Dream of: 18 February 1996 "The Best America"
I was walking around a capacious room which seemed inside a factory of some sort. Sitting on the floor in various places around the room were some mechanical contraptions roughly a meter wide and a meter high. I could tell that all of the contraptions were some kind of machines and I could see that they were all working. But when I stopped to look one of them over, I was surprised by what I saw.
On top of the machine were perhaps 50-60 baby chicks. They were all moving briskly in lines and circles. I was amazed at how well ordered they were, one following another, and I tried to figure out how such a thing was possible. Then I noticed that there were two little metal flaps in the middle of the device, and about once every second, the two flaps would open, and a new chick would be pushed through a hole onto the top of the machine. The new chick would force the chick in front of it to move, and so on in succession, so that all the chicks kept up a steady pace.
As I looked around at the other machines, still puzzled by the significance of what I was seeing, I wondered what would happen if the machines were to suddenly stop running. As if in answer to my question I saw in front of me a machine which had apparently broken down. Little chicks were scurrying about in all directions on the top of the machine. But right where the two flaps were I saw the heads of two chicks protruding under the flaps and caught by the flaps. Obviously the two chicks were dead, crushed by the flaps. The sight was a little grizzly and I turned away to look at other machines.
Looking at the next machine, I realized not all the machines were the same. The next machine, had little baskets of something on it. I had to look at the baskets a while before I finally figured out that they were filled with blueberries. The blueberries were dumped out into some kind of crushing device, and I could see a large, round tub underneath the machine which was filled with blueberry juice. I could also see that most husks of the blueberries were discarded from the top of the machine, but that some of the husks made it to the tub and were floating on top of the blueberry juice. However there was a circular metal ring just below the surface of the juice inside the tub. As the juice flowed to one side of the tub, the ring retained the husks in the tub, so that only the pure juice left the tub.
Continuing to walk around, I began noticing other people in the room, and I slowly remembered that I wasn't in a factory at all – I was in a school where I had only started going about a week before. It seemed that the school was in rural Gallia County, Ohio. I could now clearly see the students around the room, and they looked as if they were in their middle teens. As I walked among them I began to have the distinct impression that all of them were shunning me. I knew I had talked to some of them before, so they knew who I was. But it was clear that no one wanted to have anything to do with me.
Finally I reached a section of the room where some long cafeteria-like tables were set up, and indeed some of the people were sitting around at some of the tables and eating. Still sensing the coldness which everyone was clearly showing me, I sat down alone at the end of one table. Only when I was seated, did I realize that a girl (about 15 years old) was sitting at the other end of the table. I recognized the girl as someone with whom I had already spoken since I had been here, but now I could tell she was like the others and she didn't want to speak with me again.
Her attitude didn't keep me from looking her over. She was quite beautiful. She had golden blonde hair which fell to her shoulders. She seemed the lively type, and I remembered that when I had talked with her before she had had a beautiful smile.
She could obviously feel my discomfort and puzzlement by no one's talking with me, and finally she spoke to me. She wasted no time in telling me that I had shown such a superior and selfish attitude with everyone since I had arrived, that I had offended everyone so badly that they didn't want to have anything else to do with me. Seeing my surprised look, with a smile she said she was going to show me what she was talking about, because when I had talked with her before, she had taped the conversation. She then reached under the table and pulled out a tape recorder and set it in front of me. It was a peculiar looking machine, and reminded me of a chocolate cake. With a pleasant smile on her face, she turned on the tape recorder and it began playing.
I bowed my head, looked straight down at the table and began listening. I kept my head in that one position, not moving a hair, almost as if my head were frozen in one place. And indeed, even my mind felt a little frozen. I wasn't thinking normal thoughts, but seemed in a kind of trance. I knew that now everyone in the room was looking at me and I was the center of attention. I knew that they would all be anxious to see how I would react at the evidence of my own voice.
As the tape began playing, I realized that it was not my voice but some other people's. I thought my voice must come a little later. Meanwhile I continued to reflect on my situation. I tried to remember – was I a teacher or was I just one of the students? I seemed older than the students, yet I still seemed about their age. I couldn't make up my mind.
And what was it that they wanted from me? I knew what they were saying was probably correct – I did feel and act superior, and I was basically a selfish person. The idea of changing into a more compassionate person was somewhat appealing, and I even felt rather emotional at the thought. For an instant I felt so choked up, I thought I might even cry. That would certainly be a sign to the others that I had changed. A single tear would do the trick.
But that tear didn't come, mainly because I didn't want it to. I wasn't prepared to whimper in front of these people. I might try to make them laugh instead. I imagined myself standing up and putting my body in a funny position. I could hold my hands to my head and stick my elbows out in front, and then I could bend my knees in front. It would look like two sets of triangles. The image reminded me Cosmo Kramer (the character played by the actor Michael Richards on the television series "Seinfeld").
Or I knew another position, one which reminded me of the actor Michael J. Fox. I could pull one of my legs up behind my head and hold my foot over top of my head. I thought everyone would find that amusing.
Because I did want to be friends with these people. And I especially wanted to be friends with the girls. All these nubile young females were so attractive. In my mind I could envision how their breasts had just reached their mature form, and thought how enticing they were at this age. And suddenly a phrase passed vividly in my mind, as if a motto for me, "The best pussy is the best America."
That seemed to sum it up. I had always been attracted to women, and much of my life had been spent in their pursuit. I knew this was the core of my selfish nature. But what I didn't know was whether I wanted to stick with this motto, or look for a new one.
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