Dream of: 01 February 1997 "To Die In Battle"

I was sitting on a concrete-covered school yard. I was musing about my present circumstances; but having difficulty, because my mind seemed impaired – I was having difficulty remembering even basic parts of my life. I was only aware that I had recently moved to this town and that as yet I knew practically nobody here.

As I lay on my back, continuing to review my situation, the only person with whom I had developed somewhat of a friendship walked up and sat down in a lounge chair a few feet from me. I knew immediately that this was Huddleston (a former high school classmate who later became an attorney), although he didn't look like Huddleston. He was thin and had curly black hair. I recalled that Huddleston had been one of the most intelligent people I had ever known. I also knew I had previously never associated with Huddleston; but since I had moved to this new town, he had somewhat befriended me.

I was happy to see him and I began talking about some things about which I had been thinking. I had envisioned a globe of the earth in my mind, and I had been trying to focus on the countries which had the most problems and which would be the most dangerous countries to visit. However I was still having the same difficulty of remembering things, and although I could see several countries as if looking at a map, I couldn't remember the names of the countries. I told Huddleston that it seemed as if at certain times of the day, my mind just shut down and it simply didn't work.

Since Huddleston seemed interested in the fantasy game, I thought maybe he could help me with the names of the countries. I told him I was thinking about a Moslem country somewhere in Africa (although in my mind it seemed in southeast Asia). I told him the first letter of the country was "L," and he mentioned Libya, which I concluded was the country. I went on to say there was a small country, about the size of a Central-American country, just south of Libya, which Libya was attempting to conquer. I also mentioned that the defenders of the smaller country were called "contras," and I believed that many of them spoke Spanish. But Huddleston corrected me, saying that they didn't speak Spanish, but that they had simply taken on the name "contras" because they hoped the United States might help them. It seemed that the word "contras" had become a popular word to be used by people who leaned toward the United States.

The political relationship between Libya and the contras was confusing to me. However I knew it was important for me to sort it out. I knew I had a fantasy about how I would finally die, and my fantasy required me to know where the most dangerous countries in the world were. It was my fantasy that I wouldn't die of old age. Instead, when I reached the age where I was no longer productive, I would seek out a poor country engaged in war. I would go to that country, take up arms for the side in which I believed, and I would die fighting. I wanted to live to an old age, but I wanted to die in battle.

As we talked, Huddleston pulled out a black belt with a round silver buckle and handed it to me. It was a nice belt, and I was uncertain whether he intended to give it to me. I looked at it a minute and laid it down. He then picked the belt back up. It was beginning to look as if he hadn't actually intended to give me the belt. He then pulled out a second belt, a brown belt. It occurred to me that the belt was the same color as dog feces. It asked me to pick up the second belt, which I did. It was a nice belt, and he told me that he was giving it to me as part of a dowry.

I thought about how I didn't used to like accepting gifts from people. But I had changed my mind about that. Now I had decided that whenever anyone gave me something, I was going to take it. I picked up the belt and thanked him. I then walked over to him and gave him a hug. Only then, for the first time, did I realize that he was probably gay. Now I could see that he seemed to have certain homosexual mannerisms. He even appeared to be puckering up his lips as if he would like a little kiss. But I just gave him a short hug. I then stepped back from him. It didn't make much difference to me whether he was gay; I certainly wasn't going to get involved with him. I thought that even if he were gay, we could still be friends. I would simply have to make it clear to him how things stood. At the same time, I didn't want to say anything to upset him, because I wanted to retain his friendship.

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