Dream of: 24 August 2009 "No Feelings"
I was in a neat well-kept house where my mother was living. My father (only about 50 years old) was there. Thinner than usual, he looked healthy. Even though he wanted to be with me, I didn't want to be with him, and I thought to myself that I was going to tell him what I thought about him. I first told him I thought he was greedy, then ranted over and over about his greed. I asked him who was going to come to his funeral. He looked off stoically into the air. I asked him if his step-children and my sister would attend his funeral. I said they were the only ones. (In the back of my mind I wondered who would come to my funeral).
I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He didn't seem surprised. I tried to explain my feelings. I told him that he was the one who had started all the problems. After he had persuaded me to return to Portsmouth and had led me to believe that we were going to get along, he had kicked me out of his house and had kicked me off the Gallia County Farm, even after he had told me I could leave my possessions on the Farm. I told him that there was no reason for us to see each other any more, that we had no real connections since my grandmother Mabel had died. There was nothing to hold us together.
I remembered I still had stored in his house a few possessions which I needed to retrieve.
He spoke and said he thought I had been reading W.B. Dubois. I told him I knew Dubois was a political writer and that he had had an influence on Abraham Lincoln. He looked at me as if my words proved I had been reading Dubois. Actually, I didn't know who Dubois was - I only had a vague idea.
I continued trying to think whether I needed to say anything else to him, because I didn't want to see him anymore. Finally I moved up close to his face, stared him in the face, and wanted to say, "I have no feelings for you."
I didn't want to say that I hated him or that I didn't like him; I just wanted to say I had no feelings for him.
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