Dream of: 16 April 1998 "Angel Of God"

While performing some tedious manual work – either painting or scraping the side of a weathered clapboard house – I began to notice some writing on the boards. Examining the surface area more carefully, I saw that the writing was a list. It seemed as if the list were actually being composed by me even as I was looking at it. The list contained my choices to the question, if I could be anybody, who or what would I be?

One name on the list was "God." This seemed to be the logical choice. If I could be anybody, why not be God? But almost immediately, I realized this choice was prohibited, that it wasn't possible for me to become God. This was one identity which I could never attain.

My brother Chris's name was also on the list. In all my life, I had probably never met anyone closer to God than Chris. But to become Chris, or to become someone like Chris, was very frightening to me. Chris had had muscular dystrophy. During his short 16 years of life, his muscles had deteriorated so much that he became bedfast, and at the end, could hardly move. I had never understood how, despite his illness, Chris had remained so cherubic, so angelic. I didn't think I could do it. So despite the fact that I truly believed that being like Chris would bring me closer to God, would make me more angelic, I simply couldn't accept it.

But suddenly, it was crystal clear what I did want to be: an Angel of God. All my trivial aspirations in life seemed to pale in comparison to this uplifting goal. It seemed that finally I had my eye set on the highest form of existence which I could choose. There was no doubt, this was what I wanted to be. But I wondered if it were possible. It seemed that I might have damaged my chances of becoming an Angel of God because I hadn't first chosen to become someone like Chris. It seemed possible that the only way I could hope to become an Angel of God was to first live a life as Chris had lived. I hoped that wasn't the case, but I had a queasy feeling that my failure to choose to live like Chris, might have impaired my ability to become an Angel of God.

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