Dream of: 23 February 2001 "Field Of Guns"

Since I was no longer married or dating anyone, for the first time in a very long time I was thinking about asking someone out. An old girlfriend of Walls crossed my mind. She was blonde and about 20 years old. Since she had a lowly job as either a waitress or a bartender, she might like to go out with a lawyer.

I picked up the phone and called. The girl's mother answered and immediately began arguing with me about how Walls had mistreated her daughter. Apparently the mother believed I was calling on Walls' behalf. The mother said the girl no longer wanted to speak with either Walls or Walls' friends. I told the mother that I wasn't calling for Walls, but that I myself wished to ask out the girl. The mother told me to wait a minute, and after a short pause, the girl came onto the phone.

The girl sounded as if she were sleepy, probably lying in bed, which made sense because I had been up all night and it was only about 8 a.m. We talked for a few minutes, but the girl didn't seem to understand why I was calling. She told me that Walls and she had fought, and that she didn't want to see Walls anymore. I asked her if she would like to go out with me. She thought about my invitation for a minute, and finally responded, no. I immediately told her goodbye, and I hung up.

I took bearings of where I was – a little back room on the ground floor of the Gay Street House. The room didn't even seem to be completely inside the House. I had been out all night and had arrived here just before making the call. I remembered that I had parked my car in a parking lot near the Crispie Crème doughnut shop and that I had had to pay $2 for parking.

I could hear my father walking around somewhere in the House, but I hadn't yet seen him. I didn't want to see him and I hoped he would leave so I could go to sleep. I picked up a paper back book I had with me and I pretended I was reading it in case he came in the room and asked me what I was doing.

I began feeling bad about having called the girl. This was the first time I had asked anyone out in a long time and I had been shot down. Besides the humiliation, how would I explain to Walls what I had done? It seemed as if I were betraying him, although technically I wasn't. As I pondered my actions, I remembered a commercial I had seen on television about the military. In the commercial, the military had displayed a field full of guns which the military hadn't used and was now discarding. My action seemed to parallel the field of guns inasmuch as by calling the girl I had used one of my "guns." Now I was blemished even worse than the military.

The longer I stayed there, the more certain I was I didn't want to see my father. I could still rise and leave without seeing him. I stood, walked out the back door and slipped into the alley. I walked behind a building from where I could see his big light-gray car. He walked out of the House, got into the car and began pulling out. Even after he pulled away, I still decided not to go back in the House, but instead started walking down the alley in the direction of my car. But I was so tired, I could hardly move. Only with great difficulty did I proceed. I wished I hadn't parked so far away from the House.

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