Dream of: 16 June 1997 "Equanimity"

I was feeling extremely happy: after a seemingly endless struggle I had moved to Germany, the place where I had wanted to live for so long. I knew I had enough money to live for quite a long while. At some time in the future I would probably have to work again, but I wouldn't have to work right away. I had discussed all this with Carolina, and we had concluded that in the meantime I should devote some effort to studying international law, so if I did have to work later, I could probably do some legal work in Germany. Carolina and I had originally talked about our going to Mexico and my studying international law down there. But fortunately for me I had ended up in Germany and I was now very happy.

I had taken up residence in a large old house which appeared to have been converted into a rooming house. I had a room on the first floor and from where I was, I could look outside into a street where homes and little shops were mingled. My room was situated right near the front of the house, and inside, near the front door was sitting what I considered to be my prize possession: a huge old intricately-designed piano. I had somehow managed to lug this piano with me to Germany, and now it would fit in perfectly with my plans. Now that I finally had time, I was going to devote myself to study, and I had decided upon two subjects: the piano and mathematics. The two fields seemed to fit well together and the idea of finally being left alone to concentrate on something was exhilarating.

I walked over to the beautiful old piano and looked it over. I knew it needed some work before it would be in playable condition. Fortunately right next door was a music store where I thought I would be able to obtain any pieces I needed to repair the piano. I also knew there was a woman in the store who gave music lessons. I didn't actually intend to take any lessons from the woman. But it was nice to know that the store was there. I only hoped that my drumming on the piano didn't disturb anybody in the store or in the neighborhood. After all, I knew I wouldn't be playing well at first. But I remembered that I had also brought an electric keyboard with me, and if necessary I could turn down the volume on the keyboard and work on it for a while if I were disturbing anyone with the piano.

But first I needed to fix the piano. I went to work. I took a little piece off the piano, a piece that closely resembled an old razor, the type which had screws which held on the razor blade. I then took the piece with me and walked over to the store. I walked inside and quickly found a large box which I thought would contain the piece I needed. I unscrewed four screws from the piece which I had brought with me, I laid the screws down, and then disassembled the piece, taking off a flat piece which looked something like an old razor blade.

After I had been working for quite a while, a fellow stepped up and began talking with me. I vaguely thought I knew the fellow, and he quickly informed me that while I had been working there, he had gone to my room in the house next door, and had gone through my things to find out what kind of person I was. He said it had been necessary for him to do this because the people in the neighborhood wanted to know about me. He concluded that he had been satisfied with what he had seen, and that now I would be accepted by the other people. I didn't really like anyone going through my things, but it seemed that no harm had come of it, and I didn't complain.

The fellow walked away, and as I continued to work, I noticed quite a few interesting people in the store, and I thought I might like to get to know some. I also noticed several young females (probably in their late teens). I found them extremely attractive, especially one dark-haired beauty sitting directly across from me. But I noticed the strangest thing: I didn't feel sexually attracted to her. This was almost completely unprecedented for me. I was always attracted to beautiful young women. But I looked at the girl with complete equanimity. I thought if she proved to be interesting for some reason, I might like to get to know her. But romantically speaking, I just didn't feel any need to pursue her. I was happy enough the way I was.

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Copyright 2001 by Steve Collier