. If it bothered her she would just have to accept it. I no longer felt diffident about what I was doing. I thought she would probably end up being proud of me.
I moved the projector a little to see if I could throw a better picture on the wall. The picture seemed to be somewhat cut off at the bottom by the bed the way it was. But when I moved the projector the whole image became too light to see. So I moved it back the way it was. It was a very good picture even though it looked as if it would be better if the bed weren't in the way.
Although my dream-self is fully aware that he is having sex with his mother, Oedipus claimed to be unaware that he was having sex with his own mother. Yet my dream-self in general is devoid of guilt, while Oedipus is consumed by guilt.
Dream of: 21 July 1985 "Chasm In The Cemetery"I was at a party with several other people, including my mother (only about 30 years old) who had black hair and who reminded me somewhat both of my sister and of my ex-wife, Louise. She seemed to be rather unhappy. I talked with her for a while and then turned around with my back to her. As I continued talking to her with my back to her, she reached around me and put her hand on my penis.
I turned back around toward her and continued talking to her. She apparently had been drinking alcohol rather extensively and appeared intoxicated.
She decided to leave the party and go home and without saying anything, she picked up her coat and walked out the front door. When I realized she had left, I ran outside to follow her. I knew she lived nearby and I thought she was probably intending to simply walk home.
Outside, I found myself on the corner of a busy street which my mother had already crossed. But she had to again cross the street farther down the block to get to where she was going. I crossed the street and walked down the block to where she would have to cross, but she crossed the street at a different point from where I had expected and she ended up about a half block ahead of me. I began running toward her, with the street on my right. On my left was some kind of indistinct building, perhaps a church or a school. She walked onto the lawn of the building, took off her coat and laid it down. When some black men approached her, I called to her, "Patty. Watch out. There’s a man."
She had her back to the man about whom I was hollering and she couldn't see him. When he stood still, I ran up to him and told him to stay away from my mother. He stood up on a marble rock and indicated that he had only come there to practice making a speech and he declared, "I'm an astronaut."
I realized that he wasn't dangerous and that he wasn't going to bother anybody. I also looked around and realized that we were in a cemetery and I realized the man was going to talk about the dilapidated state of the cemetery. A large chasm (perhaps plowed by a bulldozer) about two or three meters deep ran down the cemetery's middle. I looked into the chasm and saw some clothes, as if some of the graves had been opened up.
When my mother descended into the chasm, I decided to follow her. I began climbing down two bookshelves standing in the chasm, until the one I was on began tipping over and fell into the second one. Before the bookshelves fell all the way over, my mother caught and stopped them.
I clambered down to the ground and we straightened the shelves back up. We tried to be quiet because the astronaut was beginning to make his speech.
The same lack of control which I have to control the action of my dreams seems parallel to the lack of control which Oedipus had over his destiny once that destiny had been predetermined by Apollo.
Dream of: 23 July 1985 "Screwing Around"I was visiting my mother at her home in Portsmouth. I was lying on a bed in one bedroom, talking to my mother who was in the adjoining room. We talked for a while about Kay (my father's blonde second ex-wife, a couple years older than I). When I told my mother that I might visit Kay and that I might even go to bed with Kay, my mother said, "Oh. You're going to screw around with her."
I said, "Yea. I might."
I thought I might indeed go to bed with Kay. I tried to remember whether Kay still lived in the neighboring town of New Boston or whether she lived on Eighth Street in Portsmouth just a few doors away from my father's home. I finally concluded that she lived in New Boston. I remembered the last time I had been in Portsmouth, Kay had invited me to come and visit her. I was uncertain whether I should first tell my father if I were going to visit her.
I was also concerned Kay might have a venereal disease. I thought I would need to be careful.
After my mother and I had talked about it for a while, I realized my mother might be somewhat jealous of Kay. Finally my mother walked into the bedroom where I was lying naked in the bed. We planned to sleep together in the bed. Wearing a tee shirt and a pair of blue panties, she lay down beside me.
I rolled over on top of her. I felt comfortable with her because I had frequently gone to bed with her in the past. I had an erection. She spread out her legs and I began hunching her. I slipped my hands inside her panties from behind and began feeling her buttocks. She grabbed my penis with her hand. It felt as if at the same time she were pulling down her panties and as if she were trying to insert my penis into her vagina. I said, "Hold it. Hold it."
I wanted her to stop because I felt as if I were going to have a premature ejaculation; but it was too late – I suddenly ejaculated before she was even able to insert my penis into her.
Comparing Oedipus to my dream-self, I conclude that my dreams of having sex with my mother are warning dreams, and that the warning involves sex.
Dream of: 05 October 1985 "Mutual Dream"I was driving a car which contained three other people: my brother Chris, a woman who seemed like my mother, and a man. As we drove my mother became worried about my driving and she wanted to drive herself. She seemed to think I was going too fast. So we exchanged places and she began to drive, but she had a difficulty driving and the rest of us were afraid she was going to crash. She seemed to realize that driving was more difficult than she had thought and she agreed to let me take over again.
Once I was behind the steering wheel, I immediately again began driving fast again in order to show off my driving skills even though I knew my driving fast would frighten my mother. We were on a narrow, windy country road. No other cars were in sight and I raced along exuberantly. Suddenly we approached a bend and before I knew it, I had lost control of the car. We plunged off the road to the left into the field. Our car actually left the ground when we flew off the highway. We landed in the field, but the car never stopped moving. The ground in the field was wet and it looked as if it might have been raining. I was afraid if we didn't actually crash that we would get stuck. I pushed on the accelerator to pull us out of the wet ground and the car ground back to the highway.
Once back on the highway I realized I had been going too fast and I thought perhaps I had indeed better slow down. Suddenly, however, I found myself in another predicament. The road had unexpectedly led to the roof of what appeared to be a house. When we reached the edge of the roof, the road suddenly ended in a sharp drop-off. It was too late for me to stop and I simply tried to guide the car as best I could as we dropped over the edge toward the ground below where the road picked up again.
We lightly touched down and I was quite satisfied with how I had handled the crisis. However I slowed my speed down to almost a crawl and I knew the others were relieved.
We approached what appeared to be a small village which almost looked like a ghost town and we rode through. The rather bizarre-looking buildings appeared completely deserted except for a television playing in one window. Suddenly I noticed on the horizon behind the village the outline of many buildings in what appeared to be a large city. Those buildings likewise seemed very strange. It looked as if many of the buildings had fallen down and as if the city had been in a war.
I stopped the car and we all got out. Chris tried to stand up but was unable to stay on his feet. I walked over to him and helped him stand. I held him in my arms with his feet on the ground.
I continued looking at the large buildings in the distance until the image gradually faded and I found myself in a room with the other three. We were gathered around a table and all of us sat down. I realized that the four of us had been having a mutual dream. The images of the dream had somewhat faded but they were still in my mind. The other three and I were still in the dream state even though we were now able to momentarily see our waking bodies.
We began discussing the images in the dream as they had occurred up to that point. I retraced the driving episode and until I reached the point where I had seen the large buildings behind the village. The man and woman woman who seemed like my mother described what they had seen and their descriptions were somewhat different from mine. I told them that among the buildings I had seen quite a bit of twisted metal which at times seemed to have been twisted into some sort of artistic shape. The others apparently hadn't noticed it.
I was in a dual state. I was still dreaming, but I had control of the dream and I could either stop or continue. The man and my mother were in the same state as I, but Chris, I realized, had slipped out of the dream state and was again in his normal state. He was having difficulty relating to what the rest of us were saying.
The question before us at the moment was whether we should continue with the dream or whether we should stop the dream and return to the dream state together at another time. I wanted to continue, but after some discussion we decided we should stop for the time being and return again at 11 o'clock that night. I told them that I was going to snap my fingers and that we would all awaken. I snapped my fingers and immediately the dream state began to dispel.
I wondered what awakening was going to be like awakening since I had already been awake. I was surprised to find that I felt as if I were awaking from a deep sleep. The visions of the entire experience seemed just like a dream and I began trying to remember them.
The creators of Oedipus seemed intent on avoiding discussion of the sexual issue, since they insisted that neither Oedipus nor his mother Jocasta knew of the mother/son relationship between them, and implied thereby that neither of them was guilty of knowingly violating the ancient taboo.
Dream of: 21 October 1985 "Buddha In The Well"My mother had a well in her back yard which had been covered by some old boards. Since the well looked rather dangerous, I told her I was going to try to repair it. After I walked outside and looked at the well, I found that sacks of clothes had been stacked up on the boards which covered the well. I looked through the sacks and found some blue jeans, one pair of which was brand new. I decided I would distribute the clothes to some needy people.
I looked at the boards over the well. Some kind of covering had been placed on the boards. I took off the covering, got down to the boards themselves and began working on them. The boards weren't really in bad shape although they were loose. After I had fitted them together as best I could, they looked pretty good.
The boards formed a round cover about two meters in diameter over the well. The more I looked at the cover, the more it reminded me of a table top.
I decided to put a table on top of the boards. I found a rather elegant-looking, rectangular table and placed it on the boards. I noticed one leg was sticking out incorrectly and I began working on it trying to fix it.
When I finished and stood back, I realized what I had in front of me wasn't a table at all but a handsome, life-size dark wooden statue of a sitting Buddha. It was quite lifeless, but still quite remarkable.
Suddenly the boards broke and the bottom half of the Buddha fell into the well.
When I think of the exact moment when Oedipus stabbed out his eyes, I simply cannot think of him as being strong of mind, but of being mentally ill.
Dream of: 21 December 1985 "Strength Of Mind"My father and my mother had been having a dispute and I had become involved in it, siding with my mother. My father had then gone to the Mental Illness Court and filed an application to have my maternal grandmother Leacy committed to a mental hospital. I, in retaliation, had then filed to have my paternal grandmother Mabel committed. My father then filed to have me committed.
Hearings were immediately set at the mental illness court and I found myself in the court room, quite indignant about the whole situation (I was just wearing a white tee shirt and I wished I had had time to put on a shirt). About five cases were going to be heard and a panel of four people had been chosen to decide the outcome of each case. My case was scheduled to be heard to determine whether I was suffering from a mental illness. I began thinking about how I was going to handle the situation. I knew in these hearings a person couldn't be committed to a mental institute for more than 90 days.
I hadn't yet been examined by a medical doctor and unless I waived the examination, it would be necessary for two certificates of medical examination to be made before I could be tried. I contemplated whether I should demand that medical examinations take place or whether I should demand the trial right now. I felt that if I were examined, the doctors would conclude I had no mental illness, and that the case would be dismissed. However, if I chose to be examined, I would have to wait a couple more days before I could be examined and released.
If I decided to waive the examinations and be tried immediately, and if I could adequately demonstrate by my testimony that I didn't suffer from a mental illness and that the application had been maliciously filed against me, I would be released immediately. Feeling as if I could prevail at a hearing, I decided to demand a hearing be held right now. The five files were brought out and I put mine in front so I would go first.
I also wanted to defend both Leacy and Mabel. I knew neither of them was mentally ill and I regretted my having filed the application against Mabel. I questioned the wisdom of a system which allowed applications to be filed so easily by just one person to have another person committed.
Channell (a Dallas mental illness judge) was the judge. I thought since I had just worked with him a week earlier when I had been appointed by the court as attorney to represent a number of indigent proposed mental illness patients, he would surely know I wasn't mentally ill and he wouldn't have me committed.
The first proposed patient was brought in. I was surprised to see that she was Frieda (a Dallas attorney). She looked as if she were about 40 years old. She was very overweight and was rather short. I knew she likewise had been appointed the previous week to defend proposed mental illness patients. Apparently now someone had filed an application against her.
She began giving testimony and apologized for the way she had handled her mental illness cases the previous week. She said she now realized she hadn't devoted enough time to each case and she also realized, since she herself was now on trial, how important the matter was to each person.
The next case was against the warden of a mental illness institute. He likewise was obviously not mentally ill and I imagined that probably a relative of one of the patients in his institute had filed an application against him. I figured the patients themselves wouldn't have been allowed to file applications.
I decided I was simply going to represent myself – I didn't want another attorney. If I wanted, I could drag the trial on for weeks with character witnesses. I then noticed Nina Cahan (a Dallas friend) pass the door in the hall. I thought she might be able to testify on my behalf; since she was a medical doctor, she would be a good witness.
I thought about mental illness and I wondered exactly what it meant. I concluded that more than anything, mental illness involved the strength of the mind. I thought of myself: my mind was indeed quite strong, perhaps even stronger than I sometimes gave myself credit for.
Although both Oedipus and the children of Oedipus were burdened with the sins of their fathers, they were all obliged to accept responsibility for their own actions, and not blame their shortcomings on their parents.
Dream of: 27 June 1986 "Divorce Proceeding"My father and my mother were in the process of obtaining a divorce. I accompanied them to court one day for a hearing in front of a lady judge. My mother had a lady lawyer working for her.
My father was first put on the witness stand and questioned; then my mother was questioned on the stand. My mother seemed humble while my father seemed haughty and proud. The judge was rather hard on my father. I thought someone should point out that when my brother Chris had had muscular dystrophy, my mother – not my father – had taken care of Chris. I had never seen my father feed Chris, but I had seen my mother feed him many times. Finally the judge made some preliminary determinations about the divorce.
I left the court and went to the House in Patriot, where I found my paternal step-grandfather Clarence, and I began telling him about some things which were going to be cleaned out of the attic of the House. An old 1955 encyclopedia was up there. I thought Clarence might want the encyclopedia, even though it might not be any good. I decided to go up in the attic to scrounge around for it.
I headed for the attic and took a dog, which seemed like Clarence's dog, Mike, with me. Once we were in the attic, the dog sniffed around until it turned up a mouse which it began chasing. Finally the dog caught the mouse and began playing with it. A large hole was in the attic where the floor was missing. The dog threw the mouse through the hole and it fell into the downstairs living room, directly below the attic. I walked toward the hole, failed to see it and started falling through. I caught myself before I went all the way through and I let myself drop down into the living room.
There I found my mother and her lady lawyer talking about what had happened at court. They handed me the papers which the judge had signed and my mother wanted to know what I thought. It appeared to me there hadn't yet been a division of the property and that much work apparently still remained for the lawyers to do.
My mother appeared rather haggard. I felt she somewhat deserved that. She wasn't completely innocent in the divorce and she had to accept some blame and responsibility herself.
One paper said something about my father's having 50 employees. I knew he had some employees in his insulation factory, but I didn't think there were that many.
I asked the lawyer what she thought. She said my mother would probably get the New Boston House and that there would probably be a 50/50 split of the property. My mother would also receive a third of my father's net income for the rest of both their lives, but my father would still be able to pay his employees as a business expense before any determination of net income. I found it hard to believe that the judge would grant my mother part of my father's net income. That would be a type of alimony.
A few days later we went to another hearing where quite a few people were present. The judge said she wanted 10 different people in the audience to write something about somebody they knew. It should be noted if the person were dead.
I, for some reason, decided to write something about John Smith (an old friend who died around 1972). Although John Smith was dead, I didn't make a note about it. Everyone turned in their papers and the judge began going through them. When she came to my paper she said she understood that John Smith was dead. She asked how many people in the audience knew John Smith. No one raised their hand. The judge wanted to know why the person who had written the paper hadn't noted that John Smith was dead. Finally she said, "Mr. Collier, would you explain."
I said, "Well actually I forgot that he was dead. Its been a number of years ago. But I could tell you everything I know about him."
She asked me to proceed. I said, "At the time I met him I was living on the West Side in Portsmouth, Ohio."
Suddenly I found myself at the West Portsmouth House. I knew I was however still in the middle of the divorce proceedings and I thought the judge was in the House with me.
I began describing the House and I talked about the carpet in the living room. I said I had put down the carpet because part of the floor was missing and the dirt was even showing through in places. I had hung another old carpet over one door to keep out the cold in the winter. I said, "At the time I was living there I was dealing drugs."
Even though I didn't want to discuss my having sold drugs, I decided that being completely honest would be best. I repeated, "I was dealing drugs at that time. My father owned that house and he just let me live over there. He knew I was dealing drugs. Just let me live over there and deal drugs. I continued doing that and living there until finally I was arrested for possession of marijuana in the spring of 1972."
I didn't see any point in mentioning that my father had come to the House when I had been arrested while the police were still there nor that he had gone to the jail and bailed me out. I also didn't mention that I had never actually been convicted. I simply said I had been arrested and said, "That was when I quit dealing drugs. Finally I got off the drugs and became a lawyer like you."
It could be said that Oedipus did not have a weak will and that nothing he could have done could have prevented his pre-ordained destiny of having sex with his mother, just as it could be said that I did not have a weak will and nothing I could have done could have prevented my dream -self from having sex with my dream mother. Dream of: 05 July 1986 "Losing My Will"While I was in the basement of my mother's 29th Street House and was watching a Spanish television program (part of which also appeared to be in French),
my mother and my sister descended into the basement. Apparently intending to sleep in the basement, they both climbed into bed. I half-way felt as if I would like to crawl into bed with my mother, but I didn't think I should do so because my sister was present.I walked over to a basement door which led outside and I began demonstrating to my mother that by merely pushing the door open, someone could enter the basement while my mother and my sister were sleeping . Since my mother and my sister acted as if they would like for me to fix the door, I thought I would probably do so the following day.
I walked back upstairs and looked for a television, but I couldn't seem to find one. My mother also walked back upstairs and then she walked into the bathroom. When she came back out of the bathroom, she was wearing a short white dress. She had black hair and looked as if she were in her early 30s. I asked, "Where are you going?"
She answered, "I'm going to the cafe. Why, do you want to go?"
I replied, "No."
I stood up, walked over to her and said, "Well, you look awful nice."
I remembered having had sex with her several times in the past. I didn't know whether she would like to have sex again, but I put my arms around her, pulled up her dress and began feeling her behind. When she raised her leg so that my penis was against her leg, I pressed against her. Immediately extremely aroused, I said, "I could come in a second."
She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me tight to her. I wanted to break away because I could feel I was close to an orgasm. I said, "Wait. Wait. No. Stop. Stop, mom."
I felt I was about to climax. Suddenly losing my will to stop myself, I climaxed.
My mother seems to bear some responsibility in the formation of the attraction which my dream self felt for her, just as Jocasta bore some of the responsibility for the attraction which Oedipus displayed for her.
Dream of: 08 July 1986 "Personality Formation"My mother, my sister, my crippled brother Chris
and I had flown to Los Angeles, California to visit my uncle Ronald and my aunt Violet, who had moved to California and were having a family reunion. My mother had black hair and looked as if she were about 35 years old.After our arrival, we boarded a taxi near downtown Los Angeles. My mother climbed into the front seat with the driver, a husky black-haired fellow (probably in his late 20s). He might have been foreign. I got into the back seat and we rode off.
When I looked at the sky-line, I saw many tall buildings as well as many iron girders. It looked as if it would be a nice place to visit. I asked my mother if Ronald and Violet lived close to downtown. She wasn't sure exactly where they lived. I told her I definitely wanted to return later in the day to downtown and walk the streets since I had never been in downtown Los Angeles.
The taxi meter showed a charge of $11 immediately as we began moving. I knew it had cost us a great deal to fly to Los Angeles. I asked my mother why we simply hadn't driven ourselves to have avoided all the extra charge. She seemed somewhat concerned about all the money she had spent.
After we had traveled a while, I asked the driver if it were much farther. He said we were almost there and we only needed to go down a few more streets. Finally we came to an apartment complex and the driver said it was the blue apartment. I looked in the direction he had indicated and saw some cars with Ohio license tags (white with red letters) parked there. My mother said, "That must be it."
We pulled up and got out of the car. We had some baggage which the taxi driver offered to carry in for us. We needed to walk up a little hill and I was going to have to carry Chris since he couldn't walk. I knew Chris was going to be heavy and I took a few minutes to prepare myself. I reflected how the muscles in my legs were strong so that I could walk, while the muscles in Chris's legs had deteriorated so he couldn't walk. Finally I picked him up, put him on my back and headed toward the house.
When we reached the house, I put Chris down. We entered a large kitchen which adjoined a large living room. Apparently the house was quite spacious. My aunt Violet immediately greeted us. She looked very different. I heard someone in the background say something about uncle Jim and I thought the person must be referring to my first cousin Jimmy.
Apparently Ronald and Violet's children – my first cousin Jimmy, my first cousin Ronnie, my first cousin Barbara, as well as a fourth child – had all brought their families out to California to visit. Someone pulled out a small picture of my sister, dressed in a little red dress, when she had been about 10 years old. The picture made a crying sound and I said, "I used to hate that sound when I used to hear it."
Violet introduced me to some people there. I hardly recognized anyone. One fellow (probably in his early 20s) walked up and Violet asked me if I knew who he was. I didn't. I thought he might be Jimmy, but he didn't look like Jimmy. I said, "Well it must be Ronald."
I was referring to my first-cousin Ronnie. But he wasn't Ronnie either. She said he was Roland. I thought she meant Raleigh. But she said he wasn't Raleigh, but Roland. I couldn't remember who Roland was, but it seemed to me that he was a little boy whom I hadn't seen in many years. I said something like, "Well its been 20 years since I've seen anyone. Roland was just a little tiny boy. No wonder I don't recognize him."
I hugged him. And then I hugged Violet. When I hugged her, she began crying a little and she bent her head down so I couldn't see her face. I patted her on the back of the head. I began wondering why Ronald and Violet had moved to California. It seemed strange they would move away from all their children back in Ohio.
I saw my first-cousin Barbara. She seemed to be in her early 20s, had black hair and was attractive, but she also looked different. I wanted to hug her, but I got involved in hugging other people and she got away before I could get to her. We finally stopped hugging and Barbara walked back into the room. I said hello to her. She was the only one I really wanted to hug. I thought I would like to feel her breasts squeezing against me.
She walked toward the bathroom and said something about her being a month pregnant. She did appear to have gained some weight. I said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
Violet walked into another part of the house. A woman who I thought might be Ronnie's wife, June, was in the room. I said hi to her but she apparently didn't hear me. She seemed to be getting something from a table near me. Other people in the room began sitting down. Barbara came back into the room and began talking to me. She said, "So you're a lawyer now in Dallas, the tent city."
I was unsure why she had referred to Dallas as "the tent city". I thought at one time maybe people had traveled through Dallas and had lived in tents. I replied, "Well I'm not really a lawyer."
I was going to try to explain to her that I was no longer a lawyer; but I decided not to go into it right then.
Instead, I decided to do some exercises. I was standing between a table to my right and a counter to my left. I was wearing blue jeans and I didn't have on a shirt. I put my right hand on the table and my left hand on the counter. I then balanced myself in the air and I began raising my legs until they were parallel to the ground. Exercising like that felt good. I noticed my stomach had a little bit of flab which I needed to work off.
I thought about my wearing blue jeans and how I now wore blue jeans just about everywhere, whereas most people in Quebec City, Canada – where I had recently been living – liked to dress up and didn't wear blue jeans. But I thought blue jeans were sufficient. I actually was a lawyer and I felt I didn't have to prove anything by getting dressed up.
My hair also was getting quite long. There again I thought I had the freedom to wear my hair however I wanted without being concerned about what people thought.
Barbara began talking about how when I had been growing up, my mother used to plan little activities for me with the intention of forming my personality. Apparently Barbara had recently attended a lecture dealing with that same subject. Barbara used a word to describe what my mother had done. I asked her to repeat the word. She did, but I still couldn't understand the word. It sounded as if she were saying "oxy-something". I said, "Oh its one of those fancy words."
I thought it was a rarely used, large word. I asked her to spell it, but she became distracted with something else and I couldn't get her attention. But finally she spelled the first part of the word – oxy-.
I thought I would show off a little bit and said, "Oxy in Greek means 'sharp'."
I thought about other words which began with "oxy". I thought, "Oxidize, oxidation, oxygen."
Suddenly, over an intercom system, came a woman's voice which I thought belonged to either Jimmy's or Ronnie's wife. She said that a certain activity had been planned to take place in about 10 minutes and that everyone should get ready. It appeared to me they were going to do the same type of thing that Barbara had said my mother used to do with me – plan things out.
But what I really wanted to do was go to downtown Los Angeles, find an art store and buy some art books. I thought then I could come back and the others could help me cut out pictures. That would give them something interesting to do.
The way in which Apollo predestined Oedipus' sexual relation with his mother is strikingly similar to the way the author of my dreams arranged the sexual relationship between my mother and my dream-self.
Dream of: 23 July 1986 "Shipwreck"After Louise and I had traveled around Europe together for a while, we split up because she wanted to return to the United States and I wanted to stay in Europe longer. So she left and I stayed.
Finally, in France, I boarded a sailing ship which looked like a ship built in perhaps the 1600s or 1700s. I even seemed to be in a previous century when such ships plied the oceans. After having set sail, I realized the ship was a war ship. We spotted and prepared to attack another large sailing ship by ramming it with a silver ram on the front of our ship. We sailed toward the enemy ship at full speed and rammed into its side. Our prow smashed through the other ship and came out the opposite side. The enemy ship was thoroughly damaged. Boards seemed to be splintered and sticking out everywhere on the ship.
An epic battle between the soldiers on the two ships ensued. With swords flying, each side set about killing the other side. I was right in the middle of the fray.
I approached the captain of our ship and told him that I was concerned that when the enemy ship sank it would pull our ship under with it, but he didn't seem concerned and the battle raged on. Finally we all noticed that indeed both ships were sinking. Many people injured and in chains on our ship would obviously drown if our ship sank. Finally both ships plunged under the water.
The survivors either fell or jumped into the water. I saw my muscular captain jump into the water still wearing his golden armored vest and holding his golden sword above his head. After he was in the water he had to struggle to keep his head above water. I thought the captain was of the opinion that our ship would dislodge itself under the water from the other ship and then bob back up to the surface.
A number of extremely large rocks – one might almost say hills – were jutting perpendicularly out of the water in different locations nearby. Soldiers from both sides swam in random directions toward different rocks.
I reached one rock and was able to climb onto shore where I found myself on what appeared to be an island. Other survivors, including some women who had been on our ship, had also reached the island.
On the island were some buildings, including a gigantic church. The island had electricity – lights were on in the church and other buildings, but no people were around anywhere. Some other survivors and I (there were about 100 of us) walked into the church. One woman found a telephone and acted as if she wanted me to call someone for assistance, but I walked past her and she began calling someone herself.
I walked down a hall until I found a small room occupied by a sitting woman busily doing some paper work. She had black hair, was short and looked Hispanic. I walked in and asked her if she worked there. When she told me she did, I said, "Well, there's about a hundred of us out here. We've had a shipwreck."
She matter-of-factly walked out of the room and I accompanied her outside to a car, which she boarded. She said she was going to go get someone else to bring back to help us and drove off.
I walked back into the church where I encountered Louise who hugged me and asked me what had happened. When I explained what had occurred, she seemed upset, but she seemed most bothered that I had had a number of my collages with me on the ship and that they had been lost with the ship.
She brought up the fact that my father had also been in Europe while I had been there; she wanted to know why I hadn't sent the collages back with him. I told her I had thought they would be safer with me. I didn't know what was going to happen to either us. But she said with my track record she thought they would have been safer with my father. I said, "Well I can make other collages."
I thought new collages would probably even be better than the old ones, but it was indeed a tragedy that I had had the collages on the ship with me and had lost them.
I thought about the type of collage I would make. I would make it about the size of one of my recent collages, about one by two meters. I might use a map as part of the collage. I pulled out a map of Europe and as I looked at it, began wondering exactly where the battle and shipwreck had taken place and where I was at the moment. It appeared we had been in the Atlantic Ocean close to the border of France and Spain.
The map was quite detailed. I saw some small islands on the map close to the corner where France and Spain meet on the Atlantic Ocean. Some names of cities in Spain were written there. We were apparently in one of the Spanish cities, the first two letters of which were "Ba ...."
Some other local people began entering the church. A couple fellows among them were wearing large back packs. I asked Louise, "Who are these people?"
She replied, "Those are the good people."
I pointed out the survivors of the shipwreck who were seated around us and said, "And who are those people?"
She answered, "Those are the bad people."
She then looked at me and said, "Have you been false to your mom."
We both began laughing. I knew what she was trying to discover. She knew that she had left me and that I no longer needed to be faithful to her. She was trying to say that I should be faithful to my mother and not be with other women. What she really wanted to know was whether I had been with any other women. I reflected that I had had sex with one attractive, black-haired woman on the ship. But I was getting ready to tell Louise that since I didn't actually have to be faithful to my mother, I could honestly say that I had been faithful to her.
How exactly did I acquire this Oedipal Complex?
Dream of: 14 October 1986 "South To North"
I was living with my father, my mother, and two small sisters (about 3 and 9 years old). I was in a room of the house with the two sisters, who had a small Ferris wheel about five meters high. I poured some powder into the engine of the Ferris wheel; I thought the powder would make the Ferris wheel move faster. But the speed didn't increase and finally my sisters turned the Ferris wheel off.
After I lay down on the couch, my father (who had been upstairs with my mother) walked into the room. I had left some things lying around on the floor, and I noticed my father frowning about it. It seemed as if he were always angry with me about something. I stood and said that I would get up and clean it up.
One of the girls had turned the Ferris wheel on again and it was moving as fast as an electric fan. Obviously it would have been very dangerous if one of the girls had been on the Ferris wheel. When I told my that I had put some powder in the motor of the Ferris wheel, he became even angrier with me. Finally I looked at him and said, "You know, it seems like sometimes you hate me."
He replied, "I do."
I looked back at him and said, "Well the feeling's mutual."
He seemed to growl and said, "Well why are you staying here? Why are we living together anyway?"
I thought he wanted me to leave and I said, "Well then I'll just move out."
He seemed satisfied with that. But I had the feeling he still wanted me to stay around the area even though he didn't want me to live there. I had even been thinking about taking the legal bar exam to practice law there. When he mentioned the exam, I said, "I know where I'll go."
I thought I could go to Mexico. The word "Mexico" flashed in large bold letters in my mind.
I walked upstairs and began thinking there was also a small room in the attic where I could stay if I wanted. I thought of even going up to the attic right now to avoid my father. But I thought it would probably not be best for me to stay in the attic.
I walked into a bedroom where my mother was sitting on what appeared to be a chair watching television. She seemed surprised to see me. When I stepped closer to her, I saw that she was actually sitting on the bed. We lay down next to each other on the bed so that my head was near her feet and my feet near her head. Lying next to her seemed rather erotic and she even put one of her legs over my chest.
As I spoke to her, a show came on the television. It had something to do with "from south to north" and showed five Mexican teenagers trying to cross the border from Mexico into the United States. I told my mother I was soon going to leave and if she would watch what happened to the teenagers on the television she would have an idea of what was soon going to happen to me.
Traveling to Mexico would be difficult. I really wanted to study languages some more. But now I seemed to have studied enough; I needed to put to use some of what I had learned.